Page 3 | Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

Breeisae · 2024-12-15T21:19:36+00:00

I read a thread very similar to my life the other day and it’s given me the confidence to post… though my situation is even more dire I think. I don’t even know where to begin but basically I had everything going for me in my twenties. I had a great career, I wasn’t bad looking, I had a great family and my health and enough money. I met so many lovely men. One in particular that really loved me and wanted desperately to build a life with me. And what did I do? In a very dysfunctional way I let these men go. I ended up getting pregnant accidentally with a commitment phobe. Part of why it happened was because I was so keen to impress him and win him round that I drank too much and didn’t use protection which was VERY unlike me. But that’s life isn’t it… one mistake can cost you. And since then although the commitment phobe has stepped up to our daughter (now 3), I am very much single, a washed up, mess at 40. The successful career I had has been battered by single parenthood. I can’t enjoy my income as running a house alone costs, so while I live a decent lifestyle it’s not really representative of my income if that makes sense as every cost falls on me (Dd’s dad does pay maintenance I mean more just a one person income makes life expensive). Im losing my looks obviously. I am nowhere near as good fun as I used to be as I’m getting older… I know older people can be fun of course but it’s different. Life has happened to me. I’m not a carefree twenty something. I can’t believe how much I messed up my life when I had so much going for me. I can see a struggle to the day I die now financially and I also see loneliness. I always always imagined more than one child and the chances of that are minimal now. I love my child very much and this isn’t about them. I’m just struggling to accept why I was so dysfunctional that I ended up like this. I’m so sad. To make everything feel 100 times worse, I’m back in my hometown as it was where I ended up when I accidentally fell pregnant and that’s been so so so hard watching people I vaguely knew years ago build families in a marriage while I have been left behind. I am so sad. And I only have myself to blame. But I can’t see any joy other than my child anymore.

MaggieBsBoat · 16/12/2024 15:13

I didn’t get my career sorted properly until I was in my 40s. Despite a great education, because of parenthood (at that time single) I was doing part time and earning 16k at 40-43. it wasn’t until after this when I threw myself at it that I started to earn good money. One decade on my life is profoundly different.
There is literally no point in criticising your past or regretting. In the end if you hadn’t had your daughter at 36, maybe you’d never have had kids? Would that be better? Probably not. That would just be something else to regret.
We have one go on this merry-go-round. Don’t beat yourself up about opportunities missed or things not experienced. Change the now and look towards the future. Start today 💪

Original poster

Breeisae · 16/12/2024 15:07

Thank you for the lovely replies. I haven’t finished reading them all yet as I am at work, I will do later. I feel so uplifted from the words of support, I don’t think I’ve felt this comforted in years. Thank you.

OP posts:

cheezncrackers · 16/12/2024 09:42

You're looking at it as if your glass is half-empty, when a much better way would be to see it as half-full. You have a lot OP. It might not feel like it, but you have a DC, a home, what sounds like a good job - and you have managed all that by yourself. There are many, many women out there who don't have those things.

Your DD is three, which is a tough age. She's still really little, really dependent on you, hard work to entertain, and needs wraparound care, which is expensive. Your life will get better. You may or may not meet someone, have more DC, etc, but you still have that possibility atm.

If meeting someone and having more DC is what you really want and the lack of those two things is what is really bringing you down, you need to put some effort into at least trying to make it happen. If you're back in your hometown, do you have family nearby who help you with childcare? You say you don't even know where to begin, but MN is full of advice for women of all ages and there are many who are experienced OLDers who can give you some pointers. If you can afford/manage it I would also see if you can find a therapist to talk to as your self-esteem seems so low currently and I think it could really help.

Winter2020 · 16/12/2024 09:31

Calmomiletea · 16/12/2024 00:40

"Keeping your child.. " what in the world.. you'd think you were talking about a dog or a cat. Unbelievable

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You know this term is a polite way of saying choosing not to have an abortion?

Wibblywobblybobbly · 16/12/2024 08:53

SexAndCakes · 16/12/2024 00:04

@Wibblywobblybobbly where do you get this from??

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I use Dermatica. I think there's Skin and Me as well.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 16/12/2024 06:44

If you genuinely feel the life you have described is "rock bottom" (a phrase normally used to describe addicts at their lowest point), then I strongly feel you need counselling and/or antidepressants.

You have a well-paying job and a daughter at 40. So many people would kill to be in your position.

Also, all parents of toddlers look haggard!

phoenixbiscuits · 16/12/2024 03:35

I put my faith in the wrong person who ended up abusing me and our daughter. On the plus side, he's out of our lives and I refuse to ever be at that rock bottom again. It nearly broke me. But not quite!

I'll never have the 2 kids family life I dreamed of. Maybe a half or step sibling for my daughter, but I've had such a crap time I'm fairly happy to be where I am.

RogueFemale · 16/12/2024 03:20

Hi @Breeisae I'd kill to be your age again. You are so young. I'm 60 with no kids and fairly sure now that it was me who was the commitment-phobe all along. I prefer cats and my own company. But I looked 30 when I was 40.

Binge watch some TV makeover shows, - you really are so youthful it won't take much to revive your looks.

Trendyname · 16/12/2024 02:27

ZeppelinTits · 15/12/2024 21:48

I get it, OP. I'm the same sort of age and a single parent to a mid teen. It's very lonely. I understand the need - and it is a real need - to grieve the lost potential, the fact you won't every get married to someone in your 20s and have a family with them, share your 20s, 30s and beyond with them. You can never go back and have that history together if you haven't lived that time with them. It's really hard and dating as a single parent can feel impossible at times. It's even harder if you're constantly having your face rubbed in the lives of people who 'chose the other path' back then and what they've done with their lives. I can really feel the pain coming off your words. So, don't worry - I'm not going to tell you to be grateful for what you have 🙄 or look to the future.

I think there is some mileage in you spending a bit of time in therapy, reflecting on why you did make the choices you did and what was behind that. In a way, liking commitment phobes is a form of avoidance and commitment phobia itself. It took me a long time to realise that. And if you can explore what were the mental blocks that held you back then, you might be able to eventually forgive yourself for making the choices you did, and be able to move forward with a clear heart. I really hope so. And I hope very much you still find your dream family setup - even if it looks a little different than you originally imagined, you might just find yourself in the family which is perfect for you and your child. Fingers crossed ☺️

Lovely post 👏

Trendyname · 16/12/2024 02:25

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 15/12/2024 22:00

I think you're looking through rose coloured specs, OP.

Either all those other men who were falling at your feet weren't all that great, otherwise you'd have snapped one up, or you were in such a great position as you're remembering yourself to have been in. The fact that you were trying to impress someone by partying hard and having unprotected sex seems in your mid 30s seems to suggests things weren't all that great, really.

We all muddle along - life rarely pans out just the way we expect it to and we all make decisions that change the course of our lives. It's fairly common for looks to fade in early 40s and stress really has an impact on that. It's common for people to be juggling parenting and work and sometimes caring responsibilities too at this stage of life. Lots of people feel a bit battered.

That's a simplistic view. Another possibility is Op turned good opportunities down in 20s, and by the time she wanted to get serious in mid 30s, there weren't many good options, hence desperation.

Shoezembagsforever · 16/12/2024 02:22

Love your child.

Christmas will suddenly become wonderful and you will be a kick-ass Mum with a career and a child.

You've got there and done it all so far and, from experience of other people, you're the type that guys really like IME.

mmmarmalade · 16/12/2024 01:59

@Breeisae
So what about this guy that was very keen on you - what's he doing these days?

TallulahDoris · 16/12/2024 01:49

ZeppelinTits · 15/12/2024 21:48

I get it, OP. I'm the same sort of age and a single parent to a mid teen. It's very lonely. I understand the need - and it is a real need - to grieve the lost potential, the fact you won't every get married to someone in your 20s and have a family with them, share your 20s, 30s and beyond with them. You can never go back and have that history together if you haven't lived that time with them. It's really hard and dating as a single parent can feel impossible at times. It's even harder if you're constantly having your face rubbed in the lives of people who 'chose the other path' back then and what they've done with their lives. I can really feel the pain coming off your words. So, don't worry - I'm not going to tell you to be grateful for what you have 🙄 or look to the future.

I think there is some mileage in you spending a bit of time in therapy, reflecting on why you did make the choices you did and what was behind that. In a way, liking commitment phobes is a form of avoidance and commitment phobia itself. It took me a long time to realise that. And if you can explore what were the mental blocks that held you back then, you might be able to eventually forgive yourself for making the choices you did, and be able to move forward with a clear heart. I really hope so. And I hope very much you still find your dream family setup - even if it looks a little different than you originally imagined, you might just find yourself in the family which is perfect for you and your child. Fingers crossed ☺️

This is just lovely. If more people were like you @ZeppelinTits the world would be a better place x

NiftyKoala · 16/12/2024 01:34

Sorry posted too soon. I get it. I'm a single mom which was definitely not the plan. So I get it.

NiftyKoala · 16/12/2024 01:33

I think to get pregnant at 37 you definitely wanted to be a mum. I was 36. It's hard when you see people you think have perfect lives. But I promise someone is looking at you Wishing for your life.

Moonlicker · 16/12/2024 01:16

Jerkaround · 16/12/2024 00:47

You sound in a very similar position to me, well done for reframing, I’m happy to accept any ideas from you and home tweaks too if you don’t mind?
don’t want to hijack the thread!

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I replied, but God knows where! Sorry 😞

Moonlicker · 16/12/2024 01:14

I started with practical things. Any wee thing at all which could save me energy. Better cookware, a dishwasher (never had one prior), a special chair for the shower, a shark cordless vacuum (great). I do micro sessions to keep the house in order. I don't find it easy to stay on top of this but the little tweaks have helped. Got rid of bags & bags of stuff for charity shop, & gradually just started habits & tweaks that make the home feel more "retreaty". A few houseplants, & little pleasurable comforting habits like good coffee. And "hygge" vibes, especially in winter. Lots of soft cozy stuff & soft lighting. Positive content & recovery stories during the day, & audiobooks to wind down in the evening. Everything you can possibly do to love yourself, in other words. Oh, breathwork is great too, & can be done in short stints & still be beneficial. There's also lovely ambiance stuff you can find on YouTube like "cozy log cabin with crackling fire" or "mediterranean restaurant by the ocean " & nature sounds. Last but not least, better boundaries. This all has helped me manage my condition.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 16/12/2024 01:08

they'll all be divorced soon and just like you.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 16/12/2024 00:58

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/12/2024 21:47

By the time I was 40, I was a single mother to 4 children, and I felt too that i'd made the choices that led to it. But without those mistakes I made and then had to live with (still do, really), I could've been rather naive and possibly smug too.

Anyway, I loved being single and having time with my kids, although it was very hard too and I definitely felt sorry for myself at times. Three is a difficult age - you wait till DC is in school and suddenly wants to tell you all the rules - it's such a dramatic change and then it will feel easier. It won't always be so expensive either, doesn't have to be.

Everyone's got some difficulty in life, that's what you have to remember. No point looking enviously at others. Allow yourself the wallow, then pick yourself up and make the best of what you've got.

Exactly this 👏 I look enviously at others with full, rude health and wish I had it again. My health was ruined a decade ago when I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by off label psychotropic drugs that gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder.

I've spent a lot of this time being down about the absolutely awful and hellish time I've had over the years, having a body that I literally can't control (different body parts move on their own, and i get tremors, weird sensations and involuntary movements of my mouth, tongue and other tic type things, even my brain tremors sometimes... terrible is an understatement...)

But, live and be grateful. I have 3 wonderful children, a job I've just started and a good, extremely supportive and loving family who are my life. Things are absolutely awful at times with perimenopause thrown in now too, but I get up every day and live life today as best as I damn can. You can too, OP. Things can always be worse and there is always something to be grateful for 🌟❤️

Jerkaround · 16/12/2024 00:47

Moonlicker · 16/12/2024 00:41

You're right about the gratitude habit. I bought a beautiful gratitude journal & haven't written one word in it, but instead am working on a habit called "thought catching". It's a form of brain retraining. I've gone from being a busy musician with a full social life, to being housebound with ME. The rage & sadness & grief & lack of acceptance caused me further suffering. I've decided to try my best to repeatedly switch to gratitude for what I do have. It can be hard, (living with chronic pain too), but honestly, it can really make a difference the more that you do it e.g. seeing my home as a retreat, rather than a prison. I keep tweaking my environment when I feel able. It helps. You can start to see more possibility then, too. Good luck, OP.

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You sound in a very similar position to me, well done for reframing, I’m happy to accept any ideas from you and home tweaks too if you don’t mind?
don’t want to hijack the thread!

Moonlicker · 16/12/2024 00:41

ghostfacethriller · 16/12/2024 00:05

This is not rock bottom OP, not even close. But it sounds like you are stuck in a rut and possibly have a degree of depression. It's very easy to ruminate on your past when you're depressed and it can make you feel so much worse.
Honestly this is going to sound cringe, but try keeping a gratitude diary. I was hesitant as it sounds like a load of woo but I tried it a few months ago - my DH was constantly telling me I was so negative about everything - and within a week I did feel better. It did shift my perspective on a lot of stuff and I felt lighter and happier. I've let it slide though, so need to start again myself.
Oh and if you are feeling unhappy with your face try facial exercise, there's plenty of resources online. I've a cynical, grumpy family member who is a retired Dr who surprised me recently by saying that facial exercises do work, as the principle of building muscle in the face is the same as building body exercises. They're usually the first person to tell me what a con most health & wellbeing stuff is.

You're right about the gratitude habit. I bought a beautiful gratitude journal & haven't written one word in it, but instead am working on a habit called "thought catching". It's a form of brain retraining. I've gone from being a busy musician with a full social life, to being housebound with ME. The rage & sadness & grief & lack of acceptance caused me further suffering. I've decided to try my best to repeatedly switch to gratitude for what I do have. It can be hard, (living with chronic pain too), but honestly, it can really make a difference the more that you do it e.g. seeing my home as a retreat, rather than a prison. I keep tweaking my environment when I feel able. It helps. You can start to see more possibility then, too. Good luck, OP.

Calmomiletea · 16/12/2024 00:40

Feliciacat · 15/12/2024 21:28

I think keeping your child at age 37 is presumably a good choice (assuming you wanted children). I say this as an infertile 37 year old so no shade meant but you may not have had another chance to have children if you’d not kept your daughter.

It sounds like you’re rueing your choice of partner. However, those men in your 20s must not have resonated with you if you didn’t have a relationship with them. That’s ok. I am sorry it’s not worked out with your ex. Do you think you could try dating apps? It seems like the lack of a partner is your main concern.

"Keeping your child.. " what in the world.. you'd think you were talking about a dog or a cat. Unbelievable

FineandDandie · 16/12/2024 00:35

Thank you for posting this. I'm in a very similar situation and could have wrote the post myself. The replies have been really helpful to read. We just need to hold fast and look on the bright side where we can!

Zee1993 · 16/12/2024 00:32

I think you’re mourning what ‘could have’ been instead of being grateful for what ‘is’

I’m a single mum to a toddler too and it’s hard physically, mentally and financially but would be so much harder if I was stupid enough to stay with my little ones dad based on what I thought ‘could have’ been. It just wasn’t reality. I’m slogging through a lot of the days in survival mode but my love for my little one and the life we’re sharing together grows so much every day. Your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning. I promise.

Moonlicker · 16/12/2024 00:30

miniaturepixieonacid · 15/12/2024 22:46

I agree with others that you sound depressed because, objectively, your life isn't at rock bottom at all - you have a healthy little girl and a good income which is something huge numbers of 40 year olds don't.

I'm also 40. I have a good social life, a fulfilling job, hobbies I love - quite a lot going for me. But I'm single, have no children, have a mental illness and am below average looking. Nobody has it all.

It sounds to me like you have some things that most of us would consider 'good things we should have at 40' but that you don't have others. Like most 40 year olds, probably.

Great answer!