Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

awful, mean spirited, divisive post, hurtful, harmful, sad

^^This

Why weren't they living with either parent?

🙄

He's his son and is always going to be his son. I suggest that you pull together on this one. He's had a difficult upbringing and wouldn't be living with grandparents if not. Not in any way condoning his behaviour but he's got problems and family is family.

Tis the Season of Goodwill to All Men - a wonderful opportunity to be magnanimous, provide food bonhomie and a family Christmas Day, all lost souls included.
Be gracious OP, mend fences, all will be well.

I think there will only be awkwardness if you decide to make it awkward. He has treated your in-laws badly but if they, and your DH, can get past this then so should you. It's only one day (and every chance he won't come anyway).

Don’t kick up a fuss.

If you ban him his enabling grandparents will take pity and stay at home with him.

Invite, look forward to a lovely day with ILs and the chances, string chances, are that he won’t turn up.

For better for worse, he is your DH’s son, I think your DH has the casting vote on this.

Agree!

You say: “SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one).”

But I’m guessing it actually is relevant.

YABU - he is still your DH's son. He lives with your PIL's, surely they can't come for christmas without him.
I imagine there's a lot more backstory to this but my advice would be, you try and stay out of it, you still visit PIL's and be pleasant to SS. You don't need to be his friend but from what you've said he hasn't done anything to you directly so you adding your hate for him is only making things more awkward and harder for your dh. You need to support your DH on this one and not make it about your feelings towards him. Imagine it was DH saying one of your children couldn't come for whatever reason

Oh, come on. Smoking a bit of weed does not make him a junkie.

Maybe if his father was present more as a teen he wouldn’t be struggling so much as a young man. Unless there’s a huge drip feed happening it’s high time DF made his son a priority.

@Lifelessonsnotlearnt Honestly let him come over and you leave for the day or the night befroe.
Book a meal and room somewhere for your Xmas .
This man child has gotten away with shocking behaviour for too long.

He went away crying … really?

I don’t think someone who smokes weed can really be classed as a junkie.
But make him smoke outside, I wouldn’t be having that in my house. If he’s always smoked weed (since teens I mean) it’ll have affected his brain development hence his current situation. He sounds really very unhappy and could probably do with some counselling and CBT. Also to stop the weed but he’d need to want that himself obvs.

Agree. Why doesn't he live with his parents? That must be relevant

I can't imagine either of my adult DC living with their GP and me having a separate life. You say it is not relevant to this scenario but I am sure it is.

I have a lot of sympathy with your point of view but I think you need to be the bigger person here for the sake of everyone else.

This SS is 26 years old??? WTH.

Sounds like a total pain in the ass but have him for Christmas and pretend nothing has happened. Aim for the most harmonious day possible. What’s the point in trying to leave him out - it’s your DH’s son. Then have a nice Boxing Day together without him.

This. SS would have been a young teen when his parents split and neither took care of him.

I would imagine your DH has a lot of guilt for neglecting his son, he's not going to ban him from Xmas now.

Dh wants a druggie in your home? No thanks. He wants to see him fine but not in your joint home. Keeping a junkie out overrules having one in.

This is the crux of it.

I’d argue that your PIL are old enough to decide for themselves what they want to do on Christmas and don’t need you to decide to be so offended on their behalf. So is this about them or what YOU want for the day? Why shouldn’t spend the day with DGC if they seem happy to? It reads like they have been the defacto parents, not just GP, in this situation for a time.

When did SS move in with them? And why did he not move in with you and his DF?

Bottom line, he is your husband's son, and therefore if your husband wants his son to be there, you have to back him up.

You glossed over your stepson not living with either parent following the divorce. I doubt it's as irrelevant to the current situation as you want to think. It's not usual for an, at most, young teen, to not live with either parent.

There clearly is a LOT of backstory here.

I'd say the most pertinent one is WHY are the now-adult children living with very elderly grandparents? And not with their, presumably competent enough, biological father, if their mum isn't on the scene?

If son is 26, still living with very elderly grandparents, and not making any significant moves towards having an adult life... I'd be more concerned about that, than focusing on one pretty unpleasant argument.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I’m actually quite concerned about your PIL especially their safety - SS obviously doesn’t care about their comfort, wellbeing or health. Why should everyone else have a shitty Christmas Day - and it will be shit because the relationships are already strained, something will happen and he’ll kick off, argue with your DH, swear at his grandmother (or you) and make it miserable for everyone.

Well you're stuck between a rock and a hard place but I don't think it would be good not to give him the benefit of the doubt and he is your DH's son.
Having said that, I wouldn't stand for any shitty behaviour from him. Good luck