I REALLY can't decide whether to have a child or not - HELP

A lot of people saying if you aren't 100% sure you shouldn't. And I do respect that position.

However, I didn't want DC, DH convinced me. I thought knew children are smelly, dirty, time-consuming, sleep-depriving, expensive and often not who you want them to be.

In our case, my realism was great. DD was indeed a non-sleeping monster who ruined my sleep forever However, she is also the best person I have ever met, and the joy I feel being her mum was surprising. People who desperately want children are often the other way around. They know the love will be there and aren't thinking about the cost, both emotional and financial.

The one thing I would say is that DH has always done a LOT of housework, admin and support. If yours is even slightly sexist, even a little bit lazy, even a tiny bit of an arsehole, don't do it.

@Atacrossroads25 If in doubt, don’t.

If you were to have a sweet natured, biddable, easy child, it will be very different to a difficult child- Which will really curtail your activities.

Relationships change after children as well- It’s a lottery.
Don’t have a child for “ companionship “ in old age!
Get a cat or dog for that.

I probably have two of the easiest DC in the world, work hard at school, caring, responsible, etc. It is still the hardest, most draining, relentless thing I have ever done.

The responsibility and continual support required to be a good parent is huge, particularly as they get older. If you are on the fence the answer should be no.

I haven't voted. I had my one child, decided I didn't want more (lots of reasons why) and I am not interested in other people's children unless they are family. So...not that maternal. I think if I had my time again I probably wouldn't have bothered. But it's a deeply personal choice which only you and your DH can decide, not for randoms on the internet. All I'll say is, if you want your life to be changed forever and focused on a little human instead of solely on you and your husband, go for it.

I agree you don’t need to be 100% certain, like others I am never 100% about any decision as I can always see the opposite point of view or risks of anything!!

However I do think for this you need to be 90% sure and OP doesn’t sound anywhere near that.

Picture your life in 10 years' time... what do you want to be doing? If the thought of not having children around then saddens you, then maybe explore that more mentally? Likewise, what does your partner picture? But a few words of caution: don't have them for any other reason than you want to give a child of yours a fantastic life and you can't wait to be a parent/family. Don't do it because you're worried you'll be lonely, or as a result of a perceived societal obligation. Don't have one unless you know you want one for the right reasons. Best of luck with it.

I think some people have really super strong instincts and that is how they make decisions. Whereas others are more in their head

Take house buying - lots of people on here will talk about how they just knew/had a feeling about the right house. I was not like that at all - we had a budget and a list of requirements methodically worked through, once we found a house that ticked them all, we offered.

I was never sure and tied myself up in knots worrying about regretting either decision. I've never been maternal but eventually took the plunge, although I was really worried about everyone saying you shouldn't do it unless your 1000% sure - but I've never been sure about anything! The first few weeks of pregnancy I was devastated and thought I'd made a huge mistake. Managed to get through that with support from DH and the GP, had my baby 5 weeks ago and my GOD I wish I could've known how much I'd love him. I'm sure I'll have moments in the next few years where I think about how much easier a childfree life would be, but for me it's been the best thing I've ever done. I do think my views would be different if I didn't have such an amazing DH who has been the most supportive partner since day 1. I couldn't do it without him, he's been an absolute rock.

I second guess and overthink basically everything, it's just the way I am. Every single major life decision, I have angsted about both ways, I have never been 100% of anything really. All of my decisions are taken without certainty

This is a good point - I am exactly the same. I would never do anything at all if I had to be certain. I also don't get how anyone can be sure about having children when they have no way of knowing what it's like. Surely nobody can have children if this is the required level of certainty.

Don't do it.

Children are wonderful but absolutely all-in intensive, and it'd be fucking hard work if you didn't really, really want them.

You sound happy with your lot. Don't worry about loneliness - children aren't a guarantee you won't be lonely anyway, anything could happen, they might all end up living on the opposite side of the world to you, or busy with their own families, or anything at all. You can fill your life in other ways.

I always knew I wanted my own family but met DH later in life so I did question whether it was the right thing to do however we went for it and DS is the absolute light of our lives. Few observations from my experience:

• I wasn't 100% sure but was more sure than not
• I don't generally like children. Your own is a whole different ballgame
• I hated being pregnant
• Being a mum brings a sense of contentment and belonging that I've never had from anything else
• We feel constantly tired running after a 2 year old but don't regret it for a minute
• We decided to have one child and haven't wavered on that - everything we have goes into him
• We both still have time for our own hobbies albeit less than before DS

I was not maternal at all, never interacted naturally with other peoples kids etc. But I have always known I wanted children.
Never had a doubt that it would all come naturally with my own child and it did.
I really went in with my eyes fully open as to how hard it would be, I expected many sleepless nights and tantrums and exhaustion and loneliness and its all of those things. I also don't really anticipate it getting easier, as you have to learn to parent them at all their different ages and stages.
You need to be able to put yourself last a lot, and that can be really hard.
You also need to expect that your children might not be there for you when you're older, so this might not cure your loneliness fear at all! My husband for example lives half way across the world from his parents, so he hardly ever sees them.
I think you can't really know how incredibly challenging it is to raise a child until you have them and you need to expect the worst and think about how you would manage that, how would it affect your relationship, your freedom, your finances, your health.
That being said, I love being a mother, I adore my daughter and cherish every moment because I know in the future I won't get to spend time with her like this.
But I am very much of the opinion that if you don't really want children, you probably shouldn't have them.
Because you have to love them and care for them and do your best for them, even if they're absolute nightmares.
Like someone else said, it's hard enough parenting when you desperately wanted your children, I can't imagine how feelings of regret and resentment might creep in if you weren't that sure in the first place.
Time is on your side though, and if you've given yourself a year to make the decision then I agree with others that you should try to have some counselling to help.
I would say that your husband sounds a bit ambivalent - is he aware of the realities of having a child? You both need to really want a child if you're going to go ahead.

I have them but if I knew what it involved (particularly the horrible teenage years) then I wouldn’t have bothered. Ruined my relationship too as it does for a lot of couples. It’s not without risk.

Honestly I didn't know if I wanted to either. Then a surprise happened and I can't imagine my life without my baby. The bond is wonderful. However it is hard work and we don't have help too. Some days are really difficult.

What is it about a baby that terrifies you? Can you expand on that?

I am someone who was never particularly "good" with kids - never that interested in other people's kids. And I found having a baby pretty tough in the early part of it. But life with an older child (now aged 6) I do really enjoy. I love the chat and the laughter, and the innocence. When she is happy, I feel happy. I feel satisfied in a way I couldn't put my finger on before. She's great company. I wouldn't be without her. But I'm happy with one.

On the certainty point - I think this is a very personal thing

I second guess and overthink basically everything, it's just the way I am. Every single major life decision, I have angsted about both ways, I have never been 100% of anything really. All of my decisions are taken without certainty.

There are posters who got married within a month of meeting their partner because they "just knew" - that's just not me.

You can apply logic to looking at the pros and cons but this is not only a logical decision it is an emotional one.
Maybe ask yourself different questions.
How would I feel if I was told tomorrow that I couldn’t have children?
Can I imagine life with a terrible two, a teenager etc?
I absolutely wanted children but found the early years hard.

You have plenty of time. At 33 I was having a fantastic time, lots of travel with work, lovely holidays etc etc. I had my first child at 38. I have 3 - they are my absolute world and I couldn't imagine my life without them

I totally get the logic that you shouldn't have one unless you're sure but I don't think I agree. I was on the fence did it out of FOMO basically and I am so glad I did. Just had the one and honestly he's no bother really. First couple of years were intense but since then he's been a total pleasure and I am so happy I listened to my instincts on this one.

I agree with this

It’s better to live with the regret of not having a child than for you and a child to live with the regret (however well hidden) that you did have one.

Thought I would add that the older childfree couples I know are all very happy and live amazing lives, full of friends, adventure, wider family and hobbies. Not boring or lonely at all! Bear in mind that lots of GPs are now expected to provide childcare so you could well be signing up for parental-type responsibilities for the next 30-40 years!

OP this is a very difficult decision - my comments on the issue may not be helpful because in my opinion -

it’s a blessing to have a child BUT

It’s a blessing to be childless

BOTH these lifestyles could leave you feeling #blessed, yes in the post - 2010 social media sense !!

One thing I DO feel strongly about from your post though -

if I were you I WOULDN’T let the fact that your parents can’t be ‘hands on’ and the fact that you’re an only child influence your decision to have a baby. This is because -

1. if you decided to have a baby, you absolutely CAN cope and can do it all, girl - without family help
2. Let’s say your circs were different and you had a mum and dad chomping at the bit to help and your mum was even willing to give up her full time job and work part time to help you - and you had a plethora of siblings able to help on top of this ! - thing is - this situation could change at any time and for any reason - you wouldn’t want to be reliant on them/take them for granted anyway

So either having OR not having children can lead to a great life OP - but personally I would absolutely NOT let your feelings of lack of familial support be an influencing factor

good luck with your decision!

If you’re in two minds about it then don’t. Wait until you’re 100% sure you want a child.

I think it sounds like she doesn't want them just worries about future loneliness or regretting it. As others have said, rather regret not doing than doing and if you have reservations perhaps not to as there is no undo button.