I’m buying my own Christmas presents agIn

20 years here and that’s not what happens

That’s good to hear!

It shows you’re still interested in them and pay attention when they speak.

Indeed. It’s cliche but it’s literally the thought/effort that counts for me. I don’t mind if they want a hint sometimes but overall I need them to put in effort to find something for me the same way I do for them - but each to their own I guess.

I had a now former friend that I’d bought bday gifts for and her children many times before. We used to speak almost daily and had known each other for decades.

She finally decided to get me a birthday gift one year and she made such a song and dance out of it, it took all the joy away. At one point she even asked me to choose something on Amazon.

I flatly told her no. She didn’t have to get me anything but if she had decided to she should put some thought into it instead of trying to make me do all the work!

20 years here and that’s not what happens. In a good marriage the spirit of gifting is alive and well. You still want to find something to surprise each other. It shows you’re still interested in them and pay attention when they speak.

Taking somebody’s credit card is meaningless and transactional. May as well just transfer each other some cash and do away with the sham of exchanging presents.

Yeah I would feel that way - personally I love the fact my partner and I take the time to choose gifts for one another but I guess we’re still a relatively newish couple.

Maybe after decades of marriage this is just what happens 😆

Practical but slightly mercenary. It really does make it just about the money doesn’t it?

I take hubby's credit card and order some things I want every year.... he may get me something but then I know I have something I am looking forward to. I also don't tell him what it is and wrap it up- so it's a suprise fir him....
After a few years of being disappointed this is the best way of getting what I want!!!

I give my DH options and he picks one. He’s not a mind reader and can’t guess what I want.
not taking the kids out is lazy on his behalf.

I would now put a stop to buying for his family. You aren’t his secretary. Tell him that he needs to sort and get it to relevant people as you don’t have time.

you might need to lose your shit to get him moving so plan when you will do this ahead of the big day as there is still time to order

Like fuck would I be buying for that man's family.

i just give my husband a list of some things I’d like and some things I need and pick one from each. It is annoying because that is just another thing I have to do every year.

Twice he has bought me something genuinely brilliant and thoughtful so I know he can but he is incredibly disorganised.

i don’t get to be disorganised though and neither does any woman I know?

I totally misread that… oh dear peri brain. Sorry Ophy. You are correct 😆

My December life has improved dramatically since my best friends and I had a discussion in summer 2022 about not buying each other presents but instead buying a bottle of wine 'in their honour'. It reduced the shopping bill (and posting cost), it reduced the worry about finding something perfect, it reduced the to do list. I have since had the discussion with other friends which was easier once had with my besties. Also with my brother and sister in law I now just send chocolate (but of course send presents to kids). My aunts and cousins and I agreed to donate one sum to charity instead of exchanging gifts back about 10 years.

It is liberating.
After spending more on postage for advent calendars than I did on the calendars this year I am going to think about an alternative next year.

?? Her DH in particular should be extremely embarrassed if she has no gift to open.

What? You can’t possibly mean that?

Your husband should be teaching your child to plan, buy and give you a lovely present. This is what nice people do.
Tell him so.
If you have nothing to open, just say oh it's ok, I'm going to get 'insert lovely expensive item that you desire' in the new year and then go ahead and buy it.

They've got loads of time before Christmas yet. Go ballistic now, to save having bad feeling on Christmas Day.

In your house perhaps they are. In mine, everyone gets presents. You do you and leave others to do things how they like.

Firstly, stop buying for his family, absolutely ridiculous that you do that. He's a big boy, he can sort it himself, and if he doesn't, that's on him, his family should have raised him better with more consideration for others. Also stop getting him anything, why should you? Find your self respect and stop allowing yourself to be treated like this, you deserve better.

The amount of women who seem to accept no gifts as the norm when they've sorted out presents for others is very depressing.

I'm not sure grown men needing to be spoon fed lists is much better either.

Please just stop buying presents for your DH and his family. I assume that if you have nothing to open, his family don't buy you any presents either. You can't change your DH and his family into decent people but you can change what you do. Don't feel guilty about stopping the present buying as they certainly don't.

I don't understand why people let this stuff slide if its upsetting them. I'd not buy yourself anything, and when there's nothing to open I'd be asking my family - "you mean none of you got me anything? After I've bought all these presents for you/cooked all this food etc etc etc?"

It's not your who should be embarrassed at having nothing to open!

Why buy presents for extended family? Do they accept a present from your family and give nothing- not even for your dc? That would stop instantly if it were me.

Your dh should be taking your dc out to buy something for you. It should be a nice time, with your dh spending time with dc, getting hot chocolate out, chatting. Spending time with dc.

If you have to, do the above, let dc wrap it. Your dh sounds as if he takes you fir granted. Do you discuss Christmas or do you take on the role of his mum and he doesn't even feel like it's his job?

If you really want a present, given that some people don't seem to do presents, a list with Amazon links is the way to go. A big list so choices can be made and you aren't quite sure what you will get. Make it very, very clear that presents are expected. Your partner/husband is lazy. And stop buying for his family. That's his job.

Your DH should be taking your DC shopping to buy a present for you or a least sourcing a gift, helping to wrap it and making sure a card is written.

If he doesn't do this, don't buy anything for him. If you don't get a gift from DC, neither does he. Don’t get your DH a present from yourself if he gets you nothing. If you have nothing to open then your DH shouldn't either, see if he likes it then.

Stop making the effort for his family, why is he not doing that? More fool you (sorry, OP!) for falling into the ‘wife work’ over the years. Send him links, tell him this is what you want and he’d better get presents for your child too. Stop (gently) being a doormat. Stop getting him stuff.

I no longer buy my own presents. Years of getting nothing for my birthday either.

YANBU to feel as you do, to post about it here, and to tell your husband in unmistakable terms that either he starts handling his gifts and DC's gift to you competently, or else you both agree no gifts for anyone and all buy your own. (You can do a gift card or cash for DC and handle your own extended family and friends as you like.)

Everybody's different and maybe the norms your husband grew up with re Christmas are very different from yours. Maybe if confronted, he'd say he never asked for all of your carefully-chosen gifts and he'd rather skip the whole thing. But even if so, if he knows how important this is to you and is still being lazy and shitty (or passive aggressive) about it, that shows a serious lack of care for you. And your resentment of the situation must be overriding pretty much any joy you'd otherwise get out of the whole process of giving and receiving gifts.