Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

465 replies

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:56

Yes really! allow me to think about myself too for once. I feel great too for it.for years and years all I’ve thought about was other people. If getting married a day before her birthday was my crime I will now do my time gladly.

OP posts:
Tandora · 15/12/2024 16:44

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:42

Hi no this started long time ago, the date was important to me as I have always wanted to get married in a church and the other two dates weren’t available plus it was a weekday and cheaper. it wasn’t even her birthday it was the day before. It was last year actually so not like their behaviour can be justified by the wedding date. Even if I had chosen her birthday what’s the crime?

Even if I had chosen her birthday what’s the crime?

Really?

Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:42

Hi no this started long time ago, the date was important to me as I have always wanted to get married in a church and the other two dates weren’t available plus it was a weekday and cheaper. it wasn’t even her birthday it was the day before. It was last year actually so not like their behaviour can be justified by the wedding date. Even if I had chosen her birthday what’s the crime?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:33

😂 therapist can’t tell you what to do but they can guide you and open your eyes to see the light and then you make that decision yourself. One step at a time I will get there. I wish it was that easy.

OP posts:
Sandunesandseashells · 15/12/2024 16:32

Pluvia · 15/12/2024 16:18

Sympathies to you, OP. I don't have children but I'm still buying birthday and Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews who are now in their 30s and have never bought me anything. Several of them also come and stay for a few days, often with partners. So I host, drive them around, pick up the bill in restaurants, buy tickets... They're all nicely launched now, all are buying their own homes and several of them have far higher incomes than me. It's going to have to stop but I'm not sure how to do it.

I could have written every word of this! I have one mid-twenties child who is the youngest amongst 16 nieces and nephews, so it has always been a very unequal expensive arrangement. The two eldest are 33 with six children of their own now, it must stop sometime but instead the numbers are growing. I suppose I should only buy for the next generation but that’s unfair on the childless ones. I do love spending time with them though and they are great company and will travel for hours to see me so iif nothing else they do put in the effort.

OP I need to take my own advice(!) but I suggest sending only a card with a lovely message as that would indicate a reset but no hard feelings.

Tandora · 15/12/2024 16:31

YANBU at all on the Christmas presents OP and well done for sticking up for yourself.

However, while we are here discussing this, I’m going to play slight devil’s advocate and suggest that maybe the wedding date thing was ill advised, and perhaps the start of the negative relationships with your DSDs?

How old was your elder DSD at that time? Why was getting married on that date so essential for you? Was it really necessary to start the marriage in a power-play with your DSD over who is top dog/ your DH is going to put first?

<runs and ducks for cover>

ThinWomansBrain · 15/12/2024 16:30

Your husband is an arrogant twat.
He has reared his children in the same way.
Congrats - you've picked a winner there.

Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:29

It’s hard to stop it’s taken me years and years working on myself, I get panic attacks to the point that I get sick. I have sleepless nights worrying what “the person” Will think and how they will treat me. It’s exhausting and it’s all from myself really I don’t think they ever asked me for gifts, I started it and now it’s expected. Start somewhere I started with therapy as I couldn’t do it myself. Seeing people’s opinions helps a lot my therapist told me to ask random strangers whenever I’m doubting and making steps back and just through this post I feel so good that I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do, like someone said on here love those who love you back. My therapist calls it pull the plug! Well pull the plug on them and see what they say see if they noticed.
I was planning not to say anything to just keep quiet until my DH noticed there was no gifts from them. Anyway there still will never be any gifts for them unless he buys it and puts my name or not put my name I don’t mind.

OP posts:
amber763 · 15/12/2024 16:21

You sound so lovely. Absolutely do not get them one more thing or pander or cook for them. ❤️

rainingsnoring · 15/12/2024 16:21

Good for you @Mamana127. You are a brave woman. They sound selfish and ungrateful and no wonder with the way your selfish, ungrateful and bullying DH treats them.

Pluvia · 15/12/2024 16:18

Sympathies to you, OP. I don't have children but I'm still buying birthday and Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews who are now in their 30s and have never bought me anything. Several of them also come and stay for a few days, often with partners. So I host, drive them around, pick up the bill in restaurants, buy tickets... They're all nicely launched now, all are buying their own homes and several of them have far higher incomes than me. It's going to have to stop but I'm not sure how to do it.

Jabbabong · 15/12/2024 15:58

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 13:55

Yes he does. Or gives them money. And that’s why he was asking me why I haven’t got them presents this year. I’m not getting them presents neither I’m I cooking for them and their boyfriends when they come on the 27th, I deserve some respect and appreciation from all of them including DH, I’ll be taking my kids away to my friends for a couple of days.
I have been having therapy for some childhood stuff and it’s become very clear to me through therapy that I’m a people pleaser. And would do anything to keep the peace and keep other people happy.
Step by step I have been putting my foot down and not worrying what other people think and when I do it I still get panic attacks but I feel great at the same time.
I’ll get there.

Good on you!

I hope that you have a lovely time. You deserve it.

Jabbabong · 15/12/2024 15:57

Your husband is enabling their shitty behaviour. If they earn a good wage and have never reciprocated then they should get fuck all.

Katemax82 · 15/12/2024 15:52

I get this from my grown up stepsons, never had a birthday present or card..a token gift at Christmas from the older one. You are not unreasonable to no longer buy them gifts

Stormyweatheroutthere · 15/12/2024 15:41

Can't you see he has supported their disgraceful treatment of you by keeping quiet? How can you spend another night under the same roof? Sorry op but you deserve so much more.. Even your therapist muct be desperate to tell you that.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 15/12/2024 15:35

Wow your stepdaughters ungrateful and nasty little bitches! I'm speechless at you being told you can't have your wedding the day before her birthday and your 'darling husband' begging you to change the date 😱😱

Good for you @Mamana127 for no longer putting up with it anymore but you have a bigger problem than your ungrateful SD and that's your husband. I cannot wrap my head around him allowing this for 13 years! Then to think you're wrong to not buy them presents. Its funny how he's wimp and won't dare stand up to his daughters but he's got plently of backbone to tell you that you can't stop buying his daughters gift and refuse to host them!

Don't you dare buy or cook anything for him to make them OP tell him they're his kids he can do all the prep himself. I honestly couldn't stay with a man who lacked such a back bone but had plenty of it to tell me I must put up with such rude, enetitled and nasty behaviour my vagina would be as dry as the desert and snap shut what a turn off.

You're MIL certainly has the measure of your SD makes me wonder if they have behaved the same way with her. Has she said anything to your H about this?

OhMaria2 · 15/12/2024 15:27

Therealjudgejudy · 15/12/2024 14:34

They, and your husband are all nasty pieces of work.

This. OP, the step children aren't really the problem here, it's your husband. He is setting the tone for the amount of disrespect that you are getting

LizzieBennetsSister · 15/12/2024 15:26

Leaving aside the issues in your marriage for a moment - you need to speak to the step DDs and say something like - 'As you know I have always given gifts for your birthdays and Christmas. It seems you do not want a reciprocal arrangement, so I assume you won't mind if I stop the presents from now on'.
That puts the ball in their court to say something. Then, whatever they say, keep to your decision. Bullies respect people who stand up to them, and tend to despise those who try to placate them. After all these years, enough is enough, so firmly draw that line
Good luck with your therapy journey OP.

ThatFluentTiger · 15/12/2024 15:21

As a fellow people pleaser I am so
proud of you OP

LivelyMintViper · 15/12/2024 15:10

I think you should speak to your children and gently explain how some people are not very nice and can take advantage of. others kindness and use your sdc as examples. Explain how one sided the relationship is and how it is perfectly acceptable to politely put your foot down and refuse to be used. Tell dp what mil said and that you are following her advice so whilst you will be civil the days of buying them gifts and slaving in the kitchen are over. I would also tell him his dcs behaviour is a damning indictment of his parenting . Good luck you deserve better

Scottishskifun · 15/12/2024 15:10

Well done OP and don't be slaving in the kitchen either!
Simply say we are getting a takeaway what do you guys want right for your food it's £20, wire it to your dad!
Your DH definitely needs to stand up to them and well done on you not caving in.

I very much doubt he buys separate gifts for your DC so just point this out that it's ridiculous and yes you did it initially but it time that stopped starting now.

Be warned for them sulking!

RockOrAHardplace · 15/12/2024 15:04

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 14:37

Thank you all for your opinions and advice, some of them made me cry for myself.
I’m happy that I’m making baby steps in recognising that I don’t have to please people. And if someone rejects me it’s their loss.
This is hard but through therapy I’m breaking the rejection trauma I suffered as a child which one brick at a time,
this is what has led me to over please people and never seeing anything wrong when people treat me badly.
one brick at a time I will get there. I’ve shed tones of friends, and even family. I miss them but they never appreciated me. Im learning to love me, I recognise that not everyone thinks the way I do, not everyone is kind either, but I don’t have to please them at all.
It’s funny I teach my kids not to people please but they see me doing it. but thank God they are strong confident kids.
when my step kids come I toil in the kitchen cooking for them and their boyfriends and none of them ever helps only DH helps.
Then I’m left to tidy up while they drink and merry. Yes it’s been awful I cry about it after and keep it inside, hoping they will see sense or be kind back but it’s not happening.
my DH is a nice person to me but he would never say boo to his daughters, whatever they say goes. When we got married I chose a date and the 27 year old said we can’t get married that day because it’s a day before her birthday I thought it was a joke but he was actually begging me to pick a different date. My MIL went ballistic at him as I was just stunned into silence. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said no and she didn’t come to the wedding the youngest one came though and even did a reading.

All in all I’ve given up now. I’m not buying presents nor entertaining their nonsense or my DH’s nonsense. I’m fighting the urge to keep being good. I’m doing me and saying no to things that make me sad, I’ve got an amazing therapist who is helping me deal with this. Who knows who I will be after this journey.

I thank you all. ❤️❤️❤️.

And remember that this isn't you walking away from the relationship merely that you have finally accepted that this is what they want and you have decided to no longer fight it. Well done, feel no guilt, regret is OK as you have tried so long to turn it around but it takes two to tango and their heart clearly wasn't in it and your DH has totally disregarded your feelings and needs a kick up the bum.

asthecrowdwaschantingmore · 15/12/2024 15:04

I hope you're protected if the worst happens, OP. I imagine he's going to leave everything he has to his spoiled, rude daughters, (who have made it clear that they don't like you and he doesn't care that they don't, only about how you treat them), and if that includes a house, you need to make sure you have enough funds to survive comfortably.

Personally, it sounds like a relationship that isn't bringing anything positive into your life and I'd think about it this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Fraaances · 15/12/2024 15:00

Another option… “Oh you’re here? What are you cooking?”

AgathaX · 15/12/2024 14:55

What awful, ungrateful young women. Your H should be ashamed of himself. I hope your MIL said what she says out of kindness for you, and not nastiness.

Well done for sticking up for yourself. There is no way you should provide you and your DC as an audience for their bad manners and unkindness.