Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

How old is your child? Four? That's quite knackering at forty. You've looked after her through the hardest years completely alone. Things will get easier when she's a bit older and has matured a bit. As pps have said, single parenthood when you have a home and financial independence is often vastly preferable to being stuck unhappily with a man and not being able to afford to leave. You seem very focused on finding one though, why?

I think the issue is the way you think about your situation rather than the situation itself, which doesn’t seem that bad or different from many people.

All of this, OP. I’m not going to lie, you keep banging on about your fun twenties when men were in abundance, but you got pregnant at 37. No shame in being single at 37 at all but if you wanted multiple children the way you said then why didn’t you marry one of these men in abundance? It sounds like the commitment phobe was actually you.
And if it makes you feel better, even if you had married one of the men-of-abundance it doesn’t sound like you were someone to mentally and emotionally settle down, so right now you’d be divorced with three kids and co-parenting with an ex who did not step up for his children (see countless other posts on here).
The way I see it, your accidentally pregnancy was the only way you were going to get to be a mum with the way your lifestyle sounded. You should honestly feel blessed, not so self-pitying.

I 100% agree with other posters here too - try and reframe the situation.
You wouldn’t have your daughter - if you hadn’t followed the path you have.
Believe it or not 40 is still quite young! - I’m sure you still look great. Sometimes you have to up maintenance a little - more exercise, hair done more regularly etc but women in their 40s look amazing.
Best years of my career were between 42 and 55 as a single mum… so try not to give up on that too…
40 can feel like a milestone age - BUT you have a lot of brilliant things going for you. I hope you feel better soon and you can use the new year to reset a bit and make a list of some of the brilliant suggestions on this thread. X

Well, i'm going to be brutally honest here OP. You had your daughter at 37! That's fairly late to be starting a family. If you didn't want a child, at 37 and with a good career you could have taken the morning after pill. Or had an early abortion. However it's telling that you chose not to. You chose to have a baby! It was your decision. You chose motherhood over the alternative of not being a mother. Motherhood isn't all that it's cracked up to be at times, but it is also wonderful. Careers also aren't all that they are cracked up to be. It's a shame that you weren't swept off your feet by your partner and he didn't want to commit, but then you knew what he was like. My point is that you aren't helpless and these events haven't just happened to you. You made the best decisions at the right time for you. You clearly weren't ready to settle down in your twenties/early thirties.

Please don't think too much about the past. Many people do not realise the good things they have in their early 20s, they lack confidence and make the wrong decisions. But we learn from them. You're a wiser woman now than you were then. The present and future are what we can try and control, the past is just history. I feel the same way as you but I promise we have plenty of positive experiences left to have in our lives. I wish you all the best xx

I completely get it. I’m 40 in March, have a 2yr old DD (and 4yr old hyperactive dog), and single. Mid-twenties me would never have thought I’d be here. Would never have thought I didn’t find the one, have the happily ever after or fairy tale wedding. But I made the choices I did and here we are.

On the bad-days I feel exactly the same. But the good-days, like this weekend, I get to look at how much I do have - my DD, a stable and financially reliable career, my own home. All of that is worth so much more. And sets an incredible example to my DD of what she can achieve (if she wants).

And as far as Christmas, I get to make all the most magic memories with her how I want them to be. And with them being so young you really can create whatever traditions you want.

i hope you can find the ‘good day’ soon.

Yeah I'd recommend hypnotherapy with a really good therapist to help you foster some helpful positive thinking.

Tell us how you've been getting yourself out there. Apps? Asking friends to set you up? Local meetups? Nights out? Hobbies? Speed dating?

Or are you expecting a Netflix Christmas special where you open the door to the Amazon man and you both fall head over heels as he passes you a tower of cardboard?

You have no idea how life would have been if you'd married one of the guys you knew in your 20s...he could have died young leaving you widowed, or become disabled and you his carer, or your child might have been disabled. And of course you might have broken up down the line and left you a single parent anyway...

Point is you just don't know how it would have turned out. All there is is the present moment and what you make of it today. It's natural to grieve but don't let it take too much of a space in your heart. There are no guarantees that life would have been wonderful 15 years ago had you made another choice. I know it can be irritating to hear it but there's a reason to count your blessings.

I am not trying to be unkind, but you’re being a bit silly.

You're 40 years old. You’re hardly ancient. You’ve a good job, a lovely child and your health. And you’re moping because…time passes? People age? You didn’t seize every opportunity? Life isn’t perfect? For goodness sake.

If you don’t like your life, what are you doing about it? If you don’t like the way you look, are you eating properly? Exercising? Taking care of your skin? If you want to improve your earnings, what steps are you taking towards career development? If you’d like a relationship, are you actively dating?

Your life sounds fine. But if you don’t like it, do something about it. Don’t mope about your sliding doors moment.

You're doing OK, OP.

We all regret some choices we made when we were younger. There's no telling that those potential relationships would have been happy or healthy.

You've got to focus on your present and your future.
You are only 40.
You still may meet someone.
You have a lovely child and a job and somewhere to live.
Stop beating yourself up about what you haven't got or choices you didn't make.

Go see your doctor or a counsellor and get some help with your low mood.

Let's come at this from a different angle.

You could be 40 and not have a child at all. Read any of the threads here and you will see how much better off you are than so many other women. Women who are tied to abusive shits, financially, physically and emotionally drained.

You have your independence.
You have a career.
You have a home.
You have your LO.
The commitment phobe has stepped up for his DD.

Start looking at your blessings and start working on the issues. Some therapy might help you.

If you'd have done any of it differently OP you would have ended up with your wonderful DC.

It sounds like life has got a bit on top of you. And I'm sure being a single parent is relentless. Can you make some time to socialise, start a hobby, practice some self care?

Stop looking OP. When you are happy with yourself and find contentment in your life then the rest falls into place. Make small changes to give you the chance of opening those other doors you seem to thi k are so firmly closed. Dating- find a hobby or social group that you like and naturally your circle opens up, if it happens it happens but give yourself a chance at least.

Stop looking back no good ever comes of it.look at today and tommorrow only.

I think you're looking through rose coloured specs, OP.

Either all those other men who were falling at your feet weren't all that great, otherwise you'd have snapped one up, or you were in such a great position as you're remembering yourself to have been in. The fact that you were trying to impress someone by partying hard and having unprotected sex seems in your mid 30s seems to suggests things weren't all that great, really.

We all muddle along - life rarely pans out just the way we expect it to and we all make decisions that change the course of our lives. It's fairly common for looks to fade in early 40s and stress really has an impact on that. It's common for people to be juggling parenting and work and sometimes caring responsibilities too at this stage of life. Lots of people feel a bit battered.

That’s unnecessary and so harsh.Would you say this to someone you cared about!

There is a good reason.

@Breeisae please look into therapy, counselling or work independently on your own self worth. Kain Ramsay has some excellent courses on Udemy.

You might've married one of those men and it all could've gone to shit, maybe he cheated, maybe he was an arse , maybe he was lovely but you couldn't conceive between you. You're looking back as though one of those options would've been flawless it wouldn't have and any other choices and you wouldn't have your daughter.

You've got a job, a home and a child. Cherish what you have.

I think instead of focussing on what happened 25-35, you need to remember why you had your daughter. Im assuming you live in the UK, you were not forced to have a baby, you had options, but you chose to keep her, the decisions leading up to that point are moot.

I would focus on that choice, and why you did it, I suspect many, if not most, 37 year old women would have done the same, and keep it separate from the decision not to pursue the man who got away, again there would have been a reason you didn't choose that, we can't have regrets in life, we have to accept we had our reasons at the time even if hindsight blurs that.

I get it, OP. I'm the same sort of age and a single parent to a mid teen. It's very lonely. I understand the need - and it is a real need - to grieve the lost potential, the fact you won't every get married to someone in your 20s and have a family with them, share your 20s, 30s and beyond with them. You can never go back and have that history together if you haven't lived that time with them. It's really hard and dating as a single parent can feel impossible at times. It's even harder if you're constantly having your face rubbed in the lives of people who 'chose the other path' back then and what they've done with their lives. I can really feel the pain coming off your words. So, don't worry - I'm not going to tell you to be grateful for what you have 🙄 or look to the future.

I think there is some mileage in you spending a bit of time in therapy, reflecting on why you did make the choices you did and what was behind that. In a way, liking commitment phobes is a form of avoidance and commitment phobia itself. It took me a long time to realise that. And if you can explore what were the mental blocks that held you back then, you might be able to eventually forgive yourself for making the choices you did, and be able to move forward with a clear heart. I really hope so. And I hope very much you still find your dream family setup - even if it looks a little different than you originally imagined, you might just find yourself in the family which is perfect for you and your child. Fingers crossed ☺️

By the time I was 40, I was a single mother to 4 children, and I felt too that i'd made the choices that led to it. But without those mistakes I made and then had to live with (still do, really), I could've been rather naive and possibly smug too.

Anyway, I loved being single and having time with my kids, although it was very hard too and I definitely felt sorry for myself at times. Three is a difficult age - you wait till DC is in school and suddenly wants to tell you all the rules - it's such a dramatic change and then it will feel easier. It won't always be so expensive either, doesn't have to be.

Everyone's got some difficulty in life, that's what you have to remember. No point looking enviously at others. Allow yourself the wallow, then pick yourself up and make the best of what you've got.

Blimey, that’s quite harsh for you @Eyesopenwideawake

I really, really hope you don't project any of this self pity onto your daughter.

It's as good as you make it

I was a single mum at 40

I'd rather have been single than with an abusive twat