Am I being ungrateful?

Make sure you treat him as shabbily when his birthday rolls around.

I don’t think you’d have been happy with anything he did. The kids still faffing about to sign the birthday card he bought you is not a minus. A cake in the box to look forward to is not a minus. A large jumper linked to something you like is listening plus effort and maybe imagining you wearing only that to bed. Going away to a restaurant you like and a hotel you like is not a minus.

There has to be some reason why everything he does you look at like it’s dogshit in your shoe. This doesn’t add up- what is really going on?

I’d be disappointed by the gift, but I’m of the belief that if you want good presents, you drop good links. The rest would be absolutely fine by me; a cake, a card and the choice of how to spend the day - lovely.

I always organise my own birthday. That way I get to do what I want to do.

Honestly, none of that would bother me.

The way she's moaned about absolutely everything no wonder he's asked her what she would like to do.

I think if he'd have booked the meal and the hotel she'd be moaning about where he'd booked!

Cake still in cellophane makes absolute sense; presumably they weren't going to eat it for breakfast and as they were going away for a few days if he'd opened it again there would be complaints that it was going to go off and be wasted!

Lovely….

It's not an half arsed approach it's a loving one!
I'd love to be asked what I'd like to do for my birthday rather than everyone deciding I want a child free evening out.

The gift is appalling! So it's for a sport you don't participate in and strongly follow, of a team you don't support, in the wrong size, aimed at the wrong sex. I think he did a Homer Simpson when he bought Marge a bowling ball! I'd be returning the gift.
Take your mate to the meal and hotel and tell him he's got the kids for today and overnight.

At least he remembered it was your birthday. My ex wouldn’t have done anything so there was a bit of effort on your husband’s part.

Yes, same here. I used to get upset but realised that is just his way. It’s not a reflection of how much he loves me.

he has been to 3 M&S stores this week to find the Christmas cake he knows I love. That’s better than any present he could wrap.

I always write cards on the morning. It's one of those little tasks which takes seconds but always seems to slip past me. He didn't do it as you walked in as an "Oh bollocks! Kids quick write Mummy's card" thing by the sound of it. He was getting the kids up (from like 80% of the posts on here that already makes him a winner) and sorting it at the same time.

The cake seems a bit shit but then you were going away so presumably weren't available to do cake in the evening. He was showing you he had the cake, and doing cake with the kids, whilst not then wasting the cake by opening it before you'd eat it. He probably weighed up between that and not doing the cake until the next day but figured you'd at least like to know you had a cake (probably right there, you'd have moaned no cake if he was keeping it to surprise you with).

The gift seems a bit rubbish but if there's a tentative link to something you like that could show more thought. Like he's researched into what to get fans of this thing. And your body issues, well he probably either didn't realise that a men's jumper would set them off (because lots of women happily wear men's clothing, especially sports jerseys) or he thought that buying something which is intentionally big would be nice because you could hide in it but not look obviously hiding because it was designed that way. But I'm going to assume it was the first. And a disappointing birthday gift... they happen sometimes. It's unfortunate but it's what happens.

Considering how you've whinged about everything else. It was probably a good thing you'd booked what you wanted. And he asked what you wanted to do, he wanted to make sure it was what YOU wanted. And you threw that back in his face.

Maybe next time you want to get intimate he should say "after your attitude on your birthday my dick has gone limp"

My husband is rubbish with birthdays/Christmas presents. Unless it’s on Amazon I’m not getting it. Which I know most things are available on Amazon but I’m not a fan of giving a list and making demands of presents.
so we basically decided let’s not buy for each other, because then there’s no stress. We do something really lovely together instead that we both(mainly me) plan. And that’s okay! I always said to him the best Christmas present he could get me is for me to not have to give him a present 😂 one less person to think about, shop for and wrap at Christmas.
the kids pick something to gift and it’s always very random but that’s okay because they think it through ☺️

The bar really is on the floor for some people.

id be disappointed about the card & cake too, writing in the cards in front of you is thoughtless, showing you the cake in the box was unnecessary,

and I’d ask him why he bought you that jumper.

it’s crappy having to arrange your own birthday too, it’s all underwhelming and shows little care or excitement to celebrate you.

I would take the present as something he actually wanted himself.

I couldn't get worked up about the card-writing thing, or the cake being in its box. I think that's just being rubbish at presentation, rather than a lack of thought/effort.

The gift misfired but I can absolutely see where he might have been coming from when he bought it for you - he did clearly think about it in terms of there being a link to something you like, and I don't think he can be blamed for your body confidence issues. Yes, it was a very disappointing gift, and I completely get that, but I don't think it was necessarily lazy or inconsiderate. And I also don't think it's really up to him to decide what you do today or plan things. You've both booked the day off so I'd say it's your choice to do what you like, as it's your birthday.

I can see why you're annoyed that you had to book your own hotel/restaurant, but did you actually have to book it? Could you have said 'I was thinking it might be nice to go away for a night on my birthday - could you have a look at hotels and book somewhere?'

I'm wondering if there are maybe other issues in your relationship and this is just part of a bigger picture, because on its own it doesn't seem that big a deal to me.

Very poor OP.
All part of you feeling unappreciated.

I think dropping the rope and matching his energy helps with resentment.
Stop doing the little things that are never returned.
Reprocosity in relationships is very important.

When you don't have it to a general degree, resentment is inevitable.

Let that be your goal for 2025.

Cancel the hotel break/ dinner if you can and spend the money on yourself.

The jumper sounds awful but he does sound like he is lacking in imagination rather than being uncaring.

For me, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but I’m not a big birthday type of person. It matters to you though. Tell him you’re disappointed and ask him to quickly make a plan to do something nice today.

The shower thing sounds like you just wanting to start a fight because you’re annoyed.

Happy birthday and I hope you go on to have a nice day.

I make a big thing of everyone’s birthday in our house, growing old is a gift that not everyone receives and I feel each birthday should be celebrated in style!

however one year I got a shitty box of chocolates that I dislike, I was furious, as that was all I got, and I felt really unappreciated so I kept the box of chocolates and gave hem back to him for his next birthday. Never made an effort eg banners etc, cake, he soon felt how I felt.

petty, yeah, satisfying, yeah and what an effort he makes now!

lesson learned! 😂

Maybe I am biased as I am very bad at writing the card on a morning but I couldn't get worked up about that. Cakes are awkward when you are not ready to eat them (did you want the kids asking for cake for breakfast??). Gift, is pretty shit, I'll give you that.
As for expecting him to choose something to do today, that is just setting him up to fail, you are not happy with anything else he has done, why would you then want him to choose your day?
I think this runs much deeper then your birthday, enjoy today and deal with the rest another day.
And Happy Birthday btw!

I would still try and enjoy the day. How about cinema to see wicked? Then shopping and trying on loads of outfits. Drag him too of course as he did ask you what you wanted to do!

Would not be having sex with that.

If the hotel holds expectations of sex I would cancel now. The first birthday I was with now dh we did nowt.. I changed that the next year. And one year we got married on my birthday.. So extra gifts then now!! Sadly for some it's if you want it to happen make it happen yourself..
Or find a man who will..
Yanbu to accept shoddy showerings of love and respect.... A wrapped cake is very shoddy..

The gift is the only part that sounds bad to me, I don't get why you'd want the cake open first thing in the morning. And it sounds like he's willing to do what you want, he's asking what you'd like to do for the day.