Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

How did it go, @Lifelessonsnotlearnt ?

Can you muster enough energy to consider this us the answer? Baby steps, maybe, so give him a chance to show it? What's the alternative? He's home alone for Xmas? That won't be forgiven

I would put up with it for the lunch but say to dh that he needs to say to his son be on best behavior as he has upset you maybe.

26 years old and acts like that, he needs a good kick up the arse and needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet and that starts with moving out of his grandparents house.

I recently read that Gen Z only consider themselves adults at 27 years old, what happened, where did we go wrong?

It's a no from me. I'm with you OP. Sounds like your SS is a spoilt arsehole who is being enabled, and not held to account for himself. I'd not want to be around him either.

SPOT ON
This young man is your husband's son!

It’s his son. Suck it up.

I have never done any drugs myself but know many who do marijuana - indeed in some US states it is legal. So I wouldn't call him a junkie but I would make sure he's asked not to do it during the visit. If he can't oblige he's a waste of space

I understand you not WANTING and not liking his behaviour (which is terrible) definitely seeing as he's an adult but married or not its not really any of your business it's just one of life's things your gonna have to suck up, it's your husbands family (his child) more importantly so u can't deny them spending Christmas together of all days! I'm sure we could all tell atleast one story about our spouses family or specific member that annoys,angers etc (in my case all of them id love nothing more than to go no contact) us it's a part of life when two families who've grown separately so inevitably differently come together there's always going to be clashes "pretty that's the clause in for better or worse" vows 🤣 if he's nice on the day great it maybe a turning point for him to actually start appreciating his family more, if he's not make your drinks a double 😉

If he smokes weed, he won't want to leave his bedroom all day, so he probably won't turn up anyway.

I think more of a concern is him living with your in-laws. He has no regard for their rules or poor health.
Christmas Day is just one day. I'd focus on helping the in-laws for the rest of the year.

I think Christmas Day is the least of your worries.

It sounds as lif DH has had discussions with DS about the past and his feelings. Could he approach this again and suggest counselling as a way forward? DS clearly needs some help taking responsibility for himself.

But…. You won’t thank me for this but I think DS needs to move out of the IL’s house next year to protect them.

His poor GM being called that name by her adult grandson. I bet your FIL was furious. I’m amazed it didn’t provoke far worse reactions. Was he at the very least made to apologise? And the drug smoking… your poor FIL. It’s totally unacceptable.

If DS can’t or won’t live with you what are the alternatives? Because that is what DH needs to be working towards - getting him away from poor ILs.

And MIL should stop offering driving lessons to a druggie. If she really feels she wants to spend money on DS after the way he’s behaved then perhaps she cojkd pay for private therapy.

You should go ahead with the SS for Christmas lunch. It's one day. He's your husband's son.

Rubbish. The SS is 26. An adult not a boy. He does not get a get out of jail free card if he cannot adhere to the house rules and call his grandmother vile names. He is displaying unacceptable behaviour for which there should be consequences

YANBU I wouldn’t want him around at any time he sounds awful and he definitely would have been kicked out of the Grandparents by now I think due to the divorce and whatever happened there’s a lot of guilt from the Dad and that’s why his son is the way he is because he knows he can get away with it but he’s an adult and needs a sharp shock by the sounds of it. Unfortunately I think you will have to tolerate him on Christmas Day but if he starts or there’s any issues you ask him to leave immediately and be firm that you are not having your Christmas Day ruined by him and he needs to leave I know this will cause an issue with your husband but your husband needs to realise that you are not going to tolerate his sons behaviour and to be honest your in laws will probably be grateful. Good luck OP

@Lifelessonsnotlearnt
i perceive in some of your responses that you are taking on board some of the advice to try to understand this troubled young man. I hope I have understood this correctly and that you are reviewing your attitude.
Could you find it in your heart to feel empathy and understanding for his behaviour ? Would you even be able to greet him with a genuinely warm smile that could even portray a hint of 'you are welcome here. I get where you're coming from and I understand that you're struggling but we're happy to see you and hope you have a lovely day.'
This might start to change things, even if it takes a few visits to get there.

I understand your frustration with this situation but I would think for everyone involved you might have to let it slide. Your SS behaviours, storming off crying after an angry outburst and the excessive dope smoking is a red flag for poor mental health. You don’t say why he went to live with his grandparents after the divorce but he sounds like he may have a lot of unresolved issues that he might need help dealing with.
If you feel you can be the better person and allow him to come for Christmas and be polite and friendly towards him, you won’t have regrets down the line. It’s one day and if he reacts badly to everyone being pleasant you will see it’s more to do with what’s going on with him and maybe persuade your husband to talk to him about getting some support.

Yes you are. He is your husbands close family. You married into this family. The ss has been this way for years You are quite frankly lucky that he hasn't been round more frequently. You are causing issues for the mil you claim to like so much as clearly they won't come without him. You need to suck it up.

I have read all your messages and can see how complicated the situation is. However, I agree with others who think it would be wrong to exclude him at Christmas - goodwill to all men, etc. Perhaps if you and DH model a healthy family dynamic and establish a more supportive relationship with him, he will become more responsive. If it were me, I would arrange a family conference in the new year - with GPs, mum, dad, you, and DS to discuss the best way forward as it is clear that he needs a bit of a kick up the bum. Now he is working, he should be moving out and making his own life. Such extended childhoods are not healthy. Good luck!

Some are going to hate me for what I am about to write, but I hope OP sees it and it helps a little. I am an ex step parent to a troublesome SD. (Adult of 28 when I met their parent. 40 when I left and they had got worse, not better even with all our support.) ok no 1. I would contact Hourglass the elder abuse help line. Also report to adult social services if they recommend this. 2. Stop enabling SS. (Difficult for the in-laws I know as they love unconditionally.) If SS genuinely has trauma issue he needs to seek help and take responsibility for his own behaviour. This is making everyone unhappy. NB I walked away from my 13yr relationship in the end as I had had enough. I know OP may not do this so husband needs to get tough too. Good luck going forward, but without intervention things are not going to change.

Don’t punish PIL. They need a break and she needs your visits. They should probably throw him out or get him counselling so he’s forced to grow up.

I too have sympathy for the young man. I think you have to stay out of it and lat them forge their own paths.
Calm talking, boundaries but with understanding are needed, preferably with the help of family counselling for dh and ss.

Your SS is a lazy bum, I doubt he will change if that's how he behaves at 26.
Weed smoking affects brain and behaviour too, and if he's a frequent user, his brain is fumigated to an extreme.
Saying that, I feel you should allow your husband to invite his son for a dinner. He is his son, and it's rare enough occurrence.

But he felt abandoned and was crying out for help. Going to school appointments, and official things is the bare minimum of parenting. His attachments are not secure, we was abandoned by both parents in the divorce, with your husband's medical stuff, then again when he was left to move in with you - all understandable logically but emotionally it's done significant harm. And you yourself have admitted to your husbands stroke has impacted his personality, which is another abandonment - the dad he knew gone replaced with someone similar and different.
I get it, he's older now and should get his act together, except he's still that young boy who's inner child needs helping, to feel safe.
Is there a world where because his granddad has COPD he's scared of losing him too and hense can't help but self medicate.

Also, you're getting offended on everyone's behalf, everyone who wants to be together on Christmas. Welcome him, be the adult.
"It's so lovely having you for Christmas, welcome! Quick thing our house rules, no smoking so you'll have to go outside. Let's have a lovely Christmas all together!"

I’d be embarrassed to be sponging off my grandparents at that age, and he probably is!
He need to move out.
Go and get a room somewhere- his life is too cushy. I lived in some dumps in my younger years, had little money, but worked, sometimes in really loot
paid jobs. But was independent.
Thats what he needs.

Whatever happened in the past, who SS lived with and why can’t be changed. The fact is SS is 26 and behaving like an arsehole. He’s being abusive to two elderly people who will increasingly be unable to stand up for themselves.
For now, I’d just get through Christmas. SS might turn up, he might not. Fake it til you make it will be the rule while he’s there. Tell yourself you’re giving ILs a nice day that they deserve.
Then you have to disengage from him, not your problem. Maybe take ILs out for coffee/lunch/ tea occasionally or invite them to yours for same.
Christmas Day is grin and bear it day though.