Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

I think your post sounds very much like you wanting to travel the road untraveled, simply because it's impossible to now do so.

It's a state of mind. We all make choices along the way which predetermine certain outcomes. That's life. However, not everyone dwells on them. You appear to.

If you want my advice concentrate on bringing up your little girl. She's only 3 and you have a wonderful opportunity ahead of you to create a magical relationship together.
There will be parents with fraught relationships with older children out there who would give anything to be able to go back to when their child was 3 and do it all over, making "better" choices.
You are living their dream now, make the most of it.

Life moves on from our expectations. And the bliss is to be found in the ordinary moments in between the shit bits. Good luck to you and your little one, do the things you love.

There's a book you should read OP, called The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig. I have a copy and happy to post for free because I definitely think it will help you.

I too made mistakes - not sure if because of nature or nurture tbh - but I also think you're in the thick of it currently with your child, and things will get better and easier.

I honestly think that you are just tired, the early child years are exhausting, but in a few years you'll look back more fondly on the woman you are now - a woman with a career, child, home and doing it all herself than the woman who was getting uncomfortablely plastered at 37 just to impress a man.

All that has happened is that life has chosen a path, there aren't the endless possibilities there were before you had a commitment. However, you can get to your 40s and see these paths are dead ends rather than having lots of potential. To have everything you do is great, honestly, you should be proud of yourself.

I think your feelings are totally valid. You've aged, you're a single mum, yeah it's not what you hoped for and there's a fair bit to grieve.

I think you do however need to stop the mindset it's all my fault. I do really believe these things happen for a reason. I don't believe you lost these amazing potential men and would have had an amazing life with husband and two kids. I believe this was your destiny for whatever reason. I think it's futile kicking yourself now.

In the future when your child is more independent, it's very very possible that you will like your life and how this came about. You could be running around 10 years later after a husband and kids and utterly dead inside but trapped with no freedom.

I urge you to read the multiple threads on here! Being free and able to do things is so so huge. You have to just sit tight. 3 is a lonely age kids wise. When she gets to 5/6 you will feel different guaranteed.

Grim but not unsalvagable.

Ye.s, deeply unhelpful

Seemed a bit negative to me tbh

I think you will need to spend some time grieving for what could have been but ultimately you will need to find a place of acceptance and move forward. Feeling like you do is much more common than you think and 40s is a time when some doors close on you so I do think it’s quite a poignant time for reflection especially if life turned out quite differently to what you hoped. It’s just a phase though and you will find a way through and start to feel better.

I think it’s easy to look back with rose tinted glasses and see a magical alternative life, but that doesn’t mean you messed things up because it didn’t happen.

Was it really dysfunctional that you let the men of your earlier relationships go? You said one of them really loved you, but did you really love him? There’s a reason these men weren’t the ones for you, don’t torture yourself by thinking you could have had an epic romance with men you didn’t feel were right for you at the time.

You were 37 when you had your little one - whose to say if you hadn’t had her whether you would have met a perfect man and had multiple children with him? You might never have had the joy of children at all without the accidental pregnancy - maybe that was the universe working out in a way that enabled you to have a child even though you hadn’t me the right man yet.

Finally - give yourself grace. Your daughter is very young and therefore needs so much from you. It won’t always be that way. You’re still young, there is still so much time for you to really focus on your career, your hobbies and yourself once you’re out of the woods of parenting a very young child. Don’t write yourself off yet.

You assume you won't have any more chances to meet a partner now, but that is simply not true. Book babysitters and get out and meet people. You can still enjoy yourself and who knows what might happen.

Just wanted to say hold on in there OP. I found the baby/toddler years very draining and aging but then you start getting more sleep, more exercise, take a bit more time on skincare, blow drying your hair etc. and you bounce back.
You are honestly at a superb age to meet someone great. You now have the maturity to choose wisely which you openly admit you did not possess before. It’s all waiting for you OP and you are lucky enough to have a healthy DD. Just enjoy Christmas and take it from there.

OP you are very brave to have continued a pregnancy, alone, with a commitment-phobe at 37, and I am not surprised it feels hard being alone with a three year-old. In a year your daughter will be at school and you will probably have more energy to think about online dating. My kids are older and there was a time I never thought I'd want a glass of wine again let alone go out, but things change. You are only 40! It's young, try to see that. You might meet someone and have another child in your forties (plenty do) or you might meet someone with gorgeous step-children. Someone I know has been alone all her life and chosen to adopt and couldn't be more over the moon about it.

Forget 'The Dream' and make the most of the present. Plenty of us have things we feel sad we didn't do or could have done. Plenty of us wasted time on men who weren't worth our time. I should have a much more interesting career and another child in an ideal world. Living somewhere European, being bilingual and wafting out to the market every morning.

You w only lost yourself for this moment of time because being a parent is hard- especially being a single parent and the sole provider.

Be kind to yourself; start by slowly giving some more time to yourself- even if it's a manicure every few months. As your little girl grows- you'll find yourself again.

It's so easy to look back and say I wish I'd done this instead.... but then you wouldn't have your little girl. She's the gift that is worth it.

It gets easier as they get older. Small steps.

X

Your post focuses a lot on your looks. While it's true there are plenty of stunning women in their 40s and well beyond, it would also be helpful to de-emphasise this as key to your success. It's going to lead you to passivity ("ah well, I've missed my chance to improve my life now I'm 'washed up'!") rather than look for what you can improve.
What do you want life to look like? What matters to you? What steps could you take to move 1% closer to that life?

Life goes on, you'd have been 40 anyway and thinking your looks and prime time were over. Don't think there is one person on here that can say they feel better at 40 than they did at 20, it was without a doubt an easier decade than this one to live in. We didnt have phones or social media and we were free.

I have a now 8 year old and noticed that around year 2/3 in school the mums, seem a little more free. The children are a bit more independant. We're in year 4 now and it feels like we as mums are all gearing up for the next phase when they start to fly and we gain our selves back. ots of mums seem to have lost weight, or are in different jobs.

Look forward to that, time really does fly. Small children are draining. I remember feeling like I was off a long haul flight for years.

Take some time for yourself, self care is important, but don't look back regretting it all. If you hadn't had a child I guarentee you'd be writing another post about wanting something you felt you had missed out on.

Time to move on, OP. I think that having a small child is pretty hard work at any age and it certainly puts a gulf between life before and life after for all of us.

Now focus on the future and building a positive life for yourself. It’s a bit immature to have regrets, although completely understandable. You don’t know how any other scenario would have worked out. I have friends who appeared to have it all and then life took scary turns and it wasn’t the perfect life they thought it was.

It sounds like you have life figured out tbh. You had your child later so you managed to do well in your career and earn decent money.

It doesn't sound like you've ruined your life it sounds like you have grown up and are a little nostalgic about your youth. We all are! Perfectly normal

OP there's always someone worse off than you. I know it's all relative however.

Don't you have family that you spend Christmas with also ?

You have read all the very sad posts on MN from women who did marry, give up careers, have three lovely children and discovered their ‘loving ‘ husband was a lying cheat? Few people have the perfect life you crave. You may think you have ruined your life but you are responsible for your own happiness. Begin to count your blessings. People like happy, contented people. You may still meet your ‘dream’ man.

@Breeisae I can relate to your feelings. I also thought I “had it all” in my 20s and early 30s - I was married, had a career and thought everything was going according to plan in my life. But then very suddenly I became a lone parent with a baby. Life was very hard in those years. Like you I actually had a very good income but still found it hard as I had to be responsible for everything. In terms of my career, it went on hold and I was just treading water - not progressing as I could not do the 12 hour days required to get ahead.

But - the one thing that kept me going was my dc. Also, things got better as my dc got older. Those early years are the hardest. OP - your life will get better.

OP I was 43 I had a DH, 3 DC and a job I Ioved. Then DH cheated on me and my world fell in. I got a divorce, sold out home and had to sell my shares in our business to him (court ordered). It took a while but I found a new partner who I married and he helped me bring up my youngest DC from 8 years old and help with elder DS who was a teen. We bought a house together and started a new business together. We've been married for 19 years now and very happy. It's never too late to start again with a new partner. Choose wisely.

I don’t think you can beat yourself up over missed opportunities. I’m in a similar situation to you now at 43 and facing divorce and poverty and loneliness for the rest of my life, but I had a totally different approach to get here. I married young and had 3 kids, now the youngest is 15. I threw away my degree getting pregnant in the final year, then threw away any hope of a decent career as a stay at home wife in a country I couldn’t legally work. I put all my dreams and hopes in my partner and then he did the depressingly cliche thing of having an affair with a colleague and giving up on our marriage.

people will tell you you still have half a life time ahead. I say go to therapy. It helps a bit. I hope you find yourself and come out of this with a positive outlook.

I understand your thinking and perspective. You are longing after the good old days now life is much harder as a single parent with no imminent change in sight. Your life revolves around your child with little space for you. I get all that. Thats life as a parent. I think you are comparing yourself to the image of the perfect families you see around you. I once made the mistake of going to centre parks as a single parent with grandparent. I dont recommend it. Perfect familydom shoved down your throat at every corner. But what I have learnt now my child is 13 is that many of those perfect families are really not perfect. They are a facade and inside there are many issues and lots of lonliness too. Life is hard for all sorts of people in all sorts of ways. By all means spend a few months moping about yesteryear. Then pick yourself up and try and become more resilient. Instead of focussing on what you dont have focus on what you do have. Practice gradtitude journalling. Find some single parent groups / networks and arrange meet ups with them. Or communicate with them online. Get some self care interests or activities - even if it is just doing a yoga youtube exercise in the evening or listening to audiobooks. Make some friends. Maybe get some childcare in place and start dating if you feel like it. Or if not now then once your child is older. Your child wont always be young. At 13 I have a lot more time now. You will get your chance for love again in the future. In the meantime you could do some work on yourself and look at the whys of your previous relationship patterns. Read books about it, listen to podcasts and educate yourself. Probably there is a childhood connection. You will be ok x