I REALLY can't decide whether to have a child or not - HELP

Same here. I posted earlier. My only regret is not starting sooner as I would have gone on to have more. As it was we stopped at 2 because we had two healthy children and I was over 40.

I have no doubt that if I had tossed the dice the other way and not had children I would have been content and blissfully unaware of what might have been.

Another factor I've not seen mentioned is that the child rearing years are only a fraction of life. I was 37 years without children and 18 /20 years parenting. Since then a new phase of freedom and retirement albeit enhanced by my adult children.

I’m very happily childfree! I doubted myself for many years because I actually love children, but working with them every day I found that I didn’t envy their parents one little bit. I like my quiet relaxing evenings and weekend lie-ins and spontaneous lifestyle too much. Turning 40 has been a relief because even though I know it could perhaps still happen if I’m not careful, I do feel like I’m ‘off the hook’.

I had DD in my late 30s, was undecided whether I wanted kids before that, now I couldn’t imagine my life without her and wish I’d started earlier and had 4 of them.

Whether it’s worth doing depends a lot on your support network. I have a supportive DH, four fit and able supportive grandparents, and the financial means to delegate (e.g. we’ve got a cleaner). This means I’ve maintained a semblance of pre-kid life.

Do not dream of having a child if you are not sure.
Of course having children does not suddenly mean your life has meaning.
The childless people I know are very content.

THIS
If in doubt, go without???????? Maybe???????

This.

Honestly, don't have a child due to loneliness! I did and my child is profoundly disabled. There's no guarantee of a healthy child, and even if you had one, its not their job to ease your loneliness. They may move abroad or be a completely different personality type. I worked in care homes and saw many elderly people whose families never bothered to visit.

Find fulfilment in other ways. I have.

Really don't OP

I was speaking to a friend the other day and we both agreed, that if we had known in our twenties what we know now, neither of us would have had children. My biological clock is pretty aggressive so theoretically I would likely have always found a way to have them and I love children, I really do, I'd happily have a dozen...but not in this current world. I think I was unbelievably selfish to bring children into this current world as it is. A world which is currently so unequal even renting a one room flat space is a massive financial cost.

Also having children immediately changes you. If you are a woman who ever suffers with anxiety etc children exaggerate that, as you have concern for them too. Forever.

If you don't feel a strong biological drive, I'd leave it.

I personally think it depends on your relationship too. I think we would have been quite bored without children, not me but my husband. If I wasn't going to have them I should have married someone much more footloose. My (wonderful) husband was born for a life duty and servitude to a bunch of snotty little gremlins 😃

Sorry, haven't rtft, but this helped me when I was undecided therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

That's funny (not the colic part, I'm sure it was awful) but I was going to say in my comment about babies with colic or not sleeping and forgot. I can imagine after getting through that anything else feels like an improvement 🙈

I'm just not actually sure that this is a proven fact - that being 100% certain protects you from regret, and that not being certain is a sign you'll be resentful of the reality. As I said, all the most resentful mothers I know are those who were very certain that it was going to be the best thing ever (and the very most are those who thought it was going to fix their problems...). Someone upthread talked about 'needing' a child, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. Deciding it's the right decision for you from a point of ambivalence, genuinely considering the pros and cons and then deciding to take a leap of health just seems so much more healthy to me than bringing into the world a child that you expect to fulfil a need.

If you aren't 100% sure I would give it a miss tbh. Babies are hard work, and while they can be wonderful, parenting is often a hard slog and you have to give up a lot.

It's not a door I would open unless you want dc with all your heart.

Hmmm. I 'put it off' for years despite marrying young. I wasn't opposed to having children, but just wasn't a super maternal person who dreamt about being a mum, plus we had a lovely life as we were. At 37 we had a 'it's now or never' conversation and agreed to try. If I'm really honest I wasn't 100% convinced I wanted to, but thought I'd let nature decide, half-thinking I'm too old it'll never happen anyways.

Those first 6 months of trying with no luck - the disappointment each time I got my period - made the decision for me, yes I actually did want a child! Not advocating this as a method for deciding, but offering it as a slight counter-balance to the 'if you're not 100% sure' comments, as I definitely wasn't 100% sure before I tried. I was, however, a huge over-thinker (still am!) who almost talked herself out of it.

Anyway, I was very lucky and eventually conceived and had a healthy baby at 38 and I've never regretted it. Parenting isn't easy, but my DC has brought so much love and joy into my life and - having left it late - I truly appreciate what a privilege it is to be a parent. If we hadn't tried I'm honestly not sure how I'd feel about it now at almost 50. I'd have had a lot more holidays and me-time, maybe I'd have bought a second home by now, but I certainly don't regret not doing/having those things.

It’s a difficult one because life with a kid changes a lot and you don’t have the freedom. However the joy of them wrapping their hands around you and telling they love you, there just are no words to describe that unconditional love. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I’ve been doubting whether to have a second one, and as I’m not sure so that’s a no though.

Does anyone else regret having children? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/781410-Does-anyone-else-regret-having-children

The older I get, the more I think there aren't right or wrong decisions (in most on dangerous situations obv) just different choices. Neither decision would be right or wrong, either way you could end up happy or unhappy.
Not massively helpful perhaps but I wouldn't be looking for someone else to tell me what to do in this situation. I think you have to make the best decision you can based on how you feel most strongly at the time, then not beat yourself up about it.

It’s funny, we all have different experiences, my DC when they were a baby was a colicky nightmare. Much prefer toddlerhood!

I spent ten years like this. It was awful and I sympathise. I once took the morning after pill and folic acid on the same day. That was the least of it though really. I went through all sorts.

I didn't have a child in the end. I'm now 51 and it was the right decision.

Check out the thread 'to regret having children'. I'll post it in a moment. I contributed to it at the time and found it very helpful.

Life goes past very quickly. Don't do something you won't be able to undo, if you value your freedom.

Isn’t the difference between having a happy life and a good relationship and being absolutely sure you do want kids, and having those things but not being absolutely sure? Because you might resent the loss of your childfree life more if you are in the latter position?

I also don't understand what the options are if you shouldn't have kids if you have a happy life and a good relationship because you might 'blow it up' - surely no one advocates for having children in a situation where you're miserable and the relationship couldn't get any worse anyway? Is it just that no one at all should have children, ever?

I'm both childless and childfree so I have a mixed bag of sentiments about it all but the one thing parents have always told me is that you shouldn't do it unless you're 100%, because it's essentially a load of dull, exhausting work and only worth it because you wanted to do it.

My mum was also a person who shouldn't have had kids, as was her mum before her. Both of them had no choice in the matter (whether because there was no contraception or because society really made it difficult for women to choose otherwise than to have kids). Being raised in a 2-generation cycle of trauma really made me think twice about it, as did having to raise my younger siblings from a very young age.

My life is really peaceful and quiet and I can genuinely say that I have never, not even for one single second, thought, "this moment would be so much better with a couple of children here". If anything, more often than not I console myself that no matter how hard my day has been, at least when I get home I'm not answerable to anyone else!

It's your decision but my advice to the non-decided is always to maintain the status quo. The impact of being raised by an indifferent, resentful, alcoholic mum has left me with very deep scars (and we no longer speak).

I think this is really unfair. OP hasn't been particularly idyllic/rosy-tinted about having children. The things she says she pictures are living with and loving the child, which hardly seem like crazily unrealistic dreams to have.

Your whole rationale for having a child seems to be based on some idyllic dream/Disney film. If your life is happy and comfortable now, I suggest you don't blow it up. You also don't really know that your DH will make an amazing dad. He might be an amazing husband but the two things don't always follow. Why on earth should you be unfilled in your 50's because you haven't got children? They'll be grown up by then anyway and if you think they're going to care for you in your old age I'd think again.

I haven’t voted, because only you can decide, and it’s ok to keep putting it off. I did, and I found that the cons stacked up more strongly as time went on- basically because life got nicer and more comfortable, and the things I wasn’t prepared to give up grew more significant. In the end I decided at about 38 that as I wasn’t moving on from “not now”, that turned the decision into “not ever”. 11 years on, I have only one regret, and that is that being childfree is still unusual among the people I know, and that has left me quite isolated. But I don’t regret my decision- more that I was the only one who made it.
Good luck, OP. You’re absolutely right to be so cautious. It’s the biggest and most difficult one you’ll ever make.