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Original poster

Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

165 replies

Breeisae · 15/12/2024 21:19

I read a thread very similar to my life the other day and it’s given me the confidence to post… though my situation is even more dire I think.

I don’t even know where to begin but basically I had everything going for me in my twenties. I had a great career, I wasn’t bad looking, I had a great family and my health and enough money. I met so many lovely men. One in particular that really loved me and wanted desperately to build a life with me. And what did I do? In a very dysfunctional way I let these men go. I ended up getting pregnant accidentally with a commitment phobe. Part of why it happened was because I was so keen to impress him and win him round that I drank too much and didn’t use protection which was VERY unlike me. But that’s life isn’t it… one mistake can cost you.

And since then although the commitment phobe has stepped up to our daughter (now 3), I am very much single, a washed up, mess at 40. The successful career I had has been battered by single parenthood. I can’t enjoy my income as running a house alone costs, so while I live a decent lifestyle it’s not really representative of my income if that makes sense as every cost falls on me (Dd’s dad does pay maintenance I mean more just a one person income makes life expensive).

Im losing my looks obviously. I am nowhere near as good fun as I used to be as I’m getting older… I know older people can be fun of course but it’s different. Life has happened to me. I’m not a carefree twenty something.

I can’t believe how much I messed up my life when I had so much going for me. I can see a struggle to the day I die now financially and I also see loneliness. I always always imagined more than one child and the chances of that are minimal now. I love my child very much and this isn’t about them. I’m just struggling to accept why I was so dysfunctional that I ended up like this. I’m so sad. To make everything feel 100 times worse, I’m back in my hometown as it was where I ended up when I accidentally fell pregnant and that’s been so so so hard watching people I vaguely knew years ago build families in a marriage while I have been left behind.

I am so sad. And I only have myself to blame. But I can’t see any joy other than my child anymore.

OP posts:
Jingleberryalltheway · 15/12/2024 21:38

Your rock bottoms feels bad too you but to most people it would be far from rock bottom.

headstone · 15/12/2024 21:38

Having two more kids yourself might not happen now, but you could be a step mum to two or more kids in the future if the big family life appeals. I’m sure it’s still possible to meet someone at 40, I think you’d have accept though, like you they will come with baggage. Look surely you know people in your life who didn’t even make it to 40. You have a lovely child and a career and presumably you are healthy.

Original poster
Breeisae · 15/12/2024 21:37

It’s a lonely life as a single parent at 40 though. Very lonely. I feel loved by dd but it’s not the same. Even preparing for Christmas it’s very hard, it feels hard to make it a magical time when it’s just you as the only adult

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 15/12/2024 21:36

Blimey OP - you're only 40! Yes you won't look 20, but who actually wants that?! You've got a place to live, a child you love and a future in front of you. Honestly, count your blessings as your life is waiting for you to seize it and live it.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 15/12/2024 21:35

You're young

You wouldn't have had your daughter with those other men

Give yourself a big shake and find GRATITUDE

You have so much to live for and 50 more years to live it.

Exciting fun joyful years

Stop with the pity party and LIVE for now.....not for those years which are in the past

AnxiousAnnie1984 · 15/12/2024 21:33

Comparing your 20s to your 40s isn’t reasonable for anyone, as is comparing your life before and after motherhood. I doesn’t sound at all like you messed up, sure it is a lot harder to be a single mum than to share parenting and finances.
BUT YOU’RE DOING IT! 💪🏼
Please don’t get stuck in ‘what could’ve beens’ and be proud of where you are in your life. And I mean… you are only 40, with some luck that means you’re only halfway and who knows what the future has in store for you. You might still get your family.

You sound a little depressed tbh and I think you need to look for ways to lift you out of this, it’s not easy to just change your attitude towards your life but maybe with a therapist or good friends around you?

Good luck OP 🍀 All is not lost.

Original poster
Breeisae · 15/12/2024 21:32

MissAmbrosia · 15/12/2024 21:30

Your life is not over at 40. You surely haven't "lost your looks" that much. You have a decent career by the sounds of it and a child you love. Time to stop moping over the past and dealing with the present. I moved abroad aged 38, got new jobs, met loads of interesting people, made new friends, all with a toddler/small child. You can reshape your life. Of course you can still be fun if you let yourself.

@MissAmbrosia thank you. I do look very different to pre child. My face is haggard. I don’t loop youthful anymore at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breeisae · 15/12/2024 21:31

RochelleGoyle · 15/12/2024 21:30

Your life isn't done OP. You sound like you're depressed and have low self esteem. Do you manage to do much to look after yourself (exercise, rest, socialising)? There is still time to meet someone wonderful and get more balance in your life. 💐

@RochelleGoyle i guess there’s new experiences to be had but I won’t have three children and a husband now. It would have to happen next week for that to have a remote chance of working. I feel so shit about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breeisae · 15/12/2024 21:30

Feliciacat · 15/12/2024 21:28

I think keeping your child at age 37 is presumably a good choice (assuming you wanted children). I say this as an infertile 37 year old so no shade meant but you may not have had another chance to have children if you’d not kept your daughter.

It sounds like you’re rueing your choice of partner. However, those men in your 20s must not have resonated with you if you didn’t have a relationship with them. That’s ok. I am sorry it’s not worked out with your ex. Do you think you could try dating apps? It seems like the lack of a partner is your main concern.

@Feliciacat thanks for replying. It’s true I may not have had another chance.

it is kind of you to say those men may not have resonated with me but deep down I know it’s not true. They were decent men, I had a connection but I was too immature and dysfunctional to make a commitment. That’s the reality. And I could online date now but it’s a million times harder with a child and I don’t even know where to begin anymore.

OP posts:
RochelleGoyle · 15/12/2024 21:30

Your life isn't done OP. You sound like you're depressed and have low self esteem. Do you manage to do much to look after yourself (exercise, rest, socialising)? There is still time to meet someone wonderful and get more balance in your life. 💐

MissAmbrosia · 15/12/2024 21:30

Your life is not over at 40. You surely haven't "lost your looks" that much. You have a decent career by the sounds of it and a child you love. Time to stop moping over the past and dealing with the present. I moved abroad aged 38, got new jobs, met loads of interesting people, made new friends, all with a toddler/small child. You can reshape your life. Of course you can still be fun if you let yourself.

Feliciacat · 15/12/2024 21:28

I think keeping your child at age 37 is presumably a good choice (assuming you wanted children). I say this as an infertile 37 year old so no shade meant but you may not have had another chance to have children if you’d not kept your daughter.

It sounds like you’re rueing your choice of partner. However, those men in your 20s must not have resonated with you if you didn’t have a relationship with them. That’s ok. I am sorry it’s not worked out with your ex. Do you think you could try dating apps? It seems like the lack of a partner is your main concern.

Original poster
Breeisae · 15/12/2024 21:25

@Doggymummar i was 36 I think when pregnant. Well when I said twenties I meant 25-35 just that phase where I had chance to have done better for myself. I made a mess of life and I don’t have anyone to blame except for me and it’s pretty impossible to make how it could have been now

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 15/12/2024 21:23

So you got pregnant accidentally at 37 and decided to keep the child. What happened between your twenties and then for it all to go wrong. Feel like you've missed a decade out

Original poster
Breeisae · 15/12/2024 21:20

I want to clarify I didn’t intentionally become pregnant to win him round! I mean I was drinking and being the good fun girl and I lost all sight of my behaviour.

OP posts:
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