To rip MIL a new one?

Don't see either of them. It sounds like your DP has the measure of his Mum. You are an adult, you don't have to do anything that causes you upset and it sounds like you've done a lot of work to get to a good point emotionally and mentally - I'm not sure what MILs scheme is but it's not from a place of love. If she wants you in her life she has to earn it

It sounds like MIL just doesn’t comprehend how awful your mother is. Perhaps you should send MIL screenshots of the abusive messages you get from her.

MIL probably thinks she can’t be that bad because you are still in contact with her.

I think I’d be tempted to have one final go, calmly, firmly, sitting down with MIL yourself (with or without partner).

You firmly lay out the overview of the background, and why you’re asking for space. Give examples to help her understand why you don’t want news passing on.

Then offer her the choice. Stop passing any news onto your mum at all, or stop getting any news that relates to you, including seeing you. Her choice. And with that info, she can make an informed choice.

From your posts, I can see potential that she actually doesn’t ’get It’ and thinks she’s being helpful, not harmful.
second hand messages via a partner aren’t an overly reliable communication tool.

Paste on that smile and make your own life with DH.

I'm sorry but you need to cut her off, right now. Tell your DP you will no longer see her and if he wants to see her then absolutely no details about you are to be shared.

Actions speak louder than words, exclude MIL and blank her until she gets the message. I doubt she will choose your mother over her son will she?

You know, I think MIL is just boasting about the fact that she's doing stuff with you and your mother isn't. I'm finding it hard to read this any other way.

I think this will get much, much worse if you have children, so it's a very good idea to nip it in the bud now by cancelling the visit and making it clear that her behaviour isn't acceptable.

OP.. I don't think you need to tell MIL the full extent of your childhood difficulties... as some have suggested. It only gives her more information on you and she's already proved many times that she can't be trusted. Why would you tell her incredibly private stuff about yourself just because she's unable to listen to you or mind her own business.

I think its enough to say - had a very difficult childhood. Not prepared to go into any details, but its is bad enough to ask once again that you do not want her to facilitate contact or mend bridges.

But I agree with others. If she simply won't listen, that's not well meaning, that's deliberate.

So glad to see that the poster aggressively minimizing child abuse and neglect has been deleted (and hopefully banned).

Given the background I very much doubt it.

Plus she's been told not to, numerous times.

No ambiguity whatsoever.

This..The MIL probably has no idea it was that bad.
She probably thinks it will be nice to get the family all together.

This situation is a nightmare. Honestly, it is really bad. OP, I feel so sad that you are have had so much therapy and then this is happening to you.

I would go there to see your elderly relatives but to any enquiries about your life, no matter how innocently put, I would say 'no comment'.

I can't see how people get pleasure out of torturing others in this way,. It's obscene.

I would say that @NZDreaming is spot on.

It can be really difficult for anyone who has not grown up in an abusive home to grasp just how bad it was. Its hard to believe the reality for anyone who has not experienced the manipulation and control involved. If they have notions of "fixing things" you will have to be really, brutally blunt about the reality if you have not gone into detail before they take it seriously. Even then with a manipulative narcissist in the mix it may not work.

If MiL won't take it seriously even when bluntly told the facts then your only option is to keep your distance, even though that has ramifications for your DH's siblings as well. This will be your MiL's responsibility - you must do what you need to preserve your own sanity and sense of safety.

Its not weird that one mother considers contacting the family of her new DCiL - some do, some don't. I always took the view that iL relationships were like work relationships - aim for a decent working relationship where you can rub along as needed and sometimes more will follow but its fine to just rub along.

Of my DCiLs' parents I am quite friendly with one set - we had geographical proximity and some shared interests. Two sets are Xmas cards, family event cards, and happy to see them if we meet up at family events but that is it. One I have no contact with because she was an abusive fucker of a mother to my DCiL, I do know what that meant and I don't have delusions that I could perform miracles with narcissists.

A short text to MIL explaining that she has chosen once again to contact your mother and as she has made her choice then so too have you and you will not be meeting with her for the foreseeable future

Agree. Let the two mums have a miserable day together. DH shouldn't go either.

MIL will soon get the message.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives.

No you dont.

A boundary includes the consequence for overstepping or the deadline missed to be communicated and then enacted without further explanation or negotiation.

Neither of you have provided that clarity.

Good god OP, I really feel for you. My husband has just made contact with his absent father and his father was told straight away that should he ever pass information to DH other family members then the relationship would be over.

Your fiancé needs to visit his mum alone and not tell her about you. That's if he wants to see her!

That's good advice.

You are going to need to set watertight boundaries now. You are both coming into this marriage with a lot of baggage, and this isn't going to get better. In fact, it's likely to get much worse when/if you have children. Both of you have to be totally committed to dealing with it as a united couple.

Even if you distance yourself completely from her - and I think that you should, unless she disengages with your mother - she's always going to have an influence/input via your DP. It's going to be extremely difficult for him to continue a relationship with her and never mention you or any personal details relating to you.

Think carefully here.

dont go and see mil
ignore mother
let them get together mil will soon find out what she is like or else she will find someone as bad as herself so you will get rid of both of them

Only read your OP. Usually I think irritating MIL threads are often skewed or hyperbolic and overly dramatic.

Not in this case. Your MIL is extremely out of order. I like to be peacemaker too. But I wouldn't overstep boundaries that are that deeply entrenched. YANBU to rip her a new one. Not at all.

@Watchmesing Really? You don’t know anybody who wasn’t taken into care for severe neglect as a child?? Where the fuck do you live? Surely you at least went to school and met other children who hadn’t been taken into care?

This

Just leave them to it imo. No law saying you must see either of them. Mil wants a rise out of you so stop giving her one.

It's sad but I think you need to step right back from your MIL, she is either spectacularly thick or is enjoying undermining you.