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Original poster

To block him, cry and move on?

154 replies

yellowbluesky · 17/12/2024 09:48

Hello,

I need a big hand hold. I haven't slept, have been crying for days, and feel so lonely. I just turned 33 and have no partner on the horizon. No kids. I worry about fertility.

I know it's not long, but I met DP 3 months ago on Bumble, and I genuinely thought "this is it". We genuinely had a connection and he put in loads of effort.

Context for DP: He has two kids who live around 2 hours away give or take. He has a property where they are, and a property where I am based. When we met, he had a project where I am based and genuinely had less on. He then took on a project where his kids are based which became a lot more full on as it progressed.

When he was based where I am, I was so cautious for fear of being lovebombed. He would constantly try and see me, I tried to keep it down to once a week. I never stopped my hobbies or my obligations. I would take breaks from messaging him and would say I'm busy, lets talk tomorrow.

I didn't see him for two weeks as he became based close to his kids for the new project and was helping out more with them (NOT A PROBLEM). He put so much effort into trying to make things work. He blocked out a weekend for us and it was truly magical.

During that week, he made no plans to meet, but said the weekend made him sure this is for keeps. He asked me if I felt the same. I said yes. When we spoke on the phone I asked when I was going to see him. He said "Haven't I already seen you this week?". We went from him trying to meet 3 times a week, to "Haven't I already seen you this week?".

A week after I last saw him, he was back in my area and cancels on our plans via text because its "freezing" he's "tired" and has to hit the road at 5am for a 90 minute drive. He's always communicated via text, I don't like it, but I don't overthink that one.

Another week goes by and no plans are mentioned so I end it. Not because I'm clingy, but because of what I view to be a change in personality / behaviour. We talk it through and he calls me a couple of days later calling my message extremely hurtful. He's meant to see me the next day and doesn't turn up. I get a text at 1am begging for forgiveness, with pictures of a destroyed tire. He says '"I need to see you tomorrow" and indeed he does. But dare I say, I had to practically force him. He gets a phone call from work, and has to leave ten minutes into the meeting. The call was genuine. My mood shifts a little. He gives me the password to his phone, opens it in front of me, and proceeds to rant about how there is no one else.

I haven't seen him since that ten minute meeting 3 weeks ago. Last weekend was my birthday. Without prompting, he called and promised to drive down, lamenting that "it's been too long" and he misses me.

The day ticks by, he makes small talk and mentions nothing of seeing me so I crack on. Eventually I ask him when he's getting here. He says "I didn't hear from you so presumed you were busy" as though he never used to just make a move and text me he's on his way when we had plans. It seemed like a cop out excuse. I don't text back. He's apologetic and says he will come tomorrow. He doesn't because of "weather warnings" despite driving his kids around all day. The next day he doesnt come but gives no excuse.

All throughout this, we message as normal in an affectionate way. It doesn't give me hope - it's exhuasting and makes me feel im being used for an ego boost.

This weekend I pull back, and he does too. I call him yesterday and to my suprise he actually calls me back fairly quickly. The line is horrible so we get off the phone, but he doesn't call me back again after saying he will "shortly". I message him if he's had a busy day and he messages back two words. I felt sick to be honest and havent respond. I'm an insecure mess...but my pride does kick in eventually.

The change in behaviour is so hurtful. I really thought I was one of those lucky people who met someone.

All thoughout this, the change of pace has come up, and he says "I want us to be together, stop overthinking". He goes on and on and on about how he would never lead me on, how everything is fine.

Honestly, I feel like he's embarrased about how full on he was at the start, he knows he's done wrong, and can't face it. I want to so desperately believe he's genuinely "just busy", but he's been busy before and still tried to squeeze little meetings in. I swallowed my pride and offered to come to him. He called it a "good idea to discuss" and hasn't mentioned it. He forgets he invited me down twice at the start and I declined as I felt it was too soon for me.

Lastly, I've met his mother 3/4 times, his uncle and his niece. I just don't understand how a grown man with 2 kids and a failed marraige could even gave time for such games.

I feel so exhuasted. And to be honest, just want to block him, but I don't have it in me. I've been through so much that I wont mention in this post but from sexual assult to emotional abuse to medical issues - I've waded through it - alone. I'm 33 with no kids, no partner and picking myself back up doesn't feel the same as it did when I was 22.

I know not all woman want to settle down, but I do. When will it be my bloody turn? I'm not sulking or being dramatic, my biological clock is ticking, and dare I say, don't I deserve to be happy too? This really really wieghs me down.

Some kind words and anyone who met their person and had kids in their 30s sharing their story would mean a lot.

xox

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 19/12/2024 09:26

OP, if it helps a little bit the "when you know, you know" feeling for me was more about how chilled and relaxed I felt with now DH. It wasn't huge hearts and gestures. It was meeting up a few times as friends then regretting not kissing home before he went home one time. It was being able to just sit and chat all night and be myself, like we had known each other for years.

I hope you keep him blocked, all those examples of lying in your last update would be reasons enough to have dumped him without the cancelling. That is not a decent man.

Jumell · 19/12/2024 09:19

OP I was in your exact situation at your age but my life changed dramatically for the better at 37 years 4 months ! So you’ve got approx 4 years on me !! 🙌

Original poster
yellowbluesky · 19/12/2024 09:17

UPDATE:

I blocked yesterday and have been miserable, but have stuck to it.

I really need therapy. Like a lot of it. Sorry but talking this through here is really helping. All the therapists I've reached out to are booked. I'll email another batch today.

Please be nice. I'm being vulnerable here and the advice is really really getting me through this. I wanted to share some red flags that I ignored. I've been gaslit so much in life...that even basic things that would send a woman running didn't with me. Sigh. I basically have never had the balls to say "I don't like this, this is smelly, goodbye" because all my life i was told "You are so extra...you are so annoying...you are lying...it's all in your head...it's not that deep".

Here they are ladies.....

  • I forgot to give this context: It's not that he just stopped seeing me....he was cancelling plans.The reason it got to me blocking him is because he said he'd see me 4 times and cancelled each one via text back to back. Twice he never even cancelled. I'd ask him where he was and he'd say sorry I'm not coming with an excuse. He blamed a weather warning once, but was driving his kids around in that same weather earlier that day. He would always text me to cancel. Never once a phone call.
  • The first time he cancelled via text, I called him to discuss. He refused to pick up because he was "tired" and "not in the mood". When I pulled him up on it two days later, he pretended to not remember what happened. He's done that several times.
  • He told me before me he was seeing a girl he didn't really fancy, but he liked her personality. He took her on holiday, then dumped her after. i pulled him up on it and said "that's very cruel", why would you waste her time? He said he thought he liked her but he was just bored and lonely. To be honest my stomach flipped when he told me about her, but he assured me - for lack of a better term - of all the things that were different about us. For example - that I'd met his mother.
  • He lied about his hieght on the app by a couple of inches. When I met him I was taken aback.
  • He lied about the languages he spoke on the app to attract his ideal "type", which I am not.
  • He lied about liking dogs. I pulled him up on this and he smirked awkwardly and was like "yeah well you have to put that to increase your chances"
  • He lied about having a postgrad degree on the app and seems to have forgotten it's on there, because when I asked if he went to uni, he immediately looked confused and would say "No, I told you"
  • He also lied about having a degree on his Linkedin that I found early on.
  • I sent him the link for an STD kit, he said the results had not come after two weeks. Then he said he sent for another one. Then those results allegedly came back clear, only after I asked him about it, and he never showed me the results stating "don't you trust me"
  • He had a prick on his finger. He said it was from the STD test where you need your blood for the HiV bit. I asked him how his finger was a week later, just being a little silly with him, and he said he nipped it on the bin. The week before, it was from the STD test.
  • The first time we ever spoke, he wouldn't stop mentioning how "well he had done for himself".
  • He said he has a driver because he hates public transport. Public transport is all he ever took when we were together. He avoided ordering us a taxi despite it being dark, rainy and cold after one date. We took the bus. This is fine, but so different from how he spoke about his habits initially...
  • He over exaggerated his success/job in loads of different ways - or perhaps illusions of grandeaur? I was never particularly impressed with what he was talking about. Ever. He sometimes acted up in his role, but made it sound that was his full time gig. It wasn't. His full time gig was the less senior role. Absolutely fine...but I noticed.
  • He avoids paying taxes and boasted about it.
  • He resented paying child maintenance and wanted a medal for doing it.
  • He never picked up the phone to me once. He would always call me back - if anything.
  • I never spoke to him in his home in his hometown. He was always driving or on the road when he called me.
  • He said he was attracted to my phenotype, but I noticed he had a particular fetish for a type of woman who looked nothing like me. He would always get a little smirk when he mentioned that ethnicity....like a school boy. He would call women who were not that ethnicity, that ethnicity, as a compliment?? I would say she's not X....But it was like he was praising them or something?

In therapy, I want to look at how my self esteem could be so low. Why my life outlook is so bleak, that I thought I could not do better than this? Why I was so desperate for attention, that someone who I thought was good looking could get away with such foolishness with me. He's not the last attractive man on the planet! When I say attractive - I mean attractive to me. Loads of women wouldn't have found him attractive but I did. He was no Brad Pitt. But it meant so much to me, that someone I fancied, would fancy me back! I have deep rejection / abandonment issues.

Sigh.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowbluesky · 19/12/2024 08:40

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks Thanks I really appreciate this. He never ever showered me with gifts or was charming. He was quite normal. The love bombing I mention was the constantly wanting to see me several times a week and the intense messaging. Never got flowers, never got an I love you, none of that. It was sort of emotional love bombing. Very subtle. Introducing me to the mum, the uncle, other family members....making plans for the future...I would always cut him off and say "listen if you want to go on holiday, just book it", but after a while, I started to ignore the red flags because my inner child just wanted a hug, to be seen, to be noticed, to be wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowbluesky · 19/12/2024 08:37

@IdylicDay I offered several times to excuses about how "I'll be bored" because it's not a major city x

OP posts:
IdylicDay · 19/12/2024 02:12

Did you ever go down to see him, or did you expect him to do all the visiting and travelling? Because it honestly seems like you expected him to make all the effort. If you knew he couldn't get up to you, you could have gone to him.

CheeryPlum · 18/12/2024 21:40

I had one of these.

I was kept at arms length. Communication was nearly impossible as he'd wait 6-8 hours to reply to every text. He severely limited how much time he'd spend with me. Generally we'd meet on a Saturday night and he couldn't wait to get me out on Sunday morning. It was soul crushing and made me feel like shit.

He ended it after a few months because of 'something' I'd said but wouldn't say what it was. So he even left me dangling at the end with no explanation.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 18/12/2024 21:37

The therapy and self-reflection sounds like a good idea OP.

It sounds like you were trying to do The Rules or some other daft other-thinking, outdated way to ‘land a man’.

You could have as much as 10 years to have a family. You might have several 2-3 month relationships until then, you can’t let yourself be devastated every time it doesn’t work out with someone you’ve met 10 times.

I always advised friends that really, desperately wanted marriage and kids to think seriously about whether a nice, steady man who wanted that too would be a much better prospect than the v attractive/successful/ultra-charming/marathoner/whatever unattainable traits they were chasing was. In other words, if what you want most is kids, you might need to accept that their father isn’t your idealised man if you dreams, but instead a nice man you can make a shared life with. Swipe on some of them.

Original poster
yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 21:29

@Sassybooklover THANK YOU. Do you understand that reading comments like yours is literally saving me? The depression I feel over this is crippling. You're pulling me through. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 18/12/2024 21:20

I'm going to echo another comment...if it's this hard work at 3 months, then he's not the man for you. A relationship, especially in the beginning, shouldn't be emotionally and physically draining. Your relationship sounds exhausting, and I'm not surprised you are fed up. You need to try and step back from overthinking your biological clock, because if you don't, you are going to keep ending up in the wrong relationships. You desperately want a man to be 'the one', so you can have a baby. I understand that, but you have tunnel vision, and that's making you accept a relationship like this..a difficult, exhausting one with a man who blows hot/cold. You are only 33!! I didn't meet my husband until I was 31, married at 33 and our son was born when I was 35 (3 weeks short of my 36th birthday). Keep up with your hobbies, friends etc, and throw this one back into the sea.

Pensionswew · 18/12/2024 21:16

@Daleksatemyshed posts are so right.

Look at the step parenting bored and read the misery and regret.
All of what she wrote and being used as skivvy aupair by men and their Ex.
Always being second best.

The regret is so poignant.
Lives wrecked by selfish user losers.

There is a lot worse ways to live than alone.
Being a skivvy doing and paying for everything for children that don't want you with their dad.

I would be devastated if my daughters went near a man with children.
I warn them that they deserve to be someones priority, not free childcare.

You deserve better.

Anothernamechane · 18/12/2024 21:11

yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 21:04

@Anothernamechane

I have. Still haven't eaten all day and my eyes are swollen from crying.

I know it's only 3 months but it was so intense and I felt like I met my person.

Sorry if that sounds silly to you, but it felt super real, not like I was being dramatic or anything. The switch up was very very slow and gradual, then it hit me one day that he'd changed and I was wrong.

If someone steals a penny out of your purse, it's not about the penny, is it?

I just feel violated, lonely, like I'll never find someone, and not good enough.

Good for all the women who can meet a lovely guy who can do no wrong at the start and not start to feel optimistic.

If I had a penny for the amount of women that have told me "when you know you know" when a woman falls in love after a few weeks but the secound it's time to have empathy for someone who was wrong it's like "You don't know him"....Lord.

You’ve been love bombed. Listen to what you’re saying. The switch was gradual and slow. It’s been 3 months, so how fast did it become serious? Six weeks in?

Look I’m not saying it’s easy, it’s not. I was single for 10 years and I’m not even sure I want to be in a relationship. I’m not a proponent of “when you know you know”. In my mind there are people that works out for and people it goes disastrously wrong for because you simply can’t know someone that fast. You can’t know someone in a year.

You feel shit because he’s reeled you in and disappointed you. He’s not the one. But I do think you need to keep this in perspective. He’s sold you a dream and you were falling for that dream, but you’ve found out early that he’s not the dream and that’s a good thing because you can cut your losses and move on. In 6 months he’ll be a bad memory

Original poster
yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 21:10

@Onlyvisiting

I know, it's still lonely, depressing and sad not having a partner and kids when you want one. Thinking you met your person when you haven't is exhausting, and it's already hard to meet guys. I go YEARS without a date and without any type of prospects. That's the hardest thing. I will probably die alone at this rate. No I'm not being dramatic.

OP posts:
Onlyvisiting · 18/12/2024 21:06

yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 20:58

@Mrswhatsit40 Thanks that's very validating. Thanks for sharing. The gaslighting on his end has been borderline demonic.

I'm so glad to read down the thread and see you have ended it.
Honestly, until you said you have met his family I would have assumed he was married/in another relationship.
I can't fathom what could be going on in his head or why he would act like that, but think about it- does it really matter? You are early enough in your relationship that everyone should still be on the best behaviour so to speak. If this is the best of himself he can show you- whatever the reason for it- then would you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life? I'm assuming no, so congratulations, you are well rid, this is not a loss!

Original poster
yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 21:04

@Anothernamechane

I have. Still haven't eaten all day and my eyes are swollen from crying.

I know it's only 3 months but it was so intense and I felt like I met my person.

Sorry if that sounds silly to you, but it felt super real, not like I was being dramatic or anything. The switch up was very very slow and gradual, then it hit me one day that he'd changed and I was wrong.

If someone steals a penny out of your purse, it's not about the penny, is it?

I just feel violated, lonely, like I'll never find someone, and not good enough.

Good for all the women who can meet a lovely guy who can do no wrong at the start and not start to feel optimistic.

If I had a penny for the amount of women that have told me "when you know you know" when a woman falls in love after a few weeks but the secound it's time to have empathy for someone who was wrong it's like "You don't know him"....Lord.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 20:58

@Mrswhatsit40 Thanks that's very validating. Thanks for sharing. The gaslighting on his end has been borderline demonic.

OP posts:
Anothernamechane · 18/12/2024 19:38

I’ve had cheese in my fridge longer than you’ve known this man and it’s already exhausting and making you miserable.

Honestly you don’t even need to have a conversation here. Just block and move on.

Mrswhatsit40 · 18/12/2024 19:38

I had one like this - he was married and I suspect had other women on the go and couldn't keep up with his lies.

Run!!

Daleksatemyshed · 18/12/2024 19:36

@yellowbluesky there's a Step parenting board on MN, if you look through the first DC v the second DC problem comes up quite a lot. Dad feels guilty about the second family, as if they were replacing the first DC so he goes into "Disney Dad" mode- he won't tell the first kids off, he spends loads of money on them, he lets them have all their own way- a lethal combination of guilt and fear and it splits the family apart.

NRTFT · 18/12/2024 19:34

If you call yourself those names they will embed in your psyche.

Instead tell yourself: lucky escape, I'm worth more than that, I am the prize, I am beautiful inside which make me beautiful to everyone, I have so much to give, I am worthy, I am enough.

Original poster
yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 19:10

@Squeekey I know. Just feeling sad, alone, ugly, worthless and unlucky. That's all x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 19:09

@Daleksatemyshed Thanks for this. He's often given me "He won't love our kids as much as he loves his with her" vibes. It was such a strange and intrusive thought but it was there. Thanks for mentioning because I definitely thought it.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 19:06

@MidnightMeltdown

Another nasty comment for no reason....If you stopped reading...why comment? Seriously. I'm really hurting and have come here for support. Not nasty comments demeaning me. Please be careful how you speak to people, even online x

OP posts:
Squeekey · 18/12/2024 17:24

Reading it again, maybe it's more a bit of ambivalence from your side at the start rather than games. I don't know.

If you were that keen on him then you'd have surely been more keen to see him. You wouldn't have been watching that you didnt see him 'too much', holding him at arms length.

Regardless of whether it was just him playing games or both of you, it sounds like a lot of stress for just 3 months. If you'd can't be happy, relaxed and loved up at 3 months, then it wouldn't bode well for being happy when knee deep in nappies surviving on minimal sleep. This one isn't meant to be. It's just too difficult.

Squeekey · 18/12/2024 17:15

yellowbluesky · 18/12/2024 16:42

@Squeekey

Sorry but perhaps you didn't read my post properly.

I suspected love bombing and wanted boundaries.

Often I did see him more than once a week - but I always prioritised myself.

He never saw me as a "once a week girl" - he moved back to his hometown for work and stopped initiating anything at all.

I was beyond affectionate, beyond responsive via text and he had no doubt i was into him. He even told me he knows how I feel and he doesn't question it!

I picked up every phone call. We never went a day without speaking.

He went cold. Then acted like he didn't want to break up. Then ghosted me. That's what happened.

I honestly don't know how I'll make it through this but despite messages like yours the amount of validation and kindess on here has been lovely.

Men don't fall from the sky - its excruciating waiting every few years to meet someone you like, then wondering if it's real or will last, and it doesnt.

I just cannot do this again. I cannot.

I read your post thoroughly. It still sounds to me like you were game playing as well, deliberately keeping him at a distance. I couldn't be doing with that.