Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

I’m not sure where the idea came from that I was suggesting taking a position of power and telling someone what to do wasn’t infantilising.

My issue is that sitting someone down to have a chat is an attempt to apply power to get them to do what you want.

Really not your problem. Alerting her about the time twice is a perfectly reasonable level of effort for you to put in and I wouldn't expect any more of you than that.

I have a neurodiverse 15yo with significant anxiety issues and occasional achool refusal who is perfectly capable of setting alarms, getting everything done and leaving for school on time with minimal parental prodding if they aren't actually in the grip of a mental health crisis on the day in question. It is not an unreasonable level of expectation for a 15yo. If this 15yo needs more chivvying then DH should set an alarm on his phone to call his DD and check on her progress 40 and 20 minutes before her expected departure time. It's not your job you have enough to deal with already.

Bonus daughter? Are you a stepparent yourself?

So you leave at 8am
She leaves 8.10
She was at least 10 minutes late... so not ready before 8.20 at earliest? And it would take you extra time...

So you and younger kids would gave been at least 30mins late?

You got her up. She's needs to take responsibility a bit.

well done! you must have been the only teenager to have always done things the first time you were asked
glad you were a fully accountable adult at 15. thats really impressive

Actions have consequences. A detention or two, and she'll learn to get to school on time.

Respect is a two way street, if DSD doesn’t get up when OP asks her to, why should OP make herself late to work and jeopardise her job?

I think that if youre going to be a step parent you should treat the child with an appropriate level of respect such as you would show your own children.
the DSD didn't ask for their parents to split up.
given that this hasn't been described as a daily argument it seems it would be a one of. and if its an ongoing issue thats a different story.

His dd is factual, it's not OP's dd. You are yet another poster who thinks step-mothers should do more for their step-children than their actual bloody fathers!

It's never a one off. Once you allow a teen to be late once for no reason they will expect it.

'his DD' weird way of putting it. yeh he's the bio parent.
youre the step parent. parent.
maybe act like it.
show some kindness. she is a child. you can be helpful and use things as a teaching moment at the same time.
im sure there are many of us adults who struggle to get up in the morning, especially with the dark mornings.
if you could have taken her then YABU to not have. you could have easily explained this is a one off.

Kids are late for school from time
To time. At 15 she should get herself up on time, if not she takes the consequence, learns from it and doesn't do it next time. No big deal.

100% NOT your problem to deal with.

Your stepdaughter is in your home because your partner is her parent.

He should be the one parenting her. You already have enough on your plate with your own children.

If he doesn’t want her to be late he should be making sure she’s up before he leaves.

At 15 she is old enough to know the consequences of her actions and she is old enough to be responsible for herself.

She is choosing not to get up so she needs to face the consequences. It is not your fault.

As long as you are treating her the same as you would your own DC at that age, then you are not doing anything wrong by DSD.

If DH is concerned, then he can make sure she is up by the time he leaves the house.

He can decide whether he wants her up before he leaves or he phones her to check she’s up. The 3rd option would be he does everything for the other 2, if he wants to put this on your plate. You both have work to get to, why the fuck does he think you should be the adult who does everything for all the kids in the house before work, even the ones that aren’t yours??
I solo parent in the morning so get 3 kids out of the house to school and childcare before work. It’s a shit role to get.

She is 15, she needs to get herself up and ready

If it was my DC o would have taken them in to work

Perhaps her Dad should wake hr at 7 when he leaves?

Wouldn't it have been easier to give her a quick wake up call when you got up yourself, so she could get up earlier? Why leave it until 10 to 8?

My children have alarms, sometimes theyl sleep through them. It doesn't take a lot of effort to pop your head around the door and give them a wake up shout as soon as it's time for them to get up.

Would you feel the same way about it if she was your own child?

at 15 the only person responsible for getting themselves somewhere on time is that person.

If you start taking away their own responsibility by knocking on their door, taking them to school in the car - they will just rely on other people instead

YANBU at all.
What time do the 2 & 4 year olds wake up? Does he do anything for them before he leaves for work eg check their nursery bags are ready, get out breakfast stuff, etc?

However this gets resolved, I'd encourage OP to be prepared for him to continue to expect her to do all the heavy lifting when it comes their own children, too.

15 year olds respond really well to incentives. If you take them in when they get up late, that is a massive incentive to get up late. If they get a detention, on the other hand, they probably won’t be late again.

High expectations is key, here, and that means actually believing that they can look after themselves. Some 15 year olds are already full time carers for others.

That obviously makes sense in terms of general parenting, but the added complication here (assuming it's a state school) is that the parents (potentially including OP as a person with day-to-day care of DSD, if that's how the council choose to view it) are legally responsible for getting a 15 year old to school on time.

OP might not be aware of exactly how many times DSD has been late when staying with her mum, so it may be that this is a bigger issue than just a one-off lateness incident.

Still not OP's fault and clearly a lack of communication/planning on DH's part, but it could potentially become something OP gets dragged into if things end up being escalated with the school/EWO, etc.

Her own fault! You did what you could around your 2 small DC. Talk to her tonight, make sure she gets everything ready before bed and sets an alarm. Tell DH to get off his high horse and ensure she is ready the night before and calling her phone to get her up in time himself.

Have a 15yo. They're mostly ok at getting up and getting on with it but some days need more prompting/help than others. It's absolutely parental responsibility to ensure they're at school on time imo. And rightly or wrongly your dh is leaving you in loco parentis, so yup, agree with him it's your responsibility.

But as a minimum your dh needs to start waking her up before he leaves.