To feel so fed up of struggling as a single mum

mum10103 · 2024-12-15T21:03:49+00:00

I am just so fed up of struggling - mainly financially. Despite working whilst juggling the kids I still just about get by which I know I should be grateful for and we have a roof over our heads. I think this time of year the pressure is really on, I am fed up of seeing family's going on nice Christmassy days out, holidays etc and frustrated at not being able to do the same. I am struggling to get presents, various school and club collections which I haven't managed to put into this year, I work so hard, in a school and then have 4 cleaning jobs I do round this to boost my income, with the rising cost of living I can barely keep up. I took the kids out to our local town today with family, we went ice skating which was lovely its the only festive treat they've had and was paid for by a family member who sends money each Xmas and I put a bit towards it. I couldn't afford to buy them dinner there as a burger was nearly £10 each and hot chocolate £4ish so they shared some chips for dinner and I'd brought some snacks and drinks from home. I couldn't afford for them to go on any rides like the rest of the family so we just watched the others. I just felt so down keep telling them no, they do understand but it just feels so rubbish not being able to treat them. I literally cried on the way home as I just feel like I'm failing them despite my best efforts.

FannyFernackerpants · 16/12/2024 19:01

I could probably (just about) afford to do some Christmas activities with my kids (I say kid's, they are 18 and 14 so not little) but I work full time and have a few long term health issues along with an injury that should recover.
I do not have the energy at the weekend to traipse around Christmas activities, I have enough on my plate keeping the house ticking over and I'm not even a single parent. My kids will do nothing Christmassy this year except for the day itself and I feel truly awful about it (obviously more for the 14 year old, the 18 year old is more than capable of sorting themself out).
In my book you have done really well to take your kids ice skating and you should be proud that you have treated them to something. Especially considering that their useless father is not contributing.

Milly16 · 16/12/2024 18:21

I'm fortunate enough to be in a position where we can afford all those christmassy things and days out. The reality is that we're all exhausted from work and school and more than happy to stay in and watch a film or play a board game together (especially if it's something christmassy like charades). We spend a lot of time walking the dog together and have been to some free carol concerts. Christmassy events you pay for tend to be extremely busy and tiring tbh. Also, your kids are learning to be happy and content without the next exciting thing. I promise you, that is a great gift to them, much greater than a whirlwind of pricey activities.

Original poster

mum10103 · 16/12/2024 17:20

@MarchInHappiness a birthday lasagne sounds right up my street! What a lovely tradition!

@s3tut0y3r
yes his parents are aware, they actually do not speak to him due to this and various other reasons. They do help with the kids, they pay for the eldest twos phone contracts which is a massive help, they will buy a few bits for school at the start of term and odd bits and bobs where they can and they see them most weeks and have a good relationship with the kids now so I cannot fault them.

@Eyerollexpert
I’m sorry you had to go through that, I know it’s not the be all and end all and do try to tell myself we are much more fortunate than most but it does just get to me sometimes like last night. I think the fact that the last few weeks I’ve also been so busy juggling everything, work, school clubs - the kids are lucky to be able to do these so we do have some fun stuff - it’s just the extras for this that stretch me like the Xmas parties and two of them needed outfits - one needed a suit (he just had to go in school uniform and I brought a cheap tie) and another needed to be an elf, I haven’t don’t Xmas jumper days as I just cannot afford that same with matching pjs etc!

@theeyeofdoe
it’s a bit more complicated than that, for reasons I don’t want to put on here as I think people will link to my other threads and usernames but he wouldn’t be required to pay for the situation he’s currently in. He is a very manipulative man it turns out and since we’ve split he’s just been vile on every account - hence why even his own family now won’t speak to him.

@Happytoday45
we do do a lot of play dates tbh I find that’s the thing my children also enjoy the most! I actually a couple of years back before I was so broke managed to convert the garage into a little den and found a sofa,old console, desk etc on local Facebook for free so in the summer the teens have a place to hang out and be as loud as they want (it’s not connected the the house!) I like the idea of asking friends to bring a contribution! I never even thought of that but I think if I hosted the other parents would happily do that to avoid the mess! I quite like the kids having their friends round I like knowing who they are hanging out with a knowing they have a safe space to come and just muck around, they are all generally well behaved and polite!

@hattie43 family did pay for a token each for mine to be fair but theirs had the bands so they could just keep going on. It would have cost £100 to buy 4 bands so I would never of expected them to do this, one of the other members is also a single mum so I know she struggles with things like this too but hers didn’t ice skate hence why they got the bands. Mine wanted to skate but were not so fussed for the rides - we had spoken about it beforehand, they knew not to keep asking and that I had a £20 budget, I thought I’d get a bit more for that though, I thought I’d be able to buy them an item of food each.

@Jellycatspyjamas yes my big two already help with the elf! They are more creative than me, my daughters friends have also come up with ideas over FaceTime they all plot it together once little one is in bed!

Thanks everyone for your great ideas! We have a woods locally that is full of holly! I might cycle over with the kids and collect some bits to make some wreaths, that would be really fun and I have wanted to do that. I am sure we could cut some cardboard circles out and we have a hot glue gun to stick it (my daughter’s favourite thing!) Would we not get in trouble if we cut stuff from the trees though?

We’ve done some film nights that always goes down well and I make a little diy pick and mix with cheap supermarket sweets! I have been doing quite well with the foodshop keeping it down as really it’s only dinners we need as school provide lunches where we live.

OP posts:

DreamCatchingSpiders · 16/12/2024 12:50

Hi, I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. Single parenting is so, so hard at times. Sending solidarity and peace your way..

KnittyNell · 16/12/2024 12:24

s3tut0y3r · 16/12/2024 08:20

Have you spoken to your ex's parents about him not contributing?

What do you think they should do?

Jellycatspyjamas · 16/12/2024 09:21

Any suggestions for Christmas free actitivies would be welcomed! I am so overwhelmed I can't really think straight at the moment.

You're spanning a tricky age gap where stuff the younger one would like the older won’t be interested in.

My DD13 has taken over elf on the shelf - she loves an elf and I stopped thinking my two were too old but each morning I find the elf has been up to some nonsense in the night. Might your 14 year old do that for your 6 year old?

I set up a family games night - various board games, pizza, snacks and hot chocolate in Christmas mugs. We get a new board game each year as a family Christmas present.

We also have a pj day/movie marathon - make beds up in the living room, easy party food for lunch/dinner, popcorn (easy and very cheap to make your own) and watch a multi movie series like Marvel or Star Wars. I make mulled apple juice (mulled cider for me) and it feels both chilled and a bit festive with Christmas lights and candles.

I also use Tesco vouchers for a cinema trip, and I always take drinks and snacks from home.

We have a lot of craft materials in the house so I’ll set up a crafting station with card (old Amazon packaging), glue, glitter etc for them to make Santa stop here signs etc.

We do go into town to see the lights and Christmas market. I give the kids £10 each to spend as they choose on rides or whatever and take drinks and snacks from home. Nothing focuses their minds on how overpriced things are when they see how little they can get for their money. My DS has been know to keep his money because “we have hot chocolate at home”.

I know it’s very hard when you see other people doing things you couldn’t afford/justify but most people need to make choices about how they spend whatever money they have, and I absolutely refuse to pay overinflated Christmas prices for stuff I can do easily and more nicely at home. You are working your arse off to provide for your kids, they will grow to appreciate that - which doesn’t help now but you sound incredible.

hattie43 · 16/12/2024 09:07

I think it's a bit mean of your family sending their kids on rides whilst yours watch from the sidelines . I'd have paid for yours aswell , it doesn't take a genius to realise funds may be hard for a single parent but always know you're doing your best .

Happytoday45 · 16/12/2024 09:01

I always got mine to throw parties with their friends and ask their friends to bring a contribution.

this worked perfectly right though late primary up to end of college!

I was so broke when they were little, so this was a few hours absolute chaos (and a few hours free childcare for the other grateful parents) and never cost me a penny and they were a lot of fun!

all their mates would arrive with bottles of pop or bags of crisps or whatever and I would put a couple of pizzas in and hide in the kitchen or later, upstairs. Then just had to tidy up later.

they’d then also get lots of invites back. I’d do them in school holidays and seasonal events and that meant I knew all the kids and parents and they would invite mine to a lot of things too.

thats what kept my girls non stop entertained and so many happy memories and photos. We didn’t even have loads of space then, so we just made it work.

Know this is worst nightmare for a lot of people but for me it was a lifesaver

theeyeofdoe · 16/12/2024 08:53

mum10103 · 15/12/2024 21:23

Thank you everyone, sad to hear I am not alone in this! The children are all a bit old for children centres type activities, 6-14 years old. Their dad doesn't contribute at all and I already have a csa claim open with about £6k of arrears he's built up, he now quit his job to avoid paying. But that's another story. I do have a little family support in that my dad had the kids while I work longer hours a couple of days.

You can still take him to small claims to get him to pay.
Sorry you’re having such a hard time OP.

Jerkaround · 16/12/2024 08:53

Eyerollexpert · 16/12/2024 08:49

This was me a few years ago. It's hard, very hard. I hope you are reading this in time to NOT buy anyone but your kids anything. Take the pressure off yourself and send texts saying " sorry for late notice but I'm not in a position ATM to buy gifts for you all, and am using my very limited funds towards Charlie and Lola I hope you understand?"
Do not feel embarrassed, you are working your ass off to provide for your family.
The weather makes finding activities that are free difficult in winter.
I also had an ex who keep changing jobs to avoid maintainence, they are unbelievable.
Try to enjoy your Christmas, I can 100% assure you your kids will know when they are older who was there for them and made sacrifices and who wasn't. 💕

Agreed. I’m in the same position and only buying my kids presents, nobody else.

Eyerollexpert · 16/12/2024 08:49

This was me a few years ago. It's hard, very hard. I hope you are reading this in time to NOT buy anyone but your kids anything. Take the pressure off yourself and send texts saying " sorry for late notice but I'm not in a position ATM to buy gifts for you all, and am using my very limited funds towards Charlie and Lola I hope you understand?"
Do not feel embarrassed, you are working your ass off to provide for your family.
The weather makes finding activities that are free difficult in winter.
I also had an ex who keep changing jobs to avoid maintainence, they are unbelievable.
Try to enjoy your Christmas, I can 100% assure you your kids will know when they are older who was there for them and made sacrifices and who wasn't. 💕

RockPaperS · 16/12/2024 08:30

I don’t know if this helps, but I am now telling the DC before these events that we won’t be buying any food / drink / tokens etc as they are overpriced. Easier when it is agreed beforehand IMO.
Instead we take snacks and we also decide on something else we could treat ourselves to for a fraction of the price (yesterday it was hot chocolates at home with mini marshmallow as the even we went to had a marshmallow fire pit).

s3tut0y3r · 16/12/2024 08:20

Have you spoken to your ex's parents about him not contributing?

MarchInHappiness · 16/12/2024 08:05

DD is 26 so those days are long gone but are still etched in my memory. Unfourtantely days out just become expensive - transport, entry ticket, it ends up food / drinks. For the two of us it could end up being the best part of £20, and this was 10-20 years ago. I dread to think of what it costs these days. At Christmas, I use to take her to Santa's grotto and ice skating but nothing more than that. In summer hols, DD got to chose one paid activity per week (e.g movies, swimming etc).

The biggest mum guilt moments were when I couldnt afford to take DD out for her birthday tea before payday, I always made lasagne at home and chocolate cake, and all these years later she always talks about how wonderful her birthday lasagnes were (better than her lovely MIL's as well). I guess what I am trying to articulate is that you do not have to spend a lot of money to have fun.

lateatwork · 16/12/2024 08:03

Some ideas:

Paper chains- can make using any old unwanted paper- eg magazines, newspapers, old school work etc
Christmas centrepiece - eg out of Lego, garden foliage, boxes etc
Name tags for the table

Activities

Carols- nearby church
Christmas lights
Winter walk- treasure hunt? (Eg make a sheet up and say... Shiniest pebble, something purple ..etc) They could maybe bring a friend?

For giving out presents on Christmas morning, could do via a hunt with clues... This way unwrapping takes longer so don't need to buy as many presents....

Michnmartc1234 · 16/12/2024 07:52

Have sent u a PM XX

atesomanybananas · 16/12/2024 07:44

Someone upthread suggested planting bulbs for an activity . We’ve done this - old cans, decorated (and no sharp edges!), and they make great gifts too, so multi purpose. Some bulbs are half price at the moment.

Original poster

mum10103 · 16/12/2024 07:34

We've already sold some of their toys but I have had to use that to fund the new ones if that makes sense?

I did have my daughters friend round for a couple of hours this weekend but I couldn't have her to stay for for dinner as they were meant to be at their dads but he cancelled last minute and so I had no food in and they literally had to have scrambled eggs on toast and I had only enough slices of bread for my children to have one each. That's the kind of things I'm embarrassed of and how I'm struggling. Again cooking is fun and we do sometimes but cooking ingredients are expensive it's not something we can do all the time.

OP posts:

Daisy12Maisie · 15/12/2024 21:53

Yes love the idea of a previous poster to get each child to have a clear out of stuff then take it to charity to make way for new things but also to remind them that some people don't have anything.

Daisy12Maisie · 15/12/2024 21:52

What you are giving them is a peaceful home. So no screaming arguments or abuse. Single parenting is really hard but it can be better than the possible alternatives.
I've brought mine up on my own although their dad does see them once a month. They have honestly turned out so well and I'm sure yours will too.
Food was always a good thing for us. We cook together, talk about food and what we are going to have/ make. So I would recommend making some Christmassy food together as a not hugely expensive activity. Eg make mince pies or Christmas cookies. Then you could eat them or they could be a gift for your dad or whoever.
Both my teenagers love to cook and it's always been a social/ special thing we do together.
Or drive round and look at the best Christmas lights in your area one evening. If you post on your local Facebook group people will tell you where they are.
If you want to do something just for the kids that doesn't cost much sleepovers/ having friends are always good ones. Couple of pizzas from Asda and that's an evenings entertainment.
I think most people get overwhelmed in December by having too much on. The theatre etc is lovely but not if you are already stressed out/ under the weather/ tired etc. sometimes a day at home in dressing gowns watching a Christmas film is nicer. Negotiate with the kids for one evening that each of them can choose a film to watch (then they can do whatever they want but you want to see them for a couple of hours).
Get one child to help you wrap the presents for the other one. Christmas music on and you can have a chat with that child one on one. Then swap.
I think it sounds like you are doing a great job and actually with kids doing your best is fine. You don't need to do an incredible job with everything perfect for kids to turn out well and be happy.

StarDolphins · 15/12/2024 21:45

Please op, try not to think this way. Your kids are very lucky, they have a lovely & loving mum, a roof over their head & are fed. They’ve had a lovely day out & have got Christmas presents. Their loving, stable mum that’s doing her best is all they really need really. I had nothing as a kid but I had my mum & I say this without an ounce of arrogance but I’m a very happy, stable & great adult. You’re doing fine!

Edited to add..I’m a single parent too & In previous years have spoilt my DD & it has the opposite effect.

SlimMcSlim · 15/12/2024 21:38

mum10103 · 15/12/2024 21:30

Any suggestions for Christmas free actitivies would be welcomed! I am so overwhelmed I can't really think straight at the moment.

I have managed to get the kids their main xmas presents just stockings and the rest of the family to go! 🙈

We have quite a few nice local parks, we walk or cycle into the local town to save on parking and petrol as that is something I am struggling with at the moment too.

Similar age children here…

Carol services
Walk to gather greenery to decorate the house
Christmas biscuit making and decorating
Movie afternoon/night
Making and writing Christmas cards (we always have a stash of blank white cards)
Challenge each child to find 5/10 toys/books to donate to your nearest charity shop and give them a couple of £s each to buy a present for each other in there too (this is a lot of fun for my children but we do have some great charity shops nearby!)
Planting some bulbs inside for January or Christmas gifts

Original poster

mum10103 · 15/12/2024 21:30

Any suggestions for Christmas free actitivies would be welcomed! I am so overwhelmed I can't really think straight at the moment.

I have managed to get the kids their main xmas presents just stockings and the rest of the family to go! 🙈

We have quite a few nice local parks, we walk or cycle into the local town to save on parking and petrol as that is something I am struggling with at the moment too.

OP posts:

PumpkinPie2016 · 15/12/2024 21:25

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling 😢 it really is hard, especially this time of year.

I'm sure your children had a lovely time ice skating ⛸ with you.

I have a friend who is married, both in decent jobs, but with 3 children and all the usual bills, they can't afford to do much either. We usually visit each other's homes so the kids can play - the kids genuinely love it and feel they have done something, but it doesn't cost us anything.

My son is 11 now and still loves a walk on our local bridle path - nothing special, just a walk with me/DH and we take snacks from home. He also loves watching a Christmas film at home, with snacks bought from the supermarket. Playing board games is another favourite.

I know it's a cliche to say kids just value your time, but they really do. I asked him the other day if he wanted to go somewhere Christmas eve but he just wants to be at home.

You sound like a lovely mum who works hard to give your children lots of love and whatever you can afford - in years to come, they will absolutely remember that x

MarryMeTomHardy · 15/12/2024 21:24

I get it...I am lucky to have a good job but still this time of year is tough, I don't think its just the Financials, DC is pretty easy to please - it's the loneliness you mention. Everyone seems to be having these lovely festive days out so are busy/not available to meet & I can't join any of the adult nights out (if I could afford them) etc as no childcare - people have stopped asking me...but comparison is the thief of joy.
We are safe (from Ex-DH) happy & healthy, sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of that 💐