To be fuming at my friend

Sorry but MH issues so close to the time is a cop out .. even if anxiety you need to push through and give it a bloody good go rather than giving into it - because your friend has made such a huge effort .. MH issues doesn’t give you a free pass to just bailing if you don’t fancy something.. 45 years with a poorly medicated BP husband has taught me this .. along with 45 years of mental health education and support .

Sorry but MH issues so close to the time is a cop out .. even if anxiety you need to push through and give it a bloody good go rather than giving into it - because your friend has made such a huge effort .. MH issues doesn’t give you a free pass to just bailing if you don’t fancy something.. 45 years with a poorly medicated BP husband has taught me this .. along with 45 years of mental health education and support .

People…..you’ll know if this applies to you. If it does, then I stand by what I say. say. If it doesn’t, then please ignore!

I am getting more and more fed up with people who hide behind their so-called mental health issues. If they really do not have issues but pretend they do, they make me fume! It must be horrendous to have mental health issues for real and my heart goes out to those people. As I said, you’ll know who you are.
However, people who invent such issues just to avoid doing something they don’t want to do, or to get something they want, genuinely make me sick.
When I was a child, a lady in our village suddenly became mentally I’ll and was taken to an asylum. Not nice places, and I certainly wouldn’t want that happening now, but sometimes, just sometimes, a little voice inside me says that maybe it should. I fail to see why we should pussyfoot around these people. Medication is available, but apparently not always taken, and that is often the problem.

Feelinga bit anxious is a bit different to if she was having panic attacks or a crisis. I guess you need to ask her

I think the best thing to do is not organise any events or things that need booking any more. Stick to low risk meetings like a coffee meet up that takes no organising and minimal commitment.

But it’s the fact that she texted that would make it impossible for me to forgive her. It points to a level of self-absorption I couldn’t deal with.

I think it depends. I have significant mental health problems and if I was cancelling so close to that sort of thing, it would very much be a I really cannot fucking do this, I would just have no functional ability to go. If I did go i would either nearly kill myself off and need to hibernate for like a week, or the thing would be cut short as I would just fall apart part way through.

i would imagine, she has been trying and trying to go and at the last minute just couldn’t. I often get like that (at least once a day, even over the tiniest things). It’s just an all encompassing feeling that I cannot do the thing and I physically cannot make myself do the thing. It’s just an absolute complete block.

Your friend texted to cancel within two hours of your meeting? That’s an ex-friend in my book.

I'd be sympathetic about the situation. But I would also never treat them again, or put myself in a position of losing anything e.g. money or annual leave.

I think some of the posts show not a lot of understanding of mental illness.

In my own case I would sometimes get myself ready to go out. Some times even make the journey to the event. But feel so inadequate and fearful of going into where I was supposed to be going I would turn round and just go home again.

We have no idea about OP's mental state. It may be that right until 2 hours before the event she was psyching herself up to go to the event but couldn't manage it.

Don't get me wrong: very annoying and upsetting for OP but I don't think we can judge her friend without knowing what her mental health issues are.

I suspect from your wording of the post, it is a mild thing therefore I would also be fuming if it was just an anxiety, not feeling like leaving the house kind of thing. Going to an event would not hurt, it wouldn't dramatically change much by not attending, other than probably cheer her mood up a bit.
However as a PP has said, if it were a very serious episode where medical intervention is needed then I would not be raging.

I think it’s hard not to take mh problems personally. The reality is that people suffering with mh tend to be quite selfish in that moment. They can’t help it and this isn’t an attack, but the reality is they can come across as self absorbed and uncaring of others. It’s okay to feel disappointed but like others have said, it may not be in your friend’s control. Or she may be flaky in which case, if there was a pattern I’d distance myself.

So the friend that cancelled should ignore their MH issues so they don’t upset OP or her mental health? (which she probably doesn't suffer with otherwise she wouldn’t be fuming with this situation)

With 2 hours notice? …Anyone genuine would be mortified and profusely apologetic. I hope that they are. Sorry this happened to you. If they thought they might not be able to manage what you were suggesting, they should have declined upfront. That you had to go at a quieter time suggests some anxiety about it.

It does very much depend on whether they are usually flakey or it might be very real and they genuinely can’t go. You know your friend better than us, so what do you think?

I have a friend who would constantly flake on me, sometimes on arrangements that really felt like she was letting me down. I knew her well enough to know it was not always genuine MH (more she couldn’t be arsed with the hassle of going out). I stopped making proper arrangements and just did stuff where it didn’t matter if she cancelled last minute.

Sorry @greekdogrescue I'm not sure why I replied to you there it wasn't aimed at you in specific!

'Mental health' can mean anything. It can literally just mean "didn't fancy it".

It could be something more serious of course but I'm being charitable to the OP as assuming that OP would know if it was serious. Obviously if it is more serious but really I think if I was going to cancel I would message friend with details of what's actually going on. It's a shame I don't instinctively feel more charitable towards OPs friend but I hear "mental health" excuses as get of jail free cards WAY more often than it has ever been a genuinely disabling reason.

It’s entirely dependent on how serious the issues are, and I couldn’t draw any conclusions until I found this out. She could have been trying hard to make herself ok to go and just couldn’t manage. Or she could be a flaky twat. You will probably have a sense of this as you know her.

Upon further reflection, I change my advice from "gradually phase her out" to either blocking her or telling her to think about someone else for a change.

This behaviour is only acceptable of 3 year olds and maybe not even then.

Amazing how the MH issue cropped up 2hrs before linking up.

Block and delete her.

Save your own MH from pseudo-friends like this.

I would be raging.

What about your mental health, does she care about that?

Too many people nowadays use this excuse to get away with being selfish.

I would gradually phase her out - unreliable, self absorbed people don't make good friends.

I’d be furious. And would not be seeing her ever again.
And yes, I have had MH counseling in the past.

Not necessarily.

’Mental Health issues’ can cover a wide spectrum just like physical ones can. If a friend cancelled citing a simple headache as the reason, you’d wonder why they didn’t just take some pain killers and not stay too late. If it was a full on migraine, that’s a different issue.

So it depends on context. Did she elaborate? If she only said ‘mental health’ and nothing else then I would be wondering what she meant by that. There are plenty of times when I have felt extremely anxious about going out but have still managed to do it because I know I will calm down once I get there. But as a PP said, psychotic episode or severe panic attack is different

Agree with this.