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Original poster

DH gaslighting me . How to deal with it!

37 replies

MarciaMarcia · 16/12/2024 21:28

I found a profile of DH on a dating website . I confronted him . He said he knew nothing about it..Now he is saying he may have done when intoxicated as he has an alcohol problem. When I confront him, he gets so angry, saying I'm abusing him but just having a go aat him. Just now I co fronted him.aboyt it and he starts yelling at me then says he can't take it any more he's ABIT to hand z panic attack. He had mental health issues but I just can't take thos behaviours sand gaslighting. My stress is through the roof. He says I kick him down emotionally every day - that's cause he dies shit things every day. He is late, misses things, is on his phone, turns up drunk. I just am at a loss .
Please don't say leave. It's more complex than that.
I want him to seek help but he only dies on.and off

OP posts:
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RampantIvy · 17/12/2024 22:48

MarciaMarcia · 17/12/2024 22:35

Bitoutofpractive - not sperated

We live separately as he moved out as he has an alcohol problem and he was angry and wanted to drink in peace

You might as well be separated. If he is the children's father and comes every day to look after them then just accept that as help from him but don't have expectations of him as a partner, because he isn't.

Tittat50 · 17/12/2024 22:43

I understand this situation is messy and you can't just LTB.

I believe you that he's gaslighting you. The reason everyone gets their knickers in a twist over ' gaslighting ' ' narcissism' is because it's used alot. And you know why? Because there are so god damn many of them, messed up like this guy.

If he's denying your reality, putting it on you, blaming you for things, taking no responsibility and making you question everything then he's ticking quite alot of boxes. Whatever he is, he's highly abusive.

You have to understand and accept in your mind - this person is NOT changing. You will become a shell of a human if you don't accept this.

Dr Ramani on YouTube is a legend. She has loads of videos that will probably really help you understand. She has a video on ' when you can't leave the narcissist '. She advises how to communicate and where to put yourself mentally. This is very difficult because you have to grieve the loss of the human you thought they were whilst still being stuck with him.

This will be a long game. You can't manage alone with the kids. I completely relate. I understand that you sometimes have no good options available. It's best to try plan a way to be independent of him because he's going to make you sicker.

Delete your search and watch history on YouTube but when alone have a watch re Dr Ramani

Renamed · 17/12/2024 22:41

But he is a huge drain on your energy? Nothing you have written sounds like he brings anything positive to your life. If you had to use paper plates fora bit because he wasn’t there to wash any dishes, how would that feel overall? More stressful?Or less?

ForeverPombear · 17/12/2024 22:37

I think you're being a bit harsh about the whole AirBnb thing, he's got himself a place which is good. It's not very easy to rent places right now, where I am there are so many people looking for places to rent but there's nowhere.

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/12/2024 22:36

Matilda yes good thoughts. I do sometimes ask him.to leave. Problem is sometimes he masks the fact he had been drinking and it's hard to tell immediately until something small triggers him to go crazy

OP posts:
Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/12/2024 22:35

Bitoutofpractive - not sperated

We live separately as he moved out as he has an alcohol problem and he was angry and wanted to drink in peace

OP posts:
Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/12/2024 22:34

How do I get him to look after his children outside my house . He doesn't have a house. He is excited about his Airbnb as it's in a loft and he has his own space . I was just behind words when he told me - I was like you are so pathetic you are how old and you are pleased with yourself about this?
We can't talk about anything. Anything. He won't talk finance or what is happening for holidays. Nothing. I just feel ro so stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/12/2024 22:31

Gretchen - he isn't cheating. I know this. But he has had the thought of going on a dating website. That's bad enough. I can see there are no messages etc on it.

Matilda I don't even think he could see someone. He is at this house every night so I know he is not. He has too much a drinking issue to even be able to do this. And feel down I know he isnt this person .he's just in a very bad place mentally. Which I'd be a level support with if he wanted help and if he wasn't hurting me so badly.

What would I say to Woman's Aid exactly? I know it's about DA but what ? One thing I despise is that if I have an argument with him during the day, he refuses o come and help in the evening. So it's a lose lose for me.

There is no childcare arrangements. He can't have them as he loved a chat they didn't want to go to as it was too far away and now he is living in an Airbnb ( pathetic ) so they can't go there. So it's my house or nothing. I'm too unwell to be out of the house all the time so I just gave to have him come and help me and do things like dishes as I can't. Otherwise he literally would be doing nothing for them . None of the domestic stuff that is. I have condition which means I really can't do much domestic but apart from.a few dishes he does nothing. Nothing. I do every morning before school ll evenings. He comes for two hours a day fbd thinks he does so much.

He is just so angry all the time. He almost had a panic attack last night as I dared ask about these dating sites. He walked out as he couldn't cope with being accosted ( yeah he couldn't cope) and I said no you have to stay and help and he literally got up on my face and pointed at me - don't say another word to me.

I don't know what to do.

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GretchenWienersHair · 17/12/2024 13:45

He doesn’t live with you, he cheats on you and emotionally abuses you. Breaking up with him shouldn’t have to mean that the childcare arrangements change; they’re still his children.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2024 13:42

Are you separated op?

he sounds horrible.

MatildaTheCat · 17/12/2024 13:39

In all honesty do you even care if he’s on a dating website? Pity anyone who starts seeing him. He sounds utterly pathetic and awful.

If you can’t yet fully remove him from your life then try to stop giving him headspace and concentrate on your own needs and those of your DC. When he’s in your house can you go into another room and communicate as little as possible? Can you refuse him entry if he has been drinking?

I also encourage you to call Women’s Aid for advice.

vincettenoir · 17/12/2024 13:32

Why does he live in a flatshare and not with you?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 17/12/2024 13:27

He’s lying, certainly, but he’s not gaslighting you.

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/12/2024 13:23

The only problem is that he can't have the children at his place so it would mean no help. I cannot do it all with chronic fatigue so I'm stuck

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 17/12/2024 11:01

This isn't exactly 'gaslighting' but it's certainly messing with your head to claim that he's not responsible for what he does when he's drunk and that you have no right to be angry with him.
He sounds in a bad way but also very difficult, perhaps impossible, to help at the moment. Can you think about how to arrange things so that he's not constantly in your home with you during the day?

DaisyChain505 · 17/12/2024 10:09

Ring women’s aid or any other charity and get some help.

you’re not even in a relationship with this man and he doesn’t live with you yet you’re still putting up with this shit.

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/12/2024 09:54

Thanks for all your messages. I agree with what you're saying. I've just so normalised this horrible behaviour. I just don't know what's normal anymore. I feel very stuck.
I have a chronic illness which means I cannot work at the moment and I also can't always look after the children. He actually lives elsewhere but recently lost his flat so is now airbnbing in a share house situation so the children can't go to his so he comes here daily to help parent. So I never get a break really as I'm in the house. I don't know what to do.
He is gaslighting as he is making me think he didn't do this saying website at all,.
I'm not emotionally unkind to him I just hold him to account. I'm completely lost.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 16/12/2024 23:05

It’s hard to hear someone moan so badly about someone and say they’re miserable and being treated badly yet in the same sentence say “don’t suggest I leave him.”

you lived a life before this person. You weren’t born with him attached to you. Get some strength and dignity and start your happier, healthier life without him in it again.

healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 23:01

The problem is that you describe someone who's absolutely awful and then say that you don't want to leave him. I don't know what we can say. It's obvious he isn't going to change just because you want him to. He's looking for other women! He's gaslighting you and making you think your own thoughts are wrong. Those are not small matters.

steff13 · 16/12/2024 22:43

He sounds awful, but you say you "kick him down emotionally" every day, which is not easy to live with either. If you can't/won't leave him, you're going to have to either choose to continue to live this way or choose not to react to him.

FoxtonFoxton · 16/12/2024 22:37

If you can't or won't leave, then you have to put up with his bullshit unfortunately. It's not going to improve because he "wins" everytime you argue, clearly. He will probably get worse in all reality, because he can.

BMW6 · 16/12/2024 22:21

OK, don't leave him. Good luck with it all.

Endofyear · 16/12/2024 22:18

OP if you don't want to be advised to leave, what do you want? You can't change his behaviour - you can only change how you respond to it. He's quite clearly prepared to cheat on you by making a profile on a dating website. If you're prepared to put up with that (and his other unpleasant behaviour) then there's not really any advise that can help you. This relationship is toxic. Is that what you want?

Lavender14 · 16/12/2024 22:13

"Please don't say leave. It's more complex than that."

Can you explain for us what about it is making it difficult for you to leave?

I think op the really difficult (and probably most painful part to recognise) in all this is when you say "I want him to seek help but he only does on and off" - that's because this suits him. It's in his interests to continue gaslighting you and treating you badly because it means he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and it's your problem to fix. You are the one who has to put the work into the relationship while he can sit back and suit himself. He is only doing it on and off because he doesn't want to do it at all because this arrangement meets all of his needs and he doesn't really care if yours are met because he's actually profoundly selfish. So just because you really want and need him to work on himself means nothing and this will only ever get worse. He only steps up enough to keep you in the cycle of abuse that you're currently in. (I recommend you look up the cycle of abuse because it may resonate with you.)

Leaving is extremely difficult and when someone uses the excuse of mental health (ill kill myself/drink myself into oblivion if you left me type of thing) it gets even harder. But op this is your one life and this guy will only bring you pain.

Maybe you start by leaving and supporting him only as a friend while living your own life. There was a post on here a while ago by a guy who's wife had been doing similar but was at the stage of alcohol induced dementia and he was trapped caring for her and felt he had no option to leave any more. Please don't let it get to that stage. Alcohol and mental health are not excuses for abuse which is what this is.

xTheLoudLeaderx · 16/12/2024 22:07

Some many threads about partners on dating sites it’s scary !

The fact he can’t remember is worrying, you need to respect yourself and decide that you deserve better than this. Take the facts, don’t look for explanations. This is not a relationship.