MIL and the Christmas stocking

My son in law is Muslim and this year they are going to spend Christmas at his parents' house with their young baby. Mil has really got into the swing of things despite being Muslim!

Dm used to wrap up a few presents and give them to me to put in my 4dc's sacks. As they got older it was always pretty obvious which were from gm!

‘father Christmas must have left you 2 stockings because he can see what a wonderful big sister you are’

Significant hurt and offence is the excuse used for parents and grandparents all the time. It's childish, really! Why can't you have a chat with her and discuss the situation? Tell her your position on this and work out the best way for both parties

I feel like life would be easier if you didn’t make an event out non-issues. I’m an overthinker myself but honestly it wouldn’t even cross my mind that there was some kind of potential problem with this situation.

Nice of your MIL to give DD these presents. It could be an extra stocking from Santa. It could be a special gift from grandma. Doesn’t matter. DD will be happy to get the gifts. Everyone will have a nice time.

For me, I loved my childhood traditions – the particular foods, when they were prepped, specific chores on specific days (my mum always sent us to the grocer on Christmas Eve to buy parsley, then the florist for daffodils); stuffing was made to Carols from Kings. Stockings were from Father Christmas and done on the end of the bed – waking up and reaching out and feeling the fabric of the stocking slide over the crinkle of wrapping paper was MAGIC. The same generations-old decorations for the tree, our nursery toilet paper roll angels brought down from the attic even when we were adults – traditions spark nostalgia and happiness, especially after our own parents die and all we have left is memories and feelings.

For a lot of parents of small children, I think we’re attempting to create those same traditions and rituals to evoke that same magic. Humans like rituals; small children like knowing what to expect. Some things would flex and change if we went away as an extended family for Christmas, but most traditions were portable – food, flowers, stockings. It brings comfort.

So she gets no say in Christmas at all, gets dragged around your relatives and you've basically said her way of doing Christmas is shit, even though your DH loved the magic of it growing up!
What a lovely DIL you are!

Maybe just maybe this is your MIL's way of trying to put a bit of joy and having a bit of a say in how her Christmas day goes!

Because you sound really overly controlling of it all!

It's Mumsnet and she's your mil so obviously she's wrong!

But I can remember loving seeing my grandparents at Christmas and seeing what FC had left there for me too. It wasn't confusing. My Grandparents had also sent FC money for presents from them and he'd left them there so they could see me open them.

Stop over analysing stuff and try to remember how you felt Christmas morning when you were a child!

Also FC left my eldest a few more gifts than his baby brother for his brother's first Christmas. It's fine! Don't stress!

It should not be from father Christmas. It should be a 'present from nanna' or whatever you call her. She can open it later in the morning. If two stockings are going to be confusing then put the contents in a gift bag. Mil need never know.

People seem to be getting very controlling these days about almost everything. They are forgetting the important things like love, relationships, family, friends. It's all what do I want for me or my nuclear family and then calling it (incorrectly) boundaries. Yet people are also stressed, overworked, more unhappy than ever. Perhaps partly because they have no real support system or network. But to have that you need to relinquish control and let other people in.

It's a stocking. It will make grandma happy and your daughter will like it. It's really not worth any angst or upset over at all. Having a "normally nice" mother, MIL and grandma is invaluable and way more important.

(And before anyone starts projecting, this is not about your narcissistic mother or dysfunctional family relationships, which are a different kettle of fish and not what I am talking about above).

Ha ha!

Indeed. 'they've had their turn' when it's something nice. But the drudge work? That's a whole other story.

Your stocking is from Father Christmas. Hers is from her.

It's good that you've been given advance warning. I once had this with a family member with my children, except it was a surprise on the day. Fine if they had said the extra stockings were from them, but they presented it with the narrative of "Look Santa brought you a stocking to our house too!", and kept repeating that it was all from santa.

I had to later do a bit of backtracking after questions from my eldest (5 or 6 at the time) No, you don't get stockings at every relatives house we are going to visit etc etc. Surprise surprise the next year they didn't bother with the stocking, but my child had remembered the previous year and wondered why. Think I mumbled something about santa only brings ONE stocking to you and those were just a fun extra that family member wanted to give you from them. I worried that it would have them questioning the entire stocking idea, but to be honest, they always just accepted what I told them...not suspicious enough! 😂

Bottom line is, if family members are going to do extra stockings, it has to be with the parents blessing, and if they want to say it's from santa, they are going to have to commit to this every year for every child.

Yes! I have always thought this way! MIL does a Santa gift at her Christmas celebration, I always clarify to my kids it's from grandma and grandpa. Grandma was very annoyed at first, she's either gotten over it or knows it won't make a difference to be offended, I'm not budging on that.

The stocking is from your mother in law and not Father Christmas. You need to be firm and consistent in the story you tell.

my mother in law would always come round with their presents and say ‘look what Santa left at our house!’ I would always gently say ‘oh kids, granny has brought you some presents for Christmas’. She never said anything but I wanted to reiterate that Santa only comes to the child’s house and I didn’t want any nonsense of him going to a grandparents house to leave more presents for a child whose house he is already visiting.

DD knows she has a stocking with her name on it and op wants her to hang it up ready for the big man on Christmas eve
So with your idea .op whoops away the named stocking and leaves mils stocking in its place..

And don't you think she'd notice that the one she hung up the night before has gone ???

If she is old enough to notice, she is old enough to understand a simple, child friendly explanation eg babies don’t need as many toys as children, he will get a stocking like you when he is older.

What’s wrong with your MIL buying a baby’s first Christmas ornament for her own Christmas tree, @JammieHands? Why shouldn’t she have a decoration with her DGD’s birth date? I think it’s a quite common thing to do. We go even further and buy Christmas ornaments to celebrate our family members, all their achievements and special occasions 😂 My DIL loved it when she got her first decoration on the tree.

Well your MIL sounds like a lovely, fun, generous grandmother. I'm sure your DD is perfectly capable of understanding the stocking thing... a lot of young children hide the fact that they know Santa, Father Christmas - whoever - isn't real for years, especially from their parents. If she does still think he exists she may find it odd that FC has given her baby brother presents that are useful to mum. Just don't overthink it and your DH certainly doesn't need to berate his lovely mum, as many pp have suggested, fgs!

Or he could kindly follow one of the good alternatives suggested, without reminding her that she has ‘had her turn’

Yeah. I often see this quite nasty comment paraded out on MN, to put mils in their place. I wonder how it would go down regarding babysitting and childcare favours. "No ta, don't really want to do Thursday afternoons or school pick ups. I've had my turn, remember"?

Both children should have a stocking and only your one is from Santa.

my mum gives her grandchildren a stocking, all her grandchildren get a stocking not just one of them!

my mil used to say to the children , let’s see what Santa left for you here, I reminded her and the children that Santa only leaves gifts at our home for the children and any other gift is from that person,

…kids aren’t bothered whether presents come from Father Christmas, parents, uncles, aunties or anyone else.

Who remembers Christmas aged 4, and what they got from who? They just like getting things.

The “magic of Father Christmas” is for parents, not children …

In my house, the DC have stockings which are from Santa and also one gift that they have asked for in their letters which goes under the tree with their presents from me. This one special gift is wrapped in different paper to show its special. My DS, 14, now knows the truth but is still eager to keep the magic alive for his younger sister, 9. Last year he offered to help put out her stocking gifts which was super sweet.

Sorry, HRTFT so this may have been asked/answered already - has MIL bought DD other presents, or is the stocking full of the presents from MIL? If it's the latter, you can just say they are "wrapped" in a nice stocking, but from Granny?