Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

take one thing at a time, the loneliness can you join groups/reconnect? Your DD will go to school soon and whilst ‘school mums’ can get a bad rep on mumsnet I’ve made some wonderful friends through school

I agree with others - 40 is not old, and you have a lot to be thankful for, with a decent career and a child. Although you feel like you've lost your looks, you can turn this round - you won't look 20 again, but many women in their 40s upwards look fantastic.

Your dd is only 3 and you're a lone parent so you probably do feel tired and without much time to look after yourself. There's a good chance this will improve. I looked haggard and dreadful when my kids were tiny (had dd2 aged 37) and by the time they were in school, I looked healthier so kind of younger and better overall, can't quite remember why - more rested, bit more money/time to spend on myself?

Don't write yourself off, OP! We've all had opportunities that slipped through our fingers. Trust yourself to make better choices in future.

Hmm...It's easy to think that and gloss over the reasons they weren;t right. I had a 'one who got away' for years - deeply regretted not appreciating how much this wealthy handsome brilliant man adored me. Until I bumped into him again and remembered what a jealous, controlling, arrogant man he was.

Don't blame yourself and your dysfunction for not shacking up with men who weren't right for you then. they wouldn't be now, either. You'd be bored or restless or feel you'd settled down too soon.

You have your career, and your daughter, and an ex who participates in her life. May not be perfect, but life isn't.

Are there small changes you can make to feel like life isn't stagnating somewhere you don't want it to be? Could you spend a few months early next year really pampering and looking after yourself so you feel strong and fit and healthy and look and feel your best, then maybe start dating again? You sound like an interesting, independent, intelligent woman and if you were attractive in your twenties, I'm sure you can scrub up well now!
Are there some adventures you could have with your daughter? Trips you could go on? Even if she is too young now, you could start saving for one. They don't have to cost the earth.

the thing is that the men who excite you in your 20s are different from those in your 30/40s. I know full well, and have said to him, that I had I met my husband in my 20s we wouldn't be together. He wasn’t what I wanted then. But the reality is he’s handsome, clever, lovely, caring, consistent and does all the cooking/cleaning - and he adores me. Back then in my 20s I would have laughed - now in my 40s I’m v grateful for him. And I met him when I was 38.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just enjoy, be sensible and see what happens.

I feel like this has been written by a misogynistic man who has a fantasy of the women who reject him feeling like this at 40. This can’t be real

They were not "the one". At this point in your life, he is still possibly out there, but do you need him? Your baby daddy seems to have stepped up - is that relationship good enough to develop, and have you given him a chance?

Widen your circle, there are lots of single mums around and local groups to join. These are often women who have been married and are now happy being not. Far more common than you think, which also gives you a pool of available men looking for a new relationship.

40 is so NOT past it, you are just changing - I am in my 70s and NOW my looks are going!

You are still young. The way you feel now will pass, you'll regain your zest and be fine. Honestly, you will. You're far from messed up.

Come on, don't let yourself get like that! I met loads of men in my 40s with 2 kids. You don’t have to have a man to have a good life! It wl get easier believe me - it's probably Christmas that's making you maudlin. Have a brilliant Christmas with your mini me, and tomorrow is another day xx

Gosh, you're being so hard on yourself. I can't see how you've done anything wrong.

yes, it's harsh

I agree with others that you sound depressed because, objectively, your life isn't at rock bottom at all - you have a healthy little girl and a good income which is something huge numbers of 40 year olds don't.

I'm also 40. I have a good social life, a fulfilling job, hobbies I love - quite a lot going for me. But I'm single, have no children, have a mental illness and am below average looking. Nobody has it all.

It sounds to me like you have some things that most of us would consider 'good things we should have at 40' but that you don't have others. Like most 40 year olds, probably.

I think you should focus on the things you can change and not the things you can't change. You picked the wrong man to have a baby with. That's done now, but would no baby be better? You seem preoccupied with looks, money, etc. They are assets that mean nothing in the great scheme of things. It's time to reframe your thinking. What do you need to do to enjoy your life day to day? What will make you feel happy by the end of the day? Or the end of the week?

I can tell from reading Mumsnet that lots of women are with lazy useless twats and don't know how to leave. Also it is tricky for two people to accommodate each other when they are 40 and have created their own life. This magical partnership you imagine might not be all it's cracked up to be.

Do you have family nearby? Can you enjoy your child and Christmas with them? I'd give anything to live near my family. I found myself back in my hometown and single a few years ago and I cherished that time with my family. It's only sad to be in your hometown of you let it be. Also you have a beautiful 3 year old!

As a first step I would absolutely be going to the sperm bank and trying for another child. Not ideal I know but if you want more than one you can achieve it, you don't need to wait for a man. Can you downsize with your house? Try to concentrate on quality of life day to day rather than assets, looks, and empty achievements.

Build your new life up with your child. You can still take care of yourself and be you.

Confidence in myself, I may not look like a 20 something anymore but I'm very happy with my looks.

I just wanted to say that I hear you, OP.
My life hasn’t panned out the way I thought it would either, and I understand your grief for what might have been.
Please try not to let it overwhelm you, though, or overshadow what you do have (your beautiful DD).
Sending love. X

If you're lonely - get a dog - man's best friend - loving, loyal, faithful etc. Cockerpoos are very sweet so are most other mongrels (or pedigrees).

Sending you lots of love. What’s brought this on OP? Is it Christmas? I’m a single parent to my 9 yr old I’m now 35 and Christmas brings up lots of feelings and could have/should haves.

Start journaling and every night when you get into bed think of 3 things you’re greatful for - you won’t see a change over night, but small and consistent habits will help.

You hear of others who worked their lives away to reach top of their career ladder and never had children who regret it. You also need to look inward and work on why you are feeling empty at the moment - because that’s for you to fix (in the nicest possible way) not for a partner to fix. I learnt this the hard way!

And don’t believe everythign on social media - how many of those people are actually happy and have a perfect life. I see people pretending to be happy who have had affairs, been in abusive relationships (behind closed calls)

Work out what your calling is - your life’s purpose and that will start to help guide you into having the life you really desire.

@Breeisae Forgive yourself

have a read and hopefully move forward.

You have as many years in front of you than you have already lived.

If you take a step back you should see most people wouldn’t see this situation as rock bottom. Far from it. When I clicked on this thread from the title I thought you were going to be an alcoholic living in a cardboard box. You have a lot going for you. And yes life isn’t perfect. I’m a similar age to you and get looking in the mirror and noticing the changes. I get wondering about the past and decisions. It doesn’t help anything though. Concentrate on positive steps you can take for the present and future.

How did you get your looks back?

Many people evaluate their life at 40 and feel they haven't made the most of their potential. Often things haven't gone the way we expected. But you have probably half your life still to live and lots of opportunities to make changes. However, the biggest change you need to make is to reframe how you view your life. You have many good things and you have achieved that on your own.

This is very familiar to me , similar carefree (careless) lifestyle, terrible life choices, turned down most of the nice men, and kids in later life. I was really beautiful but had no idea and terrible self esteem and then became disabled, on a truck load of medication and aged massively and feel hideous now, even my teeth alignment has changed massive for the worse so my lovely smile is no longer there and I hate having my photo taken.
I also know that I am in a negative thought spiral at the moment, comparing myself endlessly to young fit me and to women who are healthy and have money and time to spend on themselves.
I am working on a low income with kids and mortgage and running on empty all the time.
I know something needs to change but I don’t know how to get out of this rut.
Also find winter incredibly difficult.
I really hope you find a way to get out of this funk as this head state is doing us no favours!

I am brand new to this forum (perusing because my wife is pregnant with our first child and I have no idea what to expect or how to meaningfully support her through this time!) but this post struck me this evening!

I think you need to shift your mindset more towards all of the positives you do have in your life. E.g. it sounds like you have a relatively great career (even if it's not you achieving your full potential) that supports you and your daughter, even if it is a challenge at times. You have a daughter you obviously adore. Did you expect to be doing it alone for the most part? No. But that doesn't mean you're damaged goods and have no chance at happiness in life now.

As for being back home - that could mean closer to family or having a really close friend from school/growing up?! But even if that's not the case, remember that comparison is the thief of joy. You're racing your own race.

Life might not be what you expected it to be 10 years ago. But don't let your frustration and upset at choosing the wrong guy dictate how you feel about yourself or view the next 40 years of your life (easily achievable!).

Good luck, and try to stay positive and grateful for what you have right now!

I was 5 years older when I had dd, I was resigned to a life of singledom. I wasn't looking, wasn't dating but when she was 6 met a man who first became a good friend and then more. We are getting married next summer. I'm now 55 but couldn't be happier, I seem to have got my looks back, I'm loving life but more importantly I love myself, I'm confident in myself again and anyone who disagrees that I'm amazing can quite frankly fuck off. My husband to be is an incredibly lucky man ( he's pretty amazing himself so I'm also lucky)

I was a single mum to two boys. Their father left when they were 2 and 3 They were 7 and 9 when I met my second husband. I was 38. He is a fabulous man and a brilliant step dad to my now adult sons and a fabulous grandad to 2 grandsons. We have been together for 23 years and married for 21 at the end of December. Life is out there. Put a smile on your face,get organised and go and live it.