Page 9 | Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

Mamana127 · 2024-12-15T11:51:38+00:00

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love. They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either. This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right. I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind? when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you. i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me. I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty. I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 17/12/2024 00:20

Does he buy your children seperate gifts from you? If not point that out to him. I would also say it's not just how they treat you but your children too and that you feel it's better not to keep trying.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 17/12/2024 00:11

healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 23:28

But surely if they ask him why they haven't got presents he can tell them it's because of the way they behaved every single year? Why would he not take advantage of that opportunity?

Hopefully he will because things are changing round here. His tendency to leave something for a day or two surfaced again this evening when he asked me if I’m serious about not buying them gifts. I said yes like a heart attack, then he said well that will just confirm their fears then you don’t buy them presents and you are not here to entertain them as guests when they come. I just laughed and said oh well my fears were confirmed many years ago and this is how it’s going to be from now on or you meet up with them in a put like you do sometimes. And left it at that.
I told him if it’s so important to the to receive gifts from me then now we are married he should buy gifts and put my both our names on them after all we are married we speak as a team.

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Original poster

Mamana127 · 17/12/2024 00:04

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 16/12/2024 23:19

Maybe the step kids don’t want to get into exchanging gifts and you’ve not picked up on it? Maybe text them and say you’re sorry you’ve been slow on the uptake but you’ve got it now and won’t be gifting in the future

I’ve thought about that too because sometimes they reject the gifts. But it’s my DH who always instigated this are getting anything for my girls? Even when we are holiday I’m required to buy something. Maybe he is trying to show them “ I’m nice” I don’t know. I’ve tried having conversations with them when they visit but it just ends up into yes or no conversation where I’m priding and they answer with two liners. You know I’ve actually scared of speaking to them I can’t txt them. They will turn it into a big thing. If they don’t mind not receiving gifts from
me they will just breath a sigh of relief then, won’t they.

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Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 23:57

saffronspices · 16/12/2024 22:55

I would say that you're right not to buy for them anymore. You've bought them gifts for years and found out that they don't appreciate them according to MIL. Your DH just doesn't want them upset but it's OK that you're upset, in fact he gets angry at you when you're upset.

Broken/split families are never easy to navigate especially when a new family forms from what once was 'their family'. To see you and your children happy with their dad, as a family, must be painful for any child and difficult to accept. The only way a break-up can be explained to children/teens is if both their parents are honest with them if and when they ask questions. Most relationships don't break up that way - none that I know of have. There are always casualties.

What's your DH's relationship like with his ex? Does she have a new partner? Why did their marriage break down? These are all factors that play a part in the bigger picture - it sounds like there's resentment towards you from your stepdaughters even though you have said your DH had other relationships before he met you. I would guess that once you moved in together it showed permanence - dad's not coming back! Then you had a child together which cemented your relationship further and then you got married. You're entitled to do these things, you're not responsible for how anyone feels about them - if anything it's DH's responsibility to explain to his children - but that's down to him - it's his baggage so to speak.

I think you buying presents for his children separately was a mistake, he should have put all your names on together & then him buy them something separately if that was necessary.

As you go through life it's very bumpy and our feelings get hurt by all sorts of things, there's nothing worse than ill feeling and people not explaining why or why not - you're just left with the hurt for even caring.

Good for you doing therapy, I know it's an invaluable tool when things get tough, it's hard trying to please everyone else whilst neglecting ourselves - put yourself first sometimes just like everyone else seems to xx

I have never met the ex face to face so I go by what my DH has told me:- that they fizzled out, were constantly fighting and slept in separate bedrooms for years. His version. My MIL also said negative things about her but she said she changed used to be nice. (Probably know why) 😂
I’ve really stayed away from their issues as it had nothing to do with me, I only knew what MIL told me but I know when I had the baby they were all distraught even asked him that she will allow him back together if he could cut links with me and the baby forever. He refused. These all came from MIL 😂 we sound so dysfunctional don’t we 😂.
Yes she has got a boyfriend who live separately.
their relationship is up and down, when he can’t meet her demands she blocks him. Gets the kids to tell him to do it and he runs there even if it means missing work.
She blocked him when we got engaged, then unblocked him when she needed him to fix things. She blocked him again when we got married for a long time but they are talking again I believe. They have kids so I guess it’s natural that they talk.
I guess they hate me because I meant permanent breakup but I honestly just met a single guy and fell in love with him. My DH is a great guy but he just cannot navigate or blend the two families together, he is the happiest when his girls are talking to me nicely and visiting which I always make absolute effort. I have done everything in my power to try and have a relationship with them but they are just not interested. He has to have two holidays one with them and one with us.
my MIL told me that the relationships he had after leaving could not handle the pressure his daughters and ex put on him. They left. I left too at some point. He would say ok I’ve changed then back to square one. I don’t want him to neglect his girls that would break my heart. But I also don’t want to feel how I’m feeling anymore.
i think he find me easy to let down and confront that the others and that tells me a lot.

OP posts:

healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 23:28

But surely if they ask him why they haven't got presents he can tell them it's because of the way they behaved every single year? Why would he not take advantage of that opportunity?

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 16/12/2024 23:19

Maybe the step kids don’t want to get into exchanging gifts and you’ve not picked up on it? Maybe text them and say you’re sorry you’ve been slow on the uptake but you’ve got it now and won’t be gifting in the future

saffronspices · 16/12/2024 22:55

I would say that you're right not to buy for them anymore. You've bought them gifts for years and found out that they don't appreciate them according to MIL. Your DH just doesn't want them upset but it's OK that you're upset, in fact he gets angry at you when you're upset.

Broken/split families are never easy to navigate especially when a new family forms from what once was 'their family'. To see you and your children happy with their dad, as a family, must be painful for any child and difficult to accept. The only way a break-up can be explained to children/teens is if both their parents are honest with them if and when they ask questions. Most relationships don't break up that way - none that I know of have. There are always casualties.

What's your DH's relationship like with his ex? Does she have a new partner? Why did their marriage break down? These are all factors that play a part in the bigger picture - it sounds like there's resentment towards you from your stepdaughters even though you have said your DH had other relationships before he met you. I would guess that once you moved in together it showed permanence - dad's not coming back! Then you had a child together which cemented your relationship further and then you got married. You're entitled to do these things, you're not responsible for how anyone feels about them - if anything it's DH's responsibility to explain to his children - but that's down to him - it's his baggage so to speak.

I think you buying presents for his children separately was a mistake, he should have put all your names on together & then him buy them something separately if that was necessary.

As you go through life it's very bumpy and our feelings get hurt by all sorts of things, there's nothing worse than ill feeling and people not explaining why or why not - you're just left with the hurt for even caring.

Good for you doing therapy, I know it's an invaluable tool when things get tough, it's hard trying to please everyone else whilst neglecting ourselves - put yourself first sometimes just like everyone else seems to xx

therealduchess · 16/12/2024 22:12

It's a bit odd (purely in my opinion, of course) that you would buy separately from your DH. Surely gifts are from you both when you're married?
I totally understand why you'd want to stop buying for them but, personally, I'd continue. Just seems a bit churlish to stop now when they're in their mid twenties. Again, just my opinion!
I do feel that you need to talk to your husband about this and make sure he realises how hurt you are.

Pensionswew · 16/12/2024 22:00

I reckon your husband has deliberately screwed you over upon marriage regarding the house.

You are married a long time not to have more than the bare minimum.
Definitely seek legal advice because I wonder would you be able to contest what he has allocated you.

He most certainly is not a good man.
He's a weak little weasel.

You deserve so much better.

Starzinsky · 16/12/2024 21:51

Your DH should buy gifts from both of you.

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2024 21:37

I find it so bizarre he expects you to get them separate presents. Most families just do joint. Why are they so special?

ThePoliteLion · 16/12/2024 21:27

OP, please don’t buy these spoiled madams another thing.
And be very firm with your husband. He’s in the wrong.

Donsyb · 16/12/2024 21:26

Tandora · 15/12/2024 16:31

YANBU at all on the Christmas presents OP and well done for sticking up for yourself.

However, while we are here discussing this, I’m going to play slight devil’s advocate and suggest that maybe the wedding date thing was ill advised, and perhaps the start of the negative relationships with your DSDs?

How old was your elder DSD at that time? Why was getting married on that date so essential for you? Was it really necessary to start the marriage in a power-play with your DSD over who is top dog/ your DH is going to put first?

Edited

Pretty sure she said the DSD was 27? And DH would have know it was the day before her birthday but was happy to get married that day until DSD kicked off.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 21:12

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/12/2024 21:06

But has he only willed his half of the house?

He cant will all of it, it just doesnt work that way.

As others have said, you are more likely to end up with your fair share of the assets if you divorced at this rate!

All the money he has put into the house which is the majority goes to his kids if he dies. But I really need to look into this because the way they treat me they might as me to buy them out or put the house on sale or something. I’ve just been so involved in raising my kids and not had a thought but since this post I’m researching and will definitely see a solicitor independently to understand it all.

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WonderingOneOfAll · 16/12/2024 21:11

wizzywig · 16/12/2024 20:57

I'd wrap an empty box for them to open

👏👏

WearyAuldWumman · 16/12/2024 21:10

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 21:08

It’s not easy. But not for all, some people are really lucky and get good families. I’m really great friends with my ex and his new Mrs we even go for coffee and she comes for birthdays, we buy her gifts etc. my kids love her and I got to know her as she is spending time with my kids and gives me feedback. Looks after my kids so well when they are with their dad. I picked the wrong straw 😂😂😂😂

Show quote history

Sounds like it - but on the other hand, it's good that you get on with the ex and his new Mrs.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 21:08

WearyAuldWumman · 16/12/2024 19:48

@Mamana127 Mamana127
bless you if anyone had told me what it’s like being in a relationship which has a first family I would have ran a mile

My husband was a good bit older than me. I reckon that that was part of the problem, so far as his daughter was concerned. (Ironically, she and her partner had the same age difference and she was the OW!)

DH told me that - after he was gone - he wanted me to find myself another man. I told him that there was no way that would happen: there's no way I'd put myself through the strain of a "blended family" again.

It’s not easy. But not for all, some people are really lucky and get good families. I’m really great friends with my ex and his new Mrs we even go for coffee and she comes for birthdays, we buy her gifts etc. my kids love her and I got to know her as she is spending time with my kids and gives me feedback. Looks after my kids so well when they are with their dad. I picked the wrong straw 😂😂😂😂

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WonderingOneOfAll · 16/12/2024 21:07

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 16/12/2024 19:49

They sound very entitled and your dh is enabling them.

Precisely
Your husband’s answer in this says a lot why DSD act in such a bad way.

Stand your ground and focus on your relationship with your kids 🌸

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/12/2024 21:06

But has he only willed his half of the house?

He cant will all of it, it just doesnt work that way.

As others have said, you are more likely to end up with your fair share of the assets if you divorced at this rate!

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 21:04

Greywhippet · 16/12/2024 20:02

YANBU but also what are these magical jobs that pay such incredible wages to people in their twenties? I’m regretting my life choices

Legal and investment banking. It’s never too late love ❤️

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Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 21:03

22mumsynet · 16/12/2024 20:15

Marriage revokes a Will unless the will is made ‘in contemplation of marriage’. So if his will was made before you married without this clause, and he hasn’t re-signed it he now doesn’t have a Will. This would mean that the intestacy provisions would apply and as his spouse you would be the first beneficiary entitled to £322k and half the rest.
www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

We both have will which was updated after the marriage. I’m not fussed about the inheritance stuff as long as I’m not screwed over. He can give his inheritance to his kids it’s his choice, I’m also doing the same to my two kids and not much to my youngest as she is covered in his will.

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Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 20:59

wizzywig · 16/12/2024 20:57

I'd wrap an empty box for them to open

😂😂😂😂😂😆 May I borrow that confidence for a day 🤣 I would not sleep worrying about their reaction

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Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 20:58

I might just do that and say to everyone that I only bought kids gifts and donated to charity. I think it’s my DH worrying about their reaction to him telling them I didn’t gift them this year. I’m making a point and I’m sticking to it.

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CanelliniBeans · 16/12/2024 20:58

I don't blame you at all. They can decide not to buy for you, equally you have decided not to buy for them. You're all adults. They however should buy for your dc who are children.

This year I didn't buy for my DH dn as I never get a thank you or even a Christmas card and she's over 30 now. I didn't buy for her dc either. I'm sick of it.

wizzywig · 16/12/2024 20:57

I'd wrap an empty box for them to open