People say they are coming over at a particular time and then are an hour or more late. Why?

OP I feel exactly the same and make sure am ready for my visitor, if they are late I can get quite pissed off and wish they weren't then coming

This annoys me too. I've had a friend who was supposed to come over to collect something and didn't turn up.. arranged the next day and forgot... arranged again then told me the next day sorry her child was unwell (I understand but a quick text wouldn't hurt) I was waiting and waiting and it's just rude. If I'm saying I'm going to be somewhere, I make sure I turn up.

Maybe adjust the agreement so it won't be about a very specific time, but some kind of range? Or agree some "not before" time and ask for a message when they set on the way with adjusted estimate.

Being exactly on time is rather hard (for many people) and managing it typically means being early or waiting close to the location or something like that. However, being early when visiting someone's home is not polite, as they don't have to be ready for you just yet. Actually, in some cultures it is good manners to come 10-20 minutes after the agreed time, to give the host extra few minutes to be ready.

When meeting friends we typically set half an hour window when we expect them to arrive and they let us know asap if they realise they won't make it in that timeframe.

From my point of view if others are visiting me, it isn't that big deal, I am at home, I can relax and it is much less stressful for me to wait at my home than for anyone else trying to be on time.

I admire your strength.

I would stick a note on the door saying:

'I was here at the agreed time, you weren't! I've now gone out!'

I wouldn't bother actually going out, but would probably stand and watch discreetly from a window, to enjoy seeing their reaction, when they realise you're no longer prepared to sit around awaiting THEIR convenience. Then when they text to see where you are, don't answer it, leave them wondering, like they leave you. I doubt whether they would be late again without letting you know.

This I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you just say, ‘Oh, I wasn’t expecting you until X and I’m afraid I’ve got to go and do Y now, could you just look after yourself for a bit?’

If it’s me, it’s directly related to my state of mental health. I used to be always on time, and like pp think it’s rude and selfish to be late. I just can’t do it any more. Leaving the house is really, really hard and it doesn’t matter how early I start getting ready, I will always be late. If the options are late or not at all, I will never be able to see anyone again. So I need people who will be patient with me and my lateness.

Cleaning and vacuuming should have already been done and out of the way so I don't see how that's relevant. But even if you have OCD and need to clean all the time they'll just ring again or call your phone if you don't answer the door.

Just get on with your life while you're waiting, no one's expecting you to sit there waiting for guests on a chaise like it's Downton Abbey. Do the things you normally would.

I think you're reading far too much into it. No one is sitting at home thinking, "I'll wait around here with nothing to do for another half hour so I'll be an hour late, that'll show them who's boss"

I used to do that with the midwife and HV when my kids were young Bloody people think I've got nothing better to do then wait In for them

Tbh I don't really get people rick up late to meet these days All my friends and relatives have had 30 years plus of me not pandering to it.

YADNBU

I don't tolerate it because of pre mobile days and if you said you were going to be somewhere at x time you were. Leeway of up to 15 mins.

I am not interested in being messaged to say running late by over 15 mins. Get off your phone, get your shit together and get organised.

Long journeys are different.

One of my brothers does this. Always at least an hour late. He's wonderful but also incredibly selfish so I think this lateness is just part of his rather self absorbed nature (that seems to also have been passed on to his wife and son...). I've got used to it! (I just add an hour or two onto their expected arrival time and assume "3pm" means "between 3.and 6pm"... I also add on a week or two to expected replies to invitations/texts etc... 🙄🤷

This infuriated me too. That time from 2pm until they come where you just feel like you’re waiting is such dead time isn’t it? You can’t busy yourself or relax as you just feel like you’re…waiting! I hear you!

If I needed milk, I'd text my mum can you pick up some milk and she'd get it on the way. I can't relate to some of this at all. My brother pops things round to hers all the time. I do agree if people rarely call round and it's a proper arrangement, then more than about 20 min late is a little annoying.

We have ended up eating meals that I've cooked for friends at the agreed time and then told them they're too late when they finally turned up.

I've also answered the door when family turned up hours late because they couldn't be organised enough and said they'll have to come another time.

We all are still friendly but they now arrive on time when invited round.

Set your boundaries.

Yep, wait 30 minutes at the most and then go out!

Do that a couple of times and they'll soon learn!

Well presumably you'd need milk to make them teas and coffees. Not having any in for prearranged guests is worse than them being 15 mins late, surely? If they'd arrived at 10 and you didn't have any milk, would you just offer water or juice?

No, I’d not necessarily planned to be out of the house, but there may have been places I’d wanted to visit, but couldn’t, depending on their arrival time.
Say, if it was a Sunday and I needed milk. They said they’d be there at 10am. Supermarket didn’t open until then. If they were running late, I’d pop out and get the milk.

I wouldn't be cancelling your other plans. The time you agreed with your family member factored in yoru other plans, presumably. It is so very rude to turn up so early when they knew you were supposed to be doing something else. Extremely controlling.

Have you considered anger therapy??

But you weren't planning on being out the house 15 minutes after the time you'd agreed, were you? You'd planned your day to be in the house at that time, with them. I don't understand you going out during the time you would have been at home with them just to put them in their place. Surely if you had something to do and you were so strict with your time would have done it before their "time slot", or afterwards, because if you were that busy no doubt you have an end time for the visit planned too.

Yes, apparently they'd finished the things they had to get done in a nearby city and so just thought they'd pop over early. I get that it's family and I wouldn't mind if they came over and just did their own thing. It's the fact they wanted to be entertained for the entire time.

On the other hand, this family member gets annoyed if you arrive 10 minutes late due to traffic (on an hour long journey)

Close family, I would turn up within the hour, but not be that precise, I'd stick an extra wash on or whatever, my mum would do the same back, we aren't precise in the same way as we'd be with friends or for events, it's just a more casual come when is convenient, not an appointment in a diary. We do have keys to each others and would just go in anyway, or text if running very late or someone needed to nip out, it's just not a formal time for us.

"early not really