Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

Don't worry OP. They often say naughty child/good teenager and vice versa. Your child might turn into a complete tinker when he's older so enjoy him being a good little boy now! I also believe that a child's real character will always show eventually and it may be that you just have a lovely boy who knows how to play the game and wants to be good! If he has fun and is happy you aren't going far wrong.

i think there’s been occasions I have shouted, I can recall at least twice, probably a little more

Blimey, I had shouted at mine loads more than twice by the time they were 2.5!!

It sounds like you are a great parent with a lovely boy. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I guess you could just check that if he wants to run around or make a noise (providing it's an appropriate place/time) then you let him do that sometimes. But I agree with others it's likely just his personality. I have two girls, one preferred to draw quietly, the other preferred to run about noisily.

You won't really know if you have done it right until he's much older. I have a very different parenting style to yours, probably more like your brother. I never cared if the rutine got disturbed as I prioritised us having fun. So if we were at friends for dinner it didn't matter if they got to bed a couple of hours later than normal or if they didn't feel like having breakfast in the morning they could do something else and eat later. Sometimes we had dinner or the floor or did a nighttime picnic in the garden etc. We slept in tents in the backyard and stayed up late with our flashlights looking at insects. These are some of the most cherished memories my kids have and I'm glad we didn't live to regimented, but that's because that just isn't our style. Some kids absolutely thrive off routine and knowing what's happening.

I think as long as he's not scared of your reaction if he does want to do something outside of his routine and you have fun and there is lots of love along the way he'll be fine. Just don't forget to make him feel loved and that he's allowed to get things wrong or have a different opinion.

The fact you're so worried and upset about this proves what a wonderful parent you are. It really is as simple as that. Routine and boundaries are great for children and I bet your son will say "my Mum would never have put up with that" when he's older watching his friends' kids run riot! It sounds like you have a great bond and you are looking after yourself as much as you are looking after him. Well done you x

When my son was a toddler he had some friends the same age. Mine was really boisterous and barely sat still, one friend was very quiet, shy and clingy and liked sitting quietly doing jigsaws, another was also just quite quiet and self contained. All from 2 parent families and I think fairly similar approaches to parenting, all quite routine based. I am quite a quiet person, I just had a boisterous child. They are older primary now and mine has calmed down a lot and is in fact quite studious while the clingy child is much more confident than he was. I found 3 quite tricky with both of mine, they seemed to do a lot of boundary pushing. But I also was quite strict about things like using reins until they were old enough to reliably walk with me, I avoided anywhere where they would need to sit quietly for any length of time as they just couldn't do it whereas some people seem to just let their boisterous kids run riot..we spent many many hours in the playpark... I distinctly remember being in a cafe where a 3 year old was being allowed to wander around and very nearly went through the door into the kitchen which was just dangerous.
It's ok to have firm boundaries, kids like to know where they stand. But also children do just have different personalities.
None of what you've said makes me think you have caused any kind of problem. But it is important that you don't blame yourself every time your child seems a bit sad in future.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job!

I agree that it sounds largely down to personality. Some children see life as a big adventure playground - walks are there to be climbed on, buttons to push and, if there's nothing around to fiddle with, they'll run in circles or make themselves so dizzy that they fall over. While some children very quickly pick up, and are compliant with, the social 'rules' that apply to us, and don't seem to have the same constant need for movement or are able to better control it to fit in with social norms.

I have a wall-climber and my cousin has a rule-follower. She is amazed that I have to hiss "don't touch that!" or "feet on the ground please" around 10 times an hour at my DS whenever we meet up. Whereas it just would not occur to her child to climb on walls rather than walk on the ground - he just wouldn't see the point. But he's a delightful child who excels at Lego, reading and many other activities. And to be honest I rather envy her his ability to walk from A to B in an unobjectionable manner, it looks quite relaxing for her 😅.

My youngest son is like yours - he's 9 but comes across as very mature, sensible, quiet and hard working. It's just the way they are! He's very different to
My older 2 but same upbringing/similar experiences.

So you have brought up a considerate, polite, calm and well mannered child. You have done very well!

I think we all beat ourselves up at some point worrying about what sort of parent we are. None of us are perfect and so we focus on the qualities we see as bad or need improvement. I can remember very clearly two occasions I shouted at my son, I have never hit him or been physical in any way but lost my temper shouting on these two particular occasions. Of course these are the times that stick in my mind and cause me up question my ability as a parent - not all of the fun, happy times when I have been a very good mum. The point is, when we love our kids we want to be the best we can and so focus on the bad points to punish ourselves and make sure we do better in future. The fact you are reflecting on it shows how much you care

Sounds like you're doing a great job! Kids need routine and structure. He knows already what's expected of him and that's a good thing. As he gets older the routines and structures will evolve as he gets older and maybe has strong interests/ hobbies. Enjoy the calm household you've created.

Maybe your SIL is jealous that her kid/routine is quite chaotic compared to yours so she’s saying these little judgy comments to make herself feel better? But I don’t think it sounds like you have done anything wrong. My DS was quite focused and serious as a toddler, he’s a really clever teen, still quite shy and serious but that’s just who he is. If you feel like you want to start having more fun with him, you could read the book Playful Parenting for some ideas. But it sounds like you have good systems that work for you both and have a toddler who isn’t a chaos monkey - enjoy it!

I have always been very clear with boundaries and expectations with all of my children. They were lovely, well behaved toddlers and have grown into lovely, well behaved children (late primary aged now). I think a large part of that is personality… I’ve never really had to shout at them as they’ve never done anything that warranted it. I think they have also benefitted from routine, consistency and boundaries.

You could have two kids and one be bonkers and the other be the calmest thing ever - trust me that’s what I’ve got! DS is very calm and quiet whilst DD was a total whirlwind of a toddler.

You are doing an amazing job, don’t second guess yourself.

your son sounds lovely and you sound like a great parent x

Congratulations on raising such a well behaved child. You should be really proud of yourself.

Wow OP you sound absolutely wonderful as a mum. I think comparing DS with his cousin unfavourably is crazy as if a child won’t stop if you shout because of cars it’s way more dangerous. You have done a fantastic job. It is way better to have strong routines and boundaries where children feel safe secure and that life is predictable. Noone enjoys being around out of control shouting running screaming children for very long. Itis much easier to now relax a little, ensure there are loads of (non material) treat times together, tickling rough and tumbles, climbing trees, mad games etc because you have done the very very hard work of giving a consistent framework.

it’s only my opinion but have twoDCs and worked with children all my life. You-need to stand tall.

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself! Routine is great for young children's development and there is nothing wrong with having high expectations for their behaviour. Please try and be a bit gentler with yourself.

Comparing one child to another isn't very helpful, as like with grown ups their personalities are going to be so different.

Age can make a huge difference too and is very dependent on the child. My daughter is 3.5yo and is a lot more challenging (i.e. pushing boundaries and not doing what she's told) than she was a year ago at 2.5yo. We didn't really have 'terrible twos' and seem to be having a more challenging time at 3.

OP all I can say is I wish more children in my class had parents like you. "Free spirited" CAN (doesn't always) result in a behavioural management nightmare . .

As he gets older, of course you will need to slack of at bedtime eg if you're both
going to a family party on a Saturday.

But a child not running rings around their parent isn't a child with a crushed spirit; it's one who knows the boundaries and expectations. And he will safe and confident as a result.

Just make sure you have time for fun - for both of you. Jump in that muddy puddle, do the finger painting and messy play. And then tidy up and get washed together.

Please cut yourself some slack and try not to compare your little boy with his cousin or your parenting with your brother's

Philosophies, personalities and experiences differ. You bring all of these to your parenting (including crucially your son's personality). It'll grow and change as you and he do. It sounds like you're doing great to me.

Needing a routine is a solid, bulletproof reason to have a routine. The best reason in the world. Don't pick yourself apart.

You are overthinking this massively. My cousin was a young single mum, and her boy sounds a lot like yours. He's always been quite reserved, calm, and pretty obedient - it's just his nature. Even as a 14 year old he's quite sweet and happy to do as he's told, and never gives her any trouble really. It hasn't stopped him from being a popular kid, great at sports, lots of friends.

Try not to worry. It sounds like you've done a good job with your little guy. Try not to compare him to other kids they are all different.

Beautiful post from a beautiful rodent!

Free spirited comes with its own challenges and it’s about personality not parenting.

Children are not blank slates. It’s far more likely that your son is just naturally more sensible and introverted, and your nephew is naturally more extroverted and impulsive. Like a few previous posters, I have one of each. With only a 23 month age gap, they have been raised exactly the same; same bedtimes, discipline, diet, activities etc and one was feral, the other calm and compliant. They are 14 and 12 now, and the wild one has calmed down considerably while the previously well-behaved one is developing some serious teenage attitude 😬😭
Enjoy your little boy OP, and please stop comparing. He sounds lovely and completely normal, as does his cousin.

You can let him develop his spirit by giving him space within boundaries.
Take him out in parks, let him trample in mud, climb trees and splash in puddles. Let him ride bikes and read exciting books, dance to music and do messy art.
There's nothing wrong with strict boundaries but being strict all the time will have an impact.

One of my DC is like this and doesn't want to do wrong (not sure if that's the right word!). My other DC who is a toddler went through a stage of throwing herself on the middle of the road when we were crossing and do that dead weight thing so it was nearly impossible to lift her up!
Morning routine here is the same everyday, we have to do things in order otherwise we'd be late everyday. Relax OP, you are doing a fab job.