Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

I think it is very relevant that he has had to be brought up by his grandparents in because neither parent could or would.
The links between this sort of trauma a d poor mental health/addiction etc are well established.

Why on earth could he not have loved with his dad if his mum couldn't.

Poor bloke

Yes but you’ve failed to see the flip side as myself and PP have pointed out. When he told his father he wasn’t keen on moving to a new house with people he barely knew his DF did not prioritise him or his needs/emotions. His DF left him behind to focus on the new family. You can call this the DS choice all you like, but he also has every right to feel abandoned by DF.

An “open house policy”? Wow, that’s very good of their literal father to allow his children to visit his home!

I think your husband has a bit of a cheek attempting to discipline his son, who lives with his grandparents rather than his parents, in his own home. Especially since he didn’t bother to raise them himself.

The grandparents are the de facto parents and should be disciplining him. Your husband sounds like a totally shit dad. As does their mum.

I feel sorry for the two of them having to live with their grandparents because their own parents can’t sort their shit out. Especially since the dad has moved on with you and they probably feel that there’s no place for them.

Having read your updates OP, I can see why you find SS disrespectful and all the ongoing issues etc etc. However I think to ban him from Christmas is very unkind and just going to cause a bigger family rift. You say you feel awful about how SS treats your IL's but think of the position you're putting them in if you don't invite SS for Christmas, you'll be causing them as much upset as he does.

If it was your ds op would you regard him as a druggie if he was a regular weed user? Would you want him around you /dc?
He must stink for one...

But it's not up to OP to tell the Grandparents that. If OP and her DH come in, telling the Grandparents what to do they will likely think 'who are you to give advice on parenting, the ones who messed the poor kid up'. The lad needs his Dad to work with him to help resolve the issues. That is our job as parents, to help raise functioning adults and when we don't put in the work with teens, we have to work harder when they're older to get them to the right place

Grandparents need to tell him that if he smokes on house or speaks to grandma in that way again he has to leave

What’s going to happen to the man when his grandparents die? @Lifelessonsnotlearnt wont have him life at her house and be abused? Surely at 26 years of age he needs to learn right from wrong? All those blaming his parents are missing the point, he might of had a shit childhood but he’s got to take responsibility of himself, the world isn’t going to give him a free pass because he’s got hurty feelings. He is not 8 years old now, he’s bloody 26!

@Lifelessonsnotlearnt not your circus, not your monkeys.

SS has been enabled by the lot of them. He acts like a dick because they all allow him to. He never faces any consequences.

This isn't about you. If the in laws and DH are happy to live with SS and his arseholery, then let them. All you need to focus on is how you are treated in your own home. YOU do not need to enable anything and YOU can kick him out if he crosses any boundaries inside your own home. Otherwise, let them all get on with it. Stop being so emotionally invested in what a 26 year old brat does and says.

The thing is that when this kind of stuff happens with teens it does impact them and often for a very long time, sometimes for life.

It sounds like his sister was too young to really understand what was going on. At 11 he will have had a decent understanding that his parents were breaking up (and what that would mean). He will have had a good understanding of his father's stroke - in particular that it might have killed him and that he was at risk of another one.

And he will have had a good understanding of the financial reasons for the loss of the family home and moving in with the grandparents.

Any one of those would have been difficult for a teen and expected to cause issues; all three together is virtually guaranteed to give you a teen with mental health problems.

Some teens respond to these sort of stresses by "acting in" - self harming or developing an eating disorder. It sounds like he responded as many boys do by "acting out".

It also sounds like he did not feel at home or wanted anywhere if he was moving between mum and dads/grandparents frequently.

The final confirmation that he was not wanted by either parent will have been when his dad chose to move in with you rather than make sure that his son was properly launched into adult life.

I feel very very sorry for him.

Your husband is reaping what he sowed I'm afraid.

Years ago I remember listening to a conversation between my grandmother and great grandmother, she was saying she had to drown a litter of puppies her dog had had many years before . I was horrified and told her how utterly cruel she was and she told me bluntly that in them days you couldn’t afford to go to the vets to get dogs spayed, nor feed a dog who had had puppies. It was the norm to work day and night and still not have enough food for your children and dogs would roam free to scavenge food. Children left education early to work and bring in money else they would be expelled from the home because everyone had to pay their way in those grim, hard times.

My point is that even though them days are long gone, a 26 year old man has a responsibility in finding a full time job, to pay towards his keep, his nan is more than willing to pay for driving lessons so he has more chance of finding a full time job as it enables him to work further afield but he can’t be bothered.
His childhood being shit doesn’t give him the right to abuse his grandparents who are in their 80’s, who have given him stability in his life, nor to blatantly smoke weed in the house, after being repeatedly told not to, knowing full well his grandad has COPD and it could kill him.
He is a man not a child!

Well if he wasn’t with the pils that he’s horrible to where would he be? On the street, in prison?
How much stress and angst would that cause in the family?

I would let him come - most won’t be as affected as you will be and oerhaps arrange counselling for DSS and DH after xmas

Never forget that suicide rates in young men are so fucking desperately high. Absolutely no compassion for his obviously low MH.

His DGP clearly see him struggling and clearly aren’t looking for a “break” from him on Christmas Day. They aren’t asking anyone to be offended on their behalf, they’re asking to spend Christmas all together.

Why is he self medicating with weed. Start there and unpack.
ps no to driving lessons whilst addicted he’ll lose the license very quickly

100% agree but unfortunately I don’t think OP can see it this way.

i would urge you to take a massive step back and at least try, OP. DH was single for 5 years, living with IL. That became SS home. Safety net, after witnessing a difficult divorce. DH chose to leave home to start a new one, with Bella new family. Of course SS wasn’t keen to uproot himself and move into uncertainty with new people he barely knew. As soon as he said he wouldn’t go with DH said “that’s fine, stay. I will leave without you.” and leave he did. Regardless of if that was right or wrong, fair or unfair, in YOUR relationship with DH; to the young man in this situation it would absolutely feel like an abandonment.

I agree. It sounds as if his life has been a complete clusterfuck since he was 11, throughout his most difficult years, and the entirely predictable result is that he’s a mess. Unbelievable that some people’s response is that “he’s an adult now and should man up”. 🙄

I find myself feeling sorry for this young man. Crying after an argument with a parent is not usual for a 26 year old man. He’s clearly struggling with life and I wonder why, what went before?

This is so true, I do feel SS needs professional help to talk through his feelings, but he won't initiate it and it has to come from him as he's an adult. H has had many heart to hearts with SS which didn't involve shouting and swearing and the past has also been discussed many times. They have shared many interests, fishing, football, golf and it lasts a short time, before SS disengages and so the cycle starts again....

He won't initiate it because it will feel like his family are saying there's something wrong with him. Remember he's been abandoned and internally believes that he's of no worth.

The only way it will work is if your DH takes accountability for his son's experience. He should suggest they go to family therapy together to talk over things and so your husband can make amends and try to undo some of the damage that was caused to DSS's thinking, and fully understand his perspective, whilst also coming to terms with a tumultuous time for himself as well. He should commit to doing this together with DSS, at a ringfence time, and paying for it, and also resume a chosen activity such as fishing / football where they can just spend unpressured time together.

So your partner chose you over his son. That explains EVERYTHING!

No wonder he doesn’t like you or want to be in the house which is “the scene of the crime” so to speak. He’s projecting blame onto his dad, you and your house for being abandoned as a teenager.

His Dad has possibly done irreparable damage to their relationship and to his son’s life. I’ll double down on my earlier post and say uninviting DS will not be helpful.

I still say disengage, there is nothing you can change only your response.