Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

My 12&15 year olds are left home alone 2 days a week from 7:15. Usually the 12 year olds is up and getting ready. I insist I can see the 15 year old up and out of bed when I leave - or at least acknowledging she is awake. I then go to work and they get themselves to school. Maybe your DH should do this before he leaves. Makes sure she’s up at least?? Maybe ask him to do that in future?

My 12 year old leaves a good half an hour before 15 year old to meet friends. 15 year old finds it harder to get up. On my work days 15 year old pushes time boundary and I end up giving lifts. But for college next year they will have to be up and out by 7:30 which will not be fun!! lol.

Exactly! This is also how op came across to me.

I have a now 26 year old with a neurological disability and I never had to remind him to get up, remember PE kit, etc. I also have a 16 year old and again, never had to remind him to get up or remember kits. He is in boarding school now but only since Y9 so he has even less hand holding and have to be responsible for yourself.

I think it’s madness that the husband expects op to help in this way while he swans off to work, and I certainly wouldn’t be doing this with my own kids so DSD also won’t be getting this hands on treatment.

I’d tell him where to shove it and if he doesn’t like it, do it himself! it’s all well and good saying why didn’t you do this and that yet he’s not there to do any of these things. The cheek of him!

I'd be asking DH at what age he would expect her to take responsibility for herself, because putting this off isn't helping her, your other children, your job or frankly your marriage.

It's not your responsibility either, so if he feels so strongly about it, ask him to make arrangements so he can take her to school himself.

Alternatively, he could stop being a tit about it.

These are very valid points.

The oldest two of my 7 are teen DSC. I love being a step-parent, I would have been perfectly content if those were the only two we had. And I 100% see OP’s frustration here.

Step-parents sometimes get only the shite bits of parenting no one wants without any of the actual rights and authority. Saying OP needs to treat the DSC like she would a non-step child is all great and dandy, but that means OP gets to make requirements for their preparation the night beforehand, set expectations for what a teenager is expected to do independently, “get on” a teen who isn’t doing what they’re supposed to and warn them of impending consequences (and hand out those consequences when necessary) and make decisions like letting the teen be 10 minutes late to school as a natural consequence to going back to sleep twice after being woken.

Expecting a step-parent to do only the grunt work doesn’t work. It doesn’t work for the step-parent who ends up feeling like unpaid household staff to a child who knows the staff works for them, it doesn’t work for the step-children who need adults in the home to have established roles and authority, and it doesn’t work for any additional children who end up experiencing a completely different home within the home… “why do I have to do what mum says but my sister doesn’t? Why are the rules so different for me?”

If OP is going to be the parent in charge of mornings in the home then she needs to be able to set expectations for what everyone else gets done & prepped the night before and for the teen’s responsibilities getting themselves up, and then when she makes a basic parenting decision like letting a teen experience an extremely mild consequence after going back to sleep she should be backed up by her partner instead of scolded.

Yep he needs to work this one out

Just because her husband expects it doesn't mean it has to happen!

He can make sure that she has everything ready the night before.

My DH used to expect it too, mainly just when it suited him, but it’s not my responsibility.

I mean if it works for your family and it’s something you’re all happy with, that’s great. But it’s clearly not working for OP’s family as her DH does expect her to step-parent. Everyone has to be on the same page.

I don’t step-mother my teen DSC. I am an adult on the house where they often stay, but I’m not their parent and I’m not responsible for them.

No one expects me to either - there are no set step-parenting rules, families work out things in their own ways.

If that’s the case, then that’s reasonable. It’s just not how it came across to me. To me, OP sounded resentful at the fact that she’s being expected to step-mother her step-child, but I can understand if it’s simply a case of “you’re old enough to do it yourself.” If that is the case, OP needs to make that clear with SDD, DH and DH’s exW before any resentment grows.

I didn't really get that impression. I think the issue is that the OP's biological children are much younger, so she is busy in the mornings and has to be as they are too young to do much for themselves as yet. That workload is unavoidable but anything extra added by the teenager isn't. A 15 year old shouldn't need hand holding in the morning, and if she does, her Dad should be carrying at least some of the load as the OP already has a busy schedule. My children would have got short shrift if they'd expected me to remind them to take stuff to school in their mid teens and if I'd had any stepchildren they'd have been treated exactly the same. And if DH had felt more needed doing for them in the morning he'd have done it himself. The OP's husband doesn't sound to be doing anything other than criticise her.

This. I don’t even do this for my own kids who I squeezed out, let alone for a DSC! Mine are 14 & 15, and set their alarms, make their own breakfasts, pack their own lunches, pack their own PE kits on PE days, and walk themselves to the bus stop. If I see that they’ve slept in, sure, I open their doors and tell them to get up, but I’m certainly not chasing them around the house with a running checklist of what they need to do. And if DH expected me to do this, I’d tell him to leave for work later—he can chase them around like a walking checklist if he wants to; I’m certainly not doing it.

At 15 I was getting the train to school 😬

This isn't about the fact that she's a stepchild though. It's about her being old enough to learn some personal responsibility. Fair enough to impart that lesson regardless of whether someone is a stepchild or a bio child.

But this is always how it goes when stepparenting issues are aired in AIBU (and quite often on the stepparenting board too, tbh). A pp upthread commented that a stepparent has 'no rights' which is clearly the view of many, but this thread certainly shows that in lots of people's eyes that despite their having 'no rights' it's still fine to use stepparents as parenting workhorses and upbraid them for any perceived failure to coddle the stepchild. The double standards are quite something.

This is it. I think it’s fair enough to not drop her to school if she’s running late if that’s how you’d treat your own children as teenagers (lesson learnt and all that - I’m here for it). However, OP’s posts make it sound like the issue is more because she’s the step daughter and OP has “her own” children to take care of. You married into a family with an existing child. Why would she not also be your joint responsibility when she’s staying with you and your husband?

If you don’t want to be part of a step family set up then don’t get together with someone who has kids. It’s as simple as that really. To say you don’t even want to remind her of her pe kit shows how petty you are. You are clearly not a team player.

@TheGrinchIsComingToTown OP only says that DSD has an alarm that she’s supposed to wake up to and that she walks to school.

That absolutely does not mean that the DSD reliably does this on her own and the fact that OP feels like she’s always having to make sure DSD has actually gotten up suggests the opposite.

My DD is 14. She has her own alarm, prepares her own breakfast and lunch box. My only involvement with her getting ready to school today was to help her plait her hair as she likes a rather elaborate hairstyle that she can't do herself.
Otherwise it's up to her. When I'm working and DH is long at work, she does everything on her own. Should she be late for her school bus, it's up to her and she needs to bear the consequences.

@GravyBoatWars she mentions that DSD gets herself to school multiple times.

I don’t understand where your assertion that the DSD usually gets herself up and to school on time without OP is coming from. Not only has OP said nothing of this being a one-off, she said at the beginning that she feels she’s always the one having to make sure the DSD is up. That suggests the DSD does not reliably do it herself.

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo

I'm not blaming OP. I have never blamed OP.

I have said that this is clearly a situation that is out of the norm for OP's stepdaughter. She gets herself up and walks to school every day. She didn't yesterday - whether that be through laziness or something else, we'll never know because it's clear OP doesn't like her step daughter very much.

However I think everyone saying "she has to learn!!!!" is misguided. OP's step daughter clearly does know. She made a mistake. As I've said multiple times, if someone usually gets themselves up and then doesn't, it points to something else being wrong. I think OP was incredibly harsh to not help her out just this once.

Teens are bad at getting up. But they have to and have to do it themselves. I have two

Who's the 'she' you're referring to? If OP the step mother, she woke up the 15yo twice - if the 15yo, she's not taking much responsibility for sorting herself out and getting to school on time.

I'm not sure why you're so desperate to blame OP and absolve the teenager of all responsibility for getting up, washing, dressing, and getting herself to school on time - after OP has TWICE woken her up. OP has her hands full with two under-5 children plus getting herself to work on time. Presumably some of OP's wages goes to pay the household bills which the 15yo benefits from whenever she stays there. High time DSD stopped adding to OP's responsibilities, and along with her dad, should do more to lessen the burden on OP.