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Original poster

Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

465 replies

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamana127 · 23/12/2024 10:14

Hii93 · 22/12/2024 11:27

I mean could it be that you are trying to force a relationship between them and your kids so you can use them for babysitting etc. I would like to hear their side

@Hii93,
I wish! They don’t have a relationship with either me or my kids so how would I even start asking them about babysitting them, they also live miles away, when they visit I make sure the kids are not there as their attitude towards them in the past has been awful, they are just not interested in us. I would never ask them to baby sit my kids. NEVER!

OP posts:
saffronspices · 23/12/2024 03:01

I think he needs to sort himself out and realise that enough lives have been ruined never mind the payback you're on the receiving end of. I can imagine that you dread Xmas coming round because it's the same uncomfortable atmosphere and walking on eggshells so as not to upset the ugly sisters. I'm sure they don't really enjoy the day either when they turn up at your house so maybe it's just a habit that needs breaking.

Bill98502 · 22/12/2024 20:38

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 15/12/2024 12:14

The fact that your DH doesn’t write your name is a red flag. Why on earth?

I make most of the gifts I give. I always include DW name on the tags. Otherwise it would seem selfish.

Bill98502 · 22/12/2024 18:46

“There would be absolutely nothing wrong at all with the gifts he buys being from both of you, that's what most people would do.”

Yes, for sure. Gifts from both indicate togetherness.

FreebieWallopFridge · 22/12/2024 18:42

I do wish people would at least read all the OP’s posts before replying.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 22/12/2024 18:06

For me, a small gift each wouldn't be worth blowing up my life for. You're in the right, it is rude and they don't deserve it, but it would be a small price to pay for piece. Just take your budget down significantly

PaleRosePlease · 22/12/2024 18:03

You’re well within your rights to stop I would’ve stopped ages ago! The separate gifts thing is also a bit strange, I will buy my family presents with ‘my money’ but it’s always from me and my partner. He buys for his mum dad etc and it has both of our names on it - I just thought this was standard procedure. His daughters don’t sound V nice to you at all. I would also tell you DH you are not being taken for a mug

Skybluepinky · 22/12/2024 14:16

Let him buy the presents for them, if he was that worried he would have already been doing that.

JenniferBooth · 22/12/2024 13:52

Hii93 · 22/12/2024 11:27

I mean could it be that you are trying to force a relationship between them and your kids so you can use them for babysitting etc. I would like to hear their side

Much more likely that the daughters will use the OP for childcare if they have kids. They sound like the type who will be happy to leave the child they claim to love with someone they despise. ............oh yes it happens. Exibit A

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4888934-caring-for-step-grandchild

Caring for step grandchild | Mumsnet

My husband is retired, and I work two days a week. Recently my husband offered to look after his grand daughter on the three days a week when I’m home...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4888934-caring-for-step-grandchild

Pensionswew · 22/12/2024 12:50

Well done OP.
Tell him not to come that you want space.
Him coming will only stress you and make you anxious as you need a break.
Enjoy your trip with your family and leave him to those that are important to him.

Do not allow him to insist and bully you to join you.
You have bent over far too much IMO.

Put yourself first and tell him not to join you as his company is not wanted.
You want to enjoy Christmas in peace with your family.

WhichOneIsPosher · 22/12/2024 12:40

Hii93 · 22/12/2024 11:27

I mean could it be that you are trying to force a relationship between them and your kids so you can use them for babysitting etc. I would like to hear their side

Wtf. How did you get from the OPs posts to this?

Hii93 · 22/12/2024 11:27

I mean could it be that you are trying to force a relationship between them and your kids so you can use them for babysitting etc. I would like to hear their side

OnePerkyPoet · 22/12/2024 11:19

Maybe your DH is trying to avoid a showdown with his kids, it sounds like he’s been tip toeing round their opinions right from the start, they’ve obviously made it clear to him
and Mil they don’t like you, he just doesn’t have the do dahs to openly discuss it with you all. By you not gifting to them he maybe feels you’ll be proving them right ?
Continue with your decision and let the truth come out.
Alternatively buy them a Spa day that you all do together and confront them x

GreenWasper · 22/12/2024 09:03

"when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like"

Who rejects a gift to someone's face? Even if it was a bad one?
That just shows how they've been brought up in my opinion. Never buy the spoit cows another thing.

Original poster
Mamana127 · 22/12/2024 08:05

kitchenhelprequired · 21/12/2024 20:00

@Mamana127 Your 'H' allows his child to go to your ex's so they aren't in the house when his DC come. That is outrageous- I can absolutely understand why you would want to send them with your other DC but if ever there is a time for a DF to say no, that isn't how it should be it's then. He doesn't give a monkey's about anyone except his first marriage DC. You won't need to tell him not to come on the 28th - I would put money on him having no intention of joining you.

@kitchenhelprequired,
My ex and his wife are really nice people my DC are very very close to them, They have a step sister and brother who comes to me too so the 5 kids just got close and love each other Infact out DD together if given a chance would go there every time they go.
anyway when I told him I was going home he thought I was joking, then he started begging that I should wait we go together on the 27th, at this point he could suddenly afford to but 5 tickets. I told him I’d booked and we were leaving.
In the end I just faced my fears and told him myself. He cried, he begged he asked me to leave the kids then, without taking into consideration why I said I’m traveling.
He then said ok I’ll come with you let me just inform the girls we will do Christmas in the new year. 😂 At that point I knew he was going nowhere, and I could finally have a nice Christmas with my family and REST!
He will come on the 28th if I let him. His DC are leaving for their boyfriend’s families. But I’ve told him I need alone time to think things through.

OP posts:
AndMaEth · 21/12/2024 20:44

Adults buying each presents is ridiculous enough in my book. Even more ridiculous you’d be expected to buy someone who doesn’t reciprocate. Your DH is a coward for blaming you, you’re the easy option. He should raise the issue with his DHs if it bothers him that much, he is being really unreasonable especially when he can rationalise why they don’t buy you but applying the same rationale your way doesn’t work?!! You MIL might be right about them not liking you, he knows this and that’s why he won’t raise the issue with them and overacts to you stopping buying them.

midlandsdogwalker · 21/12/2024 20:22

Time to cut the apron strings. They clearly don’t feel they owe you anything so return the compliment. It’s highly unlikely you could buy them anything they couldn’t buy themselves.

IOSTT · 21/12/2024 20:13

kitchenhelprequired · 21/12/2024 20:00

@Mamana127 Your 'H' allows his child to go to your ex's so they aren't in the house when his DC come. That is outrageous- I can absolutely understand why you would want to send them with your other DC but if ever there is a time for a DF to say no, that isn't how it should be it's then. He doesn't give a monkey's about anyone except his first marriage DC. You won't need to tell him not to come on the 28th - I would put money on him having no intention of joining you.

I don’t know - he might chase her as he won’t want to lose his free cleaner/ cook / carer etc!

kitchenhelprequired · 21/12/2024 20:00

@Mamana127 Your 'H' allows his child to go to your ex's so they aren't in the house when his DC come. That is outrageous- I can absolutely understand why you would want to send them with your other DC but if ever there is a time for a DF to say no, that isn't how it should be it's then. He doesn't give a monkey's about anyone except his first marriage DC. You won't need to tell him not to come on the 28th - I would put money on him having no intention of joining you.

rtsmith · 21/12/2024 19:54

Well good for you, you soldier on there girl. You are doing awesome. My main point was just buy everyone a xmas present. Regardless. This is mumsnet - we dont just drink wine darling, its the Bolly, its xmas for goodness sake. 😉

JenniferBooth · 21/12/2024 19:46

rtsmith · 21/12/2024 19:39

It says a lot about YOUR christmas spirit. Shouldn't you give regardless. Or does it have to be reciprocal? Even a £1 gift can be comparable to a £100 gift dependant on the feeling its given with. But sure seek out the validation from others for what you are going to do, that way you wont feel guilty. 1st world problems right here.

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WTF are you on about. oh i get it Obfuscation!! I wasnt talking about me so put down the bloody wine.

I doubt OP is bothered about herself but something for her YOUNG children would be nice

I simply pointed out the hypocrisy that POSTERS IN GENERAL are very happy to sing the line that Christmas is for kids when they want the child free to swap their Christmas shifts with them but all of a sudden hum a different tune when its kids from a second marriage or relationship Good old MN hypocrisy

Oh and my Christmas spirit is fine despite losing my dad in October...ive still done the Christmas wifework

rtsmith · 21/12/2024 19:39

JenniferBooth · 21/12/2024 19:33

What about the young kids and presents for them Thought Christmas was all about the kids Or does that only apply when parents want the child free to swap their Christmas shifts with them.

Show quote history

It says a lot about YOUR christmas spirit. Shouldn't you give regardless. Or does it have to be reciprocal? Even a £1 gift can be comparable to a £100 gift dependant on the feeling its given with. But sure seek out the validation from others for what you are going to do, that way you wont feel guilty. 1st world problems right here.

JenniferBooth · 21/12/2024 19:33

rtsmith · 21/12/2024 18:18

In the true spirit of christmas you only give if you receive. How nice.

What about the young kids and presents for them Thought Christmas was all about the kids Or does that only apply when parents want the child free to swap their Christmas shifts with them.

JenniferBooth · 21/12/2024 19:30

Mamana127 · 20/12/2024 07:43

@Fraaances Yes there is a big expectation very entitled too. MIL the soul of the family passed away in July and now I was asked if FIL can come and live with us I said yes because he is still very mobile and strong. But now I’m wondering what happens when he is even “older too” my former self would have done it happily, with love and compassion, especially as the culture I come from, this is a norm.
We live with our extended family forever and look after them, I found this normal and easy to agree with. But in this case I would be taken advantage of for nothing.

Anyway update. Ive been to a solicitor and she has given me advice on what things I need to ask, to ask them one by one and record the answer secretly.
So I did. I asked for question 1. A full financial disclosure of our finances. ( yes I don’t know anything about our finances) 😬 I just contribute to the bills.
He asked me why I’m asking that question. I said because we are now married and should act as one, it’s safe for both of us if we know about that side of things.
He said he doesn’t mind if we don’t because he had a bad experience with the ex about money, and he doesn’t want a repeat. I calmly said I’m not his ex.
He suggested we open a joint bank account where we both have access and each transfer money into it for bills etc. (He has been asking for this for a while anyway)
I said no! in that case we both just close our personal accounts and open new one together? He said no he doesn’t want a joint bank account due to his experience.

As he said no to my request for a full financial disclosure I had been advised to stop there and start thinking about a divorce, the solicitor has given advice on my rights and was shocked I didn’t know any of it. Anyways if he can’t answer that simple question honestly and openly then he won’t answer the rest.
I’m so scared! How do I start. I sold my home quite cheaply to create a life with him. I really wished I’d insisted on renting it the way I wanted to.
I want to just leave right now with my kids and go home to my family for a hug.
I haven’t been home for three years due to being told we can’t afford it, I asked in November if we could spend Christmas with my family this year as I’ve not done that in forever. I used to have Christmas with my family every year and afforded it fine.
His answer was no- we can’t afford it, we have his dad, and his girls are coming over on the 27th, he can’t separate or cancel seeing them. I said I have separated from mine for years? He said it was my choice to move to England, I asked if can just go with my girls and his response was oh so you are just going to leave your husband to spend Christmas alone? We are married now if it hasn’t occurred to you yet. I left it.
My anxiety is through the roof. What is he hiding? How can I be this stupid? So who leaves the house me or him? Where do I start?
He owns majority of the house.

Right now he is busy doing things he NEVER does because his job is so demanding and every single minute is usually taken.
Things like taking kids to school and picking them, cleaning my car, fuelling my car, asking me to guess what I’ve got for Christmas. Being extra 100% kind, cooking dinner, he even asked if we can have Christmas next year with my family, I just said yeah!… I’ve seen it all before anyways it usually lasts a week until I’m happy.

Anyways I’ve found tickets for me and my kids I didn’t sleep spent the whole night sweating about booking them. I’ve reserved them until this evening. I need to go home to breathe, cry first and think. I’ll deal with this next year. I need to have a big think!
Now the task ahead is to tell him I’m going home for Christmas with the kids. I’ve thought about creating an emergency with my family so he doesn’t get alarmed but I feel terrible about using them. We are supposed to go Christmas shopping today for “ the visitors” as he calls them 😬😬😬😬😬

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So you arent close enough (in his eyes) to share finances with but so so close that you musnt spend any time apart. Steaming great hypocrite.

Has anyone else noticed that if a womans trust is affected by her ex cheating shes not allowed to be worried that new man will do the same but if a mans ex was "crap" with money HE seems to be allowed to be worried that his new or current partner will do the same and is allowed to act accordingly.

YellowHue · 21/12/2024 19:23

They may be your “step-kids” but they aren’t children. You’re not obligated to buy them anything.
If DH has a problem with it, but doesn’t have an issue with them not gifting to your children, then maybe he needs a reality check because it’s the same issue? If it were me I wouldn’t give them another thing. Put yourself first!