To think she could have sat in a normal chair?

Of course they learn to sit in normal chairs. OP said the 3 year old was sitting in a normal chair to color, for example, and she likely sits in a variety of normal chairs when they're out at other places besides home.

I'm not really sure what your point is or why you tagged me specifically.

For all the people in disbelief that a child aged 3 could fit, my 6 year old recently proved she could still fit in an IKEA high chair (got it out for a visitor) and could certainly still easily fit in those wooden ones you get in restaurants at age 5. Of course, when she was a toddler she completely refused to sit in one!

This. Of course you accommodate.your guests.. that's just what you do..your friend is being odd..

She might not have objected if you asked yet offering didn't occur to her.

But the other thing to consider is how much of a struggle one-off exceptions can cause at that age. Being able to tell a 3 year old "at home you eat in your chair always" can save a lot of drama. The things you mention loaning all sound like spares or things your DC had grown out of.

@GravyBoatWars why is it an issue for a child to sit in a normal chair? Surely children should learn how to sit in chairs...?

Is it really that difficult to feed your child in your lap or in the car seat? Is it is really that difficult to eat with a child on your lap?

How do/did people survive without highchairs?

FFS, you baby is only 9 months old. Behave yourself.

When she has brought her DD to stay as a baby I’ve let her use my older DCs bath, sleep in his travel cot, use his toys etc so she didn’t need to cart a load of stuff with her

But surely that didn't stop your DC using those things. Unless your child usually sleeps in a travel cot?

No you take a portable high chair

I wouldn’t have assumed, l would have asked beforehand. Probably a days or a week before to check
But I do wonder how a 3.5 year old would fit in to be honest. I look at my 2 year old twins and doubt they will do in 18 months

So she went in to her car seat instead.

I'm failing to see the trauma caused.

Really.

FWIW, we had a booster seat with an inflatable cushion which you strap to a normal chair and has straps for the small child, too. I got it into my hand luggage once for a weekend away with DS when he was small. Brand name Roba. Brilliant thing.

Another post where of course the OP isn’t unreasonable but people enjoy ensuring the blame lies with them! Yes she was rude and I think thoughtless really, not to mention still treating her preschooler like a baby 🙈
I remember how difficult it was trying to feed both myself and a wriggly grabby 9 month old at the same time balanced on my knee - not enjoyable so I understand it wasn’t too comfortable!

I think @samarranges response is spot on.

it’s not patronising.

your friend wasn’t rude, probably just didn’t think your child took precedence over her own.

Her highchair, not yours. Feed baby on lap.

Tbh you don't need to bring a lot to lunch out with a child. It's not big business.
I have never brought a high chair for mine being out for lunch. I wouldn't had thought a minute that having your child at your lap for a lunch was a big issue.
You would see me as a rude host but maybe your friend didn't realise that you thought different. Might be better to tell her or ask for a hand with baby.

i can't believe this is a whole thread.

YABU to assume that you would be able to use her child's chair for yours without asking, however odd you think it if she didn't want her DC to use it for whatever reason then it wouldn't be there would it? And whatever the reason she wants to use it doesn't dissappear because you have your baby there. And for a one off lunch I wouldn't see anything odd about eating with your baby on your lap.

I used to tie mine to a normal chair with a jumper - propped up on a cushion or folded coat and pushed in to the table. They were fine, everyone needs to relax and eat their lunch 😂

My 3 year old often sits in my dining room chair so I sit in his Tripp trap - I find it comfy. It’s suitable for all ages

God I don't know how we managed with our kids being fed on our knees!

My DC use tripp trapps at home well into school age, but obviously configured for their size and age (I think the baby set is supposed to come off at 36 months?). I admittedly always go crazy with toddlers/pre-school age in adult-sized chairs during meals because they end up all over the place and are so much more of a struggle than a 9 month old on a lap. The 3 year old asking not to sit in the high chair and mum saying no you need to sit there for lunch just sounds like it was probably their standard pre-meal conversation, and there's a good chance mum was just not wanting to make an exception and then have going back to routine at the next meal be an even bigger struggle.

So if we didn't have a spare high chair and had a 9 month old guest I'd probably offer to take turns holding the baby so the parent could eat and visit, and I'd also have a safe place for floor-play nearby so the baby didn't need to be confined to a car seat or a lap when they weren't eating. But then I come from a big family and passing around babies at gatherings so mothers could eat was a norm I had picked up by 13 or so, and I can see where others wouldn't think to automatically offer that. And a spare chair next to mum for the car seat to be set on if the baby was going back into it seems like an obvious thing to offer up.

All in all this sounds like not the most proactive, intuitive hosting. But I'm a little puzzled by you seeming to have fairly strong feelings about it but not asking for anything - for your friend to hold your baby for a bit so you could take turns eating, for a chair to set the car seat on, to use the high chair at some point, especially after the 3 year old seemed to be winding up their meal, etc.

When I took mine anywhere like that at the same age, husband and I used to sit him on our laps to eat, never thought about special chairs. We had high chair at home of course.

OP, I think you may be missing the main lesson of this incident.

There are a million and one potential reasons why the 3½ year old was in the high chair, and then why her Mum didn't offer the high chair to you. Those possible reasons range from rudeness and poor parenting, through mechanical/logistical issues of adjusting the chair, to some special need (balance, phobia, whatever) that you know nothing about and your friend doesn't want to discuss.

But it really, really doesn't matter at all whether the reasons why your DD didn't get to use the high chair are "good" or "bad". You had an uncomfortable time because you didn't check, when you could have done in a few seconds. If you had done so, you would have had a lovely time with your friend.

Even if you were in the right here, there is no point in trying to prove that, whether you choose to do it in an internal discussion with yourself, or by talking to your partner, or by presenting a case here and hoping that MNers will agree with you (which, inevitably, some won't).

There is an opportunity here for you to choose to think in a different way about what happened, and to realise that you can handle (and often prevent!) these situations differently in future. By asking in advance, you would have saved yourself the hassle of feeding your DD in awkward circumstances, and also avoided getting into a conflict — even if it was unspoken — with your friend, again whether she is actually rude and a bad parent, or dealing with some kind of problem with her DD.

Situations like this will come up hundreds of times in your future life, both with and without your DD (although of course a child always introduces extra randomness). Realising that you can prevent many of them from happening in the first place with just that one extra check or call or question will make your life so much calmer and happier. 🙏