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Original poster

Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

465 replies

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

OP posts:
rtsmith · 21/12/2024 18:18

In the true spirit of christmas you only give if you receive. How nice.

Marieb19 · 21/12/2024 18:17

I agree with above. You are a couple, the gift is from both of you. OP give yourself a break and move on.

BluesBird19764 · 21/12/2024 18:05

More concerned that your husband has never stepped in to set a good example but some people are just selfish.

LivelyMintViper · 21/12/2024 17:40

If you really are done with all this give them some home truths about the way they treat their father especially the cancer business. They can find excuses for the way they treat you (albeit invalid ones) but there is no excuse for the way they treat him.

Wishingplenty · 21/12/2024 17:20

Once grown up children that are used to receiving gifts from adults as kids, decide that they don't want to join in present buying for the children they are closely related to, despite earning well, then it is time to draw a line. It is unfair for the other children to watch them receiving gifts and get nothing back. One present purchased from their parents from all of them does not work either. It is rude but it is really the parents fault for not pointing it out to them.

coolkatt · 21/12/2024 17:04

coolkatt · 21/12/2024 16:45

Girls are assholes and hubby seriously needs checked. Selfish people all of them. Do not, let him guilt u into backing down. They clearly have an issue with u. They are grown ass adults, if they can't even acknowledge u with a decent card then they have shown what the think of u. Don't change ur mind, well done for treating yourself with respect. You are complete in the right here, don't be bullied out into getting them something.

And sorry I just read the updates and OP get out of there now! Get copies of as much as u can beforehand, mortgage payments back account numbers, absolutely everything u possible can, including bank accounts t, birth certificates, NI numbers, any solicitor letters etc. then get out of there. They don't give a toss about u.

coolkatt · 21/12/2024 16:45

Girls are assholes and hubby seriously needs checked. Selfish people all of them. Do not, let him guilt u into backing down. They clearly have an issue with u. They are grown ass adults, if they can't even acknowledge u with a decent card then they have shown what the think of u. Don't change ur mind, well done for treating yourself with respect. You are complete in the right here, don't be bullied out into getting them something.

Original poster
Mamana127 · 21/12/2024 16:27

@burntheleaves
I’m preety sure they will be happy. They don’t actually care about him he slaves for them and I never hear any thank you. He was unwell and had a cancer scare and not once did they come and visit or call to check on their dad.
They feel he is theirs alone to use so let them have him. Let them have a nice Christmas too,
I’m on my way to the airport. He didn’t object to us traveling as I said my dad was u well and I was worried about him. but he said he will join us on the 28th. When I arrive I will write to him and ask him not to come .

OP posts:
Listopad · 21/12/2024 15:38

You have my sympathies, it really is no way to live and I hated feeling 'lesser' in my own family. Your children will be picking up on it. Sadly she did not leave, but once my dad died there was minimal contact with them, so all the effort spent trying to build a big happy blended family was a total waste of time and effort. You are putting yourself and your children first by leaving Flowers

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 21/12/2024 15:02

Were you able to leave today?

burntheleaves · 21/12/2024 12:57

When his daughters throw accusations at you look them in the eye and tell them 'you won. You spent the last 13 years being horrible to me to get rid of me. You won. Why are you not happy?'

Make them see that they are part of the problem and that behaviours have consequences

Original poster
Mamana127 · 21/12/2024 10:17

Listopad · 20/12/2024 23:52

OP you are definitely doing the right thing. I grew up as the child of the new wife and watched my mum bend over backwards for the ungrateful, dismissive children of the first marriage (my mum was not the OW). It was a complete waste of her time and frustrating for me watching her being treated badly and just meekly accepting it. I wished she had better self esteem and had left and focused on building a happy supportive environment for the two of us.

Listopad, I’m sorry you have had to go through that. I feel like your mother. It’s a horrible and I’m tired of it. I’ve complained about it so many times and I get sympathy for a day or two. I dread these girls coming to my house or meeting them, but I started sending my kids ( including the shared one) to my ex’s house every time they are coming so that they don’t experience the animosity. I’ve really sheltered them from it but they are bound to pick up on my mood about them. I hope your mum left.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/12/2024 02:35

Happyinarcon · 15/12/2024 12:28

i would probably have talked this over with my husband a few months ahead and decided on a joint approach

It doesn't sound like he's interested in a joint approach.

CandidHedgehog · 21/12/2024 02:13

You are definitely doing the right thing but please check with the solicitor before trying to take the child you have with this man out of the country. He / she will be able to guide you on what to do to prevent him using it against you.

Listopad · 20/12/2024 23:52

OP you are definitely doing the right thing. I grew up as the child of the new wife and watched my mum bend over backwards for the ungrateful, dismissive children of the first marriage (my mum was not the OW). It was a complete waste of her time and frustrating for me watching her being treated badly and just meekly accepting it. I wished she had better self esteem and had left and focused on building a happy supportive environment for the two of us.

Balloonhearts · 20/12/2024 23:44

They're adult women who have made it clear they don't do gifts with you. Absolutely not unreasonable.

TheCanaryInThePurpleSkirt · 20/12/2024 23:43

Good luck, OP. We are here, when you need us.

TheCanaryInThePurpleSkirt · 20/12/2024 23:41

Good grief, @Mamana127 Have just read the bit about the % of your contribution to the house. I spent too many years being threatened by my ex, who six months into a marriage, presented me with a spreadsheet and piece of printed paper (his version of what was “mine”). He wanted me to sign it and leave (I had nowhere to go, having sold my home and paid off a chunk of his mortgage, shortly after our wedding). For a further 13 yrs, he swung between wonderful husband to “I want a divorce” because his daughter, an adult, objected. Each time, he told me what I could hope to get; what he, in his largesse would give me.

In the end, much as I loved him, I gave him the divorce he threatened me with, year in, year out. The law took a very different view of his “calculations” and it cost him a small fortune.

I am not proud but when I think of all those years he and his two kids treated me “less than”, I feel vindicated. I was and wife and loved him. I could do no more.

Codlingmoths · 20/12/2024 23:13

I’m so glad you’re going home. Have a wonderful Christmas!

Fraaances · 20/12/2024 22:55

Well done you. I’m so proud of you.

TheCanaryInThePurpleSkirt · 20/12/2024 22:34

@Mamana127 This will be difficult for you and yet, there really is no alternative.

🌺🌺🌺

Floralnomad · 20/12/2024 17:26

I hope you and your children have a lovely Christmas with your family @Mamana127 , you are absolutely doing the right thing .

wizzywig · 20/12/2024 16:31

Oh things have suddenly gathered pace. Glad the solicitors appt was worthwhile

HagathaChristi · 20/12/2024 12:35

Op, as I read your post I felt filled with rage and then I wanted to cry. This man has taken such advantage of you. So glad that you seem to have had good advice from MN (I haven't rtft) and - more importantly - that you have acted on it. Please keep us posted. We may be strangers, but the fact that many of us have similar experiences means that we have a bond. I don't have any advice to add. Except to say that when you get released from this prison of a relationship you will never look back. Sending you hugs and best wishes.

Pensionswew · 20/12/2024 11:58

OP, he used coercive control to force you to sign those papers.
Forced you to contribute to a bigger house that would increase in value for his daughters.
Did you get separate legal advice before you signed those papers?
Did you have a solicitor look over the papers to advise you?
If not then that is all coercive control.

You need to be very very clear in the narrative you tell your solicitor.
He told you that you would be looked after if you invested your money in the house and that is what you did.

Stick to your story.
You have been used by him.
Let you solicitor get every penny they can.
What age are your children?
How long are you living together?
2 years married and he got you to sign shit away.
He's a manipulative pig.