Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

Tell them he can come but NOT smoke weed. Not in the house, not in the garden, not on your property.
That should ensure he comes for a bit but is t inclined to hang around.

On one hand he is 26 and as a fully grown adult he has to take responsibility for his life. Where does he see it going? He is old enough to own his mistakes and young enough to start again.

On the other hand he has had a pretty challenging childhood and he obviously doesn’t have the innate skills to rise above it and needs some support. This can either be provided for him or pointed out to him and for him to find his own support which would be much better for him in the long run.

Having over everyone for Xmas dinner is the least you and your husband can do and I think you need to decide how you will help these elderly relatives who have sacrificed so much to help you all out. Neither of you seem to be aware of how much they have done for you.

Finally I appreciate it’s hard out there for young people but the answer isn’t sponging off family and working in some job with no prospects for weed money. It seems to be so common now and it’s such a waste of human potential.

That's not what people do with people they love. They don't just go "oh well, broken, chuck it out", and nor should they (barring actively dangerous people). The DH broke him, he should give support to try to help the boy now; whether that's just help to get a job, counselling, or even an honest apology might help.

Must be more to this story - the poster keeps stressing her concern for the ILs, but it somehow does not ring true. Real concern does not look like 'I don't want to go to their house because he mistreats them'. This is not how you show concern. Obviously, this behaviour is the result of her dh and his ex brining him up, so there is a lot of stuff here which needs working through, but it is too late, dss is a grown man now.

It’s tough love time for your SS. If he can’t abide by his grandparents house rules then he had to leave and make his own way. He’s 26 and not a child.

Your SS's behaviour is not acceptable.

However, his mother left when he was 11 and then shortly after his father had a stroke. There is an awful lot of trauma there for a child who I can imagine felt abandoned by his mother then scared to death his father would die. As his father recovered, he slowly began to relax and then father meets someone else and leaves.

I'm not saying you are to blame OP but your SS is clearly in need of some sort of help and should have had it as a teenager when all the damage was done.

Personally, I would throw him an olive branch and invite him for Christmas day. He'll either not turn up (as others have suggested) or he might get a chance of a proper family Christmas which he may or may not embrace but at least you are both still trying to include him and show that he's always welcome.

Abused children live in the bodies of their adult selves forever. I often grieve for the little versions of me and my brother. It’s especially hard when you have your own children and realise how little you were regarded.

Dating for a year before moving in together is not long at all, in any relationship, nevermind one with children. A lot more time should have been spent building relationships first.
At the most important time in his life, his parents split, his dad suffered a significant illness and he lost his home.
He doesnt appear to have had any support or therapy to help him with this.
Then at 17/18 when he was obviously struggling, not always attending college etc, his dad chooses to move in with a woman his son obviously didnt have the best relationship with.
What was wrong with waiting a few more years to take this step? Waiting until he had at least got through college?
His dad was living with a woman and her children whilst he was struggling. Bearing in mind hed not had this himself.
To those saying his father didnt abandon him as he is an adult. Adults can suffer with abandonment issues too.
The fallout of childhood trauma often comes out in adulthood and it looks to me like he is getting no support at all for it.

But not so awful that he was prepared to do anything about it. Still decided to put himself first and leave his troubled child with his elderly parents so he could go and play happy families with his girlfriend's kids. Just another common or garden variety deadbeat dad.

He is clearly suffering from some sort of childhood trauma whether you think he should be or not. I would get him some counselling to deal with this sooner rather than later, otherwise he’s is just going to go downhill with potentially other drugs and ways of coping.

It’s really not hard to view it from the kid’s perspective if you try.

It’s remarkably easy. My ex was 13 when his mum died, a year later his dad had remarried and a year after that his half sibling was born. The moment he was 16 he was told he was no longer welcome in his home and strongly encouraged to join the army. I met him when he was 22 and the bereaved and betrayed 13 year old was very much still there. It’s shaped his entire life.

First of all it sounds like he might not actually come in the end

second of all, put your feelings aside and think about your poor in laws.

your husband must feel awful that they’ve had his off spring living with them for so many years treating them so awfully

Your husband has a 26 year old son that doesn’t work and that he has somehow managed to dump onto his elderly parents. Your SS should be living with you, not them!!! They’ve had their children. I think having him Xmas day is the least you can do. Poor people, in their 80’s and having to deal with all this that they can’t even enjoy their retirement and their home!!! I think you and your husband are very selfish, he needs to move out of their house asap.
Further to this, your SS is probably suffering from some kind of abandonment issues, parents divorce and he and his sister are sent to grandparents never to live with their parents again, no wonder he acts like this, he probably needs counselling. You need to looking to your husband and his ExW if you want to blame someone for this situation … it’s not about you and whether you feel “comfortable” spending the day with him, you married into this and both need to take some responsibility.

Most of my sympathy is for the elderly grandparents who have been put upon massively by your husband and his children. If his teenage son was not happy to move in with a new family (which is absolutely understandable, having already coped with his parents' acrimonious split and his father's ill health) then his dad should have stayed put and prioritised him. Not ditched him with the grandparents and swanned off with his girlfriend and her kids. Absolutely appalling, selfish behaviour. Your husband needs to accept a lot of responsibility for the way that events have played out.

It's also very hard to understand your position of "I love my ILs and am horrified at how they are being treated, so I'm going to refuse to visit them and just leave them to deal with SS alone". How does that work? More selfishness.

I feel very sorry for your husband's son, having been sidelined and more or less abandoned to his grandparents so his dad could prioritise his love life. People underestimate the impact on boys of having a crap father. I also feel deeply sorry for the grandparents whose twilight years have been completely sacrificed to mopping up your husband's mess and housing and parenting a troubled boy/man because your husband has better things to do.

And yet both now live with their grandparents which suggests neither have strong relationships with either parent. They view their grandparents’ home as their base where they feel most safe.
He went through a horrendous divorce, old enough to understand the reasons. Do you not think it possible that the reason he found it difficult to comply with his mother’s rules was because he was angry at her? Angry at the hypocrisy of her laying down rules while breaking her marriage rules and ruining their family unit?
He then lived with his grandparents who the husband clearly relied on heavily for providing stability for his children. The boy then had to watch his dad have a stroke and suffer the impact of what that causes. I would hazard a guess that this was the main reason he didn’t date for years after rather than as a thoughtful gesture to his children. And then, from the boys perspective, when his dad finally recovered, and he got to glimpse his old dad back, the dad moved out and played happy families with some other kids instead of moving out and creating a stable home for his own children.

It’s really not hard to view it from the kid’s perspective if you try.

It's not about you though is it. You're not his mum, you don't live with him and haven't been the one at the end of his verbal abuse. If his dad and grandparents want him there you can't shun him out at Xmas and need to suck it up.

Maybe in the new year now he's working, it's time for him to become a bit more independent and look for a house share. I'd absolutely not condone anyone smoking cannabis in my house, it will be making the grandparents stink as that smell clings to you.

The crying is upsetting to hear about and young people have a really hard gig these days.
He is 26!! not a child.

Your feelings are understandable but you’ll need to smile and make the best of it. Lots of issues going on but it’s Christmas and your DH is right. Maybe he won’t come!

Not what OP said. OP and DH had 50/50 and DD, still has regular contact with her mum. DS had the choice to move in with them and didn’t want to. He was 18 - an adult. Where’s the abandonment ?

He was 16/17 when they met and "nearly 18," i.e. 17 when dad moved out. We don't know what strain he faced as an 11-12yo when parebrs split, dad had a stroke and he lost his home. We do know he struggled with "mum's rules" at her house and she did not require that he stayed, we don't know if he saw much of her. We do know that college years (16/17) he was striving to get dad's attention by being dropped off by dad and walking out. We also know MIL was doing the parenting role of offering driving lessons at 17. It's clear that the patchwork of support from adults in his teenage years at best could be described as having unstable parenting. It's also clear that he's not moved on in life; no young man of 26 wants to be living with grandparents and having no job; this one burst into tears talking about it. He's struggling and he needs help. Whether someone else might have found the patchwork nature of how he was parented enough isn't relevant, this particular person's needs were not met. Is it too much to allow compassion to try to help him now?

There are many issues between all of you but surely you can be civil for Christmas' Day?

If your DH and his family are happy with to spend Christmas Day together, why are you creating a drama not concerning you? Quit trying to control how your in laws will feel, and open your home to all.

I'm not sure how 'I' messed 'the poor kid' up? Husband and Ex were split up long before I came on the scene.

Your contribution was moving in with his dad a year into knowing him, in the full knowledge that this meant leaving his teenage DS behind with his elderly parents. Quite despicable really.

OP, I completely understand your frustration with your DSS - but you can’t exclude him from Christmas, because it wouldn’t be fair to your DH - our children are always our children, no matter how wayward and difficult - and I suspect it would also upset the blameless ILs. I’m afraid you will just have to suck it up - so don’t argue with DH who is a father and doesn’t want to see his son excluded, and simply treat your SS as you would any other guest. Just be thankful you don’t have to live with your DSS - and do it with a good grace, for the sake of your lovely ILs who have done nothing wrong and have been landed with their DGS.

Looks like you were looking for an excuse to to kick him to the kerb

as much as I despise weed it isn’t quite as simple as just telling someone to stop

When his dad moved out of the family home to live with a woman and her children in their house and he and his sister were left without either parent seemingly.