Page 6 | Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

Lifelessonsnotlearnt · 2024-12-17T09:27:32+00:00

Apologies for the long story but there is background context to add... My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs married for 7. We each have kids from previous marriages, husband has (M26) and (F20). I get on really well with my SD, however SS tolerates me and is civil, but there is no real relationship there. Rewind to a few months ago. SD and SS both live with husbands elderly parents (in their 80's). MIL is the loveliest person you could ever hope to meet and will do anything for anyone. SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one). SS has for the most part since turning adult has been in and out of work. There have been various 'interventions' with my husband on his lack of job, grumpy and rude attitide around the house, and not contributing to the house financially or physically, not to mention the smoking of weed in his bedroom! (FIL has COPD amongst other health issues). So during yet another 'chat' with SS, husband reiterated again that he needed to get a job, start contributing to the household and be more pleasant with his grandparents...and stop smoking weed in the house. MIL came in after and the conversation turned to her offing to pay for his driving lessons, which had been on the table since be was 17 and he hadn't taken her up on it, He took some sort of offence to this and he told her she was acting like C*** which obviously incited my husband and all h*** broke lose. Husband and SS were shouting and swearing at each other then SS stomped off to his bedroom crying. SS didn't speak to husband for a few weeks and was cordial with inlaws. Afew weeks later he got a job, but continues to smoke weed in the house! (small changes?!). Since then I haven't really visited MIL at her home as I'm still enraged at how he spoke to her and how he has treated her over the years, and the fact that he STILL smokes weed. Had that been one of my adult chidren they would have been shown the door! I just don't want to be in the same space as him, and have informed my husband so. Fast forward to 10 days ago, my husband picked me up from work and informed me that inlaws and SS were coming for Chrismas dinner. Bearing in mind we had always had an 'open house' invitation, but they had never come. SS has only visited his father at out home once or twice and refuses to come when invited. He's had Christams invitattions previously, has said he's coming and just doesn't. We have argued none stop since, I don't want him to come, husband says 'what am I supposed to do, he's my son'. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I have to spend the day in his company knowing what he's treating my inlaws. I feel there will be an awkwardness that veveryone will pick up on and it will ruin everyones day. Am I being unreasonable, as husband says I am?

AVeryCovidChristmas · 17/12/2024 12:54

Both your DH and SS have made lots of mistakes, but you expect a different response from them. You believe your SS should be ostracized for his bad behaviour but also expect your SS to brush your DHs bad behaviour under the carpet. I think good start would be your DH learning to manage his anger, so that situations do not become explosive. At the end of the day, you can be encouraged to pour fuel onto the fire by posters on here but it isn't going to help your situation. If your DCs were difficult, would you exclude them from Christmas?

RedToothBrush · 17/12/2024 12:53

Lifelessonsnotlearnt · 17/12/2024 12:47

This is exactly how it plays out. Unfortunately H stroke years ago makes it hard for him to stay calm when provoked and he always feels bad after, hence SS pushing his buttons so my husband is always the once apologising after.

Show quote history

Well you are fucked then.

And your SS will never sort his shit out. It'll ultimately kill your in laws.

And eventually your marriage.

Seriously, cut your loses.

Original poster

Lifelessonsnotlearnt · 17/12/2024 12:53

trapforsanta · 17/12/2024 12:41

The fact that his behaviour is worse than his sisters is not surprising if you look at the timeline. His mum left when he was 11. This is such a critical crucial age and he was likely more impacted than his younger her sister who was still in the throes of the magical thinking of childhood. At 11 your identity as an adult in this world is being rapidly shaped, and you have all the sudden insecurities of puberty, and at that moment his parents left him - his dad sort of left him too (by moving in with GP's and with his health issue - not your DH's fault but would have felt like abandonment to the son).

I would say he is in need of counselling. Has he had any? He sounds deeply deeply unhappy and depressed. The weed won't be helping long term but of course it will be numbing his pain.

It's so hard for anyone, girls and boys in different ways but for young men they often feel the pain can't be expressed and they fear appearing weak. So it gets internalised and comes out in angry bursts and avoidant behaviour. He is simply protecting himself and he doesn't know any other way.

I think the only way things will truly recover is if your husband tries to have some proper decent open and honest conversations with his DS, about the past, about what the DS went through and acknowledges his pain. I don't know how good your DH is with honest heartfelt communication but that is what required. And a lot of love (including boundaries but mainly involving investing time and interest) from him as well. Is there a hobby or regular activity they can do together to start the ball rolling?

This is so true, I do feel SS needs professional help to talk through his feelings, but he won't initiate it and it has to come from him as he's an adult. H has had many heart to hearts with SS which didn't involve shouting and swearing and the past has also been discussed many times. They have shared many interests, fishing, football, golf and it lasts a short time, before SS disengages and so the cycle starts again....

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifelessonsnotlearnt · 17/12/2024 12:47

SpryCat · 17/12/2024 12:38

Your H and PIL are enabling him to act like a very angry little boy who stomps off to his room crying because he doesn’t want to be a responsible adult. Your husband was having a chat with his son about the way he is treating his grandparents, total disrespect and disregard of his GF’s COPD by smoking weed in the house, plus his attitude and not paying rent or looking for a full time job. So MIL comes in to soften the blow of him being pulled up about his refusal to grow up and reminds him of the offer he’d had before from her to pay for his driving lessons, to help him find a full time job. He calls her an cunt and then all hell breaks loose resulting in Ss stomping off to his room crying.
All that did was, for your H to lose his temper and to act no different to how Ss had spoke to MIL except it turned the tables from him being being in the wrong to being a victim, to garner sympathy from everyone. Your H would’ve felt guilt because he lost control of the situation and ended up saying awful things in a temper. MIL once you both left would’ve been wringing her hands trying to comfort her GS and he would be let of the hook. I bet that’s a pattern that keeps occurring repeatedly between them all.
The questions it throws up at me reading your post is why did your H lumber his ageing parents with the responsibility of his children.
Why is he unable to keep his parents safe from son’s abuse, swearing at old people in their 80’s by a 26 year old Man, it is abuse and so is smoking weed in the house of someone who has COPD? Why can’t your H speak to his son calmly about said abuse without getting triggered by Son deliberately pushing his buttons so the whole conversation get abusive between them? That must’ve scare the shit out of the PILs? They must of been walking on eggshells after you left trying to calm your Ss down!

To get back on track about your question on your post about you and H’s disagreement on whether Ss should be invited round to celebrate Christmas, your H sees nothing wrong with inviting Son round and is scared of alienating him. You will be resented by all of them if you insist he can’t come, including your IL’s! That’s the family dynamics you married into and there is absolutely nothing you can change about it,. To point out their dysfunctional ways won’t make your H acknowledge it, he will deny it with his last breath!

My advice is to say to H, “I don’t agree with your son’s behaviour but he’s your son so if you really want him here Christmas Day then so be it.” Completely disengage with your Ss, it doesn’t mean you are rude to him or cause an atmosphere, just say the basics, hello, can you pass the salt please etc and goodbye. Stop getting involved or taking an interest in anything he does and how it impacts everyone. When H brings it up just say “I don’t want to talk about it, we have spoken numerous times about your son and his abusive behaviour but nothing changes so I don’t want to discuss it, not because I don’t care but it’s bad for my MH.” Your mantra to yourself is, “not my monkey, not my circus.”
You can’t their behaviour, you only have the power to change your own behaviour so … Disengage.

Edited

This is exactly how it plays out. Unfortunately H stroke years ago makes it hard for him to stay calm when provoked and he always feels bad after, hence SS pushing his buttons so my husband is always the once apologising after.

OP posts:

RedToothBrush · 17/12/2024 12:42

'what am I supposed to do, he's my son'.

And?

He treats everyone else around him like shit. He's a adult. He is the son of his own parents who deserve a break from this shit show.

Frankly he should have raised his son better and if his son behaves like this, you don't enable it, you say no to it. Like you would a bratty toddler. Which is how the son behaves.

Frankly he should be more concerned about his parents in this dynamic than his son.

His son needs to grow the fuck up. It's time to stop letting him walk all over everyone else.

trapforsanta · 17/12/2024 12:41

The fact that his behaviour is worse than his sisters is not surprising if you look at the timeline. His mum left when he was 11. This is such a critical crucial age and he was likely more impacted than his younger her sister who was still in the throes of the magical thinking of childhood. At 11 your identity as an adult in this world is being rapidly shaped, and you have all the sudden insecurities of puberty, and at that moment his parents left him - his dad sort of left him too (by moving in with GP's and with his health issue - not your DH's fault but would have felt like abandonment to the son).

I would say he is in need of counselling. Has he had any? He sounds deeply deeply unhappy and depressed. The weed won't be helping long term but of course it will be numbing his pain.

It's so hard for anyone, girls and boys in different ways but for young men they often feel the pain can't be expressed and they fear appearing weak. So it gets internalised and comes out in angry bursts and avoidant behaviour. He is simply protecting himself and he doesn't know any other way.

I think the only way things will truly recover is if your husband tries to have some proper decent open and honest conversations with his DS, about the past, about what the DS went through and acknowledges his pain. I don't know how good your DH is with honest heartfelt communication but that is what required. And a lot of love (including boundaries but mainly involving investing time and interest) from him as well. Is there a hobby or regular activity they can do together to start the ball rolling?

SpryCat · 17/12/2024 12:38

Your H and PIL are enabling him to act like a very angry little boy who stomps off to his room crying because he doesn’t want to be a responsible adult. Your husband was having a chat with his son about the way he is treating his grandparents, total disrespect and disregard of his GF’s COPD by smoking weed in the house, plus his attitude and not paying rent or looking for a full time job. So MIL comes in to soften the blow of him being pulled up about his refusal to grow up and reminds him of the offer he’d had before from her to pay for his driving lessons, to help him find a full time job. He calls her an cunt and then all hell breaks loose resulting in Ss stomping off to his room crying.
All that did was, for your H to lose his temper and to act no different to how Ss had spoke to MIL except it turned the tables from him being being in the wrong to being a victim, to garner sympathy from everyone. Your H would’ve felt guilt because he lost control of the situation and ended up saying awful things in a temper. MIL once you both left would’ve been wringing her hands trying to comfort her GS and he would be let of the hook. I bet that’s a pattern that keeps occurring repeatedly between them all.
The questions it throws up at me reading your post is why did your H lumber his ageing parents with the responsibility of his children.
Why is he unable to keep his parents safe from son’s abuse, swearing at old people in their 80’s by a 26 year old Man, it is abuse and so is smoking weed in the house of someone who has COPD? Why can’t your H speak to his son calmly about said abuse without getting triggered by Son deliberately pushing his buttons so the whole conversation get abusive between them? That must’ve scare the shit out of the PILs? They must of been walking on eggshells after you left trying to calm your Ss down!

To get back on track about your question on your post about you and H’s disagreement on whether Ss should be invited round to celebrate Christmas, your H sees nothing wrong with inviting Son round and is scared of alienating him. You will be resented by all of them if you insist he can’t come, including your IL’s! That’s the family dynamics you married into and there is absolutely nothing you can change about it,. To point out their dysfunctional ways won’t make your H acknowledge it, he will deny it with his last breath!

My advice is to say to H, “I don’t agree with your son’s behaviour but he’s your son so if you really want him here Christmas Day then so be it.” Completely disengage with your Ss, it doesn’t mean you are rude to him or cause an atmosphere, just say the basics, hello, can you pass the salt please etc and goodbye. Stop getting involved or taking an interest in anything he does and how it impacts everyone. When H brings it up just say “I don’t want to talk about it, we have spoken numerous times about your son and his abusive behaviour but nothing changes so I don’t want to discuss it, not because I don’t care but it’s bad for my MH.” Your mantra to yourself is, “not my monkey, not my circus.”
You can’t their behaviour, you only have the power to change your own behaviour so … Disengage.

Delphiniumandlupins · 17/12/2024 12:37

None of this excuses bad behaviour to his grandparents or his failure to launch as an adult but it may explain it.

Exactly

Original poster

Lifelessonsnotlearnt · 17/12/2024 12:32

I'm shocked at some of the responses stating my husband abandoned SS as a teenagers, which is far from the case. Mistakes were made after the divorce with his ex (both responsible not just my husband), but at what point do you move on and start acting like an adult?

My husband didn't just leave then with IL and move in with me and my children he was single for over 5 years and we dated for over a year before we lived together, always including all of the kids in what we did, holidays, days out, etc. SS was never interested as he was older and out with his mates.

OP posts:

FlickeringFairyLight · 17/12/2024 12:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BIossomtoes · 17/12/2024 12:06

Oneanonymouspost · 17/12/2024 11:55

Honestly it sounds as if your DH has just opted out of parenting his child considering his son has been living with his very elderly parents for the past 10 years with him visiting his fathers house “once or twice”. You say his poor behaviour has been going on for years so presumably since he was a child and in the teenage years and instead of dealing with his child he’s just left his elderly parents to deal with an angry abandoned young man? Maybe there’s more to it than that but that’s how it reads. Shame on your DH.

This. Completely unreasonable in so many ways.

Oneanonymouspost · 17/12/2024 11:55

Honestly it sounds as if your DH has just opted out of parenting his child considering his son has been living with his very elderly parents for the past 10 years with him visiting his fathers house “once or twice”. You say his poor behaviour has been going on for years so presumably since he was a child and in the teenage years and instead of dealing with his child he’s just left his elderly parents to deal with an angry abandoned young man? Maybe there’s more to it than that but that’s how it reads. Shame on your DH.

Annabella92 · 17/12/2024 11:53

MissDoubleU · 17/12/2024 11:01

Oh, come on. Smoking a bit of weed does not make him a junkie.

Maybe if his father was present more as a teen he wouldn’t be struggling so much as a young man. Unless there’s a huge drip feed happening it’s high time DF made his son a priority.

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I wouldn't use the word junkie. But I'd bet it is more than a little weed

Original poster

Lifelessonsnotlearnt · 17/12/2024 11:52

Thanks for all of your answers, it's helpful to get an outside perspective.

To answer them in no order:

Yes there is a rather long back story and 'drip feeding' info was never my intent, its hard to know where to start and what to include that is relevant.

Husband end ex split up when kids were approx 11 and 7. It was an acrimonious split (she cheated and left) and SS took it hard. Shortly after the split husband had a stroke and had to sell his house before losing it. Him and ex had 50/50 custody so when he moved in with IL the kids spent half their time there with him. Husband did not date for years after the split and dedicated all of his time to his kids (outside of work), so no they were not 'dumped' on the ILs, SS moved between the 2 parents for a few years not liking the rules either his mum or dad laid down. When we moved in together he did not want to come, SD was at this point living full time with he mum until recently. Husband has always made time for SS, he just didn't want it.

The issue I have with weed is not that he smokes it, he's smoking it in the house when he's been told not to and FIL have COPD so yes I find it disrespectful.

As stated I do have a very good relationship with SD, and they have been treated exactly the same.

OP posts:

safetyfreak · 17/12/2024 11:51

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Yes, why did the grandparents become responsible for two teenagers and now, young adults?

SS is your DH son, and your wrong to make him choose. Your husband plays a huge part in why your SS acts the way he is.

VacuumPacked · 17/12/2024 11:43

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/12/2024 11:24

Unless I am wrong he is 27??

Isn’t about time he changed his bloody ways. .How long do we baby our children . Ffs the grandparents could be dead soon
then what ?
He is lazy and disrespecting them

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harsh ! judgemental, comments from your self satisfied soapbox

the Spirit of Christmas obviously passed you by completely

and what

@DowntonCrabbie thoughtfully said, should give you cause to ponder
your irrelevant but aggressive remarks

FlickeringFairyLight · 17/12/2024 11:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

StormingNorman · 17/12/2024 11:39

He sounds very unhappy. I doubt being uninvited for Christmas will have any positive effect on his mental health, drug use or ability to hold down a job. This lad needs to be welcomed into his dad’s home and made to feel wanted.

DowntonCrabbie · 17/12/2024 11:32

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/12/2024 11:24

Unless I am wrong he is 27??

Isn’t about time he changed his bloody ways. .How long do we baby our children . Ffs the grandparents could be dead soon
then what ?
He is lazy and disrespecting them

Show quote history

You are wrong, it clearly says 26. And his parents abandoned him long ago, if he's a mess now it's their fault.

You don't get to not raise your kid and then complain how they turned out.

User37482 · 17/12/2024 11:29

I don’t understand why he didn’t live with either the ex or your husband. At any point your Dh could have relived his parents of responsibility for his own children but he didn’t.

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/12/2024 11:24

VacuumPacked · 17/12/2024 11:14

awful, mean spirited, divisive post, hurtful, harmful, sad

Show quote history

Unless I am wrong he is 27??

Isn’t about time he changed his bloody ways. .How long do we baby our children . Ffs the grandparents could be dead soon
then what ?
He is lazy and disrespecting them

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 17/12/2024 11:19

Given that he is invited but rarely comes, I suspect he will just not turn up.

ErinAoife · 17/12/2024 11:19

Why are his kids leaving with their grandparents and not with one of the parents?

FlickeringFairyLight · 17/12/2024 11:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

VacuumPacked · 17/12/2024 11:16

Tel12 · 17/12/2024 11:11

He's his son and is always going to be his son. I suggest that you pull together on this one. He's had a difficult upbringing and wouldn't be living with grandparents if not. Not in any way condoning his behaviour but he's got problems and family is family.

well said, and kindly