People say they are coming over at a particular time and then are an hour or more late. Why?

I have ADHD. If I'm late, it's not because I'm rude or disrespectful. It's because my brain is wired differently and I'm disabled.

I put strategies in place to cope with my timekeeping, which work most of time. However, they don't always work, and it makes me feel shit and like a failure. Holding it against me is a sure fire way to trigger an anxiety spiral.

PS I only found out I had ADHD in my 40s. That was quite a lot of time of being late, not understanding why I couldn't just be on time, and feeling miserable. Unmedicated people with ADHD really do struggle with timekeeping for reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Set up an earlier arrival time for those who are late. Eg you have dinner planned for 8pm, tell them it is 7.30pm.
If it is not at a restaurant but ay my place and I am hosting I would not actually be too fussed if someone js a bit late to be honest, as i know things may happen that delay them and they are most likely already stressed. Why add to that? You just start on time without waiting for them. They will themselves already feel bad arriving late.

And that's fair enough BUT they shouldn't then whinge when I'm not in

If I was cooking I'd tell them the meal would be ready at a certain time. If not there by that time they could eat it after they eventually arrive when it had been heated up in the microwave. I've no time for rude people.

Did she change after that, @Rubyupbeat?

Midwives / health visitors can't work to fixed timescales in that way. If they allocate eg 30 mins per patient, inevitably some appointments will be quicker / longer than others. Would be nonsense for them to eg sit in a car park waiting until your fixed appointment at 11am, or leave you in a crisis because they absolutely must be at their next appointment at 11am

An old friend of mine was always late,be it for a booked restaurant, or popping round mine for a coffee. One day I was so pissed off waiting in a restaurant for 40 minutes, I left a tip, walked out, then bumped into her at the door. She was really surprised, but I said, ' believe it or not I do have other things to do' and went home.

My DH and I are really good time keepers- never late for anything and hate others being late.
However, our DD is 21 and gas ADHD. She is late for absolutely everything, it drives me mad! We'd booked to go out for Christmas dinner last year at 2.00. She was so late that we'd eaten our starter and were on our main course by the time she joined us. Her food sat on the table,getting cold. She actually still lives at home so didn't need to travel far to the pub but she was nowhere near ready when we needed to leave so had to come in her own car. Every job she's had, she's late- even when she didn't start till 6pm! We've tried different strategies but they don't make any difference!

My parents had friends who were ALWAYS around 2 hours late for everything, so after several decades of frustration just started telling them a different time to everyone else. Eg there would be a specific get together planned and everyone was meeting at 4pm, they would be told 2pm. It seemed to just lighten a load in my Mother overnight.

Why not? Think that's an excellent idea. Id have fun watching reaction on the ring bell

@MadnessIsMyMiddleName - you wouldn't actually do that would you? Stick a note on the door and say you have gone out. Was that tongue in cheek

I would just tell them I need to go out at 3pm and stick to it. That way they have an hour max and if they're late that's just tough luck.

I invited my friend and her DP for lunch at 1pm and they turned up at 11am once. I was so annoyed. I wasn't ready, hair half dried, trying to prep lunch, etc.

Being more than 10 minutes early or 10 minutes late is just rude.

@bridgetreilly not sure why you feel the need to be so snippy.

If someone knows they are likely to arrive that much too early is it really so difficult to either think for themselves and go off and do something else for a few hours, or at least text up front and say, "I'm going to be earlier than expected, is it ok?". You don't know the reasons why someone might not appreciate you turning up early and you shouldn't have to explain to anyone why it's not convenient.

Maybe some just appreciate their privacy more than others and it's a massive invasion of privacy to just rock up several hours early unannounced.

Huh? What do you mean, ’put in the position of having to say that’? You just say it. It’s not difficult.

My family aren't like this but I used to have two friends who did it. They don't anymore because I let them know what I thought of them.

I have to agree.
My SIL is always late, she has made people miss flights, by "wafting".
She arrives late for every single thing. (Oh, but wait, she was on time for her son's wedding....)
We have arrived for lunch invites & she isnt home.. we hang around.
She arrives late when invited.
She smirks, everyone indulges it.
I cannot stand it. So am refusing all ongoing invites including Xmas dinner.

I had a 8am HV appt and they were still bloody late. It's not as though I never had anything better to do with my time. Like the school run for example

Only ever saw the MW with DD2 once. I explained I was out of a morning but be back by lunchtime. So what did the do? Ignore that and rock up at 10am

Fortunately by the time DS came id learned than all these visits weren't compulsaryso just said no

You have to ensure people who are consistently late have consequences. Easy enough if friends, as they become former friends. A bit more difficult with relatives I accept.

I think you're onto something with the pre mobile days bit.

Pre mobiles we would strange to meet say 11am and everyone would get buses etc that would be due to arrive 10.30/10.45am and people would wait until 11.15am and then go on.

Nowadays someone can text to say they are running late so don't bother about being on time.

They can be text to ask whereabouts so don't bother informing people they are late.

And the worst one is getting a text about a better offer and just deciding to do that instead.

But I'm with those who don't bother with people who think their time is more important than mine.

I had a friend like this and would tell her to come an hour earlier than I wanted her to arrive. And then stopped inviting her.

Well that's stupid, it won't be their fault they're late, will it? You might be the 8th person that day, and they might have spent a bit longer at one mother's house because the mum broke down in tears, or they're trying to get across town in rush hour.

I think the most important thing with that is to be completely honest with people when making plans.

If they know you’ll probably be late, and why, then it’s going to be much easier to be patient than if they just think you can’t be bothered.

I'm quite often late as I have to rely on public transport and I think I do have some ND-related time blindness...it's rarely more than 5/10 minutes and I always text and let the person know.

Because they didn't ask if it was ok that they were arriving early. They just showed up and why should I be put in the position of having to say that? It's just basic courtesy (unless it's someone very close, who might regularly expect to spend time on their own in your house) to at least just call up front and ask.