I REALLY can't decide whether to have a child or not - HELP

I read a poem on MN once about someone who was really in love with their partner (sorry can't remember who it was from) and it resonated with me about children too, and I've written this for myself:
"If I had 3 lives to live, I would have you all the same in 2.
And on the 3rd, I would travel the world, make all my wishes come true. Lie on a beach in the Maldives with a cocktail in one hand and a different man next to me each night. I would achieve all the accolades on the career ladder that I know I could, and buy me all the things that afforded me. I would wake up late on Sundays ans spend all day in bed with no schedule to follow. Then, I would fall asleep at night wondering if I would ever find love like yours."

This!
Becoming mum is the best thing I've ever done but 100% the hardest!
If you don't know you really want it, don't do it!
ETA: for years I wasn't certain myself of o wanted a child, I knew all the difficulties it would bring me and our family in my personal circumstances, but at some point something clicked and I KNEW I wanted to be a Mum. You Need to find the answer in yourself.

Really well said.

OP I already have a child (very happy and planning more) but I've been reading the book "What Are Children For: On Ambivalence and Choice" which is actually specifically about why a lot of women these days don't feel truly sure either way. It really resonated with me as someone who had a full and happy life for a while before I had my first at 32. The pressures on modern women aren't the same as they were in the olden days and the book goes through a lot of them in quite a thoughtful way (which remains open to the idea that you might decide no).

It’s not just about having a baby though is it. It’s also about having a toddler, a small child, a teenager and an adult.

I was the same!

I decided not to, because I was so unsure, and now I couldn't be happier.

I love my freedom, spontaneous events, and have a full and lovely life. I don't think I'd have been happy having to sacrifice so much.

A couple of friends regret having their kids, as much as they love them.

I really, really disagree with the very trendy idea these days that "if you aren't sure, the answer is no". People act like it's still the 1950s where women were pressured to have children, so any niggling doubts must be a sign that you truly deeply don't want kids.

But it's a decision unlike any other. It's not just like deciding whether to be a nurse or a payroll officer, or whether to go camping or to the beach. It's something which is very primal but also mimetic, in both directions: the urge to have them grows stronger if your friends start having them, but also never gets a chance to blossom if none of your friends do. So it remains as this unformed vague desire which is stunted and unable to take concrete shape, not helped by constant cries of "only have them if you're Truly Sure".

You'll never be Truly Sure, and sitting with a pro and con list and a spreadsheet will certainly not get you there.

My strong, opinionated advice is just decide the answer is "yes" and go down the path as if you're definitely going to have them. Get excited about baby clothes and ask to hold your friends' babies and read TTC books and just sit with that for a bit and see if your gut feels like you're going in the right direction. If you recoil, fine - there's your answer - but "do nothing" (which is effectively what people are advising when they say "wait until you're sure) is what got you into this confusing limbo in the first place.

YABU

you need to be two feet in (both of you) to give a baby a good life in my opinion.

Don’t do it

Thank you for your honesty

Excellent advice from @Panticus

I also realised that there'd be times when I'd regret having them, just as there are times now when I regret not having them. (Too late for me now.)

However, the times when I regret not having them are far fewer and less intense than I feared they would be.

As I said before, life passes so quickly. It's a lot of your life to invest if you're not sure, and it's not like the old days when you wave them off at 18, job done.

I wish you peace, OP. It's an agonising decision and the relentless social pressure of how fulfilling it all is - it's not helpful.

As pp have said- if you're not 100% certain, don't have children.

I definitely did want children (I've two; I had them when I was 34 and 37). I would feel bereft without them - it's opened up a whole new world of fun and friendships and enriched my life in ways I could not have previously imagined

But only you can make that decision. What about your DH? How strongly does he feel? Would he leave to find another partner to have kids with if you decided not to?

No one can really tell you, OP. But the best and most joyful part of my life are my two children. But I wanted them very much. I would have had another if I could (I couldn’t). I adore them as people, the older they get, too, so it wasn’t just the squidgy baby phase that I loved. Their company is pure magic to me and I love being a mum.

I don’t know how it would be if I didn’t want kids and had them anyway… it is very, very hard work.

You should only choose to have children if you know you want them with 100% certainty.

No-one can make this decision for you.

Do you have friends with young children that you could spend time with, and see how you feel in response?

I know that when I spend time with nephews and niece that I end up with feelings of regret that OH and I weren't able to have our own child. But you may feel relieved that you get to say goodbye and get your peace and order back.

OP, whichever way you go, this is key to making peace with your decision. For me, I found it very helpful to frame it in this light - i.e. there is no right or wrong path and both options will come with regrets. That makes me sound a bit 'glass half empty' but I don't mean it in a negative way - more in the sense that it takes some of the pressure off trying to work out what is the 'best' path. (FWIW, I am childfree and happy with my decision).

I agree

But I could make a long, long, long list of the things I didn’t do because I had children.

I’ve read that, in old age, what people regret most are the things they didn’t do, much more than anything they did do.

I can understand this.

Also OP you have to think about whether you end up with twins, or a child with a serious disability that needs lifelong 24/7 care. It happens. People have to give up their jobs and can be pushed into poverty, marriages end, unless you are really gung ho about having a child and feel that intense urge, have the time and resources and everything to provide, it's just not worth the risk. Every child deserves to be born to someone who desperately wanted them. I agree with people who say it can ruin your life. I would check out the subreddit regretfulparents for an insight.

Honestly, if you don't definitely want one, i wouldn't.

A lot of people make the best of an unplanned situation, but to actively try to conceive when you're not sure, it just sounds like performing the expected life stages as expected.
I know I wasn't planned but I've always been loved deeply. I think that's easier to live with than knowing you happened because it was the next thing on the checklist.
I'm on a waiting list to get my tubes tied, after finally getting my doctor to agree to refer me. If it's not something you actively want, or the universe shoves in your lap and you decide to make a go of, it just seems a bad idea

I was not remotely certain and so, so glad I did it. I have awful dreams where I didn't go for it, and I never met him.

Unless you are.100% certain you really both want a child -.don't have one.

I think you just aren’t ready to decide yet. Are you sure you shouldnt just take longer before ruling it out? You do have time… my DH was 45 when we had our child. You might find the decision is a lot clearer for you in 3/4 years.

I don't really agree with the 'if you're not 100pc sure then don't do it'. It's one of those things that you know in theory what it's going to be like, but in practice it's never like you imagined. There are plenty of people who had surprise pregnancies and love being a parent, and plenty of people who desperately wanted a baby and don't enjoy it at all.

Personally I think if you're unsure, it means you're a bit more realistic than a lot of people, about how hard some aspects can be. It doesn't mean it's not for you. But equally you'd find ways to have a fulfilling life if you didn't have a child.

The main thing I think that makes women unhappy when they have a child is if their partner doesn't pull their weight, or if they are financially trapped and can't leave. If your husband is the type of person that spends an hour taking a shit when there's clearing up to be done before guests arrive, or is happy sitting on the sofa watching TV while you do all the housework, and 'doesn't see' mess then he will be the type of person who 'doesn't hear' the baby and 'needs to relax' after work.

I'd recommend you talk to each other about the nitty gritty details before making a decision. How would finances work if one of you drops hours at work. Who gets up in the night if one of you has work but the other has already been woken up twice. If you both go back to work, how will nursery and school drop offs and pick ups and emergency leave to deal with sickness be shared? If one of you works part time or takes mat leave, who is responsible for housework (can be impossible or manageable for the one staying at home depending on what type of baby you get). What hobbies will you both do and how often. Would he consider sharing some mat leave so that you don't become the default parent.

That will give you an idea of what your daily life will actually look like and hopefully bring any hidden misogyny to the surface and show you whether you're creating a family or a problem

Good luck!

I was another one who felt the same way and at 36 gave into curiosity (and the belief that we most regret the things we don't do...) and decided it was now or never.

My little girl is 3 months old now and I already feel like I want 2 or 3 more - too bad it's a bit late for that! But I wouldn't have wanted to start earlier. I wasn't ready. And being realistic, I couldn't face the physical trauma of birth again - possibly ever, but at least not for a few years, so I may be one and done.

Truthfully, I'm struggling with the changes to my body. I didn't much like being pregnant. I sometimes feel panicky about my lost freedom. I couldn't care less about ever going back to my once all-consuming career. I feel like a different person in many ways. And somehow it's ok, and I wouldn't go back if I could.

You sound a bit like how I felt. I used to envy people who knew either way because I never did.
I am not maternal, not into holding babies. Never been into watching one born every minute and that kind of thing.

I got pregnant by accident in the end, kept the baby and had a hellish 3 years. I hated being a mum at first. It's great now, but it was a difficult ride. The hardest thing for me is there are no days off. I didn't realise selfish I was.

I loved doing what I wanted when I wanted, and missed it .
But I'm 7 years in now and wouldn't change my daughter. Mind you I've never wanted to do it again!
Sorry if this isn't helpful.

You can have a very happy life without kids.
However if you decide to go for it, you might love it or like me you might dislike it at first then grow to love it.
I used to hate it when people said this, because having 1 kid isn't anything like being childfree. But you CAN have 1 child and in a couple of years have a good balance between being mum and having your own life, if you have a supportive partner.
Don't let anyone tell you if you have one child you need to have more because that definitely isn't true.

I think as well you are a good age to have a baby. I was 32/33 and I think mid 30s is a good time.
Good luck with your decision x