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Original poster

3 day argument: Am I overreacting?

229 replies

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:34

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones).

His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late.

He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am.

To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa.

I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa.

We have barely spoken since.

I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me.

He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk.

We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off.

I realise I might come across as the fun police.

YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it
YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

OP posts:
Original poster
VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:36

ClaireUnderwoodforPresident · 15/12/2024 22:34

@VolcanoPedalo reading between the lines I'm going to assume your DH is emergency services? Police by any chance? (Given all the talk of 'shifts' and mid week days off?) 99% of posters here won't get the sacrifice and annoyance of being married to someone who's Job takes over the whole families life. YANBU!

I could hug you right now

OP posts:
Original poster
VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:35

I've reached out to apologise but also explain that my reaction is a symptom of feeling lonely, invisible and exhausted.

I hold a lot of resentment, which we'll need to address. Including for him running up almost £10k in secret credit card debt which we've been trying to pay off for years, meaning we haven't had a proper holiday in almost a decade. Including me taking on 99% of the load of the family and household (which he doesn't dispute). So yes, I've overreacted to this. I'm at breaking point.

OP posts:
ClaireUnderwoodforPresident · 15/12/2024 22:34

@VolcanoPedalo reading between the lines I'm going to assume your DH is emergency services? Police by any chance? (Given all the talk of 'shifts' and mid week days off?) 99% of posters here won't get the sacrifice and annoyance of being married to someone who's Job takes over the whole families life. YANBU!

LPOG · 15/12/2024 22:33

@Themaghag someone deserves a hard time because they dared to have fun at a Xmas do? Get real.

AnotherSunnyDay7 · 15/12/2024 22:33

From a guy's perspective, I think you are being unreasonable.

Damned if he woke you up with a late night text or shake to say he was home damned if he didn't.

I suspect there are broader issues that are leaving you feeling unappreciated, you should put this argument to bed and address the real root cause with a conversation.

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 15/12/2024 22:29

@Themaghag him obeying her was 'shoddy' and deserves 3 days of arguing? (as the title says)
Awful.

Themaghag · 15/12/2024 22:27

I'm going against the grain here OP - I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I hate these fucking Christmas parties which seem to hand adult men, who should know better, an oven ready excuse to get totally rat arsed and act like adolescent boys. How would he have reacted if it had been you staying out late after saying you would be home at a reasonable time, knowing full well that he was facing an important meeting the next day? My guess is he would have been furious. You are right to give him a hard time - hopefully he will have the sense to be a little more considerate in the future. There's no reason why we should continually be granting useless and selfish men endless free passes for their shoddy behaviour.

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 15/12/2024 22:23

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2024 21:43

There’s nothing to address. No conversation is needed beyond you apologising to him for being a controlling resentful nightmare.

Exactly. No conversation is required, you should apologise, and if you don't like the man get divorced.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 15/12/2024 22:21

Sorry OP, yabu for 3 days straight. I hope you don’t get similarly angry for days on end when your DC do exactly what you told them to do.

TrickorTreacle · 15/12/2024 22:19

"He is a man-child, as one poster has suggested. He's hiding instead of having a conversation about it."

That's because@VolcanoPedalodidn't allow a conversation because she went all ham at him then gave silent treatment. So he's gone back to his "mummy and daddy" so that he can have an actual conversation about the matter with people who have common sense - his parents.

Volcano, you come across as controlling.

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 22:17

AgathaLioness · 15/12/2024 22:12

YABU about the sofa but YANBU about the getting drunk and being immature by walking away from his responsibilities when he could stay and plead his case and make amends, or stand up for himself if he really truly believes hes in the right

What? You think he should have to plead his case for having a few too many at Christmas and not waking his wife up? You think it's ok to berate someone for 3 days? I'd be off to my parents too. That's controlling and abusive.

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 15/12/2024 22:16

He wasn’t planning to have a big one then after a few pints changed his mind. It happens to all of us everytime.
Sounds like you are being a bit controlling, why does he need to reassure you several times?
Unless he sold himself as a tea totaler who never went out and he was aware this was a dealbreaker for you before you got together then YABU

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 15/12/2024 22:16

AgathaLioness · 15/12/2024 22:12

YABU about the sofa but YANBU about the getting drunk and being immature by walking away from his responsibilities when he could stay and plead his case and make amends, or stand up for himself if he really truly believes hes in the right

Why isn’t 3days long enough to plead your case when the OP hasn’t budged and isn’t the apologising type?

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 15/12/2024 22:14

BunnyLake · 15/12/2024 21:31

I randomly checked my son’s phone today. He let me have it when he went to Uni. I wish I hadn’t checked though as his phone showed it was in the River Thames. My anxiety shot through the roof. I checked again half an hour later and it was back on a normal street. I’ve vowed never to check again unless it’s an absolute necessity.

Show quote history

I have had that in Amsterdam too. Showed my DH had driven into a canal and I kept refreshing it 👀 it stayed in the canal and for a moment though OMG did he swerve to avoid a cyclist and end up in a canal with the DC in the backseat?! Then I realised these trackers are not that accurate within a major city because signals bounce off the buildings. Had a good laugh about it later.

AgathaLioness · 15/12/2024 22:12

YABU about the sofa but YANBU about the getting drunk and being immature by walking away from his responsibilities when he could stay and plead his case and make amends, or stand up for himself if he really truly believes hes in the right

3luckystars · 15/12/2024 22:08

Yea totally unreasonable but you are exhausted so look into solving that problem. Separate rooms maybe?

Sunshineandoranges · 15/12/2024 22:08

Yabu

DILLEYDALLEY · 15/12/2024 22:05

You obviously weren't that worried if you couldn't even be bothered to nip downstairs to see if he was home.

Didimum · 15/12/2024 22:04

This isn’t really about the work night out, OP. This is a culmination of resentment.

HooMoo · 15/12/2024 22:04

YABU he did what you asked

diddl · 15/12/2024 22:03

Tbh if someone told me that they wouldn't get drunk & stay out late I'd be pretty annoyed if they then did.

Especially if a week night & I had to get up the next morning.

I find it hard to settle until they're in.

I know that's not their problem but if someone says they'll be in at a certain time I tend to not be able to sleep until then & then worry the further past the time it goes!

BobbyBiscuits · 15/12/2024 22:02

The tracker said he was out but he was in fact on the sofa asleep?
You told him if he gets rat arsed not to wake you or come to bed. He didn't.
I don't see why you were worrying. You knew he was on the lash and you had a big important meeting. It's not really his fault you woke at 4am unless it was caused by him crashing around the house.

Hazylazydays · 15/12/2024 22:01

Much ado about nothing.

Let it drop, it’s a minor incident in the great scheme of things, is it honestly worth fighting about, absolutely not, he did as you asked, stop whining and get over it!

ttcat37 · 15/12/2024 22:01

YABU, soz.

You did ask if you were overreacting, and most have said that you are. Were you not open to accepting that you were?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 15/12/2024 21:58

YABU he did what you asked you should have checked the sofa.