Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

You don’t need to be foot loose and fancy free to have a great life. Take pleasure in the small things. Bedtime stories and playtime with your daughter. The fact that you had a good 15 year career under your belt before maternity leave. The fact that you are a Mum (half of women who are childless at 30 never get the chance, even though most hope to have children). And you’ve got so much to look forward to with your little girl as she grows up. It really is a joy and a blessing. I guarantee that when you are old and grey, you won’t think as you describe here at all. Try to enjoy each moment. Children grow up so fast.

Your child is very young and it can be a hard stage of motherhood. If you had really wanted to marry one of these men you would have done it - it's easy to look back with rose-tinted glasses. At 40 your romantic life is nowhere near finished but don't feel you have to rush into online dating. It may feel as if you're facing an interminable slog but in the end when you look back it will seem as if it has all gone by very quickly. You have a good job which is a blessing and I'm sure you will meet people organically in all kinds of ways as your child grows up and you have more freedom. Make friends where you can - I met one of my best friends in the local park when my kids were toddlers.None of us look 20 when we are 30 but men really don't care - and when you have more time to yourself you will feel and look rejuvenated. Just look after yourself and have faith.

Exactly, & very polite. Takes quite a bit of engineering to get an insult from it!

Very much this. I'm at a similar stage of life and TBH plenty of us are looking back and going 'Yeah, that didn't quite pan out how I expected.' The friend with the big house who seems constantly worried about money, the friend with the husband who seems to be solely responsible for the four children and wonders where the emotional support went, me who always imagined children but...

We all imagined how we were going to do it right and not make the mistakes other people did. Well, we ended up with normal, imperfect lives and it really is about muddling through.

You’re a 40yo single parent.
That is not uncommon and not some sort of doom.

My life is the complete opposite of yours.
I had a baby very young as a teen, missed out on all of my partying years etc and it’s only now that I’m able to start having independence and getting a career.

I love my life and my DC but I am so envious of your life that you did all of the fun stuff and didn’t waste your life being a parent or being in a dead end relationship.
You lived your life, had your fun, got your career and now you’re doing the parent bit.

You don’t need a relationship to be happy.
It definitely won’t be with the child’s dad.

Have fun focusing on being a mum and when the times right the right man will come along but you’ve got your shit together and so you can be choosy about who gets to be your partner.

Life isn't over. Life with a 3 year old on your own isn't easy. But life's not ended. You're only 37.

There are a few things in your OP that sound overly negative, like depression. Everyone's looks fade over time. Life doesn't end because of it.

You have a daughter. As she gets older she might become the family you'd otherwise not have, the joy of your life.

Your career is being hit right now, unsurprisingly, because of single parenthood. But it gets easier, and you can progress it as and when you're ready.

I think some therapy and a different outlook could help you see the glass half full a bit more. I speak as someone with a history of depression and substance abuse amd so I'm walking exactly the same walk I'm talking.

Good luck. 😘

OP I’ve been there. I was a single parent with a daughter. Within 5 years I had DH and a baby. Life is not over

You had an idea of how your life would be. Our lives rarely look like we had imagined them before life happened.

It's the turn of the year coming up. A great time to think over things, and a great time to let go of things that no longer serve us. I sometimes think we sort of pre-mourn times of change, if that makes sense - we get very uncomfortable, sometimes unhappy, because it's time for change, and change is difficult.

But change is the one thing we can be sure of!

I could hazard a guess that in another twenty years you and your life will have changed again, possibly enormously and possibly in ways you can't even imagine right now.

I'm also recc'ing this book, 'Feeling Good'. It's American, a bit cheesy, and a bit repetitive, but it really does help drum into you that the stories you tell yourself can be the root cause of much of our suffering:

https://feelinggood.com/books/

All the best, OP.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Stop comparing yourself to other couples and families in your hometown. Honestly, many marriages are unhappy - plenty of wives confide this to friends or children talk about how unhappy their parents are to their friends at school. Better to be a single Mum than unhappily married.

To put this in perspective, last year my friend’s husband got his mistress pregnant and left her to be with the mistress and baby. She convinced him to go back to her and she has kept this entire sordid affair and the baby’s existence a secret from many people in her life. Now that’s a life temporarily ruined of you ask me. Not many people would think so from the outside. I’ve seen Dads from school on dates with women who are not their wives… Honesty, to me this is worse than what you are describing.

You can maintain good looks as you age with a healthy diet and exercise. There is Botox if you want that. It sounds like you have a good job. Things will get easier as your little one grows older.

In the meantime, you have a lot to be grateful for and you will be happier if you focus on that. Life isn’t perfect, and perfect easy lives are not so perfect or easy on closer inspection.

40 is no age at all

The grass is always greener on the other side. Those people you are looking at wistfully will have things they regret too you just don’t know about it.

Good Luck OP you have a child a home a good job. It will all work out.

Life goes in phases. At the moment you have no freedom because you are a single mum and have a young child. Best thing you can do is throw yourself into enjoying every moment you have with your DD as much as you can. When she is older, your focus can come back to you again a bit more. Even women with partners often go through this. My DD is now 16, and even though she still needs extra help and attention due to her additional needs, I have a hobby now that has widened my circle, and I have a bit more time to look after my appearance. I felt more like you in my 40s when she was younger, but I made the most of having fun with her. This isn’t rock bottom, things could be a lot worse. You have to seek out the small pleasures and bide your time until you can find your identity again as it will happen.

OP nobody can be as much fun with a child as without. It's just phases in life. And life has a way of happening to everyone; you aren't always in control, least of all when it comes to 'reproduction' (such a weird word). Ease up on yourself.

I think you're grieving for a somewhat unrealistic notion of how your life should have turned out. I have kids, husband and a career of sorts, but managing the 'dual-career' situation/squaring my and partner's career has been hard on our relationship and therefore the whole family. There's so much that can go not-to-plan.

I do hear you about loneliness; that is a scary prospect. But it is in no way a foregone conclusion. You've got so much ahead of you at forty. It's understandable that you grieve you pre-child self, who you clearly liked a lot. But your life's not over. Take care.

It might not be your thing, but a little bit of Botox does wonders for self esteem 😉

Very good advice. I second the good luck

Honestly OP, so many couples divorce in their 40s. You yourself may have ended up single even if you had married.

Looking from the outside, many people appear to have perfect lives, but often the reality is quite different.

Jesus how nasty are you

You could have done everything right and still end up on your own, with three kids, single mother and spent your best years up to your eye balls in nappies, your looks fading even sooner.

As it stands, you had fun and now it’s time to settle down, if that’s what you want.

I have done everything back to front, had a kid in early 20s, bought house in my 30s and got married in my 40s. DD gave me away.

So, stop ruminating and decide what you want now, then get on with it. Good luck!

Just to say it can also be hard being a parent, especially a single parent, at this age.

In a couple of years it will feel very different and by your mid 40s even more so.

You can pick up your career again as your child gets older but also enjoy developing a wonderful relationship with her over the next decade and a half.

Start resistance exercise now and it really stands you in good stead through these years. You'll have more energy at 50 than you do at 40! And it also helps skin

Similar position and it is blimmin hard being a single parent...as all costs do come down to you. Altho you do get maintenance which a lot of us don't..
I do see friends that married in their 20s and now are mortgage free and children are grown up etc. But I love having my child and am proud I've done it on my own..but yes wish I'd bought a house when younger as now can't buy one as single income etc and can't afford to save while renting. Have an OK level job but 40/50k doesn't go as far as you'd hope when all bills fall to you.
Be proud of that you do..not many people understand the amount of work it is being a single parent. A friend met us on hols a few years ago and, while lying sunbathing as I dashed about, commented she'd never realised how much I had to do...and that was on hols.

I’ve seen a couple similar threads, people 35-45 saying it’s hard being alone etc. Is there any interest in setting up a networking or support space? Here or on WhatsApp or something?

It seems like a lot of people are in the same headspace maybe we can support each other & help each other make connections.

Then let it go for a bit. I had a baby at 37 as a mostly single parent and was fine. Catch your breath and look at each problem individually. Need a bit of papering? Book a babysitter and take the time or do a deal with another mum. There was never quite enough money but we scraped by.
Feel you've stuffed your career? Make a plan in the full knowledge you might need to compromise a bit or it might take more time-but you can and will get there.
It's harder by yourself so ask for help. Friends, ex. his parents, your parents, whoever. The company of adults is important.
Make a little lime to love your child. You have so much life still to live.
I have no advice re dating but I'm sure others will. Somehow, you need to learn to love yourself again.

I got married at 40. Had my first DD at 41 and second DD at 42. The my marriage ended. So I became a single parent at 49! And I hear you OP. Its really hard living on one income and trying to manage a career...but...we're role models. And if your DC sees a miserable, negative parent thats what she'll internalise as her norm. It not always easy to be upbeat, positive and slap on a smile but i found making a daily gratitude list really helped me focus on what I have not what I haven't.

Where’s your family? Sounds like you need a hug.

Ah, 40! I remember the sprightly youthful days of 40... :-)

Seriously OP, it sounds like you're going thru a rough patch and I sympathise. It's easy at this time of year to start looking at what you have and what you think others have got, and decide you're lacking. It's also a time of year when many people get caught up in regret for roads not taken. BUT...it's a trick. And a waste of time.

Firstly, those other families you mention might look great on the outside but things are always more complicated behind closed doors.

Secondly, if you are healthy, your child is healthy, and you have an education, marketable skills and above median income, you are winning at the lottery of life. You're pretty much in the top 20 percentile of humans on the planet.

Thirdly, you're NOT in a rut. You just think you are. Make Jan 2025 the month where you begin something completely new in your life. Take up netball, hiking, live action role play, crocheting, whatever you fancy provided it's something you have never done before. Just learning something new will get your brain out of its rut and open up new vistas of joy and possibility.

Avoid the sentimental slushy Christmas regret trap. Your life is going to keep getting better from here. X

No-ones life is perfect OP. All these lovely men, you’d have soon seen their flaws (we all have them) if you’d settled down with them.
Being a single parent is hard and your career has been affected but at least you have your child.

As for losing your looks and realising the world is maybe not your oyster any more (if it ever was), well you’re in the same boat with a lot of us. Solidarity.