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Original poster

People who say they need to decide nearer the time

139 replies

IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic · 17/12/2024 17:58

This happened twice this week. I have invited people over for lunch after Christmas (so not months in advance or anything) and they have told me that they aren’t yet sure what they’re doing that day/ would like to play it by ear. It is so rude. Not least because, having issued the invitation, I am now stuck until you make a decision and I can’t make other plans with my (limited) annual leave. If I’m not good enough for you to cash in a holiday day on, then fine - just decline the invitation- but it’s bloody rude to put me in a position where I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer. I absolutely see that people might be in a position whereby they are waiting to hear back from visiting family etc after Christmas - so in that case, either say so and chase up the missing bit of info and say you’ll revert asap (obviously perfectly normal and reasonable), or if that isn’t possible, then just decline the invitation, surely, so as not to inconvenience the person extending the invitation and leave them hanging on, with the implication that their time is less important than yours…? It’s just so ill-mannered!

OP posts:
NantesElephant · 23/12/2024 23:42

Outside of holiday times I have a regimented schedule of work and other commitments, so during the holidays, I enjoy the freedom of having no plans and being spontaneous.

Their motivation may be this, rather than waiting for a better offer. But if that’s the case, their response should be to politely decline the invitation.

SimplyTheGuest · 23/12/2024 23:31

Strawber · 17/12/2024 19:57

If I'm invited somewhere I don't want to go this is the phrase I use 'let's see nearer to the time' then I plan something else so I can say I'm not available

What charm school did you drop out of? Jeez! 🙄

Gardenbird123 · 23/12/2024 22:47

Turn it around.
Hi- are you able to come for lunch on.....
Can you let me know today as I'm planning the rest of the week? If I don't hear from you I'll assume you can't make it. Happy Christmas if we don't see you x

Northernladdette · 23/12/2024 20:03

This annoys me no end. It seems to be quite common these days. People don’t want to commit in case they get better offer 🤨

Elednia · 19/12/2024 08:15

They are saying no without being able to say no. It's like when you put leftovers in the fridge. You're not going to eat them. You know you're not going to eat them. But you put them in a box for three days because you can't face it!

I always take it as a no and make other plans. I would never hold a day for someone like that.

UndeniablyGenX · 19/12/2024 08:10

but it’s bloody rude to put me in a position where I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer.

I agree. I would say something along the lines of 'let me know if you'd like to come and I'll let you know if I'm still free by then.'

nervouslandlord · 19/12/2024 08:02

Absolutely @NewName24 , an invitation isn't a gun to the head. It's a very simple binary reply in most cases. People just seem to have lost the guts to commit either way.
We all have stuff on. Doesnt mean you can't say yes or no.
I hear about this all the time from our younger family members, who constantly seem to chop and change arrangements (and often end up doing nothing as a result because everyone is doing it!).

NewName24 · 18/12/2024 19:21

Makingchocolatecake · 18/12/2024 18:58

This isn't rude. You're asking friends to make plans on one of the busiest week of the year for family stuff. Just arrange different stuff and see them another time if waiting is such an issue.

Or
'Inviting people over at a time when most people aren't at work'
(yes, I know carers, retail, emergency services, hospital staff etc are).

If you don't want to mix with people then, that's fine - you just say "Thanks, that's really kind, but we've got a lot of family stuff on so won't be able to". Which is fine, and a perfectly reasonable response to an invitation, which the OP wouldn't mind.
However, that isn't what the thread is about. The thread is about trying to keep an invitation open, without committing to it.

CulturalNomad · 18/12/2024 19:10

I don’t always know what is happening over the Christmas holidays, I have a family to consider.who take priority

I agree with you on this which is why I would just decline the invitation outright. Because the truth is you really don't want to commit to a lunch date in the event that something better comes along (a family visit or outing).

Makingchocolatecake · 18/12/2024 18:58

This isn't rude. You're asking friends to make plans on one of the busiest week of the year for family stuff. Just arrange different stuff and see them another time if waiting is such an issue.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 18/12/2024 18:16

I don't like this either unless a good reason is given, eg: I don't know how I'll be feeling after the operation; We have a tentative arrangement to visit my uncle in Spain and are waiting for confirmation; I am hoping to be in the Master Chef final, or whatever.
Pretty much 'I'll wait and see if there's a better offer' is not OK.
There's no reason for you to keep the day free for them. Leaving it open works both ways.

tediber · 18/12/2024 15:36

I wldnt be hanging about waiting on them deciding. You need to say oh it's fine we can catch up another time. I'd rather know now so I can plan ahead.

LittlePudding1 · 17/12/2024 23:33

I had a friend who used to do this a lot. In the end I just got fed up of waiting around for her to make a decision and started making other plans
She was most put out when she finally got back to me and I was no longer free

Guest100 · 17/12/2024 23:15

I think you need to just say let’s do this another time. Or invite someone else and have a couple of friends over so it doesn’t matter if the others don’t come. Or invite someone else and if the others decide they can come just say oh sorry I didn’t think you were coming so I made other plans.

I will say I have to check the calendar if I’m put on the spot and don’t want to do something. But I will text and let them know.

7ft1garysson · 17/12/2024 23:08

IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic · 17/12/2024 21:43

But then surely you must appreciate that if that’s how you feel, the consequences are yours to deal with, not other people’s - ie. that you should just decline the invitation? You can’t seriously think that other people should put themselves out blocking out a space in their diary on a day of pretty rare AL and cleaning their houses for several hours beforehand and shopping for a meal and starting to prepare it, and that you might just wake up that day and decide you can’t be bothered to go and that that would be ok and not rude in the slightest?

I’m feeling almost more baffled by some of the responses than I was by the original conversations which gave rise to my post.

Show quote history

Well you’ve made quite a lot of assumptions there my dear, to clarify and answer your questions.

  1. I would never decide on the day that I wasn’t going to turn up, that would be rude. If I’ve committed to go I will go.

  2. the only time I would cancel on the day would be unforeseen illness

  3. if I can’t commit immediately like you seem to expect, I would say I’m not sure and ask if I can get back to them later.

  4. You seem like an over fussy and over demanding host, you need to be more flexible and aware that holiday time is exhausting and stressful for some of us. Ask your invitees to let you know by a certain date if you are so keen to host them.

  5. I don’t always know what is happening over the Christmas holidays, I have a family to consider.who take priority

GingersOwner26 · 17/12/2024 22:43

itsgettingweird · 17/12/2024 19:20

Yanbu.

With my (ex) friend who use to do this I started yes saying "ok" and when she came back and said "oh I can do Thursday" I'd say "oh that's a shame as I'm doing X now".

It annoyed her more that I didn't hang around waiting for her than it annoyed me that she expected me to hang around and wait for her!

Ha, sounds like you're friends with my uncle and aunt. They pissed about and didn't confirm arrangements to meet when my cousin and his wife had their first baby, so when something else came up they figured they were free to commit to that. Uncle and aunt then tried to confirm arrangements about two days before and weren't happy to be told cousin and wife and baby were no longer free. This happened a couple of times and uncle went into a few rants about cousin "not letting him see baby". No, uncle, you were in the wrong.

Original poster
IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic · 17/12/2024 22:34

Sorry - don’t know what happened with the formatting there…

OP posts:
Original poster
IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic · 17/12/2024 22:32

Edingril · 17/12/2024 22:13

So if they say an immediate yes then something happens so they cancel would you also complain then?

Well:

  1. not if they were ill or their kids were ill or they had an accident or something of that kind - obviously nobody can help that;
2.no, if they’ve got home that evening and realised they have a diary clash and they message to cancel within a day or two - that’s totally fair enough; 3.yes, if it was because they just got a better offer - because that would be fist-bitingly rude; 4.yes, if I were elbow deep in cooking on the day, having already got up early to clean the house and spent a fair bit of money on ingredients I wouldn’t buy if I were cooking beans on toast for just us, and they messaged to say they just couldn’t be bothered. Again, horrendously bad-mannered.

That’s why the onus is on them to decline if no.s 3 or 4 are things that they suspect might happen, or if they have happened before. Once you’ve accepted an invitation and your host has started committing a good chunk of time and effort (and possibly money) to getting ready for your visit, only illness/emergency is really a good enough reason to cancel without it being really, really rude. I mean, that just goes without saying, surely? Although upon reading some of the responses above, perhaps not…

OP posts:
NewName24 · 17/12/2024 22:26

Strawber · 17/12/2024 19:57

If I'm invited somewhere I don't want to go this is the phrase I use 'let's see nearer to the time' then I plan something else so I can say I'm not available

Fancy coming on the internet to boast about how rude you are. Hmm

PuppyMonkey · 17/12/2024 22:22

TBH, if I invited someone over and they said they weren’t sure if they were free and they’d let me know nearer the time, I’d think they were saying “no thank you” and move on with my life. Grin

Ottersmith · 17/12/2024 22:20

IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic · 17/12/2024 19:38

Well, er, yes - this is exactly the bit that is rude. I mean, we’re all in that position. If you don’t want to commit then that’s absolutely fine - good manners would dictate that the onus is then on you to decline. Seriously, it’s the height of rudeness to leave people hanging because you want to decide on the day whether it you do or don’t want to go.

Show quote history

Well I would say they have declined. But if you really want them to come then they would want you to ask again closer to the time. If everyone just declined would you be happy?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/12/2024 22:16

Edingril · 17/12/2024 22:13

So if they say an immediate yes then something happens so they cancel would you also complain then?

No... Things happen... By that logic no one would ever plan anything because something may happen.

Obviously barring ridiculous excuses or better offers. They're not happenings.

Namechangeobviously2024 · 17/12/2024 22:16

Depends what the "something" is, surely.

Edingril · 17/12/2024 22:13

So if they say an immediate yes then something happens so they cancel would you also complain then?

Waterboatlass · 17/12/2024 22:13

I think it's bonkers that people don't just go 'no thanks, I've got plans already' if they don't want to go. Then let them plan for the numbers . Do they imagine people can't handle the disappointment on the spot?