People who say they need to decide nearer the time

this reminds of the Rules (remember them - the dating book) they had this whole thing about never being 'bookmarked'. that if you were being asked out by a man for a date, you need to agree a fixed date, time and place to meet - that was a date.

anything less 'lets' do something on next wednesday. I'll call you" was too vague and operated as 'a bookmark' - which meant that you were left hanging and uncertain.

bookmarks were unacceptable for the Rules Girl.

I think the same thing for you @OP. you need to be more Rulesy
would you like to come for lunch on 27 December?
-I'm not sure, can I let you know?

the rules girl would be 'ah! ok. sorry that won't work for me as I have a busy week and I need to organise my week ahead. maybe another time".

another less officious way would be to say
"Ok if you need to check your diary but I'll need you to let me know by the end of tomorrow (or whatever specific deadline you set)- I'll text you to remind you - but if I haven't heard, then I will assume it is a no because I need to organise food and plan my busy week."

its better than saying yes then cancelling because theyre hungover or too exhausted. especially if its boxing day or new years day (or the day after)

The same people saying they can’t possibly make plans are the same ones who whinge that they don’t have anyone to rely on.
Everyone is busy.
It’s fine to say you will have to let the person know. Then either say yes or no.
If an emergency crops up and you are ill for example, of course your friend won’t hold it against you.
If you never go out in a Friday as you are always shattered then just say no, I can’t make it.
Don’t leave someone hanging though, it’s rude.

Yes, they are being rude BUT....they are also telling you that they are not very interested in coming to lunch. I expect they'd like to decline but feel awkward about it so offer up the lame "we'll see".

By the time the day after Christmas rolls around I've had enough of all the holiday hoopla and look forward to some quiet time. But I would just politely decline the invitation. Anything else is inconsiderate to your host.

My friends understand and many also have young children so get it as they can have a rubbish few nights with them and be completely exhausted without a health condition. We make a rough date then usually 3 days before confirm.

If it's something like trying to arrange a special dinner or birthday trip then yes I judge how I am when invited and will decline.

I prefer to firm plans up a few days then be cancelling. Many of my friends are the same.

This is unbelievably rude. Please don’t do this.

This is a better reply.

I just wish more people would understand this is far ruder than saying no. Or saying yes when first asked and then the same day calling back “oops sorry, clash in the diary, can’t do.” Just say no.

It is very rude of them.

But I would say out “it’s fine if you can’t commit but I’m going to make other plans for the day if that’s the case”.

How often do we see threads where people just can't say no. They are put on the spot and because they can't think of a reason to say no - and don't think that "Actually I'd rather stick pins in my eyes" is an acceptable answer, they say "Yes, thank you, that would be lovely". Then post on here about how they are dreading it and want to get out of it. (Often advised to ring and say "Sorry that doesn't work for me" Or lie and say they are sick!!😂)

Mil does this, so not invited again!

'Don't worry about it...we have a few other things to sort at this end and can catch up soon when there's a good time for you.'

Unless you know they have a good reason, I wouldn't put your calendar on hold.

Op - take this as a no. Make other plans, don’t hold a day for them. If you don’t manage to make other plans or on the day they contact you to see if you are still free and it’s easy to accommodate them into your new plans, invite them along.

Also make a note with this person, don’t instigate plans again until they’ve invited you to do something/suggested a meet up.

I do think there’s a lot of people who don’t get saying “no thank you” isn’t rude, but leaving people hanging like this is. If you don’t like invites in the calendar long way in advance just decline offers more than a day or two in advance then make an effort to ask them to do something regularly when you are free and fancy being social.

If I feel pushed to make such a decision, I’ll always decline even if I thought I may be able to attend nearer to the event. Our life is very complicated and close friends/ family generally are understanding, aquaintances less so.

100%

You have no plans with them. Your day is free.

I'm ND so spontaneity is not for me. I'm going to make other plans if someone says they'll see.

Did she turn up?

You do not need to hold the time for them.

I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer.

You’re not. If I were you, I’d plan whatever else I wanted to and if they then get back to you and want to come and you’re still free - great. But if you’ve arranged something else, perfectly fine to say “ oh - thought you’d said it wasn’t a good day and I’m not free now”. It’s rude and inconsiderate of them and so you don’t owe them any consideration in return.

I like to play things by ear. It isn't about waiting for a better offer, I just find it quite stressful to plan too many plans.

Christmas is so exhausting.
Young child, older children are home from uni, we have to see gp and I a longterm health condition.
We are invitered for lunch on Boxing Day. I had to say "maybe, I hope I can" and the host was ok with that. If not this was accepted the answer would be no. I can't promise a 100% yes.

First comment nailed it for me. Pre kids and health issues I’d have agreed with you op but now I don’t make firm commitments too far in advance until I have to and then only if I have to.

I find it far ruder to regularly cancel on people, which I may have to do if I’m making plans in advance. I have no idea if I’m going to be ill or have a flare so I just don’t make plans. My reasons are known amongst those close to me so they understand.

I don’t necessarily think it’s due to waiting around for a better offer. Sometimes you just don’t know whether you are going to have the energy to attend all of these things

Or inviting them again.