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Original poster

Trigger warning. To think I probably was abused but I can’t say anything now to family

59 replies

Redgreenred10 · 16/12/2024 08:49

i have none epileptic seizures and time and time again specialists have told me that they usually happen when you have experienced some kind of abuse as a child. I have been under a psychologist who I have told about all this and discussed it with them.

The thing is I have a half memory that I have always wondered if it is a memory or if it was a dream. I can’t even say at what age I recalled said memory or if I have always had this memory since it “happened”

Basically it’s a memory of me being in the bathroom as a young child in our old house (we moved when I was 6) of my older brother (11 years older) giving me oral sex and then trying to get me to do it to him but I refused but he did brush his dick against my lips and I shouted yuck and pushed him away.

it’s there in the back of my memory and as I said it strange I have always wondered if it did happen. I can’t even say if I have had the memory since I was the age it “happened”.

Nothinf happened since and we have always had a normal brother sister relationship and am now close and see each other regularly. He has 4 grown up kids and they are great kids and close to their mum and dad.

A few weeks ago I was talking with my brother and SIL and I brought up about none epileptic seizures can be caused by abuse and he is did not even flinch.

my parents are still alive and we are close as a family. I have told DH about this memory and like me he does not know what to do but says he will support me whatever I decide.

I can’t bring this all up now can I, I am not even sure it happened. The psychologist has talked it through with me and says it’s up to me and to do what I feel comfortable with.

The things is I am feeling more and more sick to the stomach that this may have happened but I feel even worse when I think off bringing it in the open. I feel more and more worked up when I see my brothers or know I am going to see him. Basically I feel in a total spin.

i have also have not been able work full time since being diagnosed 10 years ago. 2 years ago the seizure got worse and I gave up work, plus I developed fibromyalgia. I have had seizures for 14 years but at the beginning they thought it was epilepsy. So I feel I have been held back in my career as seizure have definitely affected my work and how some employers have treated me.

could I have possible dreamed this and it never happened. WTF do I do

OP posts:
leftorrightnow · 16/12/2024 09:47

I think you can find or if it really happens or not. Do you have any other memories of something inappropriate happening between you and your brother? Anything at all? Any comments or interactions or anything? I’d say it’s unlikely something like this would have been a complete one off. If there is truly nothing else, it’s more likely your imagination. If however, you have other memories, I’d explore that more, and then decide what to do.

SallyWD · 16/12/2024 09:46

What a difficult situation. I definitely think childhood memories can be mixed up with dreams. I have all sorts of hazy, vague memories/dreams, and I don't know what's real. I have a vivid memory of my very elderly, devout Christian grandmother snogging me when I was half asleep in bed. It really feels so real to me but I can only assume it was a dream.

NotParticularly · 16/12/2024 09:46

For comparison, I was abused aged 9, not by a family member, but in a setting my mother insisted on me going to. I did not tell my parents at the time or since. It wouldn’t help. Like you, I have ongoing conditions in all likelihood linked to the abuse, but am dealing with them with a good somatic therapist.

Crunchingleaf · 16/12/2024 09:44

BeensOnToost · 16/12/2024 09:38

If I was you, I'd look at where you think things will be in 12 months, 3 years and 5 years if you do or don't discuss.

In all honesty, if I wasn't 100%, sure it happened, I wouldn't say anything.

Everyone will want to believe it didn't happen and if you make that a plausible option because you aren't certain then I think you'll be blamed for causing a hell of a lot of irreparable stress and damage to your family but also to you.

This 100%. You would be asking people to believe you when you yourself are so unsure.

NotParticularly · 16/12/2024 09:43

What would be your desired result if you spoke about it with your brother? Will it help you feel any better? What if he has no memory of it, or says he doesn’t, or is horrified and aggressive when you speak to him?

What is the usual treatment pathway for seizures as a conversion disorder from CSA?

Ellerby83 · 16/12/2024 09:42

What specialists have told you the seizures happen to people who have been abused? Medical doctors?

Maddy70 · 16/12/2024 09:40

Gosh i wouldn't say. I think we all had 'fantasies ' when we are young. Something seen on tv and we are curious. If nothing ever happened after it seems unlikely ans could have been a dreamir a fantasy (in the truest meaning)

I dont think i would blow up my family

BeensOnToost · 16/12/2024 09:38

If I was you, I'd look at where you think things will be in 12 months, 3 years and 5 years if you do or don't discuss.

In all honesty, if I wasn't 100%, sure it happened, I wouldn't say anything.

Everyone will want to believe it didn't happen and if you make that a plausible option because you aren't certain then I think you'll be blamed for causing a hell of a lot of irreparable stress and damage to your family but also to you.

JLou08 · 16/12/2024 09:33

It's completely up to you about bringing it up. I would advise that you make sure you are emotionally strong and prepared for a huge fall out with the whole family. If it's true you could be opening up a huge can of worms and find out there's more to it. True or false you could be labeled with some pretty nasty things and ostracised from the whole family.
I'd personally finish the Psychology and work more on yourself and figuring out if this has happened or not before considering mentioning it.