To rip MIL a new one?

Has your fiance explained to his mother that the reason you have minimal communication with your mother is not because 'they just don't get on very well' but actually as a result of severe childhood neglect that nearly ended up with you being taken into care? It must have been very bad for that to even be a consideration.

If she doesn't know this she probably thinks she's forging good familial links - well meaning but annoying, rather than putting you at risk of further abuse, stress, and worry. She's also putting herself at risk of being involved with someone who is batshit. It's easy to invite the crazy into your life, less easy to push it out again.

It might have been vulgar had she used the full phrase ("rip MIL a new arsehole"). As used, it merely indicated a strength of feeling.

HTH

I couldn’t have said it better myself! @Jostuki How dare you? OP clearly had an extremely abusive childhood and to compare her to her abuser is disgusting.

Do you understand the threshold that a child has to go through to be placed on child protection? The only absolutely disgusting poster I see here is you.

Bloody hell @Someadvice. As the MIL to a DIL and future MIL to dd's partner, the pair of them are nuts. Define your boundaries fast.

For context, DS's MIL sent me a FB request before they were engaged. I sent a msg back that my FB was only about 20 very old friends. DD's future MIL can be a bit over chummy, we were sort of school gate mates years ago, but I know she is lonely. However, I keep a distance because it's the children's lives, not ours.

I’m from Manchester and that’s a very common saying.

@Highlandfandango

Attention : Margo Ledbetter is in the room.

Wow.
That's beyond total twattery. No wonder your furious.
Support from partner sounds excellent.
In every respect, you seem to have a clear, emotionally balanced perspective on what musta bin a massively shite time growing up. Your MiL absolute self serving meddling wheedling deedilling cunt.
Again, nae wunder your raging.

Is absolutely shite, rips lids Offa awl kinda otherwise dealt with boxes. There is NO rational acceptable reasoning for MiL actions . It's disrespectful hurtful, causing reignition of otherwise manageable situation.
The bastards
Pair of them. ....... Is horrible, is also exactly how it works.sounds close to (you) being mad when voice it. BUT. I get it,have been there. People really are THAT bad.
Providing you are in now way included in the Xmas meetup and can't be arsed with the drama that not go mils will. Kick off can you skip full chapters, and detatch. All relevant emotions or fucks given.Like when do that street view to overview thing on playstation but, a solitary take yourself outta that picture. Let em get on with it. Zero response,to either. NC is difficult,tantrum,blow up exposes our feelings n leaves you upset n vulnerable, ABSOLUTE zero response/reaction to the fukin ratbag worst shit.imstant right off ,they doing it anyway.let em get on with it.
Is easiest current option. Is also shit. But fuck d'em

Me too.It's a very common saying where I live. I don't see the vulgarity or violence. It's a figure of speech.

I like it.

YANBU to be upset with your MIL but YABU to use such a violent and vulgar thread title.

I bet MIL is doing it because she thinks she knows better than you, and doesn't care what you want. It's abusive.

Why can’t the two mothers meet up. They can make their own minds up, if they get on it would be wonderful and they will be out of your lives, like you want them to be.

Just to reiterate what @NZDreaming said - it is nearly impossible for people who have not experienced truly toxic family relationships to understand what it means. They think people like your mother can be reasoned with or will behave reasonably. If your MIL is an over-involved mother (as mine is) who likes to fix things she may well believe that you and your mother just need her intervention to sort everything out. If that is the case, your DP needs to be absolutely explicit that she is wrong and whatever her intentions she has caused far more harm than good.

Mil needs to be put on a very low information diet ASAP. I'm sorry to say but she sounds extremely toxic, just in a different way to what you are used to , so it can be harder to spot

Let's look at what you say about your MIL:

1. "MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP."
2. "We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives."
3. "MIL genuinely comes across as so oblivious to everything and I’m not sure if it’s all an act to get away with it or she really is like that."

My interpretation:
She is not "oblivious" to everything, she fakes being oblivious to anything that does not suit her to acknowledge. She is self-absorbed and selfish and regards herself as The Centre Of The World. Of course she "struggled to cut the cord" - how could she not, when her son is merely an extension of herself and not a person in his own right? (Ditto not listening to him.) She interferes because, as The Centre Of The World everyone else must tug their forelock and do as she says - how else should The Centre Of The World be treated? By imposing boundaries on The Centre Of The World you have broken a Law of the Universe and that cannot be tolerated by her. And yes - lawbreakers must be punished .

I'd hazard your MIL is a bit of a narcissist, maybe milder than your mother, a different 'flavour' as it were - operates a bit more subtly than your mother, deploys 'being oblivious' as a weapon rather than being more direct. It's presumably a tactic that has worked well for her in the past. Don't fall for it - she is NOT oblivious, she knows exactly what she is doing. She is drawing your mother near to punish you, nothing else.

"I think the harder part of it to wrap my head around is that when she messages her it doesn’t look like it’s to snitch or bitch about us it’s more “oh I’m so proud of your beautiful daughter on her promotion at work what a lovely job you did of raising such a lovely woman” and then my Mum will screenshot it and use it as a stick to beat me with."
As I said, she operates more subtly than your mother, but operate she does!

I would cut contact with her, and impress upon your DP that he must not hand any ammunition to her. If she asks about you, his response should be along the lines of 'Why do you ask? So you can report back to her mother?'. He should never give ANY information, just query why she is asking and give her nothing - not even that you have asked him to give her nothing! Just deflect, deflect, deflect. He might find this difficult, after all she's trained him from birth to respond as she wishes - but that cord needs to be cut on his side too.

Congratulations on your arrangements for your wedding - very sensible.

I am going against the grain here. Maybe she really doesn't understand how toxic your mother is /has been.
I had a relatively happy normal childhood. The occasional arguments as a teenager. Our family weren't wealthy. Mum worked part tim and Dad worked long hours.It is difficult to understand that not everyone was as lucky.

My MIL took time to grow on me. Very different background from my family. She was 10 years older than my mum. She was rather snooty and tended to look down people in general. She stopped work when she got married. She was always worried about people's perceptions of her and her rather warped idea of her place in society. My DH found it embarrassing.Yet, she produced and brought up a wonderful son.

Ultimately, maybe you both need to sit down with her and catalogue all the things that made your childhood so difficult. Explain it isn't just superficial argument. Explain how her relationship with your toxic mother is so upsetting and that you feel it is a betrayal.
Then say if you insist on befriending her you will have to reduce or terminate your relationship with DM.

Explain what non contact actually involves.
She may initially resent being told what to do.

Does your soon to be DH want to go non contact and lose his mum and family?

Don't visit, block her on everything

get dp to go to hers for the xmas stuff - but not stay, just give her the message that her actions mean you are not going and he is not staying
This is so terribly unkind of MIL

Op it's really sad but if you and dh can put on a strong united front it may help and force her to give this up.

Hopefully she will see sense and you can see her again soon..
But, you and dp need to be in the same page and both act on this.

Stop giving her fuel and she can't fan the flames with your own mother

Does MIL know just how bad your mothers abuse & neglect was? Would you allow DFiance to tell her "you know child protection services were involved throught teenage years. It's not a petty falling out that you or I can make better. Every message makes the past trauma a bit closer again. I know mother doesnt present as abusive, but most abusers dont. You stop doing this, or we stop sharing anything personal with you".

yes I thought that might happen too.

@stuckdownahole like many posters on here who wade into sensitive situations with their image of Disney

There are some people who truly think they are relationship saviours and their intervention will bring everyone together. Stupid? Ignorant? Egotistical? All this and more, IMO.

I'd not rip MIL a new one. She's not worth it. Treat her like the child she's acting like. Make it known that you are very disappointed by her silly behaviour and that this is a lesson in cause and effect. You now no longer have a relationship with her and she no longer is invited to hear family news because she has proven time and time again that she has not got the capacity to retain an instruction and she cannot be trusted in any way, shape or form.