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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to let my friend walk to the train station alone on a night out?

189 replies

Anonymous2003 · 16/12/2024 14:21

I'm aware that the title sounds very bad and I'm thinking I may get a lot of angry comments. Last month, my friends and I went out for drinks in the city centre for my birthday. None of us bar one live in the city, and public transport is not great here with trains being few and far between. Since we went out around 4pm, I wasn't planning on us staying out too late but we didn't make any 'set in stone' plans on what time to go home.
3 of us (myself, Friend 1 and Friend 2) live in the same general direction, with the last 2 trains going home in that direction being at 9pm and then 10.50pm.
After we had our meal we went to a bar round 7.30pm and it didn't feel like we were there very long before Friend A said she should be going soon to get the 9pm train as she didn't want her mum to pick her up from the train station late at night.
The atmosphere was only starting to be good and neither me nor the others wanted to leave so early. Friend 1 hadn't had many drinks and was nowhere near drunk. Friend 2 offered to get the train home with her at 9, Friend 1 declined. We offered to walk her to the station (20 minute walk each way for us which is quite lengthy) and she declined. Friend 1 said she would walk to the station alone while talking on the phone to a relative to feel safe.
We said goodbye and texted her soon after to make sure she got on the train okay, she told us she did but had gotten lost on the way there.
We are going out again this week and she said she will try to get a lift home to save her walking alone.
Were we bad friends to not go with her? It's not like we didn't offer but I still feel a tad guilty despite it being relatively early in the evening. I don't plan on doing this again.

OP posts:
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Funkyslippers · 22/12/2024 08:32

Gloriia · 21/12/2024 17:17

'And I think if your mum is privy to every single detail of your life - e.g. you would tell her things like getting slightly lost in your nearest city, that isn't especially a good thing.'

It's just normal chat. One of mine texted me to tell me what an amazing sandwich she'd got from a Christmas market today complete with a pic. We aren't co dependent or weird, our dc just tell us things, within reason obviously. I think getting lost on a night out would certainly have got a mention and I'd have said get an uber or use phone maps next time (or travel with friends..).

I agree. I'd often ask my dd how her evening went & she'd probably tell me if she got lost on the way to the station. Absolutely nothing weird about it at all

Comtesse · 22/12/2024 08:11

Your friend is pretty neurotic about this. Worrying about walking down a busy street at 5pm is far too much.

My 11 yo daughter walks home from school by herself at 5pm FFS and I think this is fine never mind a grown woman.

kiraric · 21/12/2024 18:36

Gloriia · 21/12/2024 17:17

'And I think if your mum is privy to every single detail of your life - e.g. you would tell her things like getting slightly lost in your nearest city, that isn't especially a good thing.'

It's just normal chat. One of mine texted me to tell me what an amazing sandwich she'd got from a Christmas market today complete with a pic. We aren't co dependent or weird, our dc just tell us things, within reason obviously. I think getting lost on a night out would certainly have got a mention and I'd have said get an uber or use phone maps next time (or travel with friends..).

I can't imagine living like that.

I am bored enough by my own minutiae without hearing all about someone else's.

Sure something like - look at this nice sandwich once in a while is just chit chat but "mum, I went down St John street and then when I saw the subway, I realised I should have done down Market Street and all of this happened at 8:30" just sounds breathtakingly dull

I wouldn't even remember it happening to myself really by the time I got home

Gloriia · 21/12/2024 17:17

'And I think if your mum is privy to every single detail of your life - e.g. you would tell her things like getting slightly lost in your nearest city, that isn't especially a good thing.'

It's just normal chat. One of mine texted me to tell me what an amazing sandwich she'd got from a Christmas market today complete with a pic. We aren't co dependent or weird, our dc just tell us things, within reason obviously. I think getting lost on a night out would certainly have got a mention and I'd have said get an uber or use phone maps next time (or travel with friends..).

kiraric · 21/12/2024 17:04

Gloriia · 21/12/2024 17:01

No. You can have a controlling parent, an emotionally abusive parent, a co dependent relationship etc, the negative list goes on. But 'closeness'? That is a good thing.

Show quote history

Well, I think a lot of people mean codependent when they say "overly close" and that's a perfectly standard colloquial usage

And I think if your mum is privy to every single detail of your life - e.g. you would tell her things like getting slightly lost in your nearest city, that isn't especially a good thing.

Gloriia · 21/12/2024 17:01

kiraric · 21/12/2024 16:55

You absolutely can have an overly close relationship with a mum..

Show quote history

No. You can have a controlling parent, an emotionally abusive parent, a co dependent relationship etc, the negative list goes on. But 'closeness'? That is a good thing.

kiraric · 21/12/2024 16:55

Gloriia · 21/12/2024 16:38

I'm not sure you can have an overly close relationship with a mum tbh.

You don't seem to like your friend very much, reading the tone of your comments. Has she got other friends she could socialise with?

Show quote history

You absolutely can have an overly close relationship with a mum..

Gloriia · 21/12/2024 16:38

Anonymous2003 · 21/12/2024 00:19

@MissRoseDurward because she has an overly close 'best friend' relationship with her mum. I'm the same as you, I only tell my parents what they need to know and cringe at some of the stuff she tells her mum!

I'm not sure you can have an overly close relationship with a mum tbh.

You don't seem to like your friend very much, reading the tone of your comments. Has she got other friends she could socialise with?

Original poster
Anonymous2003 · 21/12/2024 00:19

@MissRoseDurward because she has an overly close 'best friend' relationship with her mum. I'm the same as you, I only tell my parents what they need to know and cringe at some of the stuff she tells her mum!

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MissRoseDurward · 21/12/2024 00:10

She made a couple of comments about how last time she got lost, how her mum was very cross

Why does her mum know anything about it? I never told my mum that level of detail about what I was doing. And my mum would expect me to be perfectly capable of getting myself home after an evening out (when it wasn't even late) without needing my hand held.

Emmz1510 · 20/12/2024 19:19

It’s fine. I’ve honestly never felt anything less than perfectly safe to walk in my city centre (Glasgow) at night, especially at that time but at any time really. I mean, i wouldn’t go into dark alleys or parks and always stick to well lit busy street, but your friend was fine to walk to the station at 9pm and 20 mins isn’t that far.

MellowCritic · 20/12/2024 17:38

This reminds me of the time I was at primary school and my best friend Karen didn't have any money to get anyting from the tuck shop. I offered to get her something she said no and I also offered her some of my chocolate, she said no. Karen if you're out there. I'm sorry. If I had the chance again I would have just bought you your own chocolate. Soz!!

Original poster
Anonymous2003 · 20/12/2024 17:02

@Silvers11 yes, I think this is exactly the case and you are unfortunately right.

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Funkyslippers · 20/12/2024 16:49

Itsannamay · 20/12/2024 16:46

She had to option of waiting for the 9pm train and not having to walk alone...she choose to go earlier and also refused someone to walk her to the station earlier...I mean it was all her choice to go early.

No, she left to catch the 9pm train

Itsannamay · 20/12/2024 16:46

She had to option of waiting for the 9pm train and not having to walk alone...she choose to go earlier and also refused someone to walk her to the station earlier...I mean it was all her choice to go early.

Silvers11 · 20/12/2024 16:42

I suspect she moaned to her Mum that she HAD to walk back to the station on her own, because the rest of you didn't want to leave then, and it was scarey. Probably didn't let on that you had offered to walk with her and made out none of you cared? So naturally her Mum would then be angry with the rest of you for being so selfish etc. etc. ?

Also, the train was at 9pm. So when she set off to walk, it would only be about 8.30?

DinosaurMunch · 20/12/2024 15:58

I think if you don't want to walk alone or arrange a taxi alone you have to stay until everyone else wants to leave. You don't get to decide everyone must leave at 9.

Staying together with friends is more about not leaving one person out really late on their own, and not leaving someone who's too drunk to look after themselves. It doesn't mean you have to all do what one person tells you.

Whether it's safe to walk alone at 9 pm would depend on the area and to an extent on what they are wearing. Wearing trainers and jeans and coat, more likely to be ok than a body stocking and stilettos. But that is for each adult to decide themselves. It's not up to one adult to decide another adult can't do this (unless they're drunk etc).

Taxis aren't particularly statistically safe as a lone woman either, especially private hire. Black Cabs are better.

Bottom line is if your friend didn't want to go alone she should have stayed until you all left. Potentially she should have clarified beforehand if she knew she needed to be home a certain time.

I don't really get why her mum is involved. It's not really her mum's business to be angry about this.

SallyWD · 20/12/2024 15:35

Having seen your update I think she sounds very infantile. As for getting her mum involved, my God! I really can't be doing with grown women who act in such a helpless way. Doesn't she know how to use Google maps?

usernother · 20/12/2024 15:19

If she didn't want to walk there alone be, the answer would be a taxi. I wouldn't have even offered to walk her there.

soundsys · 20/12/2024 15:16

I wouldn't offer to walk a grown woman to the station at 9pm in a busy city centre, no. Unless she was very drunk (in which case I still wouldn't tbh - I'd put her in a cab!) or... I can't think of another reason!

FumingTRex · 20/12/2024 15:09

Shes an adult so needs to sort this out herself. I have lived alone in cities and if i never walked alone after 9pm i would have been a recluse.

Original poster
Anonymous2003 · 20/12/2024 15:06

@Dollybantree I've met her mum a few times and she seems totally normal and reasonable. Maybe she was assaulted on the street when she was younger and this is where it all stems from? Anyway, she has a very close relationship with her mum and tells her everything, so it seems that she is heavily influenced by her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous2003 · 20/12/2024 15:03

@HolyPeaches yes we also felt like she was trying to guilt trip us. I honestly don't know why she just can't let it go... It was 6/7 weeks ago and if she was pissed off she could've brought it up to me (openly, not passive aggressively) and we I would've talked about it with her. I feel that she has lived quite a sheltered life, which is strange since her 17 year old sister is completely the opposite to her. Other than this though she is a lovely girl.

OP posts:
Dollybantree · 20/12/2024 15:02

Anonymous2003 · 20/12/2024 14:51

UPDATE: So we were all out last night again, and I can tell she is still hung up over this. I feel she was annoyed about having to walk alone. She made a couple of comments about how last time she got lost, how her mum was very cross (about her getting lost, but I wonder was she actually cross at us) and she doesn't want to walk alone again. I kind of brushed off these comments as I didn't want to start an argument or make a big deal out of this. Also, after we all arrived to the train station at the start of the night and were walking to the pub, one of our friends got separated from us in the crowd for a bit and was on her own ahead of us. Friend 1 went on about how people might think that she was out on her own without a group implying that this was dangerous...on a packed city centre street at 5pm!!! I really am understanding now that these worries of hers are not normal, and two people in the group agree with me.

She sounds a bit bonkers!

Maybe try asking her how she thinks the millions of women who live/work in the city get on in life without being chaperoned?

The fact her dm was annoyed too suggests these anxieties have been passed on through her parents. Is she an only child? A bit pampered maybe? I’d just completely ignore her and wouldn’t take the bait or make a jokey comment like “don’t be daft! What do think is going to happen?”

HolyPeaches · 20/12/2024 15:00

She made a couple of comments about how last time she got lost, how her mum was very cross

Wait, how old is she again?

She’s being absolutely ridiculous, and is trying to guilt trip you.

If she didn’t want to walk alone she should have arranged to be picked up directly from the bar OR gotten an Uber/other taxi to the station.

Fully grown adults with capacity who refuse to take responsibility for themselves absolutely infuriate me, and I couldn’t continue to be friends with someone like this.