Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

I can see why, if you’d dreamed of a husband and three children family set up, why your situation now at 40 may make you sad.

But, presumably you made the decisions at the time that were best for you. And those men you turned down didn’t make you happy, so you moved on. I think you may need some emotional support to process all this and begin to think more positively, but I do also think you should sit with those feelings of sadness and reflect on them. It will help to process them and they are valid.

This is a great book full of inspiration for all the things life can hold for you :) just do, or dream about doing, the ones which are actually possible with your situation. Don't beat yourself up for the ones you can't do right now.

www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Do-Now-That-Youre/dp/1840727977/ref=asc_df_1840727977?mcid=fe3cf4d435133e6485417dfc114cc4cf&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697272498127&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4663201075728747289&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045109&hvtargid=pla-584790257495&psc=1&gad_source=1

When I am down I listen to Nina Simone "I got life". Firstly the song is a reminder of all the things I have that I might be without (how things could be much worse!), secondly the song is a celebration not only of being in good health, but of being oneself, of having oneself, always. I know it's trite but it sounds like you need inspiration, and I think it's a small place to start.

My life didn't start until I was early 40s! Like you, single parent and just had to work so hard to keep all the plates spinning and living with the huge fear that I had to keep the job I hated because there was only one income. No time or energy for any relationships.
As DCs became more independent, the pressure came off a bit (not totally - they're not less expensive as they grow up!). I changed career completely, which led to another career change just before I hit 50. Never been happier or more fulfilled. As my friends are retiring I'm excited about what I'm going to do next!

Your life isn't over - you're probably not even half way through yet! Just keep going. Be selfish. Invest in yourself. Find ways to make your life easier - even when I was skint I paid someone to take my ironing away!

Best of luck!

2 things stand out to me:

1. Your child is 3. This is a very difficult time for all parents, even those in happy, stable marriages. You lose a lot of your identity with young children, and yes you may look and feel haggard! Also it's not surprising that right now, your career is taking a hammering.

However, you may rediscover some of your spark and feel much more of the joy of parenthood when your child is of school age. And get back on track with your career, or even a new career. I agree with others, your happy accident at that stage in your life (37) was probably your only chance to have a child. And her father is present in her life, and from the sounds of it, is supportive of her. That matters so much and you are in so many ways, in a great position. Family wise, career wise, fulfillment wise - your best years are very likely still ahead of you. Don't lose heart now. Believe in yourself.

2. You made mistakes when you were younger and these have shaped your life. But why? There must have been a reason you responded to life as you did, I expect it was related to how you were taught to survive as a child. Can you explore this further? It sounds to me as though you need to offer your younger self some understanding and some forgiveness too. Can you regard your past self with loving, sympathetic and understanding eyes, even as she makes mistakes, as you would a daughter?

@Breeisae read this - or even memorise it. I was a widow at 36 with three dc. My friend was divorced at 26, another one was blindsided/dumped by her dh and father of her two dc at 37. Life is never straightforward.
Definitely cherish what you have!

This is not rock bottom OP, not even close. But it sounds like you are stuck in a rut and possibly have a degree of depression. It's very easy to ruminate on your past when you're depressed and it can make you feel so much worse.
Honestly this is going to sound cringe, but try keeping a gratitude diary. I was hesitant as it sounds like a load of woo but I tried it a few months ago - my DH was constantly telling me I was so negative about everything - and within a week I did feel better. It did shift my perspective on a lot of stuff and I felt lighter and happier. I've let it slide though, so need to start again myself.
Oh and if you are feeling unhappy with your face try facial exercise, there's plenty of resources online. I've a cynical, grumpy family member who is a retired Dr who surprised me recently by saying that facial exercises do work, as the principle of building muscle in the face is the same as building body exercises. They're usually the first person to tell me what a con most health & wellbeing stuff is.

@Wibblywobblybobbly where do you get this from??

Get yourself a tret prescription and you'll feel sooo much better about the way you look within a few months. It's like turning back the clock. I know it sounds shallow but it's made me feel so much better about myself at a similar age and stage to you.

It reads as if you've got a decent home and job, and a healthy child. That's a pretty good place to be at 40, OP, and a solid foundation to build on. Not many people are lucky enough to make all the right decisions when they're young, but it sounds like you've made a few smart ones. Christmas isn't the easiest time, don't be tough on yourself.

The feelings of loss you are having are real feelings, but they are more based on imagination and longing than the loss of anything real. You might in theory have settled down with one of the good and suitable men who were in love with you in your twenties, but you have no idea at all how it would have worked out. Possibly much worse than your current reality. And even if happily married, you would still be nearly forty and perhaps feeling upset that you don't look so very youthful any more, and worrying that this could threaten on your relationship.
Dwelling on what might have been is so painful, and goes nowhere because you can never run the experiment in which the same 'you' took several different paths. If you feel very stuck in this way of looking at your life, therapy could be really helpful.

Well the thing about rock bottom, is that you can only go up!! I know you feel like a failure but as long as you have breath in your body my dear, you are not. Start your life over because life truly does begin at 40. I can say this because I'm 42 and I've been where you are. Now you know better, you know what mistakes you made, so the good thing about that is that you don't have to make them again. You say you're not where you should be financially however, you are somewhere! And that's more than what a lot of people can say that have hit rock bottom. Start from there. You are a mother and you have your beautiful child to love on, even if there is no man. And I know hugging a pillow late at night doesn't necessarily fill that void or longing that you have to be in a loving happy relationship or marriage, but, you're not totally alone and that child loves you. You can still date and meet men, and I know you say that your looks have changed but it's never too late too find love especially if it's something you desire. Most of what we want in life gravitates towards us, if we want it bad enough. You just have to have confidence. Stop with all these negative thoughts about yourself and life because having a pity party will get you nowhere. Instead, look at your past and your mistakes and take it as a lesson learned. Once you do that, you'll be ready. Ready to start your life over and make better decisions and do all the things that you truly want to do. So stop feeling sad, and hold your head up, and be glad that things aren't worse than what they are. Embrace who you've become and who you want to be, and just take whatever steps you need to take to progress and move forward until you get to where you believe that you are meant to be. But you don't get to feel sorry for yourself. Nobody is perfect and a lot of us know what it's like to have to start over again, and some have learned that life just gets better as long as you don't quit. Don't give up, chin up, and best wishes!!

Three-year olds are expensive and limiting. They cost a fortune in childcare, need to go to bed early, can’t sit for long and the sort of films they like to watch… the least said the better. They are also an absolute joy. But they do grow up. In a couple of years childcare costs will drop as they start school. They will be able to cope better in adult company. Their world view will become more sophisticated, their language improves, they become better companions and you can start to look beyond their little world again (until they become teenagers).

Aww, it doesn't sound like a life to be sad about. You need to give yourself a lot of credit for being the person you are now. You're caring for your little girl and making her life and yours the best that you can.

Do you think talking to a counsellor would help?

Also I do try and hit the gym (2 hrs a week), get my nails done (not all the time) and take care of myself and dress up on the few occasions I get a chance. Makes me feel good about myself.

I am thinking of hiring an au pair in the future to help me out around the house and with my child to make sure I have time to do the odd thing for myself and then the time I have with my child is quality time. So there's another idea if affordable for you.

Your child is only 3, it is one of the intense phases of having a child. It will get easier and you will see more opportunities again as they grow up and you get more flexibility back.

I kept waiting for the rock bottom part but then I once gummed the remains of a baggie I found next to a toilet. It wasn't even white.

Guess one person's rock bottom is another persons nice life 😁

Hey OP I hear you so bad! I'm a single mum at 36. My partner left me for someone else and I lost my job (a highly paid but demanding job) while pregnant. Dad is not invoved at all, married the OW and pays no maintenance. I'm now very single with a toddler and actually surprisingly I'm pretty happy but I think a big part of that is having a new job I love, support from my parents and good friends around to hang out with. I do find myself also looking at perfect families I know on SM and totally romanticising their lives but the reality is that everyone has difficulties and you know nothing is ever as it seems. I have to work hard at remembering my ex is not a good partner and no better to the other woman. I would not have been happy with him. I find myself also romanticising past guys who liked me too who seemed so nice. Again there's a reason those didn't happen.

Guess maybe because I'm a bit younger I'm still hoping to meet someone and have more children, but it's so hard isn't it? Dating as a single mum feels impossible.

I'm considering having another child on my own and then worrying about a relationship afterwards. Plenty of people meet their life partner later on. Have you considered this?

I know it doesn't feel ideal and being a single mum is so hard but try not to beat yourself up about the past. I'm sure you're doing a fab job! Xx

your life doesn't sound that bad at all. Maybe you're depressed? Worth a chat with GP. Having kids wrecks a lot of women's careers for a number of years even if they're planned in a long term relationship.

Go for a facial and there is always ways to get a little helping hand. .

Do you need to stay in your home town.
Write a list of what you want from life .Start with the most achievable
(facial )
botox ?
exercise
move town
husband
more kids

For examples . Then tick them off. .life isn’t over it’s just going to be different to what you had thought .

You have a great job and a child you love. You have enough money to live on. Presumably you have a home. You have your health.

You need to change the way you think - you're very lucky to have what you've got. Your problem is that you feel entitled to a different life and you're bitter about not having it.

Not rtft so apologies if I'm repeating what someone else has said.

I also often feel aggrieved at the way my life has panned out. Not the same situation as you but I'm a similar age with different regrets.

I think a big part of the problem is that when we were younger it was very easy to imagine your future and what it would look like. We were told the world is our oyster, we can do anything. We all watched films and TV shows with super happy endings - ending up with the love of your life, 2 kids, a dog, a great career and a big house, everyone smiling all the time.

In reality it's relatively rare for life to end up that perfect. Media shows us what perfection is so that anything other than that is a crushing disappointment.

I often feel disappointed or jealous of others but then I stop and think: there will be people out there who wish they had my life.

Re the loneliness - can you try to make a list of ways you think you could feel less lonely ie join an online group for single mums, join a hobby club, reach out to a different person each day, etc. I know what it's like and being lonely is the worst feeling in the world but if you feel you're making steps to combat it then it might help you power through.

Huge hugs, you sound like a great person x

It is pointless looking back and regretting the past. You did the best you could at the time, given what you were dealing with.

My spinster-like high-school German teacher met the love of her life and got married at 60. They now travel the world and show of their life on social media. They don't have kids together, but they look really, really happy.

Don't lose hope!

You could be right actually! The incel types love to go on about women rejecting all the good ones in their younger years to end up with total losers and then regret it blah blah.