Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

Just suck it up for one day, he’s not staying overnight and tell him he is welcome but no smoking weed. So he will probably only stay 2 hours max before he has to slope off for a smoke. Everyone’s a winner! He gets dinner and you look like the bigger person.

He sounds very emotionally immature OP and still requires support (not everyone's emotional growth is the same) This delayed growth development wether you like it or not is partly your husbands fault he perhaps hasn't handled his son's situation well or he would actually be a well rounded young man if he'd done his parenting job correctly. However, your dislike/maybe even resentment of how "you" perceive he should be acting doesn't show you in a very nice light either, maybe stop pointing the finger at others and really dig deep and address your issues that you clearly have with this young man, a bit of empathy would not go amiss- work with him instead of against him - he needs the right kind of guidance not your scorn and judgement. Not inviting him on Christmas is just vindictive btw - i know you probably feel you've both done everything you can (snd i can see you both have worked hard to set him on the right path, you probably feel at the end of your tether with the ungrateful wee sh!te) but that's part of being a parent you don't give up because their hard work, ungrateful, immature, a pain in the ass etc He is all these things but also a young man probably confused, hurting, sad, lonely not knowing how to express his emotions- he needs help maybe counselling- what he doesn't need is further exclusion by a step-mother

Yes maybe if the dad had been more hands on and not left the upbringing of his children to the grandparents things wouldn't be so bad.

I feel you’re deliberately missing the point that has been explained by several people numerous times now. Regardless of what support was offered to him he was still left behind. His father chose to no longer live with him because he had a better offer. That is 100% going to hurt and traumatise an already troubled, traumatised child.

As a number of us have said, if our DC were upset at the idea of moving into a new family dynamic and suggested they stay behind, we would all choose to stay behind with them and continue our relationships without living together. Because children come first and they need to know they will be chosen. They will not be abandoned or left behind. Your DH did not do this. Regardless of how much he checked in he demonstrated to his son that he was happy to move on and leave him behind.

Regardless he is his son, he is comìng with the in laws. He should be made to feel welcome. Hopefully, this will be the olive branch everyone needs for a restart. Show him how functioning families operate bu actions

“Almost” 18. Still a child, still a teenager. His father chose the new happy life rather than waiting a little while, focusing on his parental duties and making sure his son was actually alright, settled, and ready/able to move through to his next stage of life.

You said he wasn’t turning up to college, so by your admission he very much did need guidance at this stage of his life. It was not the time to make huge life changes and leave him behind. Your DH prioritised his own happiness over his existing, troubled DC and this has left the lad stunted at the same stage of life as when his father left.

How did he come to be living at his grandparents in the first place ?

Have I got the timeline and ages right with this?

So when the children were 11 and 7 their parents split up. They then spent 50/50 with each parent for 7 years until they were 18 and 12. During this time when they stayed with their father for 50% of the time, their grandparents were also there as their father was recovering from a stroke.

Then when they were 18 and 12 their dad moved in with OP. Daughter continued to be 50/50 mum and dad (plus OP) and son lived with grandparents as he was 18.

So I don’t see how dad abandoned him at all???

Why has son not done normal 18 year old things like get a job or go to uni? He’s had 8 further years, he’s still living with the grandparents, why?

They need to tell him to move out as he’s clearly not progressing as he should be in life. It’s one thing to be still living with parents/family due to housing prices, but that doesn’t seem to be what he’s doing, he appears to be abusing everyone and rotting.

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind, and telling him to move out would be a kindness to everyone really, especially him.

Credit where credit is due. There are many people on here who won't take a point!!

I think that the best thing for his mental health and thus prospects and your and DHs relationship with him, is to continue to show the unconditional love that he may not have felt when he was younger. (It might not be that his DH didn't love him, but living with dad was conditional on moving into your home with your family and his mum genuinely did abandon him).

He's obviously not in a good place but is trying and I think the your love and support will be key.

I completely agree. It's the utter lack of accountability.
I say that as a step parent in a blended family btw, not someone who will always look to find fault with step families.

I was with my OP for 3 years and he was a regular part of family life long before we moved in. Even then the kids found it very hard and there are things we got wrong along the way which we have gone to great efforts to fix (e.g. our respective youngest DC got along famously so we set them up in a shared room which went horribly wrong, it was just too much for them to share the space all the time. We immediately started saving to split rooms so they all had their own all room 6 months later, they both found this a very hard period).

The OP is using language to distance her and DH from any mistakes with 'mistakes were made' rather than 'we made mistakes'.
She is also expecting understanding for the mistakes that she and DH made when they were presumably older than DSS is right now.

If my children or step children had struggled so much with the prospect of us moving in together we would have put in on hold indefinitely, not packed them off to live with grandparents. We could obviously still have had a relationship, just living separately, as we had for the previous 3 years.

Also from what you have said your DH JM was living with his parents and moved in with you, presumably into your home. When DSS wasn't comfortable to come too, he left him behind. It's utterly shitty behaviour and will definitely be impacting on him now. Heaven forbid he actually set up a home for him and his son to settle in after all that had happened.

I also think OP is being very harsh on him. There was a row which got heated and both DH and DSS used language and aggression that does not sound typical of them. If this is not a regular occurrence it sounds like you are waiting for an excuse to jump on DSS.

Sadly OP I think by being married to DH this has become your problem too . Your DH needs to support his parents who are acting in loco parentis . Having your ILs for Christmas ( and SS ) is part of that . By insisting he doesn’t join you will only cause more pain to ILs and DH and probably won’t impact SS at all . Not saying it’s easy .

The “acrimonious split” will have taken its toll, as will dad moving out to be with you.

That said .. this is between DH, his son, and his parents. Some young people act up, it’s just part of becoming an adult. His relationship with his grandparents might be fine 99% of the time, they have not asked him to leave, so I don’t thing you need to be angry on their behalf.

Your DH has every right to ask his parents and son over, on Christmas Day. Nobody needs you getting insulted or offended on other peoples behalf. Don’t have your DH choose between you, and his children.

It’s interesting you’re saying your DH is being “bashed for his sons behaviour” instead of that he is being fairly criticised for leaving his teenage son behind to be happy with his new family.

Exactly this.

I can tell you right now OP that if my DC were uncomfortable with a move, new family and new step father I would be telling my DP that we can continue living separately until such times as they are comfortable. One year together before moving in isn’t actually that long either, not with a blended family and SC on both sides. You could very easily have continued your relationship without pressuring the situation or having your DH leave his son behind.

Like it or not, this has very obviously had an impact on your SS and opening yourself to understand that is going to be your first step in helping him. If you really listen to those giving you this insight, rather than get defensive, you’ll find the empathy for him we have.

What would you think of a mother who left her child to be raised by grandparents so she could move in with a new partner?

Of course you don't have to stay single but you have to ensure that your children's needs are met first.

What would you have done if your children had 'refused' to live with you when you moved in with DH? would you have shipped them off to your parents?

Those questions aren’t for me to answer I have simply suggested you open yourself to his feelings on the matter, rightly or wrongly. Fair or unfair to your relationship with DH.

Answer this, how old was SS when DH moved to live with you? Because the implication would be around 16/17? Divorce at 11, 5 years single, 1 year relationship pre-living together. It’s still a very pivotal time in a young man’s life. Understanding everything he went through do you think it could also have been fair to say your DH might have deferred moving in with you for say, 1 one more year to focus on his DC and try and set them up right before moving on to his own happiness?

I have read them, and I don’t think it changes anything. Neither of his parents parent him, and they haven’t done for a long time. They can’t now start interfering in his life with his grandparents. i think the weed smoking is a symptom of the wider problem. He has been really really let down by his parents.

I know you say your husband had a stroke etc, but why didn’t his kids move in with the two of you the second it was possible? He hasn’t been a parent in the interim, that’s why. You say they share hobbies before your step son disengages - I mean, any wonder??? He’s waiting for his dad to abandon him again.

You not wanting him for Christmas is the least of the issues here. Be honest, neither of you want him 365! And you all know it!