Page 12 | Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

Mamana127 · 2024-12-15T11:51:38+00:00

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love. They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either. This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right. I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind? when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you. i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me. I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty. I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

Blueblell · 16/12/2024 18:04

Do you and your husband get them separate presents normally? If so yes you should stop. They are old enough to reciprocate and should particularly as they can afford it.

Susan7654 · 16/12/2024 18:01

Your hubby should speak to girls and thats the only way. But if he doesn't just buy them something small, box of chockolates.

Justsayit123 · 16/12/2024 17:59

See a Solcuter asap!

Festivespirit85 · 16/12/2024 17:59

Never mind why have you not bought them anything, why has he not! I match the energy from adults, so I wouldn't buy them anything either!

Wibblywobblyses · 16/12/2024 17:59

Superhansrantowindsor · 15/12/2024 13:21

Yanbu but why can’t your name go on the tag from your DH. My mum and step dad put both names on the tag and they aren’t married and didn’t get together until I was in my 40’s.

I really like this response. It makes sense to present a united front. I cannot understand why your husband would not include both your names on the gift.

LouDeLou · 16/12/2024 17:54

Good Lord, what a pair of yucky girls.

Stop making your kids do anything for them too.

LePetitMaman · 16/12/2024 16:57

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 11:19

Because its his daughters inheritance.

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No. It's your house.

His and yours. Unless you are tenants in common with a very specific percentage allocated to each of you. If you are joint tenants then your share is 50%.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/12/2024 11:46

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 11:41

I think it’s time I get some legal advice. Yes I contribute for everything in the house bills, food holidays etc my daughter I pay half of everything for her. I trusted him and the lawyer when they said that because his share of the house which is the bigger part came from his mum as inheritance he can do whatever he likes with it. He said that he had agreed with his ex that his money would go to their kids if he was ever to remarry but he insisted on adding our daughter and I should be happy with that, which I was. Also as I’m the low earner in our marriage. I really understand why mother in law insisted we married now. Omg 😧

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I think it would be reasonable for you each to ringfence your respective deposits, but whatever was left (i.e. the part covered by the mortgage) should be owned by both of you equally.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 11:41

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/12/2024 11:32

It's not his daughters' inheritance until he's dead.

It's your home now.

Presumably you are contributing financially to your shared life together, as well as in very obvious non financial ways such as bearing a child for him. You should be entitled to an equal share of the equity that is being built up over time. If you're not, you would have been better off putting your deposit into a buy to let property so that you could build up an asset of your own.

It sounds to me like you might be better off (from a financial perspective) if you divorced him. Because if you get divorced a judge would divide the assets up fairly, whereas if he dies and he hasn't adequately provided for you in his will, or if you die and anything you leave him eventually goes to his children but not yours, there's very little you or your children will be able to do about it.

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I think it’s time I get some legal advice. Yes I contribute for everything in the house bills, food holidays etc my daughter I pay half of everything for her. I trusted him and the lawyer when they said that because his share of the house which is the bigger part came from his mum as inheritance he can do whatever he likes with it. He said that he had agreed with his ex that his money would go to their kids if he was ever to remarry but he insisted on adding our daughter and I should be happy with that, which I was. Also as I’m the low earner in our marriage. I really understand why mother in law insisted we married now. Omg 😧

OP posts:

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/12/2024 11:32

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 11:19

Because its his daughters inheritance.

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It's not his daughters' inheritance until he's dead.

It's your home now.

Presumably you are contributing financially to your shared life together, as well as in very obvious non financial ways such as bearing a child for him. You should be entitled to an equal share of the equity that is being built up over time. If you're not, you would have been better off putting your deposit into a buy to let property so that you could build up an asset of your own.

It sounds to me like you might be better off (from a financial perspective) if you divorced him. Because if you get divorced a judge would divide the assets up fairly, whereas if he dies and he hasn't adequately provided for you in his will, or if you die and anything you leave him eventually goes to his children but not yours, there's very little you or your children will be able to do about it.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 11:31

Floralnomad · 16/12/2024 10:18

At the very least you need to look at how the finances are set up in your house , your husband sounds absolutely awful . Your MIL sounds great .

She was a total Angel, loved me so truly, but from what I can see she toiled for her family too without complaining. At the end of the day she just wanted the best for her son. While we were dating I split with him as I couldn’t handle the pressure I was getting from the ex and the girls but she begged me to stay and told me things would change if we move in and they knew we were permanent. It didn’t. Then she was like if you are married they will leave you alone. Well im married now and somewhat they have left me alone, the ex went quiet too. So I just need to find a way of undoing all these habits I created one step at a time.
m the problem has been my DH not standing up for me I recognise that. Well I’m going to stand up for myself even if it means we split.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 11:19

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/12/2024 10:43

I mean, I guess that's something at least. But why are you not entitled to a share in the rest of it?

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Because its his daughters inheritance.

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Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 10:44

whiskeytangofox · 16/12/2024 08:46

Well your DH was a stupid man to have not dealt with this firmly when they were younger and now they’re all entrenched in bad behaviour models. Your only hope is that when they have children themselves, they’ll realise how selfish they’ve been, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

I met DH when his kids were teens but my relationship with them is chalk and cheese compared to yours. They're both married with families of their own now and it’s the best thing ever when we are all able to get together as we all live long distances from each other due to work oportunities. In fact, one of the families will be joining us on my big birthday trip next year and I can’t wait. (They’ve booked and paid for their own accommodation, in case anyone is wondering)

You are lucky and blessed enjoy your trip ❤️

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MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/12/2024 10:43

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 10:42

The house is in his name with me as a share holder for the part I contributed. But there is a clause that says if he dies before me I can live in the house until I’m ready to sell. I’ve saved up for my kids and my share of the house is down to go to them.

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I mean, I guess that's something at least. But why are you not entitled to a share in the rest of it?

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 10:42

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/12/2024 10:35

Is the house in both of your names, OP?

I think you need to get some legal advice to make sure that (a) his daughters can't turf you out if he dies first and (b) your children don't get disinherited if you die first.

I'm shocked at the idea that you put your own money into the house purchase but he's acting like it's his house to leave to whoever he wants in his will. What about your children from your previous relationship? Surely part of the house should eventually go to them, if you part funded the purchase?

Please do not allow yourself or your children to get screwed over when either of you dies. Get some legal advice.

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The house is in his name with me as a share holder for the part I contributed. But there is a clause that says if he dies before me I can live in the house until I’m ready to sell. I’ve saved up for my kids and my share of the house is down to go to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 10:39

ArchesOfWisteria · 16/12/2024 08:55

I’ve done the same, stopped in adulthood.
Through the tricky teen years and a little more I bought presents and basically took a parent role (not actually a parent, but the responsible adult).
Now my step kids are nearer 30 I run with the tone, I didn’t get presents etc. I am always polite, welcome them etc. I don’t now lead on there being a relationship.
I was 7 years away from meeting their dad at the break up, if anything I helped facilitate them being together, being an adult available when he worked long hours. Enabled them to move in for the first year of university etc.
If anything they are politer to me now it’s not expected I’m always unconditionally there. I spend a long long time at the end of their mum’s rudeness, and I don’t expect it for entirety from a woman I never did wrong to. I put up with it as they were children guided by their mother, and probably hurt by her rejection (she was not always a stable or present parent and instigated the break up). I don’t expect to tolerate any disrespect from adults capable of choices

bless you if anyone had told me what it’s like being in a relationship which has a first family I would have ran a mile, I can’t begin to say the things the ex has done. But I put a stop to her. I was well into the relationship with a child and I didn’t want to end up a single mother of three kids so I settled. But it’s not easy being a step mum. I came with a pure heart, gave and gave to the point of back breaking but just got nothing back and more rudeness. My MIL kept me going by putting everyone in their place she encouraged me to have therapy which has really helped me to deal with many things. she found my therapist and paid for the first three sessions. I had an Angel for a MIL. I’m so sad she passed away in July. I spent a whole month with her before she passed and we just talked and talked. I don’t have a mum so when I met my DH she instantly took me into her arms. I will forever miss her.

OP posts:

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/12/2024 10:35

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 10:11

Well yes he said his will leaves everything to his girls plus one of mine that is his split equally. My daughter is young. I put some money into the house purchase. I will be allowed to live in our home as long as I want or buy them out if I can. I’m not originally from the uk so this inheritance thing is new to me. I work very hard and earn well but he earns more than me, we were living together as partners for along time until my MIL told me I need to be married otherwise I’m not protected I said I’m very traditional and marriage should be for love and the man should ask blah blah.. she wont have any of it saying he will never ask because the “forces” wont allow him to remarry 😂 anyway I said why not and insisted we got married and we did, with this comment maybe I can look at my rights as wife to see how I’m protected. Honestly with this post I realise how naive I am and how open eyes I need to be to protect myself from being taken advantage of. Maybe it’s time to rethink things a lot.
Thank you.

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Is the house in both of your names, OP?

I think you need to get some legal advice to make sure that (a) his daughters can't turf you out if he dies first and (b) your children don't get disinherited if you die first.

I'm shocked at the idea that you put your own money into the house purchase but he's acting like it's his house to leave to whoever he wants in his will. What about your children from your previous relationship? Surely part of the house should eventually go to them, if you part funded the purchase?

Please do not allow yourself or your children to get screwed over when either of you dies. Get some legal advice.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 10:31

Floralnomad · 16/12/2024 10:18

At the very least you need to look at how the finances are set up in your house , your husband sounds absolutely awful . Your MIL sounds great .

I now realise that I do and I will thanks to this post the amazing people here on mumsnet.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 16/12/2024 10:18

At the very least you need to look at how the finances are set up in your house , your husband sounds absolutely awful . Your MIL sounds great .

OhCobblers · 16/12/2024 10:13

Figsandwalnuts · 15/12/2024 11:53

They are embarrassingly rude, and your DH is horrible.

Says it all .......
I would buy them zilch on a permanent basis.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 10:11

asthecrowdwaschantingmore · 15/12/2024 15:04

I hope you're protected if the worst happens, OP. I imagine he's going to leave everything he has to his spoiled, rude daughters, (who have made it clear that they don't like you and he doesn't care that they don't, only about how you treat them), and if that includes a house, you need to make sure you have enough funds to survive comfortably.

Personally, it sounds like a relationship that isn't bringing anything positive into your life and I'd think about it this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Well yes he said his will leaves everything to his girls plus one of mine that is his split equally. My daughter is young. I put some money into the house purchase. I will be allowed to live in our home as long as I want or buy them out if I can. I’m not originally from the uk so this inheritance thing is new to me. I work very hard and earn well but he earns more than me, we were living together as partners for along time until my MIL told me I need to be married otherwise I’m not protected I said I’m very traditional and marriage should be for love and the man should ask blah blah.. she wont have any of it saying he will never ask because the “forces” wont allow him to remarry 😂 anyway I said why not and insisted we got married and we did, with this comment maybe I can look at my rights as wife to see how I’m protected. Honestly with this post I realise how naive I am and how open eyes I need to be to protect myself from being taken advantage of. Maybe it’s time to rethink things a lot.
Thank you.

OP posts:

Pensionswew · 16/12/2024 09:13

I think you are going to wake up soon to awful your husband is.
Like really awful.
A weak scared little man.
Happy to argue with you though.
🤢🤮

Well done for all the work you have done.
Absent yourself from now on.
Neither shop nor clean or do a thing in preparation ever again.

Good men do not behave as your husband has.

You deserve so much better.
I think you will eventually realise this.

ArchesOfWisteria · 16/12/2024 08:55

I’ve done the same, stopped in adulthood.
Through the tricky teen years and a little more I bought presents and basically took a parent role (not actually a parent, but the responsible adult).
Now my step kids are nearer 30 I run with the tone, I didn’t get presents etc. I am always polite, welcome them etc. I don’t now lead on there being a relationship.
I was 7 years away from meeting their dad at the break up, if anything I helped facilitate them being together, being an adult available when he worked long hours. Enabled them to move in for the first year of university etc.
If anything they are politer to me now it’s not expected I’m always unconditionally there. I spend a long long time at the end of their mum’s rudeness, and I don’t expect it for entirety from a woman I never did wrong to. I put up with it as they were children guided by their mother, and probably hurt by her rejection (she was not always a stable or present parent and instigated the break up). I don’t expect to tolerate any disrespect from adults capable of choices

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/12/2024 08:47

I thought you were going to say they were kids.

No, YANBU to not buy Christmas presents for adults who don't get you anything.

whiskeytangofox · 16/12/2024 08:46

Well your DH was a stupid man to have not dealt with this firmly when they were younger and now they’re all entrenched in bad behaviour models. Your only hope is that when they have children themselves, they’ll realise how selfish they’ve been, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

I met DH when his kids were teens but my relationship with them is chalk and cheese compared to yours. They're both married with families of their own now and it’s the best thing ever when we are all able to get together as we all live long distances from each other due to work oportunities. In fact, one of the families will be joining us on my big birthday trip next year and I can’t wait. (They’ve booked and paid for their own accommodation, in case anyone is wondering)