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Original poster

Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

465 replies

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

OP posts:
Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 13:47

I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds

Did you ask the lazy twat where the presents are that HE bought for his dd's? Why should it fall to you? That's for starters. Secondly, ask him why on earth he thinks it's ok that your high earners sd's think it's ok to insult you by buying for him and not for you? I mean, if that's not a slap in the face I don't know what is.

They all sound like selfish pricks.

wizzywig · 15/12/2024 13:43

dancinfeet · 15/12/2024 12:11

you are absolutely right. I bought birthday and christmas gifts for years for my nieces and nephews, from when I was in my mid teens, even when I was a skint student working 2 part time jobs. Even as a young child I was encouraged to save a little of my pocket money and buy them something because I was their older aunt (by just a few years). When they were all adults (and all working) I was still buying for them, whilst they bought nothing for me or my own children in return. One year when my kids were young teens I decided not to bother sending the relatives anything as most of them earn a heck of a lot more than me and I was fed up of them not reciprocating and at least sending something for my kids. So I spent the extra money I had saved on my own two teenagers instead. I have done that ever since and it’s much better.

Did they say anything?

Tandora · 15/12/2024 13:41

YANBU!!!!

your step children are adults. And very rude ones it sounds.

Your DH is being v v v unreasonable. Hold your ground.

Busybeemumm · 15/12/2024 13:39

Your DH has enabled this situation but keeping you left out. I really don't understand why the gifts are not from both of you. He is the problem here and has likely influenced the girls not to buy for you. That is the issue here not the step DD's.

Onlyvisiting · 15/12/2024 13:32

@Mamana127
I agree that at their age gifts should be reciprocal, however I think you've made it an unnecessary confrontation that won't end well.
Imo it would have been much simpler to quietly reduce effort. Stop with the thoughtful gifts and just go for something generic and under £20, like a boots gift set or chocolates. Stop organising your kids into making them cards/gifts (but if your kids ask I'd help them, just not manage them into it).
At this point I don't see the value in a big fall out, if they did start getting you gifts now it wouldn't feel genuine, and your DH is being really shitty. Just quietly stop putting I the extra effort you have been doing.
And I don't think you ever needed to buy them separate gifts, I would have expected you to just be included in the gifts your DH gave.

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 13:30

I think you’ve done the right thing. I’d ask him you’ve watched my dc make them presents and you’ve never even thought to gently suggest to them that they reciprocate? Because they are old enough to make up their minds? Some would think they are the prodcut of their upbringing, and everyone would think I am certainly old enough to make up my mind to stop pandering to ungrateful adults. At least I come out of this comfortable my dc have been brought up well!

TheBestLackAllConviction · 15/12/2024 13:28

Well, if you dump the nasty husband, the nasty stepchildren will also cease to be your problem.

Lavenderandbrown · 15/12/2024 13:28

I believe it is perfectly acceptable to stop gifting at any time especially if it is not reciprocal gifting. I only gift the “children” in the family and I absolutely do not want gifts in return All gifts are paid for by me (not DH children or nephew) and i write from Santa on the tag because it amuses me DH gifts his children separately They are all adults now and someday i will stop gifting completely. I can afford it now and i still enjoy it now. It seems you have been generously gifting for years it is not reciprocated in any way and its time to stop Let DH gift his children and you gift yours while hopefully still enjoying the holidays all together

VegTrug · 15/12/2024 13:27

Gall10 · 15/12/2024 12:23

We have nephews & nieces (husband side) who we buy for & their nauseating sprogs. Never ONCE have I ever heard them say thanks & they certainly have never bought us anything.
Last year I bought all the little sprogs musical instruments…think drum, tambourine, mouth organ, triangle, xylophone.
Silent night not!

Sprogs? My god you sound vile

Lemonadeand · 15/12/2024 13:27

Totally agree that he should be responsible for buying them presents from both of you.

Nc546888 · 15/12/2024 13:26

How bloody awful.

i have had a stepmum since i was 11 and I’ve bought her a present every year since i was 15. I’m mid 30s now and have no where near as much money as your DSDs and I would always buy my stepmum a present. How fucking rude of them

VegTrug · 15/12/2024 13:26

You are in an abusive marriage and you & your kids need to escape asap

NoTouch · 15/12/2024 13:26

The step "kids" are being inconsiderate, they are old enough now to realise you are buying them gifts and think about reciprocating. If they haven't been perhaps they are just not comfortable exchanging gifts with their dads wife, which is fine and fine if you stop too.

Your bigger problem is your dh's attitude which I would find concerning, perhaps it stems from guilt from his kids having parents that split, but he is wrong to lay that guilt at your feet. Hope your wills are agreed, rock solid and your kids financial futures protected.

Iwishiwasagiraffe · 15/12/2024 13:24

It’s weird his gifts aren’t from you both. My mum has remarried and the gifts from her are from them both. I know she does the choosing but she always puts both their names on it which I would consider normal

JubileeJuice · 15/12/2024 13:23

Are your children their half siblings?

OhMaria2 · 15/12/2024 13:23

Why are you accepting being 2nd best in your own life?

Londoneye20 · 15/12/2024 13:23

Slicked carrot tho🫢

burntheleaves · 15/12/2024 13:22

You are older???? So fully grown ass adult women are not responsible for gifting? But they are old enough for him not to ask them why they don't buy you anything? And although they are older they don't get your younger dc anything.
Okay

He's sounds like a dick. What redeeming qualities does he have.

Superhansrantowindsor · 15/12/2024 13:21

Yanbu but why can’t your name go on the tag from your DH. My mum and step dad put both names on the tag and they aren’t married and didn’t get together until I was in my 40’s.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/12/2024 13:19

Why on earth are ‘his’ presents not from both of you? You know, like normal couples. This should always have been the case. If I got separate presents from my dad and step mum I would be taken aback and assume their marriage was in trouble. Oh, wait..
(ps he doesn’t sound nice, and neither do they - I’d be reflecting on this over the festive holiday and thinking about how you want your 2025 to look op..)

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/12/2024 13:19

Motnight · 15/12/2024 13:08

I think that the mother in law gave good advice - stop buying for them. Or have I read it wrong?

Show quote history

Im unsure her motives tbh.

Did she know her son wouldn’t like that outcome as it’s caused problems ?

LePetitMaman · 15/12/2024 13:18

I would ignore they didn't buy for me...if they were buying for my children.

But for your children to make them gifts, and them as adults not even bother to give those children a Christmas present back?

Vile. And it's thanks to their rude, greedy vile father.

I'd not be able to remain married to that.

Naddd · 15/12/2024 13:14

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

Let's say he's right and you're older than them and should know better then doesn't it also follow that they are older than your children and should know better?
Or does that only apply to you?
I wouldn't get them anything excluding you is bad enough but your kids, their siblings? No just no

Fleamaker · 15/12/2024 13:13

Does your DH buy separate presents, just from him, to your children?

Naturanest · 15/12/2024 13:13

YANBU! I don't understand why your DH doesn't put your name on the gifts he buys for them - that's what he should be doing/have done since you became their SM.

Don't get them anything - stick to your guns. And if they ask tell them the presents from DH are from you both.