Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

I am late to work just about every morning because of getting my kids out of the door and me ready. A poo as you’re about to shoo them all out to the car, a primary school student having a meltdown about something in their day, or havinf suddenly remembered something they need and didn’t mention last night. being the last to leave meaning turning all the lights off and locking doors. I wouldn’t be ok with throwing anything else into the mix, parents often live with part of their life on the edge of chaos every day when you work and have young dc.

You’re 23, right? How often have you been responsible for getting two small children and yourself up, fed, dressed & out the door independently? Or had to get a teenager who doesn’t want to be micromanaged to do something they need to do? Do you have much experience trying to figure out how to balance teaching a young person responsibility while also supporting them? Or dividing household responsibilities with a partner in a marriage?

I don’t want to dismiss you just for being young, but please consider that while the person you most relate to in this situation is probably the oversleeping teen, viewpoints and considerations shift dramatically and be come far more complex once you’re on the parent side of things.

As a parent sometimes the “kindest” thing I can do is actually let children experience low-stakes natural consequences for their choices. Being 10 minutes late for a lesson after going back to sleep twice is very much a low-stakes natural consequence for a choice.

If she is 15 and not capable of getting up and ready, then presumably she has some sort of additional needs? My 15 year old (complex SN) couldn't either but we make sure we have a system in place. who is usually there to support her?

agree with you though, she has 2 bio parents and you have your hands full. Not your job.

I think that if she's on that tight of a schedule that she can't spare 5 minutes she's not telling the whole truth, because her kids could easily delay her by that much.

I also think that being kind costs nothing.

So some people think that the OP should make herself late in order to prevent someone else from being late? 🤔

YANBU - my 15yo and my 13yo managed to get themselves up, ready and leaving on time and the most I do is knock once when I get up if they haven’t already gone down for breakfast. I don’t see how it’s any different if you’re staying at another house. If your DH wants someone to mollycoddle his dd then it needs to be him.

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo she's already responsible for it.

I did rather double down there in a way that wasn't justified, I'm sorry. It was the flavour I'd got from your post and I was initially trying to clarify, but have taken the wrong stick and run off wildly.

It's not nonsense to say that many teenagers find it harder to get up on time.

The 15yo will be off to college or uni in a few years. Making them be responsible for their own morning routine is getting them ready for adulthood. That is neither harsh nor nasty. She is 15 years old, and refusing to get up on a school day is not a mistake, it's a deliberate action. Yes, lack of action is also making a choice.

I would tell your DH that, as far as mornings and responsibilities are concerned, your cup is full and his is relatively empty.

So if he wants an adult to take responsibility for ensuring DSD is ready to go in the morning, he can get her up and ready before he leaves for work and she can sit at the kitchen table and revise/do homework until it's time for her to leave for school.

Checking back to the original comment the phrase used was “you and DH could sit down with her”.
It’s interesting your recollection interprets this in a threatening way. Please be assured this in a community forum for chat rather than an academic journal or therapeutic letter. I believe the phrase was appropriate to general parenting.
Your interpretation is interesting but maybe exploration of the comment would be better suited elsewhere, rather than derailing this thread.

@TheGrinchIsComingToTown
“Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in… I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me”

But that is what OP’s DH said, and what OP is asking here. And I am saying that no, it’s not reasonable to say OP “should” have done it (she could have if it suited her schedule and she was wanting to be extra generous) and that it is DSD’s responsibility to be up and get to school with only light assistance (two wake up calls) from adults.

There is also nothing “incredibly harsh” as said above about saving a teen from missing multiple lessons but letting them be late to one because they went back to sleep twice when they knew they needed to get up. The school is not going to flog DSC, she’s not going to fail her exams. Whatever sanction the school has for being late to one lesson is a mild natural consequence for a mild poor choice.

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo surely if a child who always gets themselves up, falls back asleep, it signals something is wrong? Perhaps she slept badly, or felt unwell?

People make mistakes. Being this harsh and nasty to someone for making a mistake is insanity.

It was incredibly harsh to not take her

Utter rubbish!

OP tried to get her up TWICE, while dealing with a 2yo and a 4yo, one of whom was having a tantrum. OP also had to get herself to work on time. The girl didn't oversleep, she was called TWICE and had plenty of time to get up and get ready, she just decided not to.

In other families, the 15yo might well have been expected to help with her two much younger half-siblings, but in this family, her only responsibility is to get herself up and ready.

It's got nothing to do with being a step-child, and everything to do with being a lazy teen whose father takes no part in his family's morning routine. Poor stepmother has to do it all.

Not your problem. When I was at school nearly all of us walked. If we were running late there was no option to be driven in...we had to face the consequences.

@GravyBoatWars but OP hasn't said anywhere that her DSD has blamed her. It was incredibly harsh to not take her

I think a lot of people are interpreting this as being a regular occurrence when OP has certainly implied this was a one off. I think not helping her is incredibly harsh, and as others have pointed out, hopefully OP will take the same approach to her own children

That was lovely of your mum. And a few weeks ago my DH very kindly dropped what he was doing and rushed me to the airport to catch a flight because I had mixed up my schedule and didn’t get a taxi scheduled.

The difference is that I (and hopefully you) are grown, responsible adults who know that it was our mistake and our responsibility to begin with. If my DH hadn’t been able or willing to do that I would have been utterly in the wrong to blame him for me missing my flight or tell my client he had made me late. Instead I understood that I had made a mistake and he was doing me a favor and bailing me out. I was also extremely grateful because I have gotten to experience the consequences of being late before.

They were all more than capable of doing both those things by the time they were teenagers and they did their fair share of the domestic tasks yes. I wouldn't cook a meal just for me and ignore the rest of the family but I'm not the only person in the house who can cook, clean, wash etc so I am not the only one that does so.
There's nothing wrong with children taking on age appropriate responsibilities and getting out of bed when your alarm goes off, washing, dressing and pouring yourself a bowl of cereal is not exactly setting the bar high for a young person in their GCSE years. In all likelihood they'll be living independently in a few years and the transition is a lot easier if they have been expected to take some responsibility for themselves previously. There's a balance to be had of course, but in my opinion, parenting teens is about supporting them into adulthood, and doing everything for them does no-one any favours.

I hope that OP and her P agree that when their kid is 15 that neither parent should make sure they get to school.

clearly if OP doesn’t want to do it P should .
but if it’s all down to this 15yo to get to school on time I hope they are as hands off with their shared kid when the time comes .

@GravyBoatWars as I've said, I've overslept before and my mum has given me a lift, at the ripe old age of 23!!

It sounds as though the step daughter gets herself to school on time everyday. A one off doesn't need to be punished.

OP did help. She woke her DSD twice. The DSD wasn’t going to miss an A level exam or an entire day of school, she was going to be moderately late for a single lesson. Letting kids face mild, proportional consequences for their behavior is an important part of their development into adults.

This teen is (hopefully) going to be in university or working a job in a few years time where there’s far less help available and consequences for not getting yourself up and where you need only get bigger, so right now they should have more responsibility and less minding than a younger child but less than an adult. Being woken twice but also having to accept school consequences for one late lesson arrival is appropriate.

Parenting means we don’t necessarily treat children and teens the way we would the adults in our lives because we’re responsible for fostering their development and growth. Natural, proportional consequences to their choices are a vital part of that.

I see it all too often nowadays - kids being told off for doing something wrong and the parents getting offended that someone dared to tell their children off, rather than backing them up or giving the child additional consequences at home.

Absolutely. And 10x this when DSC are involved.