I REALLY can't decide whether to have a child or not - HELP

I was on the fence about having kids and leaning towards not having them. My period was late and I did a pregnancy test thinking “oh shit what am I going to do?” The test was negative though and I found myself disappointed. Thats how I knew it was important to me to have kids and we started trying straight away.

I’m not maternal and I found baby stage and maternity leave hard. It is still hard because we have no family support but on the whole I’m happy I had a child. But I’m still only a few years into the parenting journey and I have a child that doesn’t currently doesn’t have additional needs. I am also pretty certain that one is my limit. So if you have kids, it doesn’t need to be two or more, it can be one child if that is the right balance for you.

You can’t have kids based on the hypothetical future. You might have a great relationship with your future kids, or you might not. You need to go into it not knowing how it’ll turn out and being ok with that.

Don’t have them unless you NEED to. Like, if you don’t feel that biological urge that you MUST have kids, don’t do it. It’s fucking hard and it could ruin your life. I’m not being dramatic. You could have twins, or triplets; you could have a baby with complex additional needs. You need to think of every scenario not just the perfect image of a perfect baby like something out of an advert.

If you’re not certain you want DC, don’t.

DH and I were together for 12 years and didn’t want DC before he suggested having them after we got married. It suddenly seemed like a good idea and we’re happy we have our 11yo. We weren’t sure whether or not to have a second, so we didn’t.

this is what scares me most, the potential loneliness. And I worry that my life will lack some meaning/substance without having a child

Take these parts out of it and that will lighten the load a bit. You don’t have kids to prevent loneliness in old age - we never see DH’s family! You’ve got to just be in the present and hopefully the future will look after itself that way.
Also it’s perfectly possible to have a rich and fulfilling life with and without kids, just like it’s possible to be miserable bastard whether you have kids or not.

I NEEDED my children so maybe like others say, if you can’t decide, maybe that’s your answer.

I completely agree with everyone saying that children aren't a prerequisite for a meaningful life, that not having them is an equally valid choice and that no one should have a child because they feel societal pressure to.

However, I disagree with the people saying that you should be 100% certain before having a child. I think that some personalities are much more likely to feel 100% certain about things than others, but that doesn't mean they're actually better suited to them. I had ambivalences around having children and while some of those were 'solved' by suffering multiple miscarriages before having my first, in others that only made it all the more complicated. I was certainly never 100% certain about it. However, having them was the best thing I've ever done and I have never felt a moment of regret since.

In my personal, anecdotal experience all the women I know who have felt the most regret and disappointment in motherhood were '100% certain' about it first - by which they meant they had very idealised views of it and hadn't really considered the reality. I think if you're a person who tends to overthink it's normal and natural to not be absolutely certain about a decision as huge, life-shaping and irreversible as parenthood and that's just being pragmatic and realistic, not a sign that it must not be for you.

Don't do it OP. I felt like you, had DC and do regret it if I'm honest (would never admit that to anyone who knows them IRL). Honestly, my life was just so much better beforehand. I now realise I had them because I felt pressure from friends/family / society but I had a brilliant life and nothing was "missing".

Now everything is drudgery, my personality has changed for the worse as I'm basically living on adrenaline and cortisol from DC's behaviour, we have far less expendable income, my body will never be the same (in terms of illness and physical capability, not just looks), I find my DC's personality very difficult, DH and I argue a lot more, we are constantly stressed from the demands of DC. My career has also dropped off a cliff as I couldn't manage it alongside parenthood (still work full time, just can't prioritise work at all any more). All of my relationships have suffered if I'm honest, so in that sense my life has less meaning than it did before, as now it's only about DC, whereas before I had close relationships with my parents, siblings, friends, extended family, colleagues, etc. I also had time to volunteer for a couple of charities but all that has stopped.

Definitely don't do it to avoid future loneliness - no guarantees of that at all - kid could emigrate, could be rubbish or you might just not get on all that well.

Do you feel excited about the idea of bringing up a child? Helping to care for them, nurture their interests, shape them into the adult they will become etc.

Does it make you feel happy and excited to think of things like seeing their first steps, their first nativity, playing 'Santa' etc.

Day to day life with young children can be monotonous and stressful but I find the above things brilliant and this gets me through the tougher aspects.

If you found out tomorrow that you were infertile, and it was completely off the table how would you feel?

I'd say that considering your support network is sensible. It's not something that is easy to do without a good support network, so don't minimise that aspect of it. Also, the societal pressure is absoutely huge. It's woven in to everything all around us and we are ingesting that from the day we are born, as women especially. It's a huge huge pressure, but if you can get to what's going on behind that you might find your answer.

I have several really happily child free people in my friends group, coupled and single and their lives have no less meaning or purpose than my own, and in lots of ways they are freer to create greater purpose and meaning.

I know more people with kids that feel alienated (often single mums) than I do people without kids. It's easier to have a social life and hobbies without kids. That's just one side of it.

I have several friends who were on the fence about having a DC. All eventually had at least one (some two or three). There are women who regret having a DC, but many more are glad they did. No one can tell you what to do though OP. I've never had any real help from either set of parents and I don't regret my kids at all - but then I always knew I wanted them so I wasn't in your position.

This article might be interesting as it's about a couple exploring, with a therapist, the exact dilemma you're facing:

www.thetimes.com/magazines/the-sunday-times-magazine/article/should-we-have-kids-baby-decision-coach-hcdjrcpfx

Archive link if you don't have a Times subscription:

https://archive.is/nUgoE

I'd say that, if you're ambivalent, best not to. If you regret it, only you suffer. If you go for it and later regret it (can't cope, lack of sleep, kids are particularly demanding, money worries, stress on relationship etc etc etc) then the kids suffer as well with long term negative effects and that's not fair on them.
Have you got niblings you can nurture instead?

If you're not sure, then don't.

Plenty of shit parents out there already who shouldn't have had children. Just enjoy your life as you are :)

If you do decide to have a baby - then having just one and done is my recommendation!

You may find this an interesting read OP

Should we have kids? We asked America’s ‘baby decision coach’

www.thetimes.com/article/840fceab-16cc-48f2-b8f8-2b1dda3d42ce?shareToken=5fbb01ea2f1cb5aedab098777a254a5d

Adult children do not prevent loneliness in later life
my mil has two shit kids who don’t give a shit about her they a call once every few months , never initiate a call ! Forget her birthday never visit
have a child because you want to be a parent and have no expectations of what they bring you

I wasn't particularly maternal but we decided to have 1, then another! I was vvv lucky in that my dds were very easy & I had v easy pregnancies & births. But others' experiences are not like mine. It's tiring in the early days which is what i found the hardest but now they're older they're fantastic company & independent, I can't imagine life without them

I reeeeeeally wanted kids, and yet sometimes wonder “what if”. If you don’t DEFINITELY want them, you might resent your choices (financial obligations, juggling childcare (particularly school hols), career roadblocks, damage to your body, stress on your marriage, etc).

Many people do not have family support on tap. And have to pay for every night out and regular childcare and build swap networks with other parents.

If you have good incomes then paying for childcare might be ok (including nights out etc)

Otoh you can have a great life without kids
You do not need your own child for a fulfilling life.

And The only way to avoid having a child with any kind of disability or special need or health issues on their life is to not have a child. Have a child then you have to be prepared for any eventuality. Not all issues can be prenatally diagnosed.

You may decide one way or another in next few years. You should have time

I haven’t ever considered that it’s lucky to have a clear preference as to whether you want children or not, that’s an interesting perspective - thank you.

I do think it helps to have a group of friends without children if you do choose that life. Not to sit around congratulating yourselves or bitching about “breeders”, but because it’s good to have times when you’re not the odd one out and won’t suddenly find yourself being asked to speak on behalf of your people.

Children do not make you less lonely. You may be nc with them in 20 years time
So much you can do without them!

If you found out you were pregnant tomorrow how would you feel? Would you consider termination?

I didn't know if I wanted kids or not but then got accidentally pregnant. The pregnancy didn't work out, but it taught me that I did want children after all. I got pregnant again a couple of months later and had DD who is the light of my life.

It doesn’t matter what other people think. You have to discover what you, deep down and honestly, think. You may need a therapist to do this.

No.
Full stop.
😁

Agree that if you’re on the fence it’s better not to. Having a child can be wonderful but it’s hard work and restricts your other options in many ways. If you’d never been sure then it would be easy to feel regretful or resentful of this.

Hmmm, this is one time when it’s far better to regret not doing something than doing it. Far and away better to regret not having a child, than have them and potentially wreck their lives as well as your own. IMO. There is so much to recommend a child-free life as well as to recommend parenthood, and I’m afraid no one can make this decision for you op.

I've just re read my post.
I'm struck that one of my main reasons was that I might regret it if I didn't.
And that is about me and what I wanted , not about loving and bringing up a child
As others have said , it should be about positively wanting a child and not about worrying about yourself and future regrets.
I feel I've brought another person into the world and not brought them up in a good enough way
It's not a feeling I'd recommend.