Child home alone at 11

Yeah same.

I was a latchkey kid and absolutely loved it. My one friend I met in high school hated it so would always just come to mine. We didn't mess the house up or anything as both our parents would have hounded us for life so it was actually nice for us to have time without parents but each child is different

Looking through the replies, most are far more nuanced than that. 4, maybe 5, are saying “yeah totally fine no problem” and everyone else has said “depends on the child, or not for that long, or not yet at that age, or what about homework club” or other things like that.

ETA - the votes are fairly close for and against, and quite a few of those will be on an initial appraisal of “would my own 11 year old be ok with this” after skim reading the OP and not many of your replies.

Transition is such a tricky time for ND kids. Of course some kids are fine but worrying about knives and holes in the wall is a significantly different problem to what most parents have to worry about.

Mine (both autistic, one late diagnosed) needed more support in Y7 than Y6. One I'd have let do up to 2 hours twice a week, the other none at all. After school clubs were no use - DC would much rather walk home with the crowd at 3pm, in the light, than at 4pm in the dark when they couldn't always find a friend to walk with. For an hour or two you can dream up other solutions like going to a public library or coffee shop but you're hard pressed to find something that works for 3-4 hours. One friend of mine paid a student to come and hang out at theirs, another arranged for her DD to go to friends' houses but then the friendships broke down.

With neurodiversity you also need to factor in risk of risk taking behaviour. Several hours with no adult around would give lots of opportunities to get into mischief if they happened to make friends with the wrong crowd. Ofc people's profiles vary hugely but some autistic people may find it harder to judge situations, and question when things get dodgy.

Social attitudes and the responsibilities given to children have changed so much in my lifetime.

I remember when I was 11, in the first term of secondary school, I went home on the bus with a friend from my class.

When we got to her house, her two younger brothers were already there, having walked home from primary school and let themselves in.

My friend, being the eldest (and being a girl) was expected by her parents to get a meal ready for herself and her brothers, sit and eat it with them, then do all the washing up and putting away, before starting her homework. It was quite an eye-opener for me, as my mum didn't go out to work and was always there when I got home from school. My friend's situation was not at all unusual in those days (early 1970s).

When I was 13 I put an ad in the window of the local post office, offering my services as a babysitter. I didn't know the first thing about babies or children or how to look after them, but I wasn't short of bookings! My parents were quite happy for me to go alone to the home of people whom I had never met before, spend the evening there and get a lift home from the dad of the household after 10.00pm. I can't imagine that happening nowadays in the UK.

Perhaps you need a good divorce lawyer not a mediator? Damn straight you want 50%; unless you have a 50:50 care arrangement you should really get more.

Well it is fine for some kids. Conditions like autism affect children in such different ways. My son struggles hugely with some things, this wouldn't be one of them. For a start being by himself after school gives him time to decompress and makes him less likely to become disregulated not more.
If it's not OK for your kid that's fair enough. Doesn't make the rest of us wrong.

Does your ex not understand his child's needs or is he in denial over the additional needs?

In a way its irrelevant what other 11yos can do as its the SEND causing an issue.

It’s quite normal and common for secondary school children to do.

I think you need proper legal representation considering your dc's needs. Do you have that? It seems obv hat your 11 y/o cannot be left alone. Are things amicable with OH?

It's clearly not suitable for your child's needs.

I have an 11yo and an autistic 14yo. I stopped working because after a day of masking at school, DS1 couldn't cope with wrap around care. They can be left for 2-3 hours, but I'm still careful about the timing of that; DS1 would not feed himself, so they're left at times where that isn't an issue. That's DS1 being older and not being the type of child that risks serious damage to the house or himself when disregulated. DS2 likes being able to talk about his day. It would not be optimal to leave him for prolonged periods regularly.

With your DS needing significantly more supervising than age expectations because of his needs, have you applied for DLA?

Most secondary school kids make their own way home and let themselves in. They don't need baby minding. Schools don't even monitor it.

My kids did that (one has ADHD) but you know best if your child can do this.

In year 7 it’s normal to leave children at home on INSET days/school holidays while a parent works. Ideally not 5 days a week but many kids will be home alone 5 days a week.

If ex is pushing you to work full time because of Child Maintenance then how much you earn is irrelevant. CM is a percentage of what he earns (if you have majority contact) and he’d pay the same whether you earned £1 or £1m.

They put a hand through a windowpane this summer when dysregulated. And I was there. And had to stop bleeding and we had to go to minor injuries.

I wouldn't be leaving this child home alone at all until I was sure they’d be safe.

If you don't feel that your child is capable of being left alone after school - would something like Koru kids be an option where you live? They employ students etc to work as afterschool babysitters.
https://www.korukids.co.uk/find-childcare/after-school-nannies

You said that you also have an 8 year old - so what are your plans for them?

Mine did get home by herself on the bus when she started secondary school but most days there was someone here when she got home.
I think 1-2h is ok at that age but 3-4 is too long.
Depending on the child too of course

Absolutely not! That’s neglect. It’s not the bloody 1980s! An 11yr old does not have the ability to make critical decisions in a crisis and more importantly, is much more easily manipulated & influenced by someone with ill intent.
I realise most of us walked home by that age but not these days. The UK population has increased by more than 13 million since the 80s and with that extra 13 million people, comes more predators & the like.

I’d rather be called paranoid/over protective than be bereaved, frankly.

Forgive my ignorance re family law and marriage/not, but good God you've sacrificed your career to raise children who are also his. Surely your OH sees this and should be paying the difference? Are we that disadvantaged under law?

In regards of their personality I have holes in walls, stab marks from knife in sofas ( when dad looked after them) to list just a couple of things.

No, you can't leave this child on their own for 4 nights a week. But you know that already OP.

I think it depends on the child.

My dd started secondary in September. The first week she continued going to my parents on "my days" but she decided she wanted to try coming home and starting her homework instead. She gets home about 330 and I get in anytime from 515-545. She often takes herself to the junior gym session at the local sports centre after school as there aren't really any clubs etc at school she is interested in.

Dd is quite happy being left, but she is wise way beyond her years. I also have a good support network locally.

My next door neighbour is housebound and very much like a sister to me so dd knows to go there if worried. My parents are at the opposite end of the village and she is able to walk there or call them if something worries her. My mate whonisnlike a brother is also just down the road, he finishes work at 3 and is home by 345 so is olalso on call if needed.

When you say you will be moving, will it be within a similar area or somewhere completely new?

How does the suspected ASD display?

There are lots of things to consider, I don't think it is as straightforward as "he is 11 it will be fine".

It is very much about individual circumstances and the individual child.

I have dsd and dss via dd's dad. Although we are not together they will always be my dsc. However, dss was only just capable of being left alone at 16. He was nowhere near ok at 11. Dsd probably OK from about 13.

My eldest child is 15 with asd and I wouldn't leave her home alone for that amount of time, for 1 I don't think her anxiety would handle it 2, it wouldn't cross her mind to get food/a drink.
My middle daughter is 12 and I'd be okay leaving her until around 6.