33, married to OH of 5 years who is 39. We have good stable jobs, own house etc. We live a good & happy life.
I really cannot decide whether I want to have a child or not though. I'm so very jealous of people who know 100% whether they do or don't. I feel like I've been in limbo with the decision for years. I've given us next year to decide either way, as OH is 40 in 10 months time and me 34 and although I know OH says he is happy with whatever we decide, I also know he doesn't want to be much older than 40/41 as a first time Dad which I understand.
I can picture our life with a child, I really can and I know OH would be a wonderful Dad, but I also know we would have a great life without. I do worry though that I'll get to 50 and regret my decision to not have kids, & this is what scares me most, the potential loneliness. And I worry that my life will lack some meaning/substance without having a child.
I've never been particularly maternal, babies terrify me if I'm being honest and I struggle to picture myself pregnant. I know my Mum wasn't maternal either though but I have a great relationship with her and we do loads together, so I try not to let that taint my decision. On the other hand, I can picture the 3 of us living in our home and having that unconditional love/bond that Mum & child experience.
I really do not know how to even contemplate making a final decision either way. I don't think I will receive much help either if we do have a child in terms of grandparents etc, as my Mum works full time in a high position and would never not work full time, my Dad also works full time and my step-mum's health isn't the best to they couldn't really help out reliably either. I guess this is what also makes my decision harder. I'm an only child too.
Has anyone else been in this position? Do you have any advice? I know this doesn't really fit this thread exactly, but let's go with:
YABU - I think you shouldn't have kids
YANBU - I think you should at least try and see what happens over the next year
Thank you!