Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

But they have accumulated far less than they should have done because the OP’s husband has been transferring enormous amounts (totted up over 10 years) to third parties. Are you saying that shouldn’t be taken into account in the settlement?

I don’t think behaving with integrity is lying down and being a doormat, I wouldn’t try and claim something I had no right to ie a house brought with inheritance that wasn’t mine.
My parents were actually on a pretty equal footing but just turned really spiteful, which is what sadly happens.
This couple have been together max 10 years, he is in his 50’s she has no funded his lifestyle for more then the last 10years so not sure what claim she would have all the vast majority of his pension.
He’s behaved awfully over the last 10 years, there’s no getting round that, but the OP doesn’t have to lower herself and behave just as terribly. They have been together for a fairly short amount of years what ever they have accumulated in that time should be split.

There IS NO DIGNITY in divorce. Especially with a man who feels himself entitled. It’s not 1960, when the wife was told by the husband and breadwinner what she could and couldn’t have.

And @Mamana127 Your solicitor will possibly mention spousal support to be outlined in any final court order. Please don’t say no to it out of pride. You’ve been financially assisting his grown up kids for quite some time and are responsible for your own child’s future. Spousal maintenance can be on an “as required” inclusion basis, just in case your circumstances change. Be advised by the experts. They do this in their sleep.

Why do women (not just you, I’ve seen it multiple times in other threads) seem to think lying down and being a doormat is ‘acting with integrity and dignity’?

The OP has been financially abused for 10 years. Getting proper financial compensation for that is not in any way lacking in integrity or dignity. She has no pension because she has been funding her DH’s ex wife and letting him build up his pension. Why on earth shouldn’t she get a share of his pension? Without her funding his lifestyle, that pension wouldn’t exist!

Has it occurred to you that if your parents’ divorce got ‘nasty over money’ that may well be because the better off partner was trying to cheat the other spouse out of his/her rights?

With No Fault Divorce, which we have now in the UK, the court are not interested in who brought what to the table and who did what in the downfall of the marriage. Unfortunately, you will possibly find that your marital “pot” is what you have/share in your joint name only. But. Pensions will be taken into consideration/other property with his name as joint ownership, savings, investments etc. The court is only concerned with what is deemed fair in the actual couple’s split. So essentially, you will be “levelled up”. The start point is 50/50 regardless of who did what. Child maintenance is separate.

Divorce is expensive in terms of financial and emotional settlement. Seems that sadly, you have not choice. Get all the help you can and stay resolute.

In your shoes I would get the house valued and then ask for your 25% of what it is worth and ask that he buy you out.
The mortgage payments aren’t really any different to paying rent if you were in a rental property IMO
I personally wouldn’t go after his pension etc I would look to get what I was entitled to out of the house, even if it means it has to be sold and then set an amount he needs to contribute for your daughter.
Im a child of divorced parents and even 30 year later I can remember how nasty it all got especially over money, I always swore that if I found myself in a similar position I would try and keep my integrity and dignity.
Anything such as your car etc you need to take, as long as you have enough to restart afresh and remain true to yourself, I think that’s what’s important.

Above all you need a rottweiler of a solicitor to get you every penny.

You have been lied to, financially abused and used as a skivvy by this prick while he bankrolled his ex.

He lived in YOUR house for years, accepted the money from your house sale, yet thinks you have minimum rights to your home that you pay 50/50 towards.

Written down in blank and white you need to realise this is shocking.

Start practice saying that you have felt abused, controlled, financially manipulated by him whilst he has lied continually to you.

This is a very bad man.
Keep your cards close to your chest but do not play down to your solicitor how badly you have been used as a skivvy by him.

You can do this.
Lean into your anger and use it to get every penny you can for your children.

The Full Disclosure of finances (Form E) is your very best friend in this situation, @Mamana127 Your contribution thus far is to be recognised. The maintenance of your child, is to be recognised. I cannot emphasise enough that you need to be guided by the law and court with regard to what you are FAIRLY entitled, going forward. You and your child need it.

Your husband, his kids, have behaved appallingly. Enough. Well done.

I don’t think he is in a position to ask for anything yet. I think you need to get full discovery first. I also genuinely believe that you are his carer instead of paying for a nursing home, (and also for him when he retires… you and your children will be out in the cold the moment he ceases to draw breath) so that he can afford to house his father at your place and then have a house for each of his precious angels. What a bastard.

OP, you have been lied to, manipulated and financially abused the whole of your marriage.
He insists on 50/50 while giving money to his ex wife.

You are too soft.
This is so shocking.
Please get every single penny for your daughter.
She deserves no less.
He has financially abused your daughter via his treatment of you.
Do not ignore these facts.
This is not a good man.
He is a liar.
He has utterly mislead you.
You and your children deserve so much better than this.

So step daughters already have a house to inherit from mother? He has been funding his ex all this time AND she works FT and the SD’s are adults??? All this and he accepted money from the sale of his parent’s home to begin again??? This is fucking ridiculous.
He is a liar.
I am so glad that OP is insisting on going through solicitors. I bet he has a dodgy money trail like Pablo Escobar.

First consideration is where do you fit in if he were to die - he's left the house to his 3 daughters - that doesn't cover you.

Secondly, why on earth is he contributing to the upkeep of a property he has no financial interest in?

I'm glad you've had some time away with your family, space to think and get the girls away from that awful situation. Your husband needs to grow a pair - he sounds a nightmare, his ex is a leech as are his 2 daughters.

OP is visiting family for Christmas. Made a last minute trip. She hasn’t been home for years because her husband refused and prioritised only his family. They are currently there.

Commiserations on your awful experience.
Am I right that you, your children and your wider family are currently living in one country and your husband in England? If you’re in different countries how will 50/50 custody work? Is your youngest excpected to take flights twice a fortnight? You need to take lots of advice over this.
even if it’s a medium large distance over the UK it’s a factor.

Do right by your daughter and yourself. Take what you're entitled to take.

You've come last in your entire marriage. You've been shat upon in your marriage. Your own DC came last with you, too, frankly. Note the no presents for them unless you sorted it ... just the older DDs. At least start over with everything you're entitled to.

My conscious just isnt liking the idea of taking money off him and him starting allover again as he did with the ex wife, that crippled him financially.

@Mamana127 calm down and think. I know your world is reeling right now. The pain of realising you've been used is hard to see past.

Let's look at that sentence. Your conscience isn't liking that you'll cripple him like the ex. Do you mean the ex he's been handing voluntary money to behind your back every month? Oh how awful he must feel towards her, so awful he's handing her free money. While you pay his bills.

How's your conscience now?

If it helps, reframe the 50/50 as doing it for your DD. You need to support her. Who knows what tricks your STBXH will play along the road.

It is your money too.
I bet your MIL would encourage you to go for half - especially knowing how sh*tty his kids have been to you. If she’d have known about the financial support to the ex-wife I also suspect she’d be livid!

You’ve got this!!!! 💪🏻

Your solicitor is right.

And your MIL did an absolutely masterful job of setting you up to replace her as his new emotional support human. She’s manipulated you so much that you can’t even see what she’s done.

You owe your MIL nothing.

Listen to your solicitor, stop being naive, and stop thinking your husband or his family had your best interest at heart. None of them did before, and none of them do now.