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Original poster

Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

187 replies

Lifelessonsnotlearnt · 17/12/2024 09:27

Apologies for the long story but there is background context to add...

My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs married for 7. We each have kids from previous marriages, husband has (M26) and (F20). I get on really well with my SD, however SS tolerates me and is civil, but there is no real relationship there.

Rewind to a few months ago. SD and SS both live with husbands elderly parents (in their 80's). MIL is the loveliest person you could ever hope to meet and will do anything for anyone. SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one). SS has for the most part since turning adult has been in and out of work. There have been various 'interventions' with my husband on his lack of job, grumpy and rude attitide around the house, and not contributing to the house financially or physically, not to mention the smoking of weed in his bedroom! (FIL has COPD amongst other health issues). So during yet another 'chat' with SS, husband reiterated again that he needed to get a job, start contributing to the household and be more pleasant with his grandparents...and stop smoking weed in the house. MIL came in after and the conversation turned to her offing to pay for his driving lessons, which had been on the table since be was 17 and he hadn't taken her up on it, He took some sort of offence to this and he told her she was acting like C which obviously incited my husband and all h broke lose. Husband and SS were shouting and swearing at each other then SS stomped off to his bedroom crying.

SS didn't speak to husband for a few weeks and was cordial with inlaws. Afew weeks later he got a job, but continues to smoke weed in the house! (small changes?!).

Since then I haven't really visited MIL at her home as I'm still enraged at how he spoke to her and how he has treated her over the years, and the fact that he STILL smokes weed. Had that been one of my adult chidren they would have been shown the door! I just don't want to be in the same space as him, and have informed my husband so.

Fast forward to 10 days ago, my husband picked me up from work and informed me that inlaws and SS were coming for Chrismas dinner. Bearing in mind we had always had an 'open house' invitation, but they had never come. SS has only visited his father at out home once or twice and refuses to come when invited. He's had Christams invitattions previously, has said he's coming and just doesn't.

We have argued none stop since, I don't want him to come, husband says 'what am I supposed to do, he's my son'. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I have to spend the day in his company knowing what he's treating my inlaws. I feel there will be an awkwardness that veveryone will pick up on and it will ruin everyones day.

Am I being unreasonable, as husband says I am?

OP posts:
awaynboilyurheid · 21/12/2024 07:35

trapforsanta · 17/12/2024 12:41

The fact that his behaviour is worse than his sisters is not surprising if you look at the timeline. His mum left when he was 11. This is such a critical crucial age and he was likely more impacted than his younger her sister who was still in the throes of the magical thinking of childhood. At 11 your identity as an adult in this world is being rapidly shaped, and you have all the sudden insecurities of puberty, and at that moment his parents left him - his dad sort of left him too (by moving in with GP's and with his health issue - not your DH's fault but would have felt like abandonment to the son).

I would say he is in need of counselling. Has he had any? He sounds deeply deeply unhappy and depressed. The weed won't be helping long term but of course it will be numbing his pain.

It's so hard for anyone, girls and boys in different ways but for young men they often feel the pain can't be expressed and they fear appearing weak. So it gets internalised and comes out in angry bursts and avoidant behaviour. He is simply protecting himself and he doesn't know any other way.

I think the only way things will truly recover is if your husband tries to have some proper decent open and honest conversations with his DS, about the past, about what the DS went through and acknowledges his pain. I don't know how good your DH is with honest heartfelt communication but that is what required. And a lot of love (including boundaries but mainly involving investing time and interest) from him as well. Is there a hobby or regular activity they can do together to start the ball rolling?

Think this is all the op needs to read.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:31

TENSsion · 21/12/2024 07:30

It sounds like he had a very traumatic adolescence and will undoubtedly have abandonment issues and this been compounded by a dad who seems to get very angry. He is a product of his upbringing but this is being ignored. He needs help. Not further isolation. If you ban him from Christmas, you are only solidifying his feelings and compounding the issue.

Once more, where has he been abandoned ?

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:31

hazelnutvanillalatte · 21/12/2024 07:10

Agree with this. Many people can't 'grow up' if they are still struggling with unresolved abuse/neglect/trauma. There is a lot more to this story guaranteed.

Show quote history

But his father was present when DS was a teen - right up to adulthood at 18. Where is the neglect ?

TENSsion · 21/12/2024 07:30

It sounds like he had a very traumatic adolescence and will undoubtedly have abandonment issues and this been compounded by a dad who seems to get very angry. He is a product of his upbringing but this is being ignored. He needs help. Not further isolation. If you ban him from Christmas, you are only solidifying his feelings and compounding the issue.

Maray1967 · 21/12/2024 07:30

CatWolf · 17/12/2024 09:42

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I have a relative like this and he royally pisses me off with his behaviour. But I do still think he should be allowed round at Christmas, as long as he behaves himself while there. Have an agreement with your DH that if he kicks off and is rude, then that’s it. No more Christmas with him unless he seriously grows up.

This. Out he goes if he swears at anyone or smokes weed. I would kick anyone out of my house who sloped off upstairs or went into the garden to smoke weed. DH needs to communicate that clearly.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:27

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 17/12/2024 16:11

Have I got the timeline and ages right with this?

So when the children were 11 and 7 their parents split up. They then spent 50/50 with each parent for 7 years until they were 18 and 12. During this time when they stayed with their father for 50% of the time, their grandparents were also there as their father was recovering from a stroke.

Then when they were 18 and 12 their dad moved in with OP. Daughter continued to be 50/50 mum and dad (plus OP) and son lived with grandparents as he was 18.

So I don’t see how dad abandoned him at all???

Why has son not done normal 18 year old things like get a job or go to uni? He’s had 8 further years, he’s still living with the grandparents, why?

They need to tell him to move out as he’s clearly not progressing as he should be in life. It’s one thing to be still living with parents/family due to housing prices, but that doesn’t seem to be what he’s doing, he appears to be abusing everyone and rotting.

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind, and telling him to move out would be a kindness to everyone really, especially him.

Edited

I read it as 18 and 14 but that aside l completely agree. So many posters not reading the detail or the updates and assuming DH ‘abandoned’ his kids. He did 50/50 with ex for his DD and DS lived with him and grandparents. At 18 he was an adult and old enough to make up his own mind about where he wanted to stay and also old enough to take responsibility for himself and get a proper job or go to uni. Wondering why so many people are blaming OP for that.

TammyJones · 21/12/2024 07:21

Edingril · 17/12/2024 09:32

It is his son you know that so yes no matter the other replies will say you are being very unreasonable

This I'm afraid
And this is where (for one day ) you have be the bigger person.
He may not come and then if you does , stay a short time.
I do feel a bit sorry for him.
Parents divorce and he lives with grandparents
In and out jobs.
Dad made him cry ...
Sounds tough.
My eldest ss livid with other for almost 4 years after he became homeless (was on the streets a few nights till we found out)
But he pulled it around.
Try to stay positive.

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2024 07:19

Finding it very hard to fathom he is 26yo. The behaviour you describe is that of a teenager. Is there something greater amiss with him?

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 21/12/2024 07:13

He is a 26 year old man…not a child! He needs thrown in the bin 🙄

IL’s need to get him out the house! He needs to learn basic manners and respect. I understand how you feel with him coming to the house at Christmas but at the end of the day it’s his son. I do not like all my H family but tolerate them for his sake 😂

hazelnutvanillalatte · 21/12/2024 07:10

MissDoubleU · 17/12/2024 11:01

Oh, come on. Smoking a bit of weed does not make him a junkie.

Maybe if his father was present more as a teen he wouldn’t be struggling so much as a young man. Unless there’s a huge drip feed happening it’s high time DF made his son a priority.

Show quote history

Agree with this. Many people can't 'grow up' if they are still struggling with unresolved abuse/neglect/trauma. There is a lot more to this story guaranteed.

Zanatdy · 21/12/2024 07:02

He doesn’t sound very pleasant at all, but agree with your husband, he is his son and it’s christmas. Would you like him to say your child isn’t to come over for christmas?

Pherian · 21/12/2024 07:02

You are being unreasonable. That is your husband's son and it’s your step son. You need to build a relationship with him and then perhaps you will have more influence in his life.

crockofshite · 21/12/2024 06:43

If SS has form for not turning up perhaps he won't this time either. Or if he does he won't stay long.

RipleyGreen · 21/12/2024 06:42

I have every sympathy with you OP. I have two adult children in my world (I’m not going to call them step, I’ve had no involvement in their upbringing at all). I came on the scene 10 years after their parents split, the mother was abusive to my husband in every which way. I can’t bear either of them, they’re not good people, and I am so unhappy that I have spend time with them at Christmas and every gathering. It ruins them for me. I suck it up and am endlessly polite and engaged for the sake of everyone else, but I hate it. I secretly fear for you, as what’s the plan when your elderly ILs are no longer able to house him? Yes, he’s an adult, but there’s a failure to launch here. I send solidarity, it’s a very difficult situation when you don’t like their children.

GRex · 21/12/2024 06:29

Family get to come on Christmas day. His crimes of being stroppy and smoking weed don't stop that.

With him getting so upset, I wonder if his family have missed help he needs. It can be easy to say "get a job", but he had emotional issues as a teen, living with an unwell father and retired grandparents, then being left to care for himself at the grandparents at 16. All the excuses around this are pointless, you need to look at the status now and it's clear that he seems to have missed crucial steps in understanding how to get work. At this point, it may help to get right back to the start and go back over every step. What's his CV, is it well written or can he be helped to improve it? Has someone gone over job options with him to work out what he really wants to do, what the CV education or experience gaps are, and how to get there? How can he be helped to get any type of work experience that will bolster the CV? It's all very well to say he ought to contribute, but he's got stuck somewhere in the process and needs practical help at this point.

LAMPS1 · 21/12/2024 06:24

I understand where you are coming from OP.
But I think you have to let the invitation stand.
Something, somewhere along the line, has gone wrong for this young man and he failed to find his way after education. At least he does have a job now and that should be acknowledged as a positive. Something to build on and be proud of.

The fact that he ran crying to his room aged 26, shows he’s also unhappy with his situation, probably with himself and being a disappointment to everybody.

There might just be a chance he’s trying hard to turn his life around a bit. For that reason alone, I would give him a chance, a warm smile to let him know he is welcome. -If he even manages to be brave enough to turn up that is.
Plan for a lovely day for your in laws. They deserve every consideration and I’m sure they are desperately hoping for a break in the pattern of their lives if only their son and you and grandson could bond for a day without rancour. They have more than done their duty. Do it for them.

RacingThoughts111 · 21/12/2024 06:17

Dont get anymore involved in it. If your partner and his parents are enabling SS to behave the way he does, why get so angry on their behalf about it?

You'll just end up being the bad guy, I'd just stay out of it

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2024 06:07

I feel quite sorry for your dss. Your dh has quite a lot of making up to do. Else he will perhaps start a family himself and create the next generation of damaged children.

Petrasings · 21/12/2024 05:51

My heart goes out to the ss, he sounds very damaged, hurt and lost to me. Your husband should never be losing his temper like that - a stroke does not cause a loss of temper op! The way to engage with his son is not to shout and swear and make him cry, but to take him out for a drink or some lunch and talk through calmly what the issues are. How is feeling. What is holding him back. It might be that he is doing much more care for me his gps than you realise. Or he is struggling in another way.

Yes he might very well need some professional help, thanks to the terrible job his parents have done ruining his childhood.

I feel very very sorry for this young man, both children actually. It doesn’t sound like the parenting has been remotely adequate.

And your answer to all of this op is to pour petrol on the situation and ban him from even spending Christmas with the family?! What a heartless and cruel thing to suggest. As if he hasn’t been through enough. Why don’t you welcome him with open arms, treat him with some love and respect, make him feel cared for and wanted you might be amazed at the difference. Even if there is no difference at all - you have been the adult, and the bigger person which is desperately required here.

Your ss needs lots of support and care. I hope he can work through his childhood trauma and feelings of abandonment. ‘Moving on’ is very challenging for anyone without significant support.

user1492757084 · 21/12/2024 05:42

Op, the inlaws and SS have been tolerating each other since the blow up.
Christmas day is not a time to reignite the issues.

Keep the invitation open and be as pleasant as you can.
The inlaws deserve to be treated like treasured family; they are so helpful to your DH.
Ask your husband to call a truce and not revisit the issues raised ten days ago during Christmas.
Small steps for SS.

Insist that there will be no smoking of weed at your home though. Just remind SS once and don't make a big deal about it. Trust him to know how to behave.

Make sure the car has fuel and that DH is ready to assist SS straight there if he starts abusive language or behaviour.
Unfortunately that means that there is a small risk that DH will have to miss part of the day while he drives SS home.

LBFseBrom · 21/12/2024 05:22

If he does come to you, and he might not, he isn't going to smoke weed in your house. You say he smokes it in his room at the grandparents's place so not sitting in their company smoking it.

You say he told his grandmother that she was being like C. Who is 'C', is that your initial?

It sounds as though he is a very troubled chap. Most guys of 26 don't want to be living with parents, never mind grandparents, and those that do are saving up for their own place. Obviously he can't do that if not working, what sort of work does he do when he has it, is he trained for anything?

I think you can suck it up for one day. You don't explain why he appears not to be keen on you but if you take against him, it's hardly going to improve matters. It's strange that he never wants to visit you.

Your husband has the right to invite his son, it's his home too.

Noodles1234 · 21/12/2024 05:00

That’s awkward, he probably won’t come.

i wouldn’t want him ther but I understand your DH is torn. If he does come, I think time to have a quick adult chat like you would if your son, explain the house rules in a clear yet jolly non confrontational way, call out any rudeness in front of everyone and have a G&T after!
good luck.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/12/2024 17:09

In your place Op I'd let his son come for Christmas Day but with the proviso that he can't smoke in the house. MN's a bit weird about weed smoking, if someone lit up a cigarette in their house they'd go mad, but weed is OK. If your DSS isn't capable of going without weed then he can go in the garden

Beezknees · 17/12/2024 17:00

MissDoubleU · 17/12/2024 16:16

“Almost” 18. Still a child, still a teenager. His father chose the new happy life rather than waiting a little while, focusing on his parental duties and making sure his son was actually alright, settled, and ready/able to move through to his next stage of life.

You said he wasn’t turning up to college, so by your admission he very much did need guidance at this stage of his life. It was not the time to make huge life changes and leave him behind. Your DH prioritised his own happiness over his existing, troubled DC and this has left the lad stunted at the same stage of life as when his father left.

Show quote history

Yep. Moving in with his partner was more important than getting his son on the straight and narrow seemingly. I'm a single parent and would never dream of doing that.

Ponderingwindow · 17/12/2024 16:59

Your husband moved away from his son at a time when his child needed him most. If your step-son wasn’t ready to move in and blend families, then it was too soon for your husband to move in with you.

your husband needs to do everything he can to restore the relationship with his son and to get his son’s life on track. If that means a Christmas dinner, then let the awkward Christmas festivities commence.

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