Page 13 | Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

Mamana127 · 2024-12-15T11:51:38+00:00

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love. They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either. This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right. I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind? when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you. i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me. I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty. I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 22:33

kitchenhelprequired · 15/12/2024 20:57

So you are expected to buy gifts for his DC separate to him, he buys gifts for your DC separate to you - who buys the gifts for your joint DC? You are buying separate gifts for his family, what about yours? I'm presuming your finances aren't shared. It all sounds absolutely bonkers to me. It probably hasn't helped the situation with DSC -gifts once you were serious/living together/married should have been from DH & you jointly to show them you were a team. DH should have guided/financed gifts from the DSC to you. Who financed/guided the DSC on gifts for their DF? Do the DSC acknowledge/buy gifts for your joint DC, their half sibling or your DC?

My DSC buys gifts to their dad on birthdays and Christmas,only have his name on them. I assume they finance the gifts to their dad. They have never bought any gift to their half sibling. It clearly just shows that they rejected me and my kids so I’ve finally accepted.When they were young DH used to say that once they go to Uni and meet other friends from separated families they will chill. Well they did finish Uni and no difference. They don’t even send a card to their Stem sister. I mean it’s on they are old enough to decide that, I took too long to draw the line. I did everything to try and be a family with them. But they are not interested.
you know I actually think they wont mind me not buying them gift it’s my DH who is bothered by it all that they might fall out with him over it. I wont be surprised if he buys then each a present from me to keep the peace 😂 he is that scared of them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 22:20

Stormyweatheroutthere · 15/12/2024 15:41

Can't you see he has supported their disgraceful treatment of you by keeping quiet? How can you spend another night under the same roof? Sorry op but you deserve so much more.. Even your therapist muct be desperate to tell you that.

Stormyweatheroutthere, I can, now more than ever. Through therapy I will be able to break out and stand tall. Therapist just help you to see the light and let you decide what you want to do with it.
When it comes to his girls he wont listen to anything I say and whenever I try to put my foot down he really suffers they make him really pay for it. Cut him off and send him nasty messages. All his fault really I’m not taking his side I’ve often told him, he made that bed. I just have to figure out how to live with them and him as the father of my daughter.
Apart from the way he handles his girls he is a good man and a good dad, he is scared of them cutting him off and so he will do anything to please them. Anything sadly at the detriment of myself because I’ve allowed it. I don’t ever want to be in a position where I’m making him choose between me and his girls. But he needs to correct them.

OP posts:

Tink3rbell30 · 15/12/2024 22:14

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 22:10

I don’t want to do that I hate confrontations, if anything I should have done it long time ago or when they started working proper jobs, I just feel like it’s going to turn into a massive argument where I will always be on the wrong. My DH should have sorted it from the off out but he didn’t and wont as far as he is concerned they are perfect and he has never told them off even when they speak to him like poo he just keeps quiet. My approach to withdraw will bring me peace more than calling them out.

Show quote history

How embarrassing for him having rude thoughtless kids that he won't even stand up. You're clearly a thoughtful person and they don't give a shit, I can't stand people like that. Don't bother buying them a thing again.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 22:10

Tink3rbell30 · 15/12/2024 22:04

Call them out. I would question their rudeness and thoughtlessness.

I don’t want to do that I hate confrontations, if anything I should have done it long time ago or when they started working proper jobs, I just feel like it’s going to turn into a massive argument where I will always be on the wrong. My DH should have sorted it from the off out but he didn’t and wont as far as he is concerned they are perfect and he has never told them off even when they speak to him like poo he just keeps quiet. My approach to withdraw will bring me peace more than calling them out.

OP posts:

Tink3rbell30 · 15/12/2024 22:04

Call them out. I would question their rudeness and thoughtlessness.

labamba007 · 15/12/2024 22:02

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 13:55

Yes he does. Or gives them money. And that’s why he was asking me why I haven’t got them presents this year. I’m not getting them presents neither I’m I cooking for them and their boyfriends when they come on the 27th, I deserve some respect and appreciation from all of them including DH, I’ll be taking my kids away to my friends for a couple of days.
I have been having therapy for some childhood stuff and it’s become very clear to me through therapy that I’m a people pleaser. And would do anything to keep the peace and keep other people happy.
Step by step I have been putting my foot down and not worrying what other people think and when I do it I still get panic attacks but I feel great at the same time.
I’ll get there.

Good for you OP, enjoy your break away with friends and leave those ungrateful people at home!

Sassybooklover · 15/12/2024 21:41

This is a situation that should have been dealt with many years ago. I can understand you buying a separate gift whilst you were dating your husband and before you lived together and married. Once you started living together, and definitely since being married, your husband should have been adding your name to the gift tag. This hasn't happened, and now you have realised that the presents you are buying aren't appreciated and neither have his daughter's ever reciprocated. You are an adult and so are his daughter's - all 3 of you are perfectly capable of making a choice. Your husband should have spoken to his daughter's years ago, as their attitude is shit but all he's done is enabled their attitude. No, you don't have to buy for his daughter's and neither do your children. It may be his daughter's don't like you, who knows, but there must be a reason why they've never given you or your children gifts.

kitchenhelprequired · 15/12/2024 20:57

So you are expected to buy gifts for his DC separate to him, he buys gifts for your DC separate to you - who buys the gifts for your joint DC? You are buying separate gifts for his family, what about yours? I'm presuming your finances aren't shared. It all sounds absolutely bonkers to me. It probably hasn't helped the situation with DSC -gifts once you were serious/living together/married should have been from DH & you jointly to show them you were a team. DH should have guided/financed gifts from the DSC to you. Who financed/guided the DSC on gifts for their DF? Do the DSC acknowledge/buy gifts for your joint DC, their half sibling or your DC?

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 20:35

Make sure you make it clear he doesn’t care how his daughters feel either - if he did he’d just change his gift tags to read from both of you. It’s more important to him to yell at you than it is how his daughters feel.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 20:31

Fraaances · 15/12/2024 14:41

Please tell me you’re going to ask them to clean up after themselves too….? Wash the dishes? Empty the dishwasher? Buy a takeaway? Something?

Edited

I just won’t get involved. I’m looking forward to some resting time chilling with my kids watching tv at my friends on the 27th instead of cooking a complete full Christmas dinner again after doing the same on the 25th. My DH can do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 20:12

kitchenhelprequired · 15/12/2024 20:01

@Mamana127 does you DH buy gifts for your DC?

Yes he does. And very generously whatever they want, we have one child between us and 2 from my previous relationship.

OP posts:

kitchenhelprequired · 15/12/2024 20:01

@Mamana127 does you DH buy gifts for your DC?

Portakalkedi · 15/12/2024 19:33

Sorry OP they all sound horrible. Your 'D' H should not have allowed this to carry on all this time. I think gift giving should be mutual, or should stop. We see these threads every Christmas on here. Save your money and your time if someone you give gifts to does not ever return the favour. It's not about affordability, it's about thoughtfulness and consideration.

Gall10 · 15/12/2024 19:21

VegTrug · 15/12/2024 13:27

Sprogs? My god you sound vile

Show quote history

Sprogs…. Great terminology!

Original poster

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 18:12

kitchenhelprequired · 15/12/2024 17:51

I don't understand why you ever bought separate gifts for the DSC. Did you buy presents for other members of DH's family? You are a married couple - why wouldn't gifts be from both of you?

Actually this has made me think yes we do buy gifts to his family differently. Like this year my FIL has asked for a voucher and then when I asked DH he said him and his sister have bought their dad a join gift. And thinking about it last years it’s always gift from me and gift from him. I’m not sure why the expectation is that way. I think this post has really woken me up and I’m going to do things differently. But the other family members always buys me gifts and buys my kids gifts etc.

OP posts:

kitchenhelprequired · 15/12/2024 17:51

I don't understand why you ever bought separate gifts for the DSC. Did you buy presents for other members of DH's family? You are a married couple - why wouldn't gifts be from both of you?

Livelovebehappy · 15/12/2024 17:33

Your dh should stick your name on his presents if he feels so strongly about it. I agree you have given them more than enough time to start reciprocating. Maybe by you not buying them anything this time, they will sit up and realise why that might be…

arcticpandas · 15/12/2024 17:22

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 17:15

It was not her birthday was it though? I respect your opinion though, if it was her birthday I would have probably thought about it and considered it, but it wasn’t. She could still have celebrated her birthday as she did with her dad present the next day.
I wasn’t saying that my wedding was replacing her birthday but the date depended on the things ive mentioned. Financially we couldn’t afford the other dates. Did she consider that? I have to be the one worrying about her feelings and move and shift goals to accommodate her feelings even when it means I loose financially.

Completely ridiculous to throw a fit because it's one day before her birthday but it's your DH's fault who has raised the spoilt brats. I can't imagine receiving a present and not giving any. How thoughtless and rude!

Good on you for finally standing up for yourself. You model to your children acceptable/non acceptable ways for people to treat you so bear that in mind next time you are about to transform into a doormat. Stand up straight and proud and don't take any more shit from anyone ! 💚

ChocolateAddictAlways · 15/12/2024 17:19

The fact that they’ve never bought you a gift in 13 years is shocking and I really feel for you OP. That seems so unkind.

And I feel really cross at your DH for thinking that’s reasonable of them and never calling them out on it. Shoddy behaviour!

Original poster

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 17:15

It was not her birthday was it though? I respect your opinion though, if it was her birthday I would have probably thought about it and considered it, but it wasn’t. She could still have celebrated her birthday as she did with her dad present the next day.
I wasn’t saying that my wedding was replacing her birthday but the date depended on the things ive mentioned. Financially we couldn’t afford the other dates. Did she consider that? I have to be the one worrying about her feelings and move and shift goals to accommodate her feelings even when it means I loose financially.

OP posts:

IsawwhatIsaw · 15/12/2024 17:12

What sort of man would allow you to be treated with this level of selfishness and disrespect by his children?
none of these selfish and unpleasant people deserve you.

goldencabbage · 15/12/2024 17:07

Figsandwalnuts · 15/12/2024 11:53

They are embarrassingly rude, and your DH is horrible.

This. Can you leave him?

Serene135 · 15/12/2024 17:06

I understand why you are annoyed, OP. Although I do think that if it was possible to choose a different wedding date then it would have been better to. Some people stay over in hotels for a wedding and it was her birthday the next day. She might have felt that you chose that date on purpose to be passive aggressive. On the other hand I think you have realised that they don’t really like you or care for you and you have finally decided to stop caring about them too. They are adults so I don’t think their attitude towards you is ever going to change. You’re doing the right thing by stopping the presents and the cooking for them since they don’t like you enough to reciprocate. I think your DH is in the wrong too. He can buy his daughters’ gifts himself. Maybe he feels that you no longer buying them gifts etc is the final nail in the relationship ie when you are buying and cooking for them there is a chance that you can win them around (even though this is highly unlikely).

Original poster

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 17:05

Yes she has been so lovely to me, I miss her, she passed away this year July. It’s horrible without her she was the only one with a heart in that family really always compensating for everybody. This is the first Christmas without her and I don’t even feel like doing anything big, she used to support me, she would help prepare and buy so many gifts for everyone. She was my confidant and would tell me things happening etc.. we got on really well, but at the end of the day I was with her son she used to tell my DH off for not being sensible and a prick.

OP posts:

Tandora · 15/12/2024 17:03

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:56

Yes really! allow me to think about myself too for once. I feel great too for it.for years and years all I’ve thought about was other people. If getting married a day before her birthday was my crime I will now do my time gladly.

the question you just asked was Even if I had chosen her birthday what’s the crime?

I’m not someone who’s particularly bothered about my birthday myself , but some people are , and culturally, the whole idea of marking birthdays is that it is the one day a year that is dedicated to celebrating that particular person.
If you get married to your DSD’s dad on her birthday , you have taken that focus away from her , and turned what was previously the one day dedicated in the year to celebrating her , into a day to celebrate your marriage / relationship with her father.

And you can’t see how that is an issue at all? To do that to any close family member is arguably thoughtless ( without their permission of course- some people might not mind) but to do that to a step child who may already be sensitive about her dad remarrying, is really very obtuse. And not on really.

Can you not see this at all?