People who say they need to decide nearer the time

It’s rude. Just say no if you don’t want to go somewhere, make any excuse up, people would just rather know if you’re coming or not.

@crazyunicornlady73 exactly. @WonderingWanda some teachers are so condescending and fucking entitled they give others a bad name.

I have a neighbour who is a teacher and she goes on and on about how tired and over worked she is because she has such an important job.

Sod the rest of us who also have important jobs and similar Christmas prep as well as other mental loads outside of school such as supporting close elderly relatives and or very sick family members etc. Not just buying a few gifts and moving an elf on the fucking shelf etc. Give yourself a shake.

I'm sorry, I'm a teacher too and this is the most self-pitying rubbish I've ever heard.
Fair enough that Christmas is school leaves you longing for a break and if you really can't face going out for two weeks then I guess you let everybody know that and leave them to live their lives. But no, we don't get a special dispensation to treat others poorly because we have a tiring job.
I'm perfectly capable of making plans and sticking to them, as are all my teacher friends 🤷🏽

Yes it is rude and I'm seriously rolling my eyes at people on here claiming that parenting/life is too "exhausting" to make proper commitments.
Please go and see a doctor if that's honestly the case.
Anyway OP absolutely don't hold that time open for people who respond this way. You need a polite way of letting them know that your time matters too.
How about something like:

"When would you be able to let me know by because I've got a few different things to fit in on those dates?"

Agree it's just rude, hoping for a better offer.
I disagree with sinckersnack completely. You only need a day, to go home check the diary, check with Dh, before you can give a response.

Just say can you let me know by x date as i’ll be making alternative plans if you’re not coming. It is rude I agree unless something going on that could mean a change of plan (sick relative for example). Really rude to just wait and see if a better option comes their way

Really rude. Tell them you're busy now and the offer is closed.

Never ever put up either this rudeness.

I’d contact them and disinvite them and never ask again. It’s beyond rude unless there’s a situation with kids and exs.

Not least because, having issued the invitation, I am now stuck until you make a decision and I can’t make other plans with my (limited) annual leave.

This is where you are being very passive, OP.

When someone tells you they want to tell you
nearer the time, take back control and respond saying ‘Actually, I need to know today so if you you're not sure you can make it, that’s fine, let’s just take a rain check.’

I doubt they will be so cavalier with you next time.

Hahaha … oh God. Another pity party by a teacher. Please … anyone would think you lot are the only ones that work. Didn’t you get 6 weeks off a few months ago, now you have 2 weeks, some people lucky to get 2 days! zzzzzzzzzz

That’s pretty rude and quite nasty, why not just decline in the first place?

Why hold the day, just carry on with what you are doing. If something comes up for you in the meantime accept the offer and if they then come back accepting your invite tell them sorry, you are now busy.

No. If you can't commit, decline. Don't let the hosts dangle. How rude.

The backstory on kids etc is irrelevant.

I can be a bit like this around committing if I'm depressed.
If someone replied with a 'OK, we'll get on and arrange something else then" I wouldn't be offended.

Be upfront OP, at the first hint of flakiness say that’s fine but you’ll see who else is free that day, and tell the faffer to get back to you with an alternate date.

If they pull the “oh suddenly I’m free today now, and up for your delicious lunch”, tell them yes but serve them leftovers sandwiches.

I can’t commit now is one thing, but to not even commit to a date by which you’re prepared to let them know, nor to delay into a time you can commit to is actually unspeakably rude.

I’m sorry that some randomer on the internet has had to let you know that you are every host’s worst nightmare.

Instead of sitting their seething because people can't commit at one of the busiest times of the year, just tell them you need to know by X date and move on 🤷🏻‍♂️

I'm really curious how long you just stood there for 🤔

In my case that “better offer” may well be working (self employed) or just being semi comatose on the sofa as I’m peopled out or exhausted (chronic illness).

i try not to make a big deal of my chronic pain condition and associated exhaustion, so many friends may not be aware of it. I have to manage my time carefully to make sure I can get my work done on time and still function as a single parent, and make time to see my boyfriend a couple of times a week. Adding in an extra commitment could throw the whole thing off if I have an extremely busy work day or don’t sleep well.

It’s not rude to say that I can’t commit at the moment. If they ask me if I’m free tomorrow they’ll get a firmer answer, a couple of weeks away and I have no idea what my health or work schedule will look like.

I’ve just lived through 15 years of immeasurable stress, caring for very sick parents with lots of care needs. That unfortunately would have been me a lot of the time, probably wanting to go but not having the energy, not knowing if I would have the energy at the time, or never feeling I could fully commit as I spent that much time in and out of hospitals with them. I do feel your pain though, it’s not easy being in that position.

What? No one is putting you on the spot. If you need to check X/Y/Z say so and say you'll get back to your friend by the end of the week or whatever, then do so.

No one knows on the spot whether they're free on a certain date! There's always a diary to check. So you tell your friend what you have to consider and then you make up your mind.

Then just say no. If someone's invited you to something less casual than just a bunch of people in a pub, you need to give them a definite response for their convenience, not for yours.

I get that diarising social stuff is stressful but if someone's offering to host, you have to operate to their timetable.

"I have invited people over for lunch after Christmas (so not months in advance or anything) and they have told me that they aren’t yet sure what they’re doing that day/ would like to play it by ear."
To which I would respond 'Well I'll take that as a 'no' then'.

I always eat the leftovers. I can't relate to this at all.

Surely you say yes or no and only cancel if you're physically not up to it?